Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will my husband come back?

293 replies

orangeskins · 05/03/2015 14:41

He has left me, telling me he doesn't love me anymore & has no effort to try at all.

I am completely and utterly shocked & devastated. He told me this a month ago too, except then he wanted to come back & try. He didn't try at all & has now left.

Will he come back to me at all? I'm so sad for our children (they don't know yet) Anything I say doesn't seem to make a difference.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 14:46

I'd be assuming that you have to do things on your own - what ages are the DCs and what are your general circumstances (housing, employment, money, real-life support etc.)

Do you know where he's gone?

cleanmyhouse · 05/03/2015 14:47

Sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

Sadly no-one on here can give you the answer you need, theres only one person that can answer that and by the sounds of things, he's not talking.

Do you have support around you? People you can talk to?

BuzzardBird · 05/03/2015 14:52

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I think a time will come when you wouldn't want a man back that could do this to you and your DC without even attempting counselling or something?

For now I am afraid you need to think about practical things, like money and securing your DC's welfare and emotional future.

Get yourself a consultation with a solicitor.

Quitelikely · 05/03/2015 14:54

The answer to your question is in the reason he left.

Why did he leave, what did he say? His reasons?

How old are your dc?

Has he been secretive with his phone/laptop recently?

Christinayang1 · 05/03/2015 14:56

I'm sorry this has happened to you

I think you need to let him get on with it, as painful as it is, and you need to do the same

Focus on the practical side just now and try and get as munch support as you can

TheoriginalLEM · 05/03/2015 14:57

would you even want him back after he has put you through this - arrogant bastard. You will feel this soon enough, in the mean time it sounds like you need some legal advice

needtoknowwhy · 05/03/2015 15:19

In all likelihood could very well come back. It's not uncommon for them to dither for a few months while you torture yourself wondering where it all went wrong and how you can put things right. Sounds like classic script to me - telling you he doesn't love you, perhaps re-writing history, not sure how he feels then deciding to maybe give it another go before he leaves you again as he's now certain it won't work.

I agree with advice to seek out legal counsel. You can't allow yourself to give him more say in what your future holds. Take him at his word, he doesn't want to try at all and nothing you say seems to make a difference. Now see about housing / finances and all that comes with securing a future for yourself and your dc's.

You haven't gone into any background so its hard tell if this has come out of the blue which it often does or if the marriage was creaking at the sides for quite a while but you never thought it'd get to this point.

I might be way out here but i'm assuming you're still at the point of shock. Anger will come soon and I hope with that comes self-determination to make sure that you don't get walked over or dangled on a string while he 'ponders' about his own life. Flowers Keep posting for support. Many of us have been there and even currently at the various stages of this process.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/03/2015 15:46

What a shock, the early days are horrendous, but it does get better, orangeskins. Take it day by day, hour by hour.

You can't make him do what you want so best to concentrate on what you do have control of. To return on the pretext of wanting to try again but not putting any work in gave you false hope. He may have done so to give himself permission to leave - "I did try" - or to sound authentic to family and friends, "We gave it a go but it was no use" etc.

He's had a considerable head start on you in planning this. You won't be jumping the gun by enlisting outside support and seeing where you stand financially.

Has he talked about arranging to see the DCs?

Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 16:19

He said he left as he didn't love me anymore and when asked, said that he couldn't find the effort to try. He said sometimes a small part of him wanted to sometimes, but that was it.

We have been together almost 10 yrs and married not very long at all. My DC are 11, 5 & 2.

He is coming over tomorrow & said its so he can collect the rest of his things, & to see me & the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 16:22

Meant to say also, he has cut off most of his old friends & refused to speak to his mum for a long time. He has made friends with a younger crowd at his work (he is their superior also) and has been out clubbing/ playing computers etc with them all over the last month.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 05/03/2015 16:24

Has anything changed in his life? Has he lost anyone or had major changes at work?

He sounds depressed.

You have not mentioned whether you think anyone else could be involved.

NeitherHereOrThere · 05/03/2015 16:24
Sad

Have you taken steps yet to protect your finances? I am sorry but you need to be prepared for the shock that he has someone else and this is why you need to start making copies of bank details, mortgage, pensions and other accounts.

BuzzardBird · 05/03/2015 16:24

How old is he?

cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 16:24

Where is he staying at the moment? With another woman perhaps?

NickiFury · 05/03/2015 16:25

I would prepare yourself for there being someone else. Someone from the younger crowd.

He may well wish to come back in the future but usually it's when you're over them and they can sense that.

NeitherHereOrThere · 05/03/2015 16:26

And the worse thing you can do is to play the pick me dance - be dignified and pretend to be detached and make sure you start arranging child access - planned, regular and away from your home is best for the DC as they won't get confused about what's happening).

Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 16:29

He has been promoted at work 2 months ago. I have asked him if anyone else involved. I think I believe him when he says no. Every time he hasn't been here, what he says he is doing checks out - staying at new mates (who lives with his mum) clubbing (photos on the website with him & mates etc) and so on.

I am very aware it could be a possibility, though I don't think so.

I went online to check the bank yesterday (his - we both have access to each others) and he had changed the password

OP posts:
Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 16:31

We haven't told the dc yet - he seems to think it wont affect them.. I am so sorry for them already. I want him to be sure before they know anything, I haven't told him this yet though

OP posts:
Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 16:32

He's 30yrs

OP posts:
AgathaF · 05/03/2015 16:33

Sounds like he wants to be young and single again. Unless/until he comes to his senses and realises what he is throwing away, then I don't think he will be back. If he does, it will probably just be to mess you around. I'm sure that's not what you want.

Organise some proper access times, away from your home, for the children. Make yourself scarce. Get your finances in order and protect yourself.

AgathaF · 05/03/2015 16:35

X-post. Haven't your DC realised that he isn't there? I think you need to tell them something.

Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 16:37

Is there anything I can do or say to help this? We were really happy, and loving just over a month ago. I just don't get it.

I honestly believe this is not meant to happen to us, and I really need to know if or what is going on & what I can do, before I just try to give up/ get over it

OP posts:
PoppyField · 05/03/2015 16:37

So sorry you are going through this. He is acting like a complete tosser.

Maintain a dignified front when you see him, even if you collapse in a heap afterwards.

He needs to liaise with you about what you are going to tell the children. He can't just march in and collect his things when they have not been told.

Think carefully about what you want to happen tomorrow. Perhaps he could take the children out?

You can't expect to have a conversation about your separation while the children are around, so I would keep it very, very functional.

Have you decided to tell the children soon. Are you going to do it together. Is he going to take some responsibility for this.

Perhaps when he comes round, he could see the kids and you could occupy yourself in another room and stay out of the way so you don't have to see him.

carlywurly · 05/03/2015 16:43

He's got 3 dc's and he's out clubbing and playing computers? Has he always behaved like a teenager?

I know (trust me here) how excruciating this is but the best and only way to stand a chance of saving this is to get bloody strong, angry and show him what he stands to lose. He needs to think he's lost you. He sounds like he deserves to lose you.

Gather all the support you can, take copies of any financial docs you can find and take legal advice ASAP.

I am sorry. Hmm

NeitherHereOrThere · 05/03/2015 16:44

I know you must be bewildered - sounds like he is going through a mid life crisis and his ego is being stroked by being part of this younger crowd (and possibly OW). There is nothing you can do - family life as a father to young DC and all the responsibilities it brings will never be as exciting as his new lifestyle.