Moved in with OH but different status causing major problems

[dram10dram]

Hi,

I am divorced (8 years) and mum of two twin boys (aged 13.5). We've lived on our own for all of this time. 3.5 years ago I met a local man and we got on very well, he is single (aged 45), never married and no children. I am 46 and life has always been a struggle. During my time living alone I have worked part-time and completed a degree over 6 years, as well as bringing up the boys on my own.

We moved in with my partner last September but there have been major difficulties ever since. He is fairly wealthy (owns his place, and now semi retired, he works off-shore, and has been intending to knock this house down and rebuild another) whilst I have been quite poor. I had to tell him that moving in with him would be financially difficult as I would lose my top up benefits and would only have my child benefit and my wages to survive on. This was all new to him as he has had no idea of parenting, finances and benefits. He said that he would help me and we could open up a joint account; I'd pay my wages in (£450 per month) and he'd put in £500 per month. Well, that hasn't happened. For the first 2 months he never mentioned it, then I was made redundant so I had to prompt him. He's put money into an account but I can't access it as he is now working away again. This is just part of it.

It is very difficult living in a house with two different financial statuses; if we go shopping he may buy something but I can't. He has nice cars, I've had to change mine because I can't afford to run it. He has told me that he intends to leave his property to his nephews, which I fully understand, but I've told him I can't help him build a house as it would be very difficult investing labour and emotion to somewhere that wasn't going to be mine or my children's home. We have no long term say. All of our belongings are still in boxes, we have no pictures up, but he just won't talk about it.

I've told him how unhappy I am, that this doesn't feel like home and asked him to think about how we can overcome this and move forward. But he never gets back to me and when asked he just says he doesn't know how he feels or he hasn't thought about it. By his own admission, he is not pro-active and believes things just happen, so I can't see any change afoot.

On the other hand, he is brilliant with my boys and we get on really well as friends. Am I expecting too much, is there something wrong with me?

xxx

It would be a terrible idea to buy a place with him. You cannot afford to contribute
much and you would sink all your money into a house that is essentially still his. He does not see you as being in that sort of partnership. You need to move somewhere with your dc that you can find a job and housing.

OP you came onto this thread with a very real problem. What have you taken away from all the advice thus far that might be useful to you?

You might feel a bit more settled IF YOU UNPACKED!

Several posters have asked why your hav't, and you are not answering. There is nothing stopping you - and sitting around in other people's stuff is guaranteed to not make you feel at home.
Unpack your boxes. Get your pictures and knock knacks out. Sort the boys' rooms so they feel at home. Make yourself at home.

Yes, you need to sort out that last signature on the bank account he has opened for the £500 a month, and ultimately, you need to discuss the longer term. But for now, just unpack and at least give yourself a chance to feel at home, surrounded by your own stuff.

Of course he has no idea what you are banging on about. He's off at work and you are mooning around the house looking at the outside of boxes.

You are at a low ebb with the job, and the move. V stressful. But honestly, just get on with it. If it doesn't work later on, you won't be in any worse place, but hanging around on mumsnet making vague murmurings about not feeling at home is not making any positive attempt to feel otherwise. This is supposed to be a new home, so make it one.

UNPACK!

We moved in together as that is what we both wanted, for quite a while. He wasn't aware of my financial support, why should he be, he has no children. When I told him, he said he would help support me and the boys, I never asked him to and I've never expected him to. He made the offer and that is what made me think that I could afford to live with him. I thought it through long and hard as I knew it mean giving up some form of independence. For what ever reasons, that hasn't worked out according to plan.

My degree is in psychology, this does not give me a professional qualification but does open several doors. I haven't applied for any pub jobs (not sure where that post came from) but jobs in mental health and these often include overnight stays, as I said from 10pm to 8am. I can't yet work those hours because of the boys. As stated in my link above, children under the age of 16 shouldn't be left alone overnight. My boys are 13.5, so not nearly 15.

It's not just a case of moving into a rural area and liking it. I've lived rurally since I was 17, my boys interests are farming and the like, one attends an agricultural school so the move to a city would be set back for them.

As I've said above, I am looking for work, hence my regular troll of the internet, papers etc and applying for at least one per day.

