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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will my husband come back?

293 replies

orangeskins · 05/03/2015 14:41

He has left me, telling me he doesn't love me anymore & has no effort to try at all.

I am completely and utterly shocked & devastated. He told me this a month ago too, except then he wanted to come back & try. He didn't try at all & has now left.

Will he come back to me at all? I'm so sad for our children (they don't know yet) Anything I say doesn't seem to make a difference.

OP posts:

currentnameinuse · 14/03/2015 17:54

Yup - have read the script. Astonishing is indeed the word.

I guess if they tell a lie enough times (& paint themselves as the poor unfortunate victim) - then it must be true. If it wasn't so awful it would be laughable wouldn't it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/03/2015 18:00

Current...indeed. The problem with lies though is they grow and grow and then you have keep lying to cover up the other lies and then the lies get bigger and then your whole life is one big bloody lie. This is my husband and OW. They had to do a lot of lying because of her "reputation" and her husband being killed in the middle of their affair. They can't keep up with it. It must be so bloody stressful! I am still gobsmacked at how many people have come forward on this thread with almost identical stories. Oranges, we're all here when you're ready my darling x

SpicedGingerTea · 14/03/2015 20:12

Bogey excellent post at 17.22, you have nailed it. I too was told he'd not been happy for some time (even his mother said that to my Mum - 'he's not been happy you know' - argh!), we weren't suited apparently, blah blah blah. It made me completely question the previous 10 years of my life.

Orange I hope you've had a better day today.

Original poster

orangeskins · 14/03/2015 20:14

This is all so sad. I cried at so many of these stories, knowing you all are / have been through the same thing. Its so awful.

As an update, and something that has well and truly fucked my head up even more - DH came back from having the dc today, and told me he has made the biggest mistake. He told me how very sorry he was, disappeared for 30minutes, then came back and told me he had packed all his stuff up. He wasn't going into work this afternoon - he was going to stay with his mum (an hour away) He would get a job there, and do what ever it takes to get me to trust him again. He left, after telling me to please think about it. In this time he gave me his phone, and also showed me that he blocked everyone (his new mates) off his facebook. Since he left, 2 messages have come through on his phone telling him he was a fucking coward etc etc.

I really didn't have anything to say to about this too much, and my head is very messed up, even more so then before. Can anyone please help me make sense of this?

OP posts:

magoria · 14/03/2015 20:23

OW didn't want him and he has no one else.

WellWhoKnew · 14/03/2015 20:25

Mine did the same when he turned 40. Week later same thing, I gather it's called 'hoovering'.

He turned 50.

Here I am getting divorced. Suddenly Abandoned again, left in a helluva mess. IF I could turn back time, and I knew half of what I know now, I'd tell myself run for the hills. And never look back.

I can't say this is what will happen to you. I can only tell you what happened to me.

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/03/2015 20:25

Orange, OK, so he's fucked up. Monumentally. I am huge advocate of saving your marriage if you can. I know others won't agree. Who told him he was a fucking coward? May I suggest that you make entirely sure he is staying with his Mum. He was living with the OW wasn't he? Is this a "blip" because he's been with the kids? If I were in your shoes, I would now insist on a period of separation. That he agrees to counselling. That you need to know absolutely everything about OW because otherwise it will haunt you (he won't like that and won't want to but that's his issue). Will see what everybody else says, but I am firmly of the belief that you should explore all options especially with DC involved. How do you feel about this? Say it like it is, you'll feel better for it...bear in mind he said he didn't love you anymore...x

winkywinkola · 14/03/2015 20:26

Orangeskins, DO NOT make any decisions about anything now. Do nothing. You are still in a very fragile, hurt state.

Remember, words words words words words. It's actions that matter. This man has to do so very much to win you back again.

You see, even if you took him back, your pain wouldn't be over because you'd done so. You would still doubt, agonise, wonder - it's a form of torture.

Just you take your time. You do not have to make any decisions now at all. I wouldn't let him back in to your life just like that anyway even if you wanted to. He has to work very hard and understand that you are a prize and not just available at his whim.

You have been through so much. Come so far. He has no clue of your painful journey. It has been progress even though it's been utterly miserable for you. You are changed by all this. An awful lot.

Take your time. Don't be rushed into anything.

winkywinkola · 14/03/2015 20:27

What is hoovering?

Original poster

orangeskins · 14/03/2015 20:33

It was the OW messaged him telling him he was a fucking coward

OP posts:

NickiFury · 14/03/2015 20:42

I would message her back and get her side of the story. Believe me there's no one so informative as an OW who has been left to go back to the ex W.

