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Original poster

Moved in with OH but different status causing major problems

210 replies

dram10dram · 05/03/2015 10:48

Hi,

I am divorced (8 years) and mum of two twin boys (aged 13.5). We've lived on our own for all of this time. 3.5 years ago I met a local man and we got on very well, he is single (aged 45), never married and no children. I am 46 and life has always been a struggle. During my time living alone I have worked part-time and completed a degree over 6 years, as well as bringing up the boys on my own.

We moved in with my partner last September but there have been major difficulties ever since. He is fairly wealthy (owns his place, and now semi retired, he works off-shore, and has been intending to knock this house down and rebuild another) whilst I have been quite poor. I had to tell him that moving in with him would be financially difficult as I would lose my top up benefits and would only have my child benefit and my wages to survive on. This was all new to him as he has had no idea of parenting, finances and benefits. He said that he would help me and we could open up a joint account; I'd pay my wages in (£450 per month) and he'd put in £500 per month. Well, that hasn't happened. For the first 2 months he never mentioned it, then I was made redundant so I had to prompt him. He's put money into an account but I can't access it as he is now working away again. This is just part of it.

It is very difficult living in a house with two different financial statuses; if we go shopping he may buy something but I can't. He has nice cars, I've had to change mine because I can't afford to run it. He has told me that he intends to leave his property to his nephews, which I fully understand, but I've told him I can't help him build a house as it would be very difficult investing labour and emotion to somewhere that wasn't going to be mine or my children's home. We have no long term say. All of our belongings are still in boxes, we have no pictures up, but he just won't talk about it.

I've told him how unhappy I am, that this doesn't feel like home and asked him to think about how we can overcome this and move forward. But he never gets back to me and when asked he just says he doesn't know how he feels or he hasn't thought about it. By his own admission, he is not pro-active and believes things just happen, so I can't see any change afoot.

On the other hand, he is brilliant with my boys and we get on really well as friends. Am I expecting too much, is there something wrong with me?

xxx

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 05/03/2015 10:54

If he isn't paying any attention to your requests for change then it doesn't seem likely that he will. I think I'd seriously consider moving out and go back to living on your own with your DC's. What would happen if you had an argument and he wanted you to leave. This is something that would certainly worry me in your position. Hope things work out.

bluejelly · 05/03/2015 10:55

No you're not expecting too much. At the very least he should be making you feel welcome (helping you unpack) and sorting out the financial side.

capsium · 05/03/2015 10:58

When he is back home you could make up an appointment at the bank to open up a joint account, at a time you know is convenient.

I honestly do not see how you can share your lives together, as partners, with no joint property. The government does not either, hence your benefits have stopped.

If he is not prepared to share any property then you are not really partners - more like flat mates who enjoy each other's company. If this is the case I would move out because you have a duty to look after your children as well, which costs.

dementedpixie · 05/03/2015 11:00

you are supposed to be a partnership, not flatmates. Does he actually want you there as a partner or just as an (unpaid) housekeeper?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 05/03/2015 11:04

Can you afford to move back out again? Did you get another job?

I don't see much good coming of your staying there as things are now. He's not keeping his end of the bargain (whether through thoughtlessness or selfishness, I don't know) and your only leverage is in leaving. Even if you left for 6 months while he proved he'd be more equal next time if you moved back in.

I moved in with my DP recently, and losing tax credits/NHS Exemption has been really hard!! But not ths hard.

Vivacia · 05/03/2015 11:06

I do not understand why you are sharing accommodation (I'm not reading a description of a 'home' here) when you are not otherwise sharing finances, dreams, shopping, home deco etc. It sounds to me as though your relationship is more at the stage of living separately.

dreamingbohemian · 05/03/2015 11:07

Well now you know why he's never been married. This is not a partnership, you are flatmates. Why on earth would you keep living with him in these conditions??? I'd be moving out pronto.

LucettaTempleman · 05/03/2015 11:07

I'm sorry to say, but I'd move out. What's the point of living together if it's not a partnership? Your children need a secure home base, and actually so do you. Feeling like a lodger isn't what you signed up for. Is it?

Vivacia · 05/03/2015 11:08

By-the-by, I was really struck by this comment in your op I am 46 and life has always been a struggle.

I thought it was interesting language. I would have found, "I am 46 and I've always worked hard for what I have achieved" or "I am 46 and have always been very independent" more expected versions.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 05/03/2015 11:09

Doesn't sound good to me. He seems to be shying away from actually living as a couple. It sounds like he expects you to be a renter living in his home, rather than your home jointly as a couple. I couldn't live like that.

You need to put him on the spot, I'd be giving an saying either this all gets resolved and we move forwards, or I move back out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2015 11:10

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you within this?.

He was probably only "brilliant" with your boys when your own family unit and he were living separately.

How well did you really know him at all?.

I would move back out and end your relationship as this is not working out at all. Moving in with him at all was a gross error of judgment on your part and not thought through enough by both of you.

Your role to him seems to be that of unpaid housekeeper and he has made promises he has not kept. He is also not proactive in any way and this is the real him. He is not going to change and I very much doubt he is the man you thought he was; you had an idealised version in your head.

cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 11:12

It's not working, dram, is it? He sounds rather set in his ways and unwilling to share - which isn't too surprising at his age and without a LTR behind him (?) (Liked the notion but the reality is a bit different.) I would also be a little edgy about his apparent unacknowledgement of the position of you and your DCs with regard to his property. 'Good' though he may be with them, it sounds as if he rather regards you all as temporary.

Have you got somewhere for you all to go if you leave? (Because I think I'd be calling Time before any real damage was done.)

JoanHickson · 05/03/2015 11:15

His poor communication won't change. I would move out.

