Will my husband come back?

[orangeskins]

He has left me, telling me he doesn't love me anymore & has no effort to try at all.

I am completely and utterly shocked & devastated. He told me this a month ago too, except then he wanted to come back & try. He didn't try at all & has now left.

Will he come back to me at all? I'm so sad for our children (they don't know yet) Anything I say doesn't seem to make a difference.

You need to ring tax credits to make a new claim as a single person. You may get more money because of that, so do ring them. You should be able to do a new claim over the phone.

Work wise, you need to do at least 16 hours. Start looking for something you can fit around the DC. If you need childcare, some of those costs will be covered if you use Ofsted registered places.

So sorry to hear this latest news
You'll need to claim either JSA or income support Orange, depending on the age of your DC. You'll not get any help with your rent or council tax benefit until you do. Do you get CTC at the moment? Whose name is on the tenancy agreement?

I'm so sorry that he's done this. He is a complete idiot.

I'm glad to see that you're being proactive and sorting finances out though.

Ok, so I am going to get on to these things today.

I have to know though, do these things normally last? I want to know that he is one day going to feel the loss, and the enormity of what he has done. I want him to deeply regret this. It doesn't seem fair that he gets to ride off into the sunset & live happily ever after, whilst I'm left in the carnage of this all & my children have to go through all of this.

He is a shit who will end up with a shit life

Keep the anger for now, it will motivate you to do what you need to

what are your plans for today?

Often not no. They do frequently find the grass isn't greener. My ex did come back saying just that - he had made a huge mistake, she was a nightmare, it was karma for what he had done to me etc..., but by then I wasn't interested in any way and sent him packing back to her. I think he is still with the OW. I am past caring now. His loss.

The question isn't will he come back. It's whether you'd want him back. I doubt it. I wouldn't.

The question isn't will it work with the OW. It's what exciting new direction you will be taking your life in now.

I'm so sorry you're in this position op. It's bloody horrible.

orange sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.... I do think that when they act so rashly, that they really aren't thinking about what they are doing.

I too want my XH to suffer one day, to deeply regret it. He probably will because she is already divorced twice at the age of 33, having both times cheated on her husband. My Xh is 50, and totally besotted with her. I hope that he stays that way until she cheats on him too, so that his heart is totally broken and he knows how it feels.... yes I am 3 years on, but I will always despise him for walking out on me and DD.

Hopefully karma will bite him on the arse one day, but by then, you won't care any more.

The main thing for you is to sort your finances out. Go to the DWP, get the Income Support, sort out the rent/council tax benefit, ring the council tax anyway to get the 25% discount applied while your benefits are being sorted out. Get into the system as quick as you can. You should also then qualify for free prescriptions etc.

Then once you have sorted all of that out, you can start looking for suitable work, whilst knowing that you have some money coming in.

I have just done a quick calc on the tax credits calculator and assuming that you have income support and 3 DC, it says that you are entitled to £675 from today to 5 April, so that is just one month.... if you can get your new claim sorted today, you can advise them as and when any changes are made.

My ex has never been fully aware of the pain and devastation he caused, he's never felt guilty. He's a very self centred man. People who do this kind of thing often are. However his life, has at times, quite often, been very uncomfortable and difficult as a result of his choices e.g being homeless and skint, sleeping on floors at friends houses etc, barely seeing his children so not knowing that joy.

That's enough for me to be honest. He had it all and threw it away. He doesn't need to know it because I do.

I cant stand it. I am, as I said, sometimes on the floor with it all. I really, truly, need something to stop the hurt I am feeling. Its so awful, & I am so desperate for something, someone, anything that will help me.

Oh you poor poor woman. It is so very painful. I will never forget it. It feels like you are broken in two.

There is only one thing that will help and that is time. I promise you this will get better. I promise. I know you probably don't beleive that right now but it will.

Keep on going. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. Keep going for the DC's sake if you can't do it for yourself. Make a (realistic!) list of things you need to do today and be very very gentle and kind to yourslef.

Lean on friends and family. Have you got anyone in RL giving you support?

I so feel for you OP.

It is just such a visceral pain. I remember it well. I felt like a wounded animal. Bit is right - just take minutes, or half an hour at a time. Just do what you need to do to get through today. You won't believe it gets better but it really will. It doesn't feel like that now, but it will. There is hope for happier times - you just need to hold on for now.

Yes, I have my dm, my husband's dm & 2 friends of mine. They are of course also busy with their own lives too though (work/ marriages) and its at the time I cant call on them that is the hardest.

