Moved in with OH but different status causing major problems

[dram10dram]

Hi,

I am divorced (8 years) and mum of two twin boys (aged 13.5). We've lived on our own for all of this time. 3.5 years ago I met a local man and we got on very well, he is single (aged 45), never married and no children. I am 46 and life has always been a struggle. During my time living alone I have worked part-time and completed a degree over 6 years, as well as bringing up the boys on my own.

We moved in with my partner last September but there have been major difficulties ever since. He is fairly wealthy (owns his place, and now semi retired, he works off-shore, and has been intending to knock this house down and rebuild another) whilst I have been quite poor. I had to tell him that moving in with him would be financially difficult as I would lose my top up benefits and would only have my child benefit and my wages to survive on. This was all new to him as he has had no idea of parenting, finances and benefits. He said that he would help me and we could open up a joint account; I'd pay my wages in (£450 per month) and he'd put in £500 per month. Well, that hasn't happened. For the first 2 months he never mentioned it, then I was made redundant so I had to prompt him. He's put money into an account but I can't access it as he is now working away again. This is just part of it.

It is very difficult living in a house with two different financial statuses; if we go shopping he may buy something but I can't. He has nice cars, I've had to change mine because I can't afford to run it. He has told me that he intends to leave his property to his nephews, which I fully understand, but I've told him I can't help him build a house as it would be very difficult investing labour and emotion to somewhere that wasn't going to be mine or my children's home. We have no long term say. All of our belongings are still in boxes, we have no pictures up, but he just won't talk about it.

I've told him how unhappy I am, that this doesn't feel like home and asked him to think about how we can overcome this and move forward. But he never gets back to me and when asked he just says he doesn't know how he feels or he hasn't thought about it. By his own admission, he is not pro-active and believes things just happen, so I can't see any change afoot.

On the other hand, he is brilliant with my boys and we get on really well as friends. Am I expecting too much, is there something wrong with me?

xxx

Stocking - Your post makes it sound like the OP is wonder woman.

She's 48, been an adult for 30 years. She's what I'd call a 'Wonder you've been doing for 30 years' Woman.

She split with ex recently. On a 400/month income, the state have been raising her kids.

Hereandtherex the OP has been divorced 8 years and been with her DP for 3.5 years, not sure where you are reading that she "split with ex recently"?

The OP sounds like she was doing fine before but this move means that she is worse off. No bailing out.

If it were the other way round, we would have called him a cocklodger

This is not about differences in status, this is about a man who cannot or is not willing to fully commit to a relationship. Who may not understand what a relationship is.

He's invited you to live in his house, except you and your boys appear to have a kind of lodger status.

Any discussion you try to have about the relationship is met with stonewalling. You're not happy, the house does not feel like home, all your stuff is still in boxes: his response is blank.

If it's not quite financial abuse yet, I think his attitude has significant potential to turn into financial abuse over time.

You have lost out financially by this move, and I can't see the benefits beyond your boys having more room for their bikes.

If he really doesn't understand about parenting, finances, benefits, (how hard are these to understand?) then he is going to struggle enormously in a step-parent role.

You say you get on well as friends, perhaps that's what you are.

I would use your savings to move out and get a place of your own, and perhaps continue the relationship while living separately.

Where does the idea come from that the OP wanted some kind of 'bail out'? She has in fact lost out financially as she has lost her top up benefits.

I highly doubt she was expecting to be made redundant.

I don't know why you moved in with him in the first place. You are financially worse off, you have made yourself & your DCs dependant on him, your belongings are still in boxes & the house you live in doesn't feel like home.

You need to find a way to get your own place again & just continue as friends, because that's all you are really.

Do not invest any of your own money in his house building venture.

Whatever you do, do not spend money on his house!

'Life has always been a struggle' is so self pitying, it sounds like something my Mother would say.

A very off putting quality. Maybe he wants you a toally help yourself a bit?

Look, getting less benefits is not loosing out financially. Its getting less benefits.

I would not expect the tax credit system to be in place for much longer. At best she's only got those benefits til her kids reach 16. Worse case, they might go after May.

The crux is:

Does she stay with OH, who will provide free housing for her but the potential that she will not benefit if her 45 YO OH dies sometime in the future, where future may be next week or 30+ years time.

The OH is not perfect. He's not lighting up the night up but as a 48 YO single mum with 2 teenage kids what do you really expect?

IMHO the OP has a stable housing situation - which is not to be sneezed at these days. She can use that to improve her financial wellbeing. The OP needs to get off her arse and start bringing in a lot more than 400/month.

I don't know that he's being stingy - just that he doesn't understand how tight the OP's finances are/were, because she's never told him in firm, unambiguous language. Her pride has, I think, prevented this.

However, all this stuff about 'different status' is missing the point since she's about to have NO INCOME AT ALL! And I wonder if he realises that her and her DC moving in with him means he's now going to be financially responsible for all three of them. I'm betting he thinks he's asked his financially independent GF to move in and has no idea how precarious her finances are. God knows if this is what he thinks he signed up for. I'm guessing not, since he's never been married and never had kids and the OP hasn't told him the half of it.

Now the boys are 13 you can work nights.

You should qualify for contribution based JSA, at any rate.

You say 'if the genders were reversed you'd be calling cocklodger, ok so male poster: I moved in with my new girlfriend i stressed that I would be 500 per month worse off as a result of my in work benefits and this was worrying me but she said she would top up my income by the 500. But she doesn't....

its that he went back on his word. I read that they HAD discussed finances!

He does know how tight her finances are as she told him, as per the OP.

Redundancy can happen to anyone, it could happen to him in fact. I don't know if they've discussed what happens if either loses their job, they're going to have to discuss it now. She will be entitled to Jobseekers in the interim.

I don't think