Moved in with OH but different status causing major problems

[dram10dram]

Hi,

I am divorced (8 years) and mum of two twin boys (aged 13.5). We've lived on our own for all of this time. 3.5 years ago I met a local man and we got on very well, he is single (aged 45), never married and no children. I am 46 and life has always been a struggle. During my time living alone I have worked part-time and completed a degree over 6 years, as well as bringing up the boys on my own.

We moved in with my partner last September but there have been major difficulties ever since. He is fairly wealthy (owns his place, and now semi retired, he works off-shore, and has been intending to knock this house down and rebuild another) whilst I have been quite poor. I had to tell him that moving in with him would be financially difficult as I would lose my top up benefits and would only have my child benefit and my wages to survive on. This was all new to him as he has had no idea of parenting, finances and benefits. He said that he would help me and we could open up a joint account; I'd pay my wages in (£450 per month) and he'd put in £500 per month. Well, that hasn't happened. For the first 2 months he never mentioned it, then I was made redundant so I had to prompt him. He's put money into an account but I can't access it as he is now working away again. This is just part of it.

It is very difficult living in a house with two different financial statuses; if we go shopping he may buy something but I can't. He has nice cars, I've had to change mine because I can't afford to run it. He has told me that he intends to leave his property to his nephews, which I fully understand, but I've told him I can't help him build a house as it would be very difficult investing labour and emotion to somewhere that wasn't going to be mine or my children's home. We have no long term say. All of our belongings are still in boxes, we have no pictures up, but he just won't talk about it.

I've told him how unhappy I am, that this doesn't feel like home and asked him to think about how we can overcome this and move forward. But he never gets back to me and when asked he just says he doesn't know how he feels or he hasn't thought about it. By his own admission, he is not pro-active and believes things just happen, so I can't see any change afoot.

On the other hand, he is brilliant with my boys and we get on really well as friends. Am I expecting too much, is there something wrong with me?

xxx

I cannot believe people are seriously suggesting she leave twin 13YOs alone all night. Seriously?!

Thanks for your input everyone.

The house is actually a small holding and the OH loves it here.

As to leaving them alone at night, this is the link I posted earlier:

www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone

I too think it would be a good idea to buy somewhere else together but OH doesn't want to move.

Oh. He either steps up or you have to step away.

I'm neither a div or troll. I'm playing Devil's advocate - a bit.

This is a forum. Its not a 'oh feel sorry for the poster and agree with everything she says' site.

Unless the kids have behaivoural issues, then they ought to be OK being left alone. Christ at 13 I was washing pots at a hotel and walking 10 minutes home at night. They are old enough to stay in after school or sort themselves out after school. Again, I was coming home and making tea at 11. But thats me and the OP is the OP. Look, in 18 months time the social will be expecting you to work full time or get your benefit cut.

WHat I'm struggling with here is a lot of poster are having a go at the OH for not commiting. Yet the OP got married, had 2 kids and then split up. How do you square that with commitment?

From the link:

'The law doesn’t say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it’s an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk.'

'children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time'

I don't see why a few hours at night for a couple of almost 15 yo is a problem?

I see excuses:

'Too rural to get a job'
'Can't leave kids alone'
'EXH not reliable'

You just seem angry that the OP has been a single mum, despite not having a clue about the circumstances.

Are you serious, Here? Being a divorcee doesn't say anything about a person's commitment. Some marriages just don't work. Some are abusive. Sometimes they end in affairs. Lots of people who are divorced make excellent new spouses. It's quite often no reflection of their own commitment.

In the OP she says:

He has told me that he intends to leave his property to his nephews, which I fully understand, but I've told him I can't help him build a house as it would be very difficult investing labour and emotion to somewhere that wasn't going to be mine or my children's home.

I understood her 12.09 post to mean that she wants to invest in the house, she wants to invest in a joint future.

But obviously not if his nephews are the sole beneficiaries...