It hits me by surprise, again & again, over & over seemly throughout the day.

I am completely devastated and the pain is too much.

orange if you feel that bad, please go to your doctor and ask for some help. I don't push drugs on people, but if you are feeling anything like I was feeling, you will need some help. I was put on anti depressants because i was simply unable to function. I was crying, shaking, not eating, not sleeping. It was awful and I still had to go to work and function for 4yo DD every day.

There is no shame in taking them, it is a crutch to help you through a difficult time.

Just have a think about it. I never thought that I would need them, but they were the only thing that made me feel like "normal" for a while.

Agree with seeing your doctor.Sometimes the pain must be so severe that only either tranquillisers or/and anti depressants will help take the edge off.They will also prevent you from self medicating which must seem so tempting.Listen to skyeskyeskye'sposts.She really has been through the mill with her shit for brains ex,but hopefully starting to get better.All the best to you love.

I didn't take pills but in hindsight I really wish I had, just to get through that hump. There is no shame in reaching out for help when you need it. x

I asked for (and got) sleeping tablets because the lying awake all night crying with a thumping heart was just killing me.

oh how awful - I honestly wouldn't wish those early days on my worst enemy.

Orange - we are all proof that you can, and will, get through it. You deserve better, you will be ok. Yep I know it all seems like platitudes but we are right. But you need as much support now as you can garner.

Orange-

So sorry things have taken this turn. You will get through this and you will be ok. Hang on to that. Find any comfort you can. Lean on people. Focus on yourself and dc. I coped in the early days by focussing 100 percent on my dc...it was important to me that I wouldn't let the bastard make me crack completely.

Skye's posts are spot on. MN will see you through this dark time.

and a virtual hug if you want it

X

Aw Orange I really feel for you

I promise it will get better, one day you will wake up and not even think of him

Meantime do what you need to do to get by, have you got someone who can gue you a wee break from dcs

Thank you so much for the support. MN is ideal for those late nights/ empty moments in the day. Even though I sobbed as I wrote my posts earlier, it is somehow an outlet for me.

I have a friend coming over tonight, & he said he will be able to be here a few nights this week as his bf is working late all week. He insists we order takeaway also. (I haven't been able to stomach food or even been hungry at all)

DH is coming over tomorrow to pick the dc up & take them for dinner, and I am dreading it.

I also meant to ask, if anyone has any advice on how to manage the housework / cooking whilst going through this? I just cant seem to, its all so much of an effort. I feel guilty as the dc are currently munching their way through assorted bowls of soup/ leftover stew/ crisps that I laid out on the table 20 minutes ago

I'm so sorry, it is very painful. You feel you have lost your future but you haven't. He is a liar and a chickenshit.

Don't feel guilty, your DC's food is fine x

My dc were tiny when I went through it (2 and under a year) so meals didnt really matter as much as my eldest was happy to do the toddler grazing thing. When I did cook I did make big batches up though so that it would last a few meals. Pasta, pizza's, jacket spuds, egg and chips from the chip shop...anything to get you through the first few weeks. It doesn't matter.

If anyone (friends/fam) ask you what they can do, ask them if they coulda me you up a lasagne or a Shepards pie etc. people like to be useful and they would be happy to do something. I know you may not feel comfortable asking/ taking the help but you have to. It took me months to let people help me but you just have to.

Make sure you relax tonight with your friend, cry, chat, don't chat...whatever brings you comfort. Try to eat some of the take away. You need your strength

X

Hello love - all so horribly familiar. As my counsellor pointed out to me:

Screw the sodding housework!

There are no housework police so don't bother with it unless you feel like it. A lot of the suffering in the early months is because we put ourselves under so much pressure to 'keep up appearances' and give ourselves such a hard time for not coping as well as we think we should.

Do talk to your doctor. They may be able to get you some counselling and you may consider some anti-anxiety meds/sleeping tablets etc. These all help.

As for food - soup is great. Anything that's a quick re-heat type stuff so perhaps batch cook on a day when everything isn't so overwhelming for the sake of the kids.

At this stage everything will seem insurmountable. That's perfectly normal. You're feelings and behaviour ARE normal so please don't beat yourself up unnecessarily.

I promise you it does get easier but the early months are horrific.

Take it one small moment at a time. Managed to get out of bed? Accomplishment. Got the kids off to school. Accomplishment. At this very, very, very early stage try not to panic about the future. It's total baby steps to get through each day.

And, take it from me, don't believe a word of what 'he says'. Take care.