Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

gbuk firstly happy birthday!
I understand the guilty feelings, my DH has bought me a lovely gifts over the last few years, including a beautiful bracelet last year which I love but it sits in a drawer as I don't feel worthy of such a lovely thing If that makes sense. I'm really working on that though as we are all worthy of love, gifts and good wishes, especially on your birthday!
Thank you for the hugs and sending lots back (I know it's not the Mumsnet thing to do but even sending extra ones for your birthday!!)

calindana put it much more eloquently than I

Bumping again for anyone who needs it.

You know what I really hate about the weather getting warmer? Whenever DD and I go to my dad's (two or three times a week) we end up sitting in the garden. Which is lovely, and sunny, and DD gets to run around a lot. But the neighbour who abused me and my sister still lives so close that I can hear the weird noise he makes instead of speaking (because he's deaf and mute). And it makes me feel sick every time I hear it.

God that must be so hard Brid. Does your dad know the situation?

He does. We just never even acknowledge it when we can hear the neighbour. His continued presence was a big factor in my sister moving four hundred miles away. It's just, that noise he makes is how he'd attract my attention when I was little. It's horrid.

It must be torture. I'm wondering how good it is for your mental health to be exposed to that on such a regular basis - is there any way of avoiding it while still seeing your dad?

Not really - we'd have to stay inside with the windows closed all summer, and that would be letting him win. He must be in his sixties by now though, hopefully he'll die soon.

That's another thing though - don't let him win. People often use that concept to encourage me to, I dunno, get on and live my life. But winning suggests a game - it's one I really never wanted to play.

"Let him win"? Let him win what? I absolutely hate that phrase too, as though by having a normal human reaction to someone hurting me is somehow weak and uncompetitive . Protecting yourself is not "letting someone win" it's just an understandable reaction to threat and regardless of the fact that he's now an old man who can't hurt you he is still a threat to your sanity.

That's awful StormyBrid must be so hard for you. I agree with cailin though that talking about it doesn't mean he's "won", quite the opposite. Can you get a cheap battery radio for the garden to sort of drown out his noise?

Oh stormy its sickening! Yes hopefully he won't he alive much longer.

I get the "don't let XXX win, he's done enough to you" "Hold your head high". Eh I didn't realise it was a competition. My abuser is a sick selfish individual.

When I said to my sister I'm worried my abuser may have hurt his own daughter, she said "Ah no XXX wouldn't let her dad abuse her, she's too strong and would stand up for herself

Uh, hate my family pack of fuckers

LucyBabs when I read what your sister said I was
What a horrid, hurtful and downright stupid thing to say to you (and absolute bullsh*t) as you know.

Cailindana thank you for summing up how I feel with this:

I get that too. The anger at having to deal with this shit sometimes takes me over. But oddly I also feel it's made me a better person in some ways - more compassionate. Not that it was worth it of course, I'd rather be an oblivious buffoon! But hey, make lemonade eh?

Because yes I've made some lemonade now but I'd rather not have had to!

gbuk I'm sorry your birthday was difficult. I have been known to apologise for the weather, among other things. I second cailin's post. I know I enjoy giving to people on their birthdays as it makes me happy too.

Stormy that sounds horrendous. Hopefully the bastard will die soon.

Lucy your sister is talking rubbish. Absolute rubbish.

I'm currently cycling back into denial (this happens periodically). I started wondering if maybe I was just crazy and maybe it's possible for someone to have many many emotional and physical symptoms of abuse for no reason at all. It always comes back to: my dad wouldn't do that, would he, surely? Except he was an absolute shithead who treated me horribly my whole life, so I'm confusing wouldn't with shouldn't.

I'm sorry you had to listen to that, Lucy. It was a shitty thing to say.

I'll pass on a garden radio (bit thanks for the suggestion) - we'd struggle to agree on anything to listen to! I can cope with the horribleness, it just helps to be able to acknowledge it somewhere. Although I am dreading the day DD notices the noise and asks what it is. What the hell will I say?

On the plus side, I've found a really good way of pushing all past abuse thoughts to the back of my mind: since I found out my mother probably has Huntington's disease, I've had no brain space left to think about anything else.

Stormy I guess the radio would cause too many arguments with your Dad then!
So sorry to hear the news about your mother My Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour last year, it does make you re-evaluate things and try and look to the future, however scary that future might be for your loved one and you.

How's your dad doing, Always? I'm thinking enjoying the present seems like a good way forward. There's only a 12.5 per cent chance that neither me nor my siblings will develop HD too, so it's looking a bit life-blighting. Seems so unfair though. As a family we have had quite enough crap to deal with thanks to the abuse, and now this too. And I have complicated head issues surrounding my mother, the abuse, and the illness: she was in the very early stages of the disease when she learnt about the abuse, and she really didn't cope with it very well. In retrospect it was the disease, but it felt like my disclosure had just screwed my mum up completely. Cue massive guilt.

Stormy my Dad had an op on the tumour last year which helped but he's not the same man he was, don't really know what the future holds as tumour may grow back.
It is totally unfair your family are having to deal with such a nasty disease, you've certainly had more than your fair share of crap

And do NOT feel guilty, your disclosure would have no bearing on your mothers illness

Trying to see the positives though. At least my family are in this together and we can support each other. That's a heck of a better deal than some people get.

Just been on the phone to my sister and she says she has exactly the same mother-guilt! We are a sorry lot at times.

