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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will my husband come back?

293 replies

orangeskins · 05/03/2015 14:41

He has left me, telling me he doesn't love me anymore & has no effort to try at all.

I am completely and utterly shocked & devastated. He told me this a month ago too, except then he wanted to come back & try. He didn't try at all & has now left.

Will he come back to me at all? I'm so sad for our children (they don't know yet) Anything I say doesn't seem to make a difference.

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BuzzardBird · 05/03/2015 16:53

He has changed his password because he has already 'checked out'. You need to find your strength and your anger but stay composed at all times in front of him.
I'm sorry, but you really do deserve better than this 'manchild'. Clubbing and gaming instead of parenting does not a good husband make.

Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 16:55

No, he has not acted like this ever. His normal socialising involves playing football/ having a beer & curry/ going to watch a match at the pub etc.

He is a family man, as are his older brothers. They are in long term relationships (one since school) both are married with children. He is the same.

I just don't understand it at all

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Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 17:14

Is there anyone with similar stories? (no matter the ending)

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Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 17:25

Anyone? Please, I'm so confused by this all.

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ImperialBlether · 05/03/2015 17:26

What a horrible situation. I really think the last thing he is is depressed. He has rediscovered his youth and sounds like he's having a fine time and is not afraid to let you know it.

I would say there's a massive chance of him being involved with someone else and if he's not now, it's something he sees as a distinct possibility.

I'm so sorry - you should really look after yourself now financially and make sure you secure the best deal you can. Do you have friends you can talk to? Do you own your home or rent it?

AgathaF · 05/03/2015 17:30

What carlywurly said. You need to withdraw from him, show him what he is losing. Good relationship, family, home etc. He needs to really feel that loss to force him into making a decision. Please don't let him have his cake and eat it. Keep out of his way, no allowing him to pop in and see you, access visits to DC in local McDs or wherever, not in the family home.

He's really been sucked in to his new lifestyle. Cutting off his old friends and his mum as well as you and his DC show that.

Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 17:41

So I shouldn't allow him here to see dc/ collect his things?

I rent my home. I know I must try to make him feel the loss, I just don't know how, as he wont hear anything I have to say. I told him I think hes making a mistake, he said he didn't care.

I cant help but to try to contact him, although I regret it (the rare times) I try as he just doesn't answer anyway

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BuzzardBird · 05/03/2015 17:46

Make him feel the loss.

Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 17:47

How Buzzard? I don't know how to. He truly doesn't seem to care at all.

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Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 17:52

Has anyone ever had experience of this?

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HootyMcTooty · 05/03/2015 17:56

I think you need to take back control, detach from him, assume he won't be coming back and find your anger.

Have his things packed and ready for him when he arrives and tell him he can see the children wherever he likes, but since he no longer resides in your home he no longer had access to it whenever he likes, that's the choice he has made.

If you can't find your anger, fake it till you make it. He's ditched you so that he can relive his youth. I understand why you're heartbroken, but don't let him see it, he's no longer your friend or confidant, he's the person who has made you hurt.

Bogeyface · 05/03/2015 18:02

No I dont think you should allow him there to see the DC.

He left, it isnt his home anymore, so must suffer the inconvenience of not being able to just walk in and play families when it suits him.

So firstly get onto the CSA maintenance calculator. Presumably you know roughly what he earns, so it will tell you what he should be paying.

Then I suggest you email him, firstly with the expected amount of maintenance and that you will go via CSA if he wont come to a voluntary arrangment and then with an outline of when he can see the kids (every other weekend from Friday to Sunday and one night in the week is usual) but expect him to argue that on the basis that it will eat into his socialising time Hmm. You need to state that he must pick them up at (say) 6pm and return them on Sunday at (say) 4pm. What happens in between is up to him, not you. Also that he must return his house key and knock when he is at your house, he does not have the right to just come and go as he feels like it.

Give him a set amount of time to collect his stuff and anything else he needs you will pack up for him to collect when he collects the kids.

This is not you being a bitch, this is you a) protecting yourself and the kids from him dropping in and out, causing you all confusion and b) making it clear that he made the decision to leave so he has to take responsibility for all that entails.

It isnt easy but at the moment he probably thinks he can sod off and enjoy his new freedom and then pop back and play Daddy when it suits him. Its up to you to make it clear that this will not be happening. That whatever has happened in your marriage he is still a father with responsibilities that must come before his new mates and social life.

take care Flowers

FoolishFay · 05/03/2015 18:03

My DH did leave and came back after 5 months; we hadn't been married long and got in with a younger crowd (how sad!). I know not many women would take someone back again but I did and it's going ok; I am a very different woman now though!

