Moved in with OH but different status causing major problems

[dram10dram]

Hi,

I am divorced (8 years) and mum of two twin boys (aged 13.5). We've lived on our own for all of this time. 3.5 years ago I met a local man and we got on very well, he is single (aged 45), never married and no children. I am 46 and life has always been a struggle. During my time living alone I have worked part-time and completed a degree over 6 years, as well as bringing up the boys on my own.

We moved in with my partner last September but there have been major difficulties ever since. He is fairly wealthy (owns his place, and now semi retired, he works off-shore, and has been intending to knock this house down and rebuild another) whilst I have been quite poor. I had to tell him that moving in with him would be financially difficult as I would lose my top up benefits and would only have my child benefit and my wages to survive on. This was all new to him as he has had no idea of parenting, finances and benefits. He said that he would help me and we could open up a joint account; I'd pay my wages in (£450 per month) and he'd put in £500 per month. Well, that hasn't happened. For the first 2 months he never mentioned it, then I was made redundant so I had to prompt him. He's put money into an account but I can't access it as he is now working away again. This is just part of it.

It is very difficult living in a house with two different financial statuses; if we go shopping he may buy something but I can't. He has nice cars, I've had to change mine because I can't afford to run it. He has told me that he intends to leave his property to his nephews, which I fully understand, but I've told him I can't help him build a house as it would be very difficult investing labour and emotion to somewhere that wasn't going to be mine or my children's home. We have no long term say. All of our belongings are still in boxes, we have no pictures up, but he just won't talk about it.

I've told him how unhappy I am, that this doesn't feel like home and asked him to think about how we can overcome this and move forward. But he never gets back to me and when asked he just says he doesn't know how he feels or he hasn't thought about it. By his own admission, he is not pro-active and believes things just happen, so I can't see any change afoot.

On the other hand, he is brilliant with my boys and we get on really well as friends. Am I expecting too much, is there something wrong with me?

xxx

Please what ever you do don't throw what ever cash you have into HIS building project.

What LyingWitchInTheWardrobe says.

OP... you're going to get a huge wake-up call. Please have a contingency in place for your boys because they're going to need it. I think you have your head firmly in the clouds and that is going to be to the detriment of all three of you - you and your boys.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Exactly

He hasn't been giving you the £500 he promised to top up your wages.

What are his plans to support you and your boys now you have been made redundant and will not be earning a penny? Presumably you will now need £1000 pm. Is he prepared to give you that?

I think he needs a wake up call about what supporting a family means practically and financially and emotionally for that matter.

I think this whole thing is "a marriage of convenience " on both sides

At no point in your post do you talk about any love for this man or he for you

where did you live before you moved in with him and how did you afford it? You have no financial security and this is what you need to be working on, does exdh contribute?

Hi Cristinayang. I have stated that I love him and that he loves me, there are other posts of mine scattered through the thread. I think he is a wonderful person, I'm just confused at the where we are in our relationship.

okay, it is early days and totally impractical to move out so why haven't you unpacked? He's off shore, so he isn't stopping you.

If you did it would start the feeling that you had moved in, not this "in the process of moving in" feeling you are both giving off. Be proactive, even if things don't work out, what advantages are there to dragging out the moving in, you speed it up.

my partner has recently moved in with me and he pays me, If he moved in and expected me to give him £500, he wouldn't have moved in! As for the house, it is mine and when I die it will go to my son ( It will be willed that my partner can live there until he dies - as my mother did when she married my step-father). So I don't think he has done anything wrong on that account.
However I think it is a worry that he is not following through with what you agreed and you both having very different standards of living. Maybe it wasn't thought through properly by both of you, I know if I received benefits my partner would have not moved in as I would not wish to take a cut in income or expect him to cover any loss, as I see my child as my responsibility and not his.

Are you going to be using your savings to eat now you are redundant? In that case, you will be better off on your own.

OP... you need to put in place something to safeguard your children. You're not doing that at the moment. You are shortly to have no income and you have had your benefits stopped. This man does not consider you a family and isn't providing for you and your children - he isn't even honouring his promise to put money into an account that you can access.

You're being a bit selfish yourself actually - you have children and you should be looking out for them - providing them with a home and what they need. You're counting on this man to provide for them and for you and he isn't - and you're doing nothing about it that I can see.

I read your posts that you're desperate to make it work with this man. He doesn't feel the same way about you. You can't pay your way? He's not going to pay it for you. That's not a partnership and you are not a couple. You say you love him and he loves you... just words. You can afford to be blasé when you are free and single, not when you have children who need you and count on you to provide for them.

It's all well and good to keep saying that you won't leave your children to work even though plenty of people do at their age, very laudable - but you can't afford it. You need to get your benefits reinstated and stand on your own feet with your children. This man could easily step in and provide but HE DOESN'T WANT TO and he isn't.

Take your head out of the clouds and stop romanticising this 'relationship' because it's stopping you from focusing on getting yourself and your boys back to independence.

You would be an absolute fool to gamble your savings into the house that he's building... it won't make him want to care for you or provide for you as a family, you will just have thrown away any financial stability that you had.