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/03/2015 20:47

Orange, I agree with NickiFury...she will also not know you have his phone. At least you know he's not there. He is indeed a fucking coward, she's right about that. You have his balls in your hands...use it!! Oh and I would ring her, she'll think it's him!

tribpot · 14/03/2015 20:56

He's already done this once, hasn't he? He came back and said he wanted to try. Then he didn't, then he left again. You can see from some of the others' stories that this is a familiar pattern.

That doesn't mean he isn't sincere but given the extent of the lies he's told up til this point, there is no logical reason to believe him. And you don't need to. He claims he is going to put in all the leg work to win you back - fine. Let him get on with it. You aren't obliged to agree to take him back at this stage or at any stage. Tell him he can do whatever he wants, you simply will not be making a decision.

It sounds like you're torturing yourself to understand how he can appear to sincerely believe two completely opposing versions of himself simultaneously. Hard as it is, don't try. More time is the only way to tell which, if either, is real.

Momagain1 · 14/03/2015 20:56

Orange: dont let him just walk back in. Being with you is not resuming, it is starting a whole new relationship. Neither of you is who you were before he started this crap. The two of you who exist now may, or may not, be a good match.

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/03/2015 21:02

Tribpot and Momagain1...very wise words....

FantasticButtocks · 14/03/2015 22:14

Hi OP, sorry you're having such a shit time. In your position I would:

Be glad OW is calling him a fucking coward. (Because obviously it means it hasn't worked out with her.) She means he is a coward because he has wavered about this decision I presume. And I would take it to mean that he has finished with her. He is a coward. He gave himself permission to cheat on you and didn't have the courage to face up to what he was doing, but threw mud at you instead.
Tell him: I can't afford to allow you to put me through this again. I have allowed you back before and you did nothing to repair the damage you caused.
Tell him: I will not be with someone who doesn't love me.
Let him stew.
let him believe there might be a chance if he sorts himself out and proves himself worthy.
Not let him back, unless he really has proved it.

I agree with everyone on here that says he needs to see you as a prize worth trying to win. Not as an easy option.

FantasticButtocks · 14/03/2015 22:25

And one other thing, OP. If you allow him straight back now, this could become a pattern if your marriage. Will my husband come back? Yes, he will. He will keep coming back.

If he doesn't feel dire consequences for what he has done, and feel he nearly lost you, then he will just keep doing this. The consequences of his behaviour need to be so fucking awful for him that he never wants to put either of you through this again.

Christinayang1 · 15/03/2015 07:57

God, Orange, thus must be messing with your head

Give yourself time to think, he was quite happy to walk out on you and the dcs leaving you devastated, so you need some space to think and find out what you want

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/03/2015 16:24

How are you Oranges....do let us know x

Paddlingduck · 15/03/2015 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patchworkpatty · 15/03/2015 17:45

what an awful situation oranges. I think was has happened is fairly clear. He saw OW as an escape from the humdrum of married life and thought all would be idyllic with OW , only to find out that the reality of seeing your wife and children emotionally shattered by your actions too much to cope with. Its a hard decision now, because the balls are all in your court. The only easy decision is if.you are.absolutely sure he has crossed the line and you are.sure there is no way back. but if it's something you are yet to decide, or are sure you want to try again then you must be firm and dictate your terms. I agree with others that a period apart is best. My only warning shot is be careful not.to prevaricate too long, keep communication channels open and ideally get some couple counselling, ..men can (not.always).be fickle, and OW can be highly manipulative ..giving him too much time apart left to his own devices leaves him open to persuasion but ateotd you may decide she's welcome to him .

AgathaF · 15/03/2015 21:10

Orange you have to go with what is in your heart. I believe that good people can make big mistakes, however, they have to learn from them. If he really has, and he is prepared to walk over hot coals (as it were) to prove this to you, and if you want to give him a chance, then that is what you must do.

If that's not what you want though, then you are completely justified in telling him to do one.

You have a lot of thinking to do.

Ebayaholic · 15/03/2015 21:31

Orange please don't take him back in haste. Although you may get temporary relief from him comforting you and telling you how this makes you more solid because he now knows what he stands to lose (blah blah bullshit) the relief will wear off in a few weeks when your anger kicks in and the bit in between this happening isn't worth it.
If a stranger treated you this way you would not put up with it so why would you let someone who allegedly loves you treat you this way?
Good luck

jasper · 15/03/2015 21:35

great advice here.
So he went to OW and quickly regretted it? hence her texts.

Good luck xxx

skyeskyeskye · 15/03/2015 21:48

orange I agree that it's your marriage and if you both want to save it, then that's up to you, but I also echo the advice to not take him right back.

He can't keep doing this to you, and for your own sanity you need to ask him to stay away. He needs to prove to you beyond doubt that he is committed to you, your marriage and your family.

Please keep posting though, whatever you decide as you will need the support.

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