She also said that he feels if she invests she would be handing him her life savings, which of course she would on current terms; and she said she thinks he means he would be handing her his, and I think she's right.

He's only partially comitting to this relationship - he's not really in itfinancially.

There's no way I'd leave two 13 year olds home alone over night, they'd just get up to snuff.

Agree with lyingthewitch you need to get real. Your boyfriend is definitely not naive, he is a wealthy homeowner and successful businessperson, he knows your situation and will not financially support you or the twins. The Twins will already know the score, their stuff isn't even unpacked!

Presumably the priority is for your twins to stay at their current school until at least GCSEs? Is the school in your rural location?

Have you sought info on housing and benefit prospects if you leave this relationship? If not, why not do this?

Are there really no daytime jobs nearby or somewhere where the twins could bus to or lift share to school? why must it be 7-7, why not 5am-midnight?

If you're set on counting on this man, or there really are no other options for now, keep seeking work and ffs don't spend your savings on his property!

I'm playing Devil's advocate - a bit.

No you're not you're just being a dick.

And an evening job under adult supervision and walking home is not the same as being left unsupervised all night.

I know what I got up to at 13 and it's lucky I had parents around.

here you are being a horrorbag. I don't think everyone agrees with op. You can be blunt without being a horrorbag@

A smallholders, what's that (city dweller here!) animals and stuff? Do you look after the things that need to be done while he's away then?

I think you need to sit down with him and say "I've been made redundant, my income has stopped. What are we going to do?". That's what any committed couple would do. It's what my husband and I had to do when he lost his job. If he won't talk or isn't willing to make some type of financial commitment to you and your sons until you get another job (and you DO need to get another job), then you have your answer. He doesn't need to become your sole support for the rest of your life, but he should be willing to help you make it through this rough patch. And you should be willing to take any job that will have you home at night. I agree that 13 yr olds should not be left home alone overnight.

What he promised before is by the by. Yes, he should absolutely have honoured his promise, but now things need to be renegotiated since you've lost your job.

I live in a rural area. I always worked in town (office hours), from the time my sons were small, which meant I was still at work when they got out of school. Even in a rural area there are options for childcare or after school activities, although IMO at 13 they're old enough to be at home by themselves after school. I usually got home around 5 pm and my sons were working on their homework.

You absolutely should NOT invest one penny of your savings into a home in which you have no interest.

The problem with such a long thread is that some of the information gets missed. I too have always worked, going back into work a week after the boys were born. I have applied for over 70 jobs so far. I quite agree, the boys are certainly old enough to be left alone before and after school, such as with office hours.

We are not married, he has no legal obligations towards us and I am extremely lucky to have somewhere to live whilst I look for work. I've not asked him for help, so I do take on part of the blame.

My main issue is that all of this makes me feel like it isn't a home or an integrated relationship. I do love him and we get on really well otherwise. It is more than a financial issue, that is just a symptom, not the diagnoses.

Life is a learning curve.

OP whose idea was it to move in together, did you both want to, and did you discuss your expectations (from both sides) about what it would mean for the relationship? Emotionally and practically?

Is he emotionally generous? It sounds as if he isn't. So he's not being supportive emotionally or practically (in terms of finances). I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that. If you love someone surely you would want to support them and be a team - that means working out problems (including financial ones) together.

The reason benefits stop when you are living with a partner who has enough income to support both is that it's assumed they will do so. So it's actually a big commitment especially if you were on benefits and you gave them up to move in with him. It sounds like it's not working out and I think you should rethink that decision.

If I were you I would try to stop thinking about all the constraints (can't move out of the area, can't work nights) and start thinking positively about a good scenario for you and your boys. If you lived near their school and/or in a town with good transport links, they could be more independent. If you looked more widely you might find a better paid job using your new qualifications, and it would be worth the upheaval of moving if you had a decent income and could support yourself and your boys.

I think you should move out really, and you probably know this deep down which is why you haven't unpacked.

Your partner clearly doesn't intend to commit to you if he won't support you financially or even respond when you tell him you're unhappy.

