Moved in with OH but different status causing major problems

[dram10dram]

Hi,

I am divorced (8 years) and mum of two twin boys (aged 13.5). We've lived on our own for all of this time. 3.5 years ago I met a local man and we got on very well, he is single (aged 45), never married and no children. I am 46 and life has always been a struggle. During my time living alone I have worked part-time and completed a degree over 6 years, as well as bringing up the boys on my own.

We moved in with my partner last September but there have been major difficulties ever since. He is fairly wealthy (owns his place, and now semi retired, he works off-shore, and has been intending to knock this house down and rebuild another) whilst I have been quite poor. I had to tell him that moving in with him would be financially difficult as I would lose my top up benefits and would only have my child benefit and my wages to survive on. This was all new to him as he has had no idea of parenting, finances and benefits. He said that he would help me and we could open up a joint account; I'd pay my wages in (£450 per month) and he'd put in £500 per month. Well, that hasn't happened. For the first 2 months he never mentioned it, then I was made redundant so I had to prompt him. He's put money into an account but I can't access it as he is now working away again. This is just part of it.

It is very difficult living in a house with two different financial statuses; if we go shopping he may buy something but I can't. He has nice cars, I've had to change mine because I can't afford to run it. He has told me that he intends to leave his property to his nephews, which I fully understand, but I've told him I can't help him build a house as it would be very difficult investing labour and emotion to somewhere that wasn't going to be mine or my children's home. We have no long term say. All of our belongings are still in boxes, we have no pictures up, but he just won't talk about it.

I've told him how unhappy I am, that this doesn't feel like home and asked him to think about how we can overcome this and move forward. But he never gets back to me and when asked he just says he doesn't know how he feels or he hasn't thought about it. By his own admission, he is not pro-active and believes things just happen, so I can't see any change afoot.

On the other hand, he is brilliant with my boys and we get on really well as friends. Am I expecting too much, is there something wrong with me?

xxx

Why can't your kid's father stub up?

Seriously, although he sounds a bit of a stick in the mud, your new partner has worked and sorted himself out AND providing housign for you and your kids.

Not sounding a hard, but a wage of 450/month, to me, does not indicate to me someone who is working hard to provide for their kids. Whats that in hours - 20 a week?

Again someone has to be hard here, but was a 6 year degree that results in you only earning 450/month worth it FFS? Sounds like you'd have been better off working. If you have kids then you have responsibilities for about 20 years. You cannot piss around like a you are a student with no commitments.

It sounds as if he wanted to have you with him, but is not of the experience or mindset to see himself as a family with you. That might be because he has lived so long alone.

He seems to have thought no further than it being a physical re-location of you into his house, and hasn't seen it as a development of the relationship. And worse hasn't taken account of the serious impact on your independence and finances.

He seems to be hugely lacking in empathy, sensitivity, imagination and the commitment gene!

Does he say he loves you?

You may be able to educate him in a short sharp shock, or by making time for intensive talking about what living together as a family actually means - and did you both have the same expectations.

OP, he may have created an account but it's not a joint account obviously. It's just as inaccessible as the account that the money was originally in.

His words may be nice to hear but his actions are screaming that he doesn't want to fund you.

Also don't invest anything in his home unless its a joint property. If this relationship works out but he still stands on the Nephews inheriting the house then consider a Buy to let or other investment for your money.

flabby - she has no money. Thats a major part of her problem.

I can see where you are coming from hereandtherex, their father is unreliable and so can't be counted upon. I did my degree whilst working, graduating last year. My work was school hours which suits my family, I have no near relatives and so they are fully dependent on me. This included picking them up and taking them to school, as we live in a rural area. Finding work around my kids is paramount. One parent has no input in their lives so they like me being there. I take them to football, motocross, youth club etc. It's not like living in a town, they have to be taken there as there is no public transport.

The idea was to do the degree whilst they needed me around, and so find a different job when they become more independent. I'm near that point now but I can't work nights (who would be around if anything went wrong) and there is a limited employment market around here.

I certainly do intend to improve my financial situation. I've always worked, went back to work the week after the boys were born, but I've had to change the type of work to fit my family, as I'm sure many people do. Sadly, a lot of jobs available to single parents just don't pay very much.

x

But he never gets back to me - you are not the junior in his office, FFS.

It sounds like you both had completely different expectations when you moved in - you thought it would be a partnership and he thought it would be the same as before but you are just under the same roof. Was his reasons for moving in together that you both spent so much time together anyway, 'you might as well'? Or was there a practical consideration such as your lease not being renewed? It doesn't sound like he sees this development as 'the next step' in your relationship or even that it is permenant. Serious talk required as to what you both want.

As far as leaving his property, well, thats his choice. But at the age of 45 I would guess he's not going to be dying for quite a number of years.

Then I think you are living in the wrong place for your situation.

You need to work + earn but you live where there is no work. Nice as the rural setup may or may not be, I cannot see how you can square all those needs.

He sounds selfish. When you move in together you're supposed to be a family. I'm a firm believer in having equal spending money as a bare minimum.