You're being very complacent and putting yourself and your children in the hands of somebody else instead of being reliant on yourself. I can understand that it's been tough but, if you don't get a grip on your control and your own future, it's going to get a lot tougher and your children will suffer.

Please OP, wake up to what the reality is, not what you would like it to be. I bet you haven't posted the half of it... :(

Myactionsarenotyours Thu 05-Mar-15 17:03:21

You don't want to leave your dc to work
You can't move because it's a lovely village
There is no convenient public transport
You will soon be redundant
Their df wont support them

So what are you going to do?

^^ just one of the excellent posts on this thread; this in a nutshell, OP. Please be able to answer those questions, if only to yourself. Don't make yourself vulnerable to the whims of any man.

It's not true that she won't leave her kids to work, she just said that she didn't want to work nights.

She's also said she won't help him build his house.

Where, Twinlestein? OP says at 12:09 that she would like to invest and I can't see anything about the house build after that?

OP is prepared to work 7am to 7pm. Those jobs may not be available. Night working might be available. I'm not saying that she should but there are working parents who have to leave their children to work. I suppose it depends whether this is a 'have to' situation or not? I know that there are no family/friends who OP could call on.

Someone on this thread reminds me of K Hopkins!

This link might clarify things for those in a similar situation like myself:

www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone

I'm really sorry about your situation. Its one of the reasons I will never move in with a man unless there is a marriage. I would lose all my in work (ahem..benefits there I've said the dirty word) I believe you when you say you work hard. I actually run a successful business but my employees actually earn more than me!! (Because they can work more hours than me owing to my child care constraints )I need to turnover a hell of a lot more in order to be really independent.
I tell myself that that if I do meet someone truly special who wants to live with us that he would love us enough to support us until the time comes that my earnings will be on a par...which will happen unless something drastic were to happen. We would have to be prepared for maybe that I couldn't work. Discussion. Discussion Discussion.

However. You haven't done anything wrong. You thought you had ironed this out. It doesn't seem to have materialised.
You probably didn't expect to lose your job either.

There is nothing wrong with having a frank discussion (in person) to ask for an evaluation from him on your new arrangement.

It may have been fine in theory for him but the reality is not so fine and dandy.

You are a little luckier than many on these boards in that you do have some finances behind you. Use part of them to get through his time offshore and get your house in order.

I know it would be awful for you to move but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to for the greater good.

I had to move from a beautiful house in a beautiful area. I'm yet to go back to a beautiful house in a beautiful area but I am trying.

He is away now. So unpack. Settle in.

Email him and tell him on a set day when he is next home you and he will sit down and discuss things. Do not let him "not get back to you".

Are there any Graduate jobs within the sector you have your degree in?

Several things here.

(a) Your partner has no idea of what living as a couple or as a family entails. He sounds like a good bloke, so perhaps setting your pride aside when it comes to financial matters is a good idea, because he genuinely does not know about these things. Yes, communication should be better, but getting there will be gradual, and you'll have to persist.

(b) The house is his to do with as he wishes. If he wishes to leave it to his nephews, then you shouldn't contribute any money towards renovating it, etc. But nothing prevents you from turning it into a real home without making a large investment - after all, you are living in it rent-free.

(c) I genuinely fail to see why two 14-year-old boys (they're practically 14) can't be left to sleep on their own. It's a small village, as you say, everything's close by, and they doubtless can contact you on the phone if anything happens. If you leave at 10 in the evening, there's plenty of time to have dinner together, chat, and leave them settled for the night. You don't have to do this immediately, but I don't think it would be a terrible thing to start considering it over the next few months. Teenagers should be given responsibilities, and this one is not such a heavy one.

OP... I imagine it's hugely dependent on how mature the child is. You've already said upthread that your boys wouldn't be ok with it so I suppose that is that. Plenty of people do leave their children at that age and that's also ok if the parent/child is happy with the situation, although I imagine that it would be a matter of necessity rather than anything else. I hope you can find something that fits in with your availability.

If this were me, my plan would be this:

1)Look for suitable work.
2) Live off savings unless OH transfers money
3) Be thankful I don't need to pay rent
4) Have a frank discussion with OH as soon as possible.

Op you said he wants to demolish the house and build anew.
Would a more practical.solution not be to leave that house, rent it out, one day to go to the nephews. Buy a new hpuse between you in which you invest your pot of money and start afresh on a joint venture where it is our house, our family, our money, our life.

That way you both have a stake. You move your stuff in together. Etc. Yet his main asset, original house, is protected as would seem only fair.

From the OP:
I've told him how unhappy I am, that this doesn't feel like home and asked him to think about how we can overcome this and move forward. But he never gets back to me and when asked he just says he doesn't know how he feels or he hasn't thought about it. By his own admission, he is not pro-active and believes things just happen, so I can't see any change afoot.

He can't even do that. He knows she is unhappy and still he does nothing. That's not love, it's not even friendship. He hasn't even honoured his financial commitment to OP. What will he do when OP's job ends and he needs to pick it all up?

So building a new home together? Pie in the sky.