Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

thegreysheep I understand what you mean about making you doubt things in your own mind. When I've managed to raise some past issues with my mother I'm always told I'm being over dramatic or it didn't happen that way, she's even tried to make me doubt my own sanity.
Stormy of course you couldn't stop it, that's why abusers are so clever, they know just how to keep you from telling and it doesn't have to be verbal threats, it a way of making you feel you can't speak out.
Peppermint sound advice for us all (including yourself)

Thanks always I've had that with my bullying father and past abusive relationships as well- ive a bit of a collection of them don't I!!?

I suppose recognising that now at least and learning to doubt the doubt they try to create is a step forward at least :)

So many eye opening things on this thread, thanks Ladies

I worry about my dc so much (although I watch them so closely)
What if some manipulative fucker gets in to their head. I'd be devastated.
Deep down though I think I knew my parents were useless

thegreysheep yes recognising it is the first step to learning to trust your own mind and silencing the doubts
LucyBabs we can't protect our children for their whole lives from every bad thing in this world but the difference is that you are trying To protect them - sadly so many parents fail in even this the most basic of duties towards their children

Just caught up in posts as haven't felt strong enough to read lately. Once again, so much insight and unselfish sharing makes me want to cry ....I also want to cry for all of us anyway that our lives have been blighted.

my abuser grandfather said to me "you know you like it". Such an ordinary phrase which when I hear it now fills me with horror. Last week, my DH asked me if I would like an icecream, couldn't make my mind up which one to have, so he suggested the cherry flavour because "you know you like it". I felt physically sick and overwhelmed with a need to run but with nowhere to run to.

I'm getting so many memories resurfacing, not all about the sexually abusive bastard, but others about horrible things my parents have said. I remember walking along with my mother, holding on to the pram my sister was in, with my brother perched on a pramseat, and her asking me who I thought she loved most, us or our dad. I said us, she said no it is dad, I can have more children but there is only one of him. Thing is they have never been happily marrried I dont think..... this was an emotionally abusive thing to say to to a 7 or 8 year old wasn't it? So I'm wondering did being emotionally abused by my parents make me easy prey when I got to be the 11 year old victim of my grandfathers sexual abuse? Trouble is I wonder if I'm making too much of stuff like that?

I have so much I want to pour out, things that have gone round and round in my head for years, just cant find the words. Sometimes when I feel sad, lonely and hurt the sentence "I want my mum" springs I to my mind. But what I really want is a real mum who would say she loved me, would be proud of me, all the things I have tried to be for my kids.

I never feel deserving of anything either. If anyone gives me a gift for a birthday or anniversary, I feel guilty, then feel I have to make them feel good for thinking of me - I literally spend hours working out what to say so that they feel it was worth giving me something. I cant just say thank you and accept the gift. I am not worthy of anything.
Is this all part of my past or is it just because I am made that way? I feel totally bewildered by so many facets of my life. It scares me.......I have no idea if any of that makes any sense, but thank you for reading it.

gbuk I'm glad you've found the strength to come back to this thread, personally I've found reading and sharing thoughts and feelings with others who just understand has been hugely helpful for me.

That was a disgraceful thing of your mother to say, even if she thought it she should never have said that to you. And yes I do think this would have made it easier for your abuser as you were already downtrodden emotionally.

I understand what you mean about your mum, I sort of mourn for the mother I should have had, one that could treat me like a good person I now realise I am, someone to laugh, cry and share with. I've had to come to terms with the fact she'll never be that way and the fact that I could never let my children be alone around her in case she lost her temper and hit them.

I've struggled with the gifts in the past, feeling not worthy. DH bought me a gift for my 30th and I almost made him take it back but he convinced me I am worthy and deserving - and you are too don't forget that.

gbuk your post really chimed with me.

The gift thing is something I've only just addressed. There's an expensive gadget I'd been banging on about for ages and DH suggested he get it for me for my birthday. I ummed and ahhed for ages and actually started to feel stressed and upset about it. I thought about why that was and it's because I don't feel deserving. I can't have money spent on me. I am not the one that things get given to. I am worthless.

So, I went ahead and said to DH "yes please get me that," and I told myself firmly that I did deserve it and I was going to enjoy it. And I do, mostly. I still feel guilty about it. But it's a step. A good step.

The fundamental thing in all of it is "parenting" myself. I wasn't parented at all, my "parents" were caretakers - they did the essentials to keep me alive but they did not connect with me in any way. So I have to do that for myself, stupid as I feel at times about it. It does work.