DO NOT spend any of your money on his house.

You're right OP this is not an integrated relationship. And it's never going to work as long as it remains thus. This man does not want to commit fully.

So OP, what have you decided to do now you've heard the various thoughts and suggestions?

I'm going to come at this from another angle, and I hope it doesn't appear horribly harsh, but I think your real problem is that you are 46 years old with no discernable source of income. I would honestly address that first, by yourself, not by expecting someone else to pay for you. True, you might walk into a fairytale where a man will provide you with a house to live in and money to spend, but its not very likey/reliable, and I think you are asking too much of a man that you have only been living with since September. He is already providing you and your sons with free accommodation, and presumably heating, lighting, tv, internet, etc..

You have all these excuses why you cannot find work - you must live in a very small, rural village, etc.. And the same excuses as to why you cannot rent your own home. Is it possible that the same attitude has led you to be in this situation at the age of 46? Why did you move out of your (presumably) rented property to move in with this man, when you knew you would lose one of your main sources of income?

I know its not going to be popular, but I would feel embarrassed by expecting a man to pay money into my bank account, and see it as a very temporary measure. I don't think I could cope with a man who didn't work and didn't support himself living free of charge in my house with his two sons.

I think your best solution is to move for work, like millions of other people have to do. Maybe its impossible for you to find full time work and support yourself and rent a property, because you will have too many gaps in your employment record. I don't know. I hope not. But I don't think expecting a man to pay for you is a very good (or reliable) situation. You could be on here in 2 years time saying you have been thrown out and are homeless and waiting on benefits to come through.

Thechandler she could be on here in 2 weeks saying she's homeless and waiting on benefits to come through never mind 2 years.

She does work, she's always worked, but just been made redundant.

I know Twinklestein, but £450 a month? I mean fair enough when married, but with teenage sons, its not the most practical.

I would move for work, but then I've had to do that several times in my life anyway. Its what most people do, isn't it?

chandler you are talking nonsense. Really. Im 42. I run a business which does well but owing to me being the sole earner /carer to my children employees actually earn more than me. Before I had my children I had a very well paying job and a partner. By child number two partner pissed off. Child care swallowed most of my salary so I went part time. I could never go back into my old profession (it barely exists due to advanced technology ) so now I am building myself up again. So stop being so judgey about ops circumstances. (With regards to income )

If you just finished a degree, why are you looking for pub jobs? Was it a vocational degree?

It's anoying that ths situation didn't turn out like the scene in Pretty Woman where he buys all the clothes. But it hasn't. So you have to start from where you are.

Firstly, tell him you've lost your job and have no benefits now, so what will you both do about that? If he keeps paying the bills, you'll have some time to look for work. I don't blame you not wanting to do nights, I wouldn't either with two young kids at home. But isn't there anything else? What are you now qualified to do that you weren't before?

I'd hate to live in the back of beyond, trailing from man to man. I'd probably just sit around moping at the unfairness of life (being a bit dramatic in nature). But what someone I'd ADMIRE would do would be to attack this new situation with both hands: start a business from home; set up a cleaning business during school hours; sell jam; cook in the pub; write a blog about Backwater Life in the evenings and start getting readers/selling ad space... Etc. that'd be the best thing to do. Really make the most of where you are now.

My point was that this is not a committed relationship, at least not on his part. Or at least not as you define a committed relationship (or probably as I would define one). Or maybe it is for him the way he defines one.

If money isn't the issue, then why mention it? Because in a committed relationship (as you define it) money would be shared, at least during times of need. I'm sure if the situation were reversed, you probably would have kept to your bargain to top him up and would now be pro-active to work a solution to his needs during his job hunt together. It isn't legal obligations, it's commitment to a relationship, and a person.

I think you'll either have to accept that his idea of a commitment is not the same as yours and re-adjust your expectations of him (financially and otherwise) and expectations of your relationship or you'll have to move out and look for someone whose ideas more match yours.