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Original poster

Moved in with OH but different status causing major problems

210 replies

dram10dram · 05/03/2015 10:48

Hi,

I am divorced (8 years) and mum of two twin boys (aged 13.5). We've lived on our own for all of this time. 3.5 years ago I met a local man and we got on very well, he is single (aged 45), never married and no children. I am 46 and life has always been a struggle. During my time living alone I have worked part-time and completed a degree over 6 years, as well as bringing up the boys on my own.

We moved in with my partner last September but there have been major difficulties ever since. He is fairly wealthy (owns his place, and now semi retired, he works off-shore, and has been intending to knock this house down and rebuild another) whilst I have been quite poor. I had to tell him that moving in with him would be financially difficult as I would lose my top up benefits and would only have my child benefit and my wages to survive on. This was all new to him as he has had no idea of parenting, finances and benefits. He said that he would help me and we could open up a joint account; I'd pay my wages in (£450 per month) and he'd put in £500 per month. Well, that hasn't happened. For the first 2 months he never mentioned it, then I was made redundant so I had to prompt him. He's put money into an account but I can't access it as he is now working away again. This is just part of it.

It is very difficult living in a house with two different financial statuses; if we go shopping he may buy something but I can't. He has nice cars, I've had to change mine because I can't afford to run it. He has told me that he intends to leave his property to his nephews, which I fully understand, but I've told him I can't help him build a house as it would be very difficult investing labour and emotion to somewhere that wasn't going to be mine or my children's home. We have no long term say. All of our belongings are still in boxes, we have no pictures up, but he just won't talk about it.

I've told him how unhappy I am, that this doesn't feel like home and asked him to think about how we can overcome this and move forward. But he never gets back to me and when asked he just says he doesn't know how he feels or he hasn't thought about it. By his own admission, he is not pro-active and believes things just happen, so I can't see any change afoot.

On the other hand, he is brilliant with my boys and we get on really well as friends. Am I expecting too much, is there something wrong with me?

xxx

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 05/03/2015 13:27

"I do have a small pot of money and I want to invest into the house that he might build"

Please, whatever you do, don't do this.

capsium · 05/03/2015 13:27

OP I know there is great value put on independence, however in a committed relationship people do depend and rely on each other, financially or otherwise. It is why marriage vows are as they are, why benefits are stopped if you live with a partner who is financially solvent.

Not saying you do not have the ability to be independent should the need arise.

If you offered nothing, at all, not many would stick in a relationship with you. So I don't think you are being needy.

However the situation still stands and it is affecting you detrimentally, financially. How about seeing a financial advisor, jointly? Regarding investments, banking, using both your tax statuses and allowances in the best way possible - whatever you want. They might have some ideas concerning how to give you some financial security.

hereandtherex · 05/03/2015 13:32

No you're not on equal footings.

Would you find a man who worked 20h/week for 400/month and did not have a pot to piss in appealing?

hereandtherex · 05/03/2015 13:33

Can you put a figure to 'small pot'?

capsium · 05/03/2015 13:39

hereandthen somebody's attractiveness is not governed solely by their financial status. What do you do, insist on going through somebody's financial accounts before you embark on a relationship?

That way very rich people would wait a long time to find somebody as rich as they are and poor people would only be allowed a relationship with somebody equally poor.

capsium · 05/03/2015 13:40

hereandthen somebody's attractiveness is not governed solely by their financial status. What do you do, insist on going through somebody's financial accounts before you embark on a relationship?

That way very rich people would wait a long time to find somebody as rich as they are and poor people would only be allowed a relationship with somebody equally poor.

Quitelikely · 05/03/2015 13:45

I can tell you right here and now the problem with this man is that he is greedy, pure and simple.

The fact that you have up your benefit help in order to move in with him and yet he has done nothing about it, is an absolute disgrace.

I'm sorry but although he isn't legally obliged to take financial responsibility for you in a decent relationship it is common sense that he might contribute under these circumstances.

I think you need to send him an email whilst he is offshore detailing the above.

Do not listen to what he says, look at his actions. They will tell you everything you need to know.

I refuse to believe he is naive given his job and the fact he is soon to start building a house.

I'm sorry you gave your house up. Tell him if he cannot honour the agreement you made prior to moving in then you will have to start thinking about moving back out so that you can reinstate your financial help.

isseywithcats · 05/03/2015 13:45

i recently moved in with my OH he earns around 8 times what i earn but before we moved in together we discussed who would pay what i pay for the food and broadband as this leaves me some disposable income from my wages and he pays the other bills and his money after bills is then his

KatelynB · 05/03/2015 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hereandtherex · 05/03/2015 13:49

Having a relationship i.e. casual dating, then its none of my business- at that point in the relationship.

Shacking up with kids then, yes, it is of my concern. Co-habiting without an understanding or full knowledge of someone's income and, esp these days, debts + liabilities is a sure fire way to a disaster.