Lucy the most important thing for your dc is that you are listening to them and helping them to deal with what happened, I didn't have anyone to do that for me until I was an adult and had to help myself, with friends and therapy - if I had someone like you to help me from when it happened things would have been sooo much better, as they will be for your dc, believe me :)

gbuk thanks for posting and I hope you find some help in doing that, as I have. What your mother said was awful, I think that the abusive cycle passed from your grandfather to your mum and then you got caught up in it- it was not your fault or anything personal, just the predictable cycle repeating itself. However, the fact you are aware and trying to come to terms with what happened and heal will break this cycle. My guess is that your mum has never self-examined herself and her life, in order to be able to overcome this.

What your grandfather said to you was an attempt to try to pass some of the responsibility to you and make you feel culpable - of course you weren't, you were a child and didn't choose it, he was the adult in the situation and alone is culpable x

alwaysdancing, cailindana, thegreysheep thank you. It helps a lot to know others understand what I am trying (badly) to explain. The grandfather that abused me was my fathers father, my mums father was a quiet, very gentle person, in fact both my mothers parents were lovely, so unless there are hidden things I know nothing about I have no idea why my mother is like she is.

cailindana I know exactly what you mean about parenting yourself, the more I think about my childhood, the more I realise that I was fed and housed and that was about it. I was just left to grow up rather than bought up.

Something else I'm trying to get my head around with my mother is that in 2011 when I was diagnosed with cancer, for the first time ever that I can remember she seemed concerned about me. I ended up having major surgery and when I got home she started to text me every day, nothing contentious, just chat. Then when I was able to go out and about she suggested we went out shopping a few times (never done this with her before). I liked it, but it messed with my head a bit....started to think perhaps my perception of my childhood had been wrong in some way. Then it stopped. just completely stopped. I would text her and get one line replies, she would always have a reason why she couldn't go shopping, so I gave up. I feel now that perhaps she was scared I would die (it was a distinct possiblity) then once reassured I would make it she just shut me out again. But why? I can't ask her, she would deny it and make me feel a really bad person for suggesting she is lacking in any way as a parent. I'm too weak and too scared to risk the fall out I would get from her, my dad and my siblings.

It's a terrible thing to feel your parents don't love you, after all how unlovable must I be for my own parents not to care?

It's weird how similar our experiences have been gbuk. I had a very similar experience with my mother when I was very badly depressed. I wasn't in danger of dying but I was very ill - not able to get out of bed for weeks on end. I reached out to my mother and for once she responded - came around to my house, sat with me, took me shopping (exactly like your mother!) and was far more loving and caring than she'd ever been. And then, same as you again, it suddenly stopped. I invited her over one day and she brought my father, which surprised me (my father is essentially a walking corpse, he doesn't engage with life in any way) and said that she wasn't stopping as they were going for a walk. I knew then that the old, real mother was back and that that was the end of being cared for. In the end it was a watershed moment for me - I finally laid to rest my fictional mother and grieved for her and started to move on with my life. I moved countries not long after that and from then on my life got better and better.

I have concluded that there is no point in ever confronting her about this as it would achieve absolutely nothing.

gbuk you were and definitely are NOT unlovable! Please try and get rid of that thought

Sorry gbuk I got mixed up with ur grandad hope it didn't cause you any pain. Maybe your mum has her own issues for not being able to deal with your pain, maybe she's just the type of person who can't handle it. Maybe she feels guilty about not being able to protect you, underneath it all.

cailin also, both your posts chimed with me, my mum is generally lovely but can be very callous sometimes, I don't know where that comes from. I think that though she feels bad about what happened to me she wishes I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

Did anyone else not realise they had been abused until they reached adulthood? I went into therapy knowing something was really wrong, but not what. Then I started remembering things and noticing things and it was like noticing background music has been playing the whole time. I remember telling my therapist it was as if I'd spent my whole life feeling like I had a nail in my forehead, and wondering why I felt like that when there wasn't a nail there. And then one day I realised there was actually a hammer sticking out of my forehead.

My memories from early childhood, involving my dad, are very jumbled because they are a child's memories, a child's understanding, and they don't really make sense. There was a boy at school who made me do things; I don't believe it was just experimentation because I didn't want to do it and it's not really about the age difference, it's about the power difference. There was one incident with another family member and I have reason to believe I tried to tell my mum because a few years ago she made a passing comment about how I thought this person had some strange ideas but she couldn't remember what.