Don't have any conversations about the subject of his leaving/ the future/ how you're feeling etc, he's not entitled to hear your thoughts and as you say, at the moment he's just not interested anyway. Be cool, mysterious and enigmatic.

Just plough on with your life as it is now, enjoy time with your children and do the stuff you want to do. If he want to come back and you want him, you will have all sorts of new interests etc. If not, that's the basis of your future life.

Do it because it's right for you and your children, that's the main reason. He has to see you getting on with your life without him in it. Do not give him the satisfaction of being pined for.

But it also has a weird effect of making him stop and realise what he's missing. Suddenly his new life may look a bit vacuous and shallow.

By then, you may have well moved on anyway....

I read lots of American stuff about the 180 approach. Good luck - you will survive and thrive...

Bogeyface · 05/03/2015 18:03

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Child support calculator

www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/startcalc.aspx

Use this find out what benefits/tax credits etc you are entitled to :)

Bogeyface · 05/03/2015 18:05

I should add that if you want to post your email on here we can help you with it, it can be very helpful to have other people look over it as they can help take out and overly emotional stuff and make the points you want to make as theya re not emotionally involved.

SilenceInTheLibrary · 05/03/2015 18:07

Let him go. Encourage him to go. Tell him to go. Tell him that you won't stop him seeing the dc, (but not at your house) but that you have no wish to be with someone who no longer loves you.

Make plans for the future (doesn't matter if they're real or not). Find your female friends/supportive family. Drink Wine or Brew with them.

Worked for me. Mine came sheepishly back (he never actually left, just said he was going to). I had the upper hand then - I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't going to take this crap anymore and that he would have to treat me with a bit more respect. We talked a lot.

That was 12 years ago. He's a changed man, and we're v happy now. I suspect there was someone else on the sidelines tbh. But he, like your dh, had got a whole new of 'young' childless friends, and i think he felt bogged down by responsibility. I also strongly suspect his closest male friend had words with him, because he came back from a night out with him and his wife, and suddenly everything was different and he wanted to make a go of things.

My basic message is 'don't take any of his crap'. Don't cry, don't beg - simply tell him that if he doesn't love you anymore, you want him to leave. And mean it.

currentnameinuse · 05/03/2015 18:14

Don't let him into your home, claim maintenance and other benefits as a single parent and be prepared for an OW to emerge (sorry). The only way he will want you back is if you let him think he has lost you for good. But tbh I wouldn't advocate mind games such as this and would say a man like this would never be welcome back in my life.

Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 18:34

Foolish & Silence please would you mind telling me more? Your circumstances were exactly the same as mine is now its seems.

Bogeyface I know you (on here only) I have nc and haven't been on here for a long time. You were very involved in my wedding Wine (without saying to much detail) and maybe that would help you know who I am / how me & my dh were together before this.

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Christinayang1 · 05/03/2015 18:39

how old are your dcs?

Bogeyface · 05/03/2015 18:43

I remember, I am so sorry things have turned out like this, you havent been married long at all have you :(

That really is a surprise, I remember the run up to the wedding, you were both so happy. If there is anything I can do, please do let me know xx

Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 18:51

No, we haven't at all. We were both so happy on the lead up to it and afterwards, until this. Thank you for your lovely offer Bogeyface

We had money problems, (always skint) though DH had a promotion at Christmas that was going to start to help with that, though we never argued about it or anything. It was a bot 'meh' not going out or anything a lot, though like I said, money was never an issue with that as his social life was cheap (footie etc - girls night in for me)

Now he seems to just want to spend it all on socialising as I mentioned above.

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Christinayang1 · 05/03/2015 18:55

I know its hard and all you can think of is getting back to normal, however you are going to have to get up and get on with life, there is nothing you can do to bring him back or change this

keep busy, start thinking about finances, can you manage the house on your own?

Tell people in rl

Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 18:57

I'm a sahm & have no idea what to do now. I have been out of work for a while, however I followed the link above & based on a 20 hour week & £7.81ph wage I will be £130 better off a week. I'm not sure if this includes childcare.

I am basing that on a job I found locally btw

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Christinayang1 · 05/03/2015 18:59

Has he mentioned finances or what he intends to do about dc or your home?

Original poster
orangeskins · 05/03/2015 18:59

Meant to say better off in work. However, I really am not sure I am very attractive employee wise tbh. I have been out of work for a while now, and will have to work around childcare too

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