We haven't unpacked for a couple of reasons. When I moved in I thought he was going to build his new house quite soon, so it made sense to remain packed. I now realise that is not going to happen in the immediate future. The bungalow we live in is tiny, there is no space to get our stuff out. This does irk me, and I have told him this. My filing cabinet is a carrier bag behind my laptop. He wants us to hang my pictures together but it just hasn't happened yet. Possibly because I've been too busy looking for work and he getting on with his life.

What have I got out of this forum so far? Some very good positive advice and perspectives, certainly helped me view my situation from the wider point, which is what I wanted. Sadly, there are also those that seem to just want have a go personally, mainly by being selective about what they chose and taking it out of context or manipulating it. Or by making assumptions. Each to there own.

xx

Sorry! Sorry about the pub job thing.. I read "landlords" and immediately thought of pubs.

Where were you living before you moved in there?

And was that place coming to an end anyway, and you had to find somewhere new?

Why move into a tony bungalow with two teenage boys when you already had a home?

You need to have a serious conversation with him and I suspect you're frightened because if he doesn't realise that cohabiting means sharing his finances with you then you have to make a decision to leave.

Meanwhile you're miserable

Have the conversation because you need to do something

Fwiw I think leaving a 13 yr old home alone overnight is ridiculous. My DD would be so distressed.

I don't understand that either. Why did you move into a bungalow? I know he said he was building a house but they don't get thrown up overnight.

What are you going to do... you can't keep your terms living out of boxes in a tiny house. It'll unsettle them.

*teens

The bit about another house being built soon doesn't make sense, it would take a year or two to build and where would you live if it's on the land you are currently on?

It sounds like you all mean well to each other, but aren't at the stage of frank honesty about money which is required to build a relationship together.

Do you keep animals on the smallholding, are you looking after them?

I do think he shouldn't have said he would give you the money - why not just ask him about that.

I think you will have to move out again, this bungalow isn't suitable and you need the benefits.

I think people popping at you for lack of work are being a bit unfair, you don't sound overly restrictive and are applying pretty much a job a day but there's not that much work in some places.

Have a really frank chat when you get back and say you think you will need to move out for financial reasons and start looking around. In some ways you were crazy to move in with him, and lose a house etc. The good thing is you have some money saved for a deposit and can pay some in advance in lieu of a regular income.

If you have a psychology degree are there any school based jobs you could apply for? Could you be a Learning Support assistant or train as a TA? You could even do a PGCE. I belive you can get a grant if you train in a shortage subject like Maths or Science.
Your relationship doesn't sound like one I could tolerate. You have no security either financial or emotional. If he were committed he would be making it obvious. He is 45 and single. Why? Could it be that he has a problem with long term committment? You should not put your savings into anything other than a jointly owned property otherwise you hold fast.

TA's are very poorly paid- I have a friend of a friend who is one and manages on top up benefits too and it is a struggle. I really hope the OP didn't give up social housing for this move...

OP- what is stopping you having this very much needed conversation about money? When is your partner next home? I think you just need to bite the bullet and lay out to him the options which are a) for him to support you further until you get work b) you move out and claim benefits whilst looking for work c) you live off your savings to some extent which is not ideal but let's face it you have no income.

In terms of work, I do think you have had a hard time on here- presumably you were left with twin boys to crack on by yourself, their father should be paying child support at a decent level and if this were paid, you were to get a part-time/full-time job and you used your savings where necessary, I suspect you wouldn't be in this mess. Mums always get left holding the baby (child) and blamed for not doing more- I think you have always worked and brought up your children and that's not that easy without any good emotional or financial support from their father (presuming he either doesn't pay or pays a small amount).

I think you should move out before the ship sinks any further. You sound like you were doing brilliantly by yourself, completing a degree and so on..
Also, I know redundancies happen all the time but it is strange that yours happened 2 months after you moved in with this guy, even though you had had a stable job with them for many years? Do you think this move may have affected your work? I'm just throwing it out there because you have gone from being financially independent to being financially very dependent in a short time! As I say, jump off this sinking ship!