A fail to see what the poster's OH gets out of this relationship - house sitter for when he's away working?

hereandtherex · 05/03/2015 13:50

No, the OH's does not sound greedy. Frankly, he being very generous.

hereandtherex · 05/03/2015 13:51

FFS he's hardly going out with her for her money!

Fairylea · 05/03/2015 13:54

Hereandthere I think you're being a bit harsh. Relationships are not always about going for someone who has an equal or similar income to your own. It's about finding someone you love and want to spend your life with! Life circumstances mean incomes vary enormously between people, not always due to that persons fault. When I met dh I had a mortgage free home and I had been a very high earner. He was on near minimum wage living with his mum. Years later we are married, own a home together that he is now paying the mortgage on and I am a sahm while he is working for less than I used to but he enjoys work and I don't. Having less money than a partner is nothing to be made to feel ashamed of.

capsium · 05/03/2015 13:54

They had a (verbal) agreement here, the OP's partner has not fully honoured it. Short of marriage there is little financial protection for anyone moving in together.

When I lived with DH before we were married all the houses we bought together were in both out names as joint tenants. We made a will together before marriage too. We got married before we had DC. We have always kept separate bank accounts & transfer money across to each other.

Fairylea · 05/03/2015 13:55

(And before I get told I'm naive, I've been married before and left high and dry financially. I still think if somethings worth doing its worth doing while thinking the best and then dealing with the worst if it happens. The worst may never happen).

Missqwerty · 05/03/2015 14:03

He's financially abusing you. You have lost everything and he's keeping everything to himself. My fiancé moved in and he fully supports me and my two boys, our finances are shared and he sees my children as his own.

My advice would be to get rid! He doesn't want to commit to you all as a family. If a couple live together then they should both be equal.

hereandtherex · 05/03/2015 14:03

Its not open having equal incomes, its about having both having their eyes open and being honest. This is not the case here - for both sides.

Honouring a verbal agreement. jesus.

Look, say the OH was your son - studied had, worked hard over 20 years, saved hard, sorted himself out financially. Would you be happy if a divorced mother of two, earning 400/month moved in with him?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 05/03/2015 14:04

This is not financial abuse.

hereandtherex · 05/03/2015 14:06

Te OP has not lost everything. She's never had anything to start with FFS! The OP is not and does not appear to have supported herself.

He's not financially abusing the OP. He's bailing her out if anything.

capsium · 05/03/2015 14:07

here yes, if she made him happy.

Fairylea · 05/03/2015 14:09

Here, yes I would be happy if it was my son. (Not if he was the ops partner because he isn't being fair financially but in a different financial set up I mean....). Above all else I'd want my son to be happy and if that relationship made him happy that's the most important thing - money and relationship background shouldn't enter into it. If it goes wrong, it goes wrong. Life is incredibly boring and depressing if you live your life waiting for a bus to come and knock you over everyday.

juneau · 05/03/2015 14:11

You two need to sit down and have a serious chat about all this stuff - cards on the table - because despite your previous independence, life experience, and sheer determination (raising your DC single-handed all those years while studying/working is a huge credit to you), you did not do this properly before you moved in together. Given his complete ignorance of family life and financial hardship its not surprising that he seems to have underestimated these issues, but I don't think you were firm enough in laying your cards on the table previously, otherwise he'd be taking this £500 a month shortfall more seriously.

Things are about to reach crisis point. He met an independent woman with two DC who was managing her life and providing a suitable income for herself and her DC. However, you've lost your working benefits, thanks to moving in with him, and are about to lose the income from your job. What on earth are you are going to live on???? This changes the stakes drastically. Unless you can find another job you and your DC are about to be completely financially dependent on this man and he appears to be completely head-in-the-clouds ignorant of this fact. You may need to start dipping into your savings, but FGS don't plough them into his house, if he's going to leave that house to his nephews. Its all you've got!

StockingFullOfCoal · 05/03/2015 14:21

OP- you've single handedly raised twins whilst working part time and doing a degree. WELL DONE

Here: do you live in Disney Land? Your comments are, quite frankly, ridiculous.

peggyundercrackers · 05/03/2015 14:55

agree with cupidstunt - this is absolutely no where near being financial abuse.

OP now you are being made redundant what are you going to live on? what plans have you made to ensure you and your DCs are looked after and can eat etc?

FWIW if this was a woman posting here saying her man had moved in and he wanted her to give him money and part of his property there would be a riot telling her to get rid of him that hes a cocklodger and lazy for not working and... the list would go on and on and on...

FlabbyMummy · 05/03/2015 15:10

Hereandtherex are you missing the point about the OP being better off before she moved in with him? She is worse off/Lost money because she has moved in with him and he hasn't honoured his part of the financial deal.

I don't see that as him bailing him her out tbh.

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