Myself and my dd then aged 7 had my now dh move in and from the start (and without prompting) we pooled all our income and split whatever is left between us. I don't work and he does and it's been like that since he moved in. We now have a toddler and it's nearly 6 years on from there and we treat all money as family money (despite dd not actually being "his" he treats her as his own, he is very much dad).

Your set up sounds very odd.

What would happen if he was hit by a bus tomorrow?

You and your sons would be on the street.

This would be the same outcome if you put your small pot of money into his new house.

I do understand how the nephew bit came about - uncles house, mothers house etc - and is seen as a family/blood/generational asset....but then comes the Q -- does he see you 4 as a family?

What were your expectations before you moved in? Was he generous with the boys?

OK, lets be hard again. You had your kids at 35ish. What did you spend the time between 20 + 35 doing?

I feel you are too hard on your OH because you feel you've not achieved much in the way of independence in your life. Posters here are all pointing the finger at the OH and saying he's at fault - he sounds like a saint to me. A bit detached maybe.

im don't believe moving in with someone automatically makes you a family. all it means is you are living together. I can absolutely see where he is coming from with regards his house - you have absolutely no claim on his property or who he should leave it to - its his and he is right to protect it.

I would be careful with your pot of money and his house. I would keep your pot of money for you and your boys. I don't think its wise to invest it in his house at this time - it may be your relationship grows and things happen - I kind of agree with him in that sense as all relationships change as time goes on.

Hereand you are asking the OP about why she did this qualification and took that job etc in the past. Where are you going with that?

I don't think either party is at fault, I just think you've moved in too soon.

You need to move out. Continue to see each other if you like, but on your own terms and from your own home. And you need to move somewhere where you can find good work and your boys can be much more independent. They are old enough to be left after school while you work more hours. Living where you are is a terrible deal for your family: you cannot find work, the dc cannot get around, and you cannot find anywhere to live. There are plenty of places in the UK where they can ride their bikes and be outdoors and that also feature public transport. Your current situation is untenable.

Viv - because I'm not trying to point the figure at the OH.

The poster has a number of issues that are not caused by her OH. Trying to fix the OH when he is not the root cause of a lot of her problems is stupid.

She is an adult (48) and she has a number of responsibilties, namely her kids.

I agree, other than being misleading, her OH hasn't done anything wrong. He just doesn't want to finance the OP or lose control of his asset. He's not in the wrong for feeling that way but the OP needs to react to it and work out how she's going to support her children.

I wonder if you could buy a home of your own with your cash and possibly some financial and other support, as a guarantor, from your OH and rent it out. It sounds like that would offer you security into the future and allow him to do as he plans without being unfair to you.

I really am not sure why you moved in with him, it may have been worth taking a chance, but clearly he is far too settled in his own life to accommodate others fully.

I agree hereandtherex, he is a lovely person. Between the ages of 20 - 35 I worked. Where I live the average house price is around 11.5 x times the average salary, thus difficult to get on to the property ladder. My ex worked on a farm and we had a tied cottage, so no equity. I have managed to save to build up a small pot. So I can quite confidently say, I've always worked.

I'm not trying to be hard on OH, I'm looking to see if I am being too needy, seeking too much. He has provided us with a house, a roof over our head, but we did have this before also.

I would say I am independent, as he would! Just not as financially well of as he is, life choices. I had kids and so needed to work around that, he didn't so could work off-shore.

I wonder if you could buy a home of your own with your cash

What on earth makes you think she has that kind of money??

On 400/month she could not afford to buy a home. On 400/month she would struggle to feed her kids and run a car FFS.

There's nothing magic about BTL - its going to ruin a most BTL investors.

What I feel most is that he is not acknowledging how I feel. That it is difficult to invest emotionally into the relationship and house because I feel we are not on equal footings.

x

I am 50 with two children younger than yours. I am going through a divorce and will have to start again. So don't use your age as a reason for compromising and staying with him.

You have made yourself and your twins very vulnerable. I think you should move out. Children are incredibly adaptable. If you move to a bigger town there will be more opportunities for you and the kids. Rural is great when kids are young not so when they need lifts everywhere.

I certainly wouldn't spend my life savings on his new house.

OP, it's still early days, don't give up yet!! Sounds like this man has brought lots of positives to your boys' lives. I agree with you it's important for them to have a good male role-model and a stable home. Treat this as a trial period. I think it's too soon to abandon hope!

Remember this man has had a different lifestyle, different priorities, has no idea how expensive it is raising kids etc. He might take time to trust you with his money. He may want to 'see how things go' living together before making any sort of commitment, financial or otherwise. Taking on someone else's kids long-term is a huge deal, you can't rush him into this.
Most men in his position would be nervous about women only being interested for their money, especially a single mum of 2 who has always struggled financially. Did he have a bad experience in the past? He doesn't sound selfish to me, just cautious (and inexperienced at relationships). He's protecting his assets and has every right to. If in time he feels you're 'the one' I'm sure he'll share and provide for you.

If you love him, enjoy being with him and he feels the same about you, then be patient. Be clear when you really need money (I agree he needs to stick to paying you the amount he agreed). Explain what you need it for if he delays. Keep looking for a job so he doesn't think you're just after a meal-ticket. Can you find a job that involves working from home?