Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

It helps a lot that he has told me some difficult things from his past. I feel like we're sharing things rather than that he's just sitting there having me heap shit on him.

Slightly reeling today after last night. I talked to my friend about the abuse and it triggered flashbacks, which hasn't happened in a very long time. My poor friend was very worried and wanted to stay over to keep an eye on me but I convinced him to go home. I was more embarrassed than anything. I feel tired and strung out today but ok, just still very exposed from having him see that. He is a great friend and won't judge me or anything but I feel like he saw me behaving like a loony and I'm mortified.

It's normal to freak out a bit after talking about it. But your friend sounds lovely and yo weren't a 'loony' - what would you think if it was someone else?

As ever, it's easy to be compassionate about others and not about myself! I am encouraged by the fact that I don't feel nearly as bad as I have in the past. I used to have terrible flashbacks that would wipe me out but last night's ones were not so bad and I feel ok today. I feel like slowly, slowly, slowly it's becoming less of a problem. The flashbacks were a shock though, it's hard not to feel disheartened by them. I didn't think they would happen, it's been years since they have.

Morning everyone. How is everybody? I'm still feeling strung out after Friday evening. My friend is not good for phone contact so apart from a few texts I've not heard from him which of course sends me into a bit of spin. I know it's all just in my head, he is a fantastic friend who won't be put off by what happened, he just doesn't do phones! (I had to harangue him into calling his wife the other day - he seems to be phone-phobic). Anyway I'll see him Wednesday so I'm looking forward to straightening things out. Unfortunately I feel like I have to put talking about the abuse back in the box for now. I feel like I'm not as far along as I thought I was which is disappointing. But I'm still heartened by the fact that I was able to talk about it at all really and that I don't feel as bad today as I would have in the past had the same thing happened.

Hi cailin. I'm sorry the flashbacks freaked you out. I don't have visual flashbacks but have some emotional ones and body ones though sometimes I'm not sure of exactly what I'm flashing back to.

You're doing really well. Try to resist the temptation to knock yourself down - as hard as it can be.

Thanks peppermint. It was emotional and body flashbacks I had. I go weird and make noises, it's very odd, almost like a seizure. I am conscious during them but I can't control them - it's quite scary and I think my friend was pretty shocked at them. I feel bad for exposing him to it if that makes sense.

I know I have to let go of the idea that having this thing that I have to deal with makes me fucked up. It comes from my family who are entirely bland - you cannot have any positive or negative emotions, you must be entirely flat all the time or you're a raving lunatic. I know it's wrong but it's hard to escape such conditioning.

Is "fucked up" really such a negative descriptor? We're all fucked up in some way or other. It doesn't make you bad or lesser or anything else. It's just part of being human.

Sorry I've been a bit quiet. Happy pills seem to have slowed my downwards mental spiral, which is good. But now I have horrible genetic lottery fears to consume me too. My past is grim, it looks like my future will be too, here's hoping for a better deal in the next life. I think I need a cup of tea.

It certainly is a negative descriptor in my family Brid. It is loaded with negativity, in fact people who are not entirely flat all the time are considered horribly unmanageable people who can be heaped with scorn and derision. But you are right, perhaps I should embrace that "fucked up" label and say yes I am fucked up so what.

It sounds like you're not in a great place at the moment Brid, what's going on?

Try replacing "fucked up" with justifiably hurt.

That sounds wrong. I mean it's justifiable that you are affected. Not that what happened to you was justifiable.

I understand what you meant Peppermint. Owning and accepting my feelings has been a huge obstacle for me, one that I am definitely not over. I expect people to reject me if I express any sort of feeling about anything (good or bad) because that's what my family does.

I could have written your entire last post. I'm still working out exactly what is normal...

Pepprmint and cailindana I definitely identity with you on this. I often feel that I can't express how I really feel.
Stormy that sounds shit, I hope you can have a happier future

Bumping again for anyone who wants to talk.

Feeling a bit sad today, watched Emmerdale (don't judge me for that) and there's a storyline running about a lady who was assaulted by a young lad, she said "what if I never want to have sex again". That's exactly how i feel right now. I have a loving, understanding DH but I can't articulate to him that I just can't bear even the thought of any intimacy and right now I'd be happy to never have sexual contact ever again as it brings forth too many difficult and negative feelings

AlwaysDancing I'm sorry to hear that. But maybe he would understand? I haven't been able to DTD since I opened this can of worms in therapy and DH has been very understanding about it and knows it isn't personal at all.

It sucks, I'm sorry.

Thanks PeppermintCrayon it just feels silly as I know my DH would never ever do anything to hurt me, it's just too many bad thoughts and flashback type feelings surface and I feel so bloody helpless and vulnerable all over again.
Sorry for being such a misery, will pick myself up and dust myself off. Have a nice day at the park with baby DD to look forward too. I look at her beautiful innocent face and wonder how or why anyone could ever hurt a child in the way that many of us have been hurt

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time Always. I've gone through periods like that - and as you say it doesn't matter that DH won't hurt me I still don't trust him. It's unfortunately a really common and awful thing to experience.

How are you feeling?

Thanks cailindana just let the bad feelings get to me a bit last night, feeling a little more positive today. I get cross at just wanting to be "normal" - whatever that is!

I get that too. The anger at having to deal with this shit sometimes takes me over. But oddly I also feel it's made me a better person in some ways - more compassionate. Not that it was worth it of course, I'd rather be an oblivious buffoon! But hey, make lemonade eh?

Thanks for cheering me up cailindana! Yes I do think it's made me a more caring, compassionate sort of person (well I hope so anyway).

Glad to have helped a bit. I hope today is a better day

Confusing day today. It's my Birthday and so my family have given me cards and gifts. I know this is what people do, but I find it such an awful experience. It makes me feel sad and guilty when people buy/give me anything. I also feel guilty if anyone does anything for me and I can never accept a compliment. I know my DH and DC's love me but I feel they have wasted their money spending it on me. Of course I don't tell them this, but I feel it very deeply.

Also I have just looked at my facebook account and have lots of Happy Birthday posts. I haven't used my facebook page for months (long story involving my DS and DB). Now I've seen all the posts I feel bad at not acknowledging them but if I do I will be back on the facebook roundabout and I don't want to be. I know the obvious thing to do is close my account but I'm on several groups that I would miss reading. I feel SO GUILTY

Can't figure out why I feel the Birthday Blues so badly this year (definately worse than other years). I've been trying to face up to things a bit more since I joined this thread, so am in turmoil anyway.....not that I regret joining in, it has been a massive help to have the support and I DO want to get to grips with my past.. Also, went to see my parents earlier this week and had to listen to my dad telling me tales of his childhood which included several "amusing" anecdotes about my bastard abusing grandfather his father

Some days I feel even gobal warming must be my fault

alwaysdancing hugs

Oh gbuk, I wish I could sit and have some tea with you. I know that guilty feeling, the feeling of everything being your fault. I will say it because I know that for me, hearing people say it helps: it is not your fault. You are not to blame. You are a good, kind lovable person who has made many people's lives better simply by being there. They are glad to have you and they want to celebrate you. Even if you can't understand their feelings, be happy for them that they are happy because of you, that you have added to their lives, even if you feel that that isn't warranted. You have made a difference by being alive.

Happy birthday sweetheart