Will my husband come back?

[orangeskins]

He has left me, telling me he doesn't love me anymore & has no effort to try at all.

I am completely and utterly shocked & devastated. He told me this a month ago too, except then he wanted to come back & try. He didn't try at all & has now left.

Will he come back to me at all? I'm so sad for our children (they don't know yet) Anything I say doesn't seem to make a difference.

I meant to say, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's shit. I had about 4mths of torture, of him saying "I'm going to get a flat near work, and I may come and see you at the weekend, but don't expect it"

I basically became immensely practical. I planned for a life without him - and it was going to be a good life, I can tell you! I told him we'd sell the house, and he'd have to pay maintenance for dc. I told him I planned to get a job, and I was planning to rent a flat in - it was going to be fab - it was going to be v bohemian and I was going to be a fab (and very skinny- thanks to divorce weightloss) single mum. I planned sports and hobbies I would take up. I made vegetable soup and drank with friends and family. I threw myself into caring for my dc, and planning a life for us.

I basically refused to be downtrodden, or upset, or the 'abandoned' woman (I was, I was heartbroken - but I didn't let him see that!) I told him that there was no way I was going to be with someone who no longer loved me, that I didn't believe in staying together for the sake of the children. I told him to go if he no longer loved me - it was the only thing to do.

I opened the door wide for him, and shooed him out. I genuinely think he was going through some sort of early midlife crisis, as he has never done anything like this since. I think it was a reaction to parenthood tbh.

Take a deep breath, and tell him go. Help him leave. Calmly. Make practical financial arrangements for a new life for just you and the dc- child maintenance, benefits you;re entitled to, future job plans etc. Be fabulous. Don't do the 'pick me dance' (that's the worse thing to do) - just be your own fabulous self and tell him to bugger off. You have better things to do than weep over him. You're planing a life with your wonderful dc.

If he does come crawling back - it's a negotiation process. You will not go back to the way things were. You would be doing him a favour accepting him back. Be very, very reticent about taking him back. I told my dh all about the wonderful life I'd been planning with dc - you have to mean it though.

Be strong, be yourself. You can do it on your own. I would finish by saying that after doing all that, you may not want him back - he might genuinely be a wanker. He might not come back - in which case, you don't really want him anyway, do you? Because you're fabulous, and he's a loser. In which case you're well rid, and you've sorted your life out too.

Crossed posts with you yang1 No he hasn't. He told me we will speak tomorrow

Perhaps its time to give him a reality check....tell him, fine go but we need to discuss financial support, tell him he will need to look afters dcs as you now need to work...oh and as you are free you will need him to take dcs so you can start having a social life again....

silence

love your post

Oh, and get a good solicitor. I hope you have rl support - use it.

If you're a sahm you should be entitled to some spousal support as well as child maintenance - especially if you gave up a job to look after the children.

Silence Can I ask please how old your dh was at this point? How long did the whole thing go on for?

Thank you for the wonderful advice by the way. I don't even want to get uop in the mornings, however have been forcing myself into the shower every day, getting dc sorted, keeping on top of the house & have lost a LOT of weight through stress. I have been doing my hair/ makeup each day & have only cried once in front of him the whole month.

I have to find work, and I have also sent off for my provisional as I really need to drive now.

Silence - you do sound fabulous

OP - please keep listening to her.

orange

well done, keep going

You need to take a wee bit of control however...has he been taking his turn with dc? You dictate when you have discussion...you tell him how you want things to be financially etc

time to put his gas at a peep....

The trouble is - folk who tell you stories of how their husband came back, that has no bearing to your life. You cannot cling onto the hope he will return just because others did. You are clearly desperate for him to come back. I know it is hideous but you need to prepare yourself for the fact he probably won't. It doesn't matter how old he or others were when they left. What matters is he checked out and left, prob emotionally some time ago. Now you need to catch up and fast and stop being a doormat willing him to return so he can walk all over you again. Take the reins back and stand up for yourself - you deserve so much more than him deciding your future don't you think? Tell him to get knotted and you will get your solicitor to contact him - then do just that.

I'm so sorry op.

My ex dh did exactly this to me some years ago. He got promoted at work, started going out with everyone younger than him and then told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted out. He upped and left in 2 weeks and dd then aged 6 nor I ever saw or heard from him again. I was literally on the floor. I had to downsize my home and was made redundant around the same time. I found out later he had gone back to an ex he had before me he'd found on Facebook! He'd been talking to her for a while and went to see her when he stayed with his mum telling his mum he was out with friends! (We live some way away from his mum so him staying over wasn't unusual).

It hurt so much. It took me a long time to rebuild my confidence but I did. And somehow I am now happily remarried and have a toddler son as well as older dd.

Lots of hugs for you xx

He was 32. It was about 4 months of hell, then overnight things changed.

I had basically done all the things I've just said in my previous posts, and was resigned to us splitting. He suddenly told me he saw things completely differently now. He came back from a night away (which of course had left me in agony because I thought he was with another woman) - but in fact he'd been with an old male friend, and friend's wife. What was said -if anything- I don't know. But he was a changed man. We still see those friends, and they've never said a word.

He is honestly an exemplary husband now. But, of course, that won't be the case for all men, I'm afraid. All I can tell you is that ^ that is the best course of action to take. Whether you get him back or not. WHether you want him back or not. Don't be the downtrodden woman. You're holding a lot of cards here- you are the mother of the children.