Buttyfly · 05/03/2015 11:16

if you have spent your whole life spending your money on yourself it is hard to learn to spend it on someone else and to assimilate the idea that your money is 'family money'. This appears to be the problem with your OH. It is not that he's 'not proactive' or 'believes things will get done' - he is actively resenting sharing his money. Maybe you can get over this, but it will have to be confronted.

Good luck, you have shown great strength and initiative so far, don't let him slow you down.

capsium · 05/03/2015 11:17

By his own admission, he is not pro-active and believes things just happen, so I can't see any change afoot.

You can start being proactive for him. You make the decisions, such as setting up bank appointments etc. Make sure you set up a standing order from his account into it or get his wages paid into it at the same time. If you ask at the bank appointment, this can be done then. It will just happen for him then. He just has to sign!

If he objects, well, then you will know where you stand.

capsium · 05/03/2015 11:17

By his own admission, he is not pro-active and believes things just happen, so I can't see any change afoot.

You can start being proactive for him. You make the decisions, such as setting up bank appointments etc. Make sure you set up a standing order from his account into it or get his wages paid into it at the same time. If you ask at the bank appointment, this can be done then. It will just happen for him then. He just has to sign!

If he objects, well, then you will know where you stand.

Branleuse · 05/03/2015 11:17

i think you should move out and go back to how you were. Theres no point living with someone when it makes you finanacially and emotionally worse off. Thats not a family

pocketsaviour · 05/03/2015 11:22

I've told him how unhappy I am, that this doesn't feel like home and asked him to think about how we can overcome this and move forward. But he never gets back to me and when asked he just says he doesn't know how he feels or he hasn't thought about it.

Got to be honest, it really doesn't sound like he's invested in making your relationship work.

How did you come to move in with him? Whose idea was it?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 05/03/2015 11:37

You need to move back out. You'd worked out the plan for the finances but he's acting like the plan will happen without his input. It won't. All your things are still packed...this is not your home and he's not inclined to take steps to change that. You've lost your benefits because of the move, then the loss of your job combined with him reneging on your agreement is crippling your independence. How are you supposed to make simple parenting decisions for your boys (ie, if they want a new jacket, phone, etc) if you then have to go cap in hand asking for money?

He isn't willing to finance you. That's his decision and he's more than entitled to make that. But you really must make sure you can finance you and your boys on the back of this.

gamerchick · 05/03/2015 11:45

He doesn't seem to have shifted his mindset to being in a relationship with a long term future and you don't really have the time to wait for that to happen.

One conversation with action and tell him you think it will be best is you move out and take your relationship back to dating as he's obviously not ready if nothing does.

Then see how it goes.. It may fizzle out but better that happen living apart.

Original poster
dram10dram · 05/03/2015 12:09

Thanks everyone for your input, it is very much appreciated. The moving out part is difficult. We live in a small rural village which the boys love, and since they have been through a lot of upheaval in their lives already I think staying locally is essential. They were brought up here and are integral parts of the community. This means that we are limited to finding somewhere else within the village. Also, this week is my last week of paid employment. I have applied for over 70 jobs but have only been offered those that involve working nights, so not suitable. Which landlord would take me on at the moment.

In his defence, I do think he is very naive about families and relationships. He has never needed to know about living with financial help or the expense of children. He did open an account but just needed my prompting (several times). I am very proud, my pride has helped me get this far in life. I find it hard to ask for help, so I just survive and then things burst out in argument. I think my pride does get in the way at times.

He actually does most of the cleaning/laundry as when he is not off-shore he is at home without the need to work.

He has no legal obligation to provide for me and the boys, so am I just being needy? I do have a small pot of money and I want to invest into the house that he might build, but he says it would feel like he is taking away my life savings. I think it would be investing in mine/our future. I actually think he means (but not consciously) that he doesn't want me to take away his life savings. He has worked hard for what he has got, as have I, just my work doesn't pay as well. The house he owns was his uncle's so there is a family tie, he bought it off his mum when his uncle passed away. This is why he would like his nephews to inherit it. Of course, his nephews may well sell it on, there are three of them.

What he does say is things might change, who knows? That is true, but do I stay and see if things do change, that this can become our home? I am 46 and feel time is running out for me to make a home. I've asked for him to think about a time scale, but again he doesn't get back to me. I just feel very confused. I do love him as he does me. The boys love living here, they can play football and ride their bikes around and he is a great role model for them. That means a lot to me as my ex has been utterly useless!

xxx

OP posts:
JoanHickson · 05/03/2015 12:14

Stop focusing on money. He is not communicating or following through. Use your savings to rent with your dc alone.

WipsGlitter · 05/03/2015 12:20

Complicated. Have you talked about a long term future or getting married?
Is he paying all the running expenses on the house and you are buying food? I certainly would not be investing in the new house until I had spoken to a solicitor.

Vivacia · 05/03/2015 12:23

You would give your life's savings to his nephews?

You should be looking to expand your options, not limit them.

FlabbyMummy · 05/03/2015 12:26

I would get on the phone and tell him to put money (the 500 he promised) into your account or an account you can access. He can do this whilst he is away, this isn't a dent in your pride, treat this as a thing to be proud of, you are standing up for yourself and whats right.

I would book a session with Relate for his return, tell him it's non refundable/non negotiable. I would also unpack some things, as a visual for when he returns to see that you are not a visitor.

This move has left you in a vulnreable position, especially now you don't have a job, keep applying for jobs and try to stay positive. It's clear that there is no where to go currently due to your circumstances and area in which you live but these will change and if after the Relate session it becomes clear that he isn't going to get onboard with the relationship you can plan your move, on your terms. You could become a tennant to get your benefits back whilst looking for another place, in these circs I would also visit the CAB.