Cailindana, Alwaysdancing thank you for the birthday wishes and continuing support, Only just come back to the thread as I have been so low. I seem to be in a downward spiral that I can't control and I feel completely miserable. Just about everything feels "wrong", nothing is working. I am eating far too much, too often, and as I weigh almost 14 stone and am only 5ft 4inch tall I am already way too heavy.

I'm spending hours wasting time, can't seem to summon up the will to do any of the crafts I usually like, or go in the garden much. I'm just sitting here going over and over the past and feeling guilty for everything. If my sister had been sexually abused by our grandfather she would have told him to fuck off - why couldn't I? When (this time not even if) she got pregnant she kept her baby and was helped by our parents - why couldn't I? why did I let my parents make me have an abortion? and why don't they see for themselves how painful and unfair it bloody was/is that my sister was so supported by them? When I had my cancer operation why did they not visit me in hospital? I know I was 40 miles away but the same distance has just been no object for my mother to visit her brother in law in hospital on public transport after his operation for cancer....and she sees no irony in talking to me about how worried she has been for him as cancer is so scary! I feel like a child stamping her feet typing all this but it just makes me feel so substandard. So unloved.

I also feel angry. VERY angry with myself. Why haven't I stood up for myself in the past? why can't I do it now? Why do my parents and siblings find me so unlovable? Why do I feel so ugly inside and out? Why am I treated so differently? It's as if they really must know about the abuse and find me too disgusting, not worthy of being part of their family.

I'm so sorry to go on so much. I feel so broken.

stormybrid my heart goes out to you. If I had to hear the voice of my abusing bastard of a grandfather over a garden fence I think I would go quite mad. I am so sorry about your Mum's illness

Lucybabs Your sister is horrible and very thoughtless

Hi all,

I have stumbled across this thread and I hoped this might be the right place to ask about something that has been bothering me, I hope you don't mind as I'm not techincally a survivor of child abuse, but I feel that you may understand and not be judgemental or dismissive. I'm a regular on MN but I don't want to be identified under my usual NN.

I'm due to have a baby in about 6 weeks. And I am absolutely petrified about having any vaginal examinations. I was raped when I was 16, it was first sexual experience, although I don't think I would describe rape as being very sexual, IYKWIM.

I find the idea of a stranger putting their hands inside me absolutely petrifying. I know that I can refuse but I have read about so many women on here who have been given VE's anyway and I think I would find that even more triggering than just complying and allowing it to happen.

I don't feel like I could tell my midwife and have it in my notes as I'm scared that a member of my family will see my notes or that I will be deemed to be a high risk case and referred to social services.

When I have said that I don't feel comfortable with VE's in real life, people have been very dismissive and just said stuff like "oh at that point I wouldn't even have noticed! Honestly, you will be in too much pain to even notice". But I can't imagine not noticing... It's ingrained in me.

Has anyone else been able to get past this? I'm really scared that the rape will take over what should be a really important moment for me.

Sorry, if anyone is offended that I have posted here.

gbuk I'm sorry you're having such a shit time of it, I recognise that downward spiral feeling only too well, sometimes it's only my children that pull me out of it. As hard as it sounds you sit of have to force yourself to do something little each day then don't be afraid to be proud of ourself. Set little goals like half an hour gardening then take time to give yourself a mental pat on the back. You do matter, you are worthy. Just somewhere along the line you've (through no fault of your own) been saddled with a crap family and abusive past. But that's what is, the last and you must slowly learn (and I need to take my own advice here) to look to the future and take little happy steps each day. I'm not saying "get over it" or "move on" just give yourself time to grieve for he life and family you should have had while slowly building the sort of future you want

BirthingConcers I can only speak for myself but I think 16 is a child and in that sense you're as entitled as anyone else to post in this thread.
You were betrayed in the worse possible way when you were young and it was obviously very damaging.
I had a lot of similar anxieties before I had my two children but although I struggled with the idea I found it "different" during pregnancy and easier than I thought as it was for the benefit of my baby IYSWIM. Of course I was still anxious but I found deep breathing really helped. I didn't disclose anything on my notes but did make midwives aware at later appointments that j wanted internal exams to stay to a minimum. I just said I had a lots of anxiety about internal exams, didn't elaborate on why. In fact during DD birth last year I only had 1 vary brief internal exam when I arrived at hospital (was 5cm) then they didn't touch me again until afterwards to repair a minor tear. You can refuse internals altogether but personally I wanted a quick check to ensure baby position, dilation etc were all on track. Is it possible to talk through this with your birth partner so they can support you and quietly stand up for you during labour if needed .

Sorry just realised I've really waffles on and rambled in the above posts, well done if you managed to read all the way through!

BirthingConcerns, I was thinking about your situation in bed last night. I think you'll probably have to tell your midwife (before you're in labour) that you're very much against any internal exams. You don't need to go into detail about why (you can just allude to "traumatic events in the past") but they really will need to know. And they'll have come across other women with the same trauma, they should understand. Write NO INTERNAL EXAMS on your notes.

It would also be good to prepare yourself for the fact you might need one anyway. If all goes smoothly you'll probably be able to get away without one, but sometimes these things don't go smoothly.

Toddler's just woken up and I need to get her ready for nursery - and I need to go take my fluoxetine because I'm shaking and it's hard to type - but when I get back from the nursery I'll contact one of my antenatal buddies who delivers babies and ask her advice for you.