OP... it's very hard to be positive about your situation. Look at what you've posted in your first post? He won't listen. You said that. How can anybody put a positive spin on it? It's not 'having a go' at you to point out and confirm to you that yes, it's a problem. You pointed it out yourself.

Your situation looks precarious. You have two children and your livelihoods are tied up (seemingly) with a man who behaves as if you are all of little no consequence, making zero impact to his lifestyle.

He knows well that you needed his offered money and that was the basis of you all moving in - and he's let you down. What does that tell you?

You say that your boys have SATs this year, I really hope for their sakes that this decision to move in, without the necessary support in place, doesn't hamper them.

I know jobs can be hard to come by in rural areas, but why are you restricting yourself to mental health jobs? A psychology degree by itself is almost worthless in terms of getting a good job. Have you considered using it to enter a profession instead? It would mean more training but would pay off in the long-run. Jobs in counselling, CBT, NLP etc usually have short training periods. Once registered you can also work from home, by setting up own business from home or by offering therapy via webcam.

I think it's worth considering all types of jobs, even if they're poorly paid, as it will prove to your partner you're at least trying to pay your way. When I graduated I spent a couple of years working in care homes on minimum wage, also as a locum HCA for a healthcare agency, as a learning-support mentor in school, as support worker on forensic unit, I even did a cleaning job for a while and worked in a bar. I never worked nights. And I was living in a very rural area at the time. There are always stop-gap jobs for someone with a psych degree, don't be too proud to consider them. Rural areas have no shortage of care homes, schools, clinics, cottage hospitals, and many places let you work 'on the bank' so you choose your own hours each week and can decline nights. They don't always advertise- try ringing up all the local care homes etc and ask if they're taking on new bank staff.

Dear god! This gets even worse.

There are countless threads on here from women whose partners and even husbands cunningly keep at assets in their names while the woman puts in money for decorating and extensions. Or works part-time while he accrues assets.

I feel sorry for the boys having to live in a small bungalow that belongs to a man who isn't willing to support them or their mother. I bet they would prefer a stable home and a single mother. Any upheaval would be worth it for them in the medium-long term.

OP the positives in your situation I would assume are free accommodation, utility bills and council tax paid for. I would budget for food in the meantime, using up as much of your store cupboard as you can.

When he returns, tell him about your redunancy and do a big grocery shop, with your OH, with lots of freezer and store cupboard items and let him pay.
Continue to look for work.

If your OH is this obstructive, has a problem concerning helping financially, when a loved one is in need, then the relationship is not as commited as it could be.

Regarding your own self respect remember bailing you out needn't be forever. If he was made redundant or his work dried up I expect you to would do all you could to help him. He was single before he met you. If he cannot commit he will be single again. Financial and emotional commitment is the trade off against loneliness.

If the bungalow is so tiny I wonder if your boys really are happier there. You say they have room to play football and ride their bikes but as you live in the country that would be true anywhere.

You say he's a good role model but he's the opposite: he's moved you into his house yet remains uninvested in this relationship. He's not willing to integrate finances. And he's not ruled out you contributing to a house that you would have no claim on.

None of this is ok and none of it is a good example to your sons.

Not only that but he is unwilling to discuss your relationship, negotiate or compromise. That's no way to run a relationship either, and it's setting your boys a very bad example.

Actually, thinking about it - why was there a rush to move in at all if the boys are doing their SATs and stability is so important? OP has been dating for 3.5 years. What was the rush? Surely staying put for another year/couple of years might have made a difference to OP's job availability also as the children would have been older.

Hi drams, my father worked off-shore/overseas for 30 years. he told me that a high proportion of his colleagues were loners, divorced or escaping something - personal/social problems. Perhaps, your partner is one of these, someone who works away because they don't want to be continuously available?
I think you sound like a great mother and an ambitious, independent person. Perhaps, this is what he likes in you - someone who won't ask to be carried? He is getting all the benefits of a relationship -part-time- with minimum costs.

Sounds like you fear of losing benefits if you get too involved with him. Which is understandable. A relative of mine has a teen with autism and she refuses to marry her boyfriend or even move in out of fear of losing gov't assistance benefits (u.s.) because she doesn't even know if her boyfriend will support her child nor stick around.