You can have a good life without him OP - don't bank on him returning, thats' the worst thing to do. Plan your life without him.

IMHO he has had his head turned by the glamour of new friends and the glitz of partying. Nice, lovely, stress and responsibility free.

Hmmmmm

This won't go down well.

What I would do is when he comes to the house next, get up and leave. Tell him you need to sort out your head. Advise him since he is the one with the job, money he is the one in the best position to raise the children and you cannot manage without him. At that point you should leave the house.

Bear in mind he will be in an absolute panic because tomorrow is Friday and he will want to be out with his new pals.

Whilst you are gone, he will feel very alone, have to deal with the dc and he will be terrified of the prospect of not achieving his goal - running away from it all.

I guarantee after you leave the house you will get frantic texts asking when you are coming back and so on. Just reply you don't know and you need time to think.

He needs to realise the enormity of what he is doing to you all. You should not be bearing the burden of the children and house alone. Let him see what it is like.

I am sorry to say that I do think there could be someone else.

Has he been hiding his phone? Or keeping the password from you?

fairy

Christ what a shit

What slice said is a great idea too! Much better than mine actually!

Good for you, Orange. I was in a similar position three years ago and much of what you've written resonates strongly with me. Above all, stay icy calm, reasonable and dignified. At least in front of him. I managed to with my twunt of an ex and, hard as it was at the time, I can now look back and think that, actually, I'm really proud of how I handled things. I've managed to carve out a good working relationship with him that suits me and the DCs and I'm now in a wonderful new relationship which is a million miles better than the marriage I thought I was happy in. It's so scary when it first happens, but I promise you'll find strength you never knew you had, and it'll stay with you even after you're done cleansing your life of this pillock. Stay strong.

I think currentnameinuse is right, other people's stories don't necessarily provide a template but I suspect at this stage, you are wanting something to pin your hopes on. I totally understand that.

However you are feeling, you need to act and plan as though he has gone for good.

Then whatever happens you are in a better place. Sounds like you are doing a magnificent job already!

My DH was older, nearly 50. Classic last gasp mid life crisis. He was also seriously physically and psychologically unwell and had a heart attack just after he moved out. We had business problems and he fixated on the idea that everything was obviously my fault and if I could be removed from his life, everything would right itself. It became apparent fairly quickly this wasn't the case.

It's not perfect now and I would be unfair if I made out it was a storybook ending. He's been back a year and I'm still angry. I don't yet fully trust him as he showed himself at the time to be very untrustworthy. I doubt I will ever trust him fully and that's sad.

But life is better with him in it than without and none of us is perfect. Even me!

You poor thing.

You need to realise that just because he has left you, it doesn't automatically mean you would have him back. What would be in it for you even if he did decide to return?

Sorry likely but I disagree with telling him you can't cope. I would go in hard, as a PP said above. Act as though you have decided you don't want him and prepare for divorce.

He is out the house, no rights - he left. I would push for 50/50 childcare as you want to get back to work. His issue how he arranges that bet he gets back in touch with mum

Calculation sent to him on what you are entitled too financially as from yesterday. Free advice from divorce solicitor. Because do you know what? He has told you this is what is happening so take him at every last fucking word. You are now a single strong woman who is learning to drive and getting a wonderful new job! With a divorce solicitor!

He'll shit himself.

Thanks neither I'm not really that fabulous - I just steeled myself to keep on going. Sounds like orange is doing the same - so keep at it, orange. You're doing fine.

It's worth noting that I didn't do all those things to 'get him back'. I did them because I had to, because I refuse to be downtrodden by a man (or anyone!), because I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me.

I wasn't expecting him to come back, he was so certain he was going to leave. We talked a lot - both during the trauma time, and afterwards. All I can say is that he came back to me a changed man - he really is so different now. So it was worth me taking him back - it was my choice. I was so, so careful in the beginning. But he was so certain. He stopped seeing the young friends and changed jobs. It turned everything around.

Can't believe he has said it won't affect the DC's. What planet is he living on. Just pure selfishness to walk out on a wife and young family like this. I don't think I'd be prepared to enter into any kind of discussion with him at the present time. But I suppose you'll have to for the sake of the children. But I would be very cool and distant if I could manage it.

Well my love, having seen the photos he was punching WELL above his weight with you! You are so pretty and clearly adore your children, he will miss you far more than you will miss him in the long run, believe me :)

Take each day as it comes, you know where I am xx

You are getting some fantastic responses. Apologies if anyone else has said this but it's time to change YOUR p/w for the bank too. Lock it all down so you are not ripped off.

Hello orange, same thing happened to me 6 months ago, so there are others. He's still gone and it seems definitely over, so I'm now picking myself off the floor and am trying to have as little contact with him as possible and trying to move on. My DH also is reluctant to tell his friends or family, even after all this time. There is no OW, but I think he is depressed.

It is cruel and unfair, especially on the DCs. But other posters are right, he seemed to doubt himself when I seemed like I didn't care, but I also did a lot of crying in front of him (I am utterly devastated) and that certainly didn't help.

Good luck, take it one day at a time. Don't keep asking what he is thinking now, just leave him to it and try your best to get on with day to day life on your own. Get some RL friends to support you too.

I'm so sad about it, and feel completely helpless. I have no idea what to do now, how to find a job, manage the dc etc.

I don't know how I will just be without him. I am so sorry for my children too.

You've had some great advice.

This struck me though "He told me we will speak tomorrow" - er no, he doesn't get to dictate when you will speak. Or when he will see you.