In my early teens a suspected paedophile attempted to groom me. Long story. He sent me some indecent stuff, which I posted to the police - literally put it in an envelope and stuck it in a postbox. They came round and took a statement. My parents never mentioned it again. Didn't offer me any support, didn't ask if I was okay, nothing. Perhaps they thought I wasn't bothered because nothing happened, but here's the thing: my mum is the kind of person who acts super outraged at the tiniest thing. I have seen her gasp loudly when someone almost trips over. I have seen her go "tut-tut-tut!" when hearing about something vaguely reprehensible.

But this, she does nothing?

The police said they were investigating him but if anything came of it, I wasn't told (rang them a couple of a years ago to see if they could find out, but they couldn't find the case/details). I mentioned it to my mum a while before I went NC, and asked her if the police ever got back in touch. She said: "Didn't they say he was doing it to other people?" in the same tone of voice you'd say: "Didn't you already buy some milk?"

So maybe I got to my 30s before I realised because nobody else noticed or cared. I don't know.

thegreysheep no apologies necessary, I dont think I mentioned anywhere which grandfather it was that abused me, and anyway, it's hard trying to say the right thing to help someone via a screen, I appreciate so much the support this thread gives and wouldn't at all take exception to anyone trying their best to make me feel better. I am just so grateful to all the posters on here who have their own suffering to cope with but who take trouble and time to help others. My mother doesn't know about the abuse so it isn't guilt at her failure to protect me that makes her the way she is with me. I remember thinking when the abuse happened that if I went home and told my parents they would either accuse me of lying or make out I was trying to cause trouble, I was way too scared and lonely to tell anyone.

Thank you lucybabs

cailindana it is indeed spooky that our paths have in ways been similar. And our outlook is the same about achieving nothing (except probably more hurt) by trying to confront our mothers.

Can I offer everyone and a hug this morning.

Good morning everyone, I hope wherever in the world you are there's a little bit of sunshine as it has helped cheer me up this morning.
PeppermintCrayon I too only started to realise and remember things about sexual abuse in the last couple of years. I've posted before about the feeling that there is a lot more that my conscious mind won't let me remember clearly IYSWIM.

Hugs and back to gbuk and everyone else too

Some lovely sunshine here this morning. My kids are back at school and I'm enjoying the peace.

I am going to be nice to myself this week, I am honestly my own worst enemy. It's like I enjoy punishing myself, i hope that makes sense!

Sending lots of Love to you all x

PeppermintCrayon, I identify with you on this. I think there are bits that I have forgotten and bits that I have tucked away and got so used to skirting round or pushing away. It is only in the last few weeks that I have begun to confront it. Bits and pieces of detail are coming back, as well as random physical anxiety; shivery hyperawareness of my own and other people's bodies.

There was also a boy at my school who abused me. I think one of the horrible patterns that I see played out in my own life is that the child who is trying so hard to make themselves invisible for fear of being abused, is actually more visible to abusive people.

I have arranged to go and see a counsellor in a few weeks but I don't know if I can do it. I am afraid and sometimes want to hem it all back down again and not know anything more, and I catch myself enacting the old denials. I am afraid that I will become depressed and bitter, and fuck my kids up.

On the other hand, I think that I need to do it because I think I am a bit stuck in my life. I do something creative and I think I cannot find my voice because of patterns that were set in the past. I do not trust myself. It is horrible that it robs you of that liberty too.

I'm glad gbuk and sunny wishes back at u all. peppermintcrayon I too submerged memories of abuse for years, from about 4 when it happened until about 12 when friends were coming to me about my grandfather's abuse of them. Like you my parents never said anything to me about my abuse, although I was younger at the time, and I firmly believe that it would never have been spoken of except I forced the issue with my mum when I was12 and talking about the other abuse by my grandfather. I have never spoken about it with my father, just would hear about it second from my mum how difficult he had found it at the time.

Morning all, just bumping again to keep thread going. Sorry I've not been contributing much (seeing as I started the thread!) but things are mad busy at the moment. Thank you everyone who's contributed and supported each other - keep posting

Hi cailindana. Can I just say thanks for starting and keeping the thread going, it's given me a lot of good advice and support

Hi cailindana no bother at all and thanks for starting the thread it had been a great help and support to dip in and out of :)

Another thanks from me. How is everyone doing?

I'm alright. I've spoken a bit to a close friend recently about the abuse and I'm planning on talking more to him about it this evening when he visits. He is a wonderful friend and very understanding but I am nervous about it. It's strange, I feel the need to talk about it, but when it comes to actually saying things I get stuck. I am much better at writing about it. I do feel I have to push through the inability to speak about it though - I feel like that's one of the very last barriers for me.

I think speaking about it is difficult, brave and good. I'm glad you have a friend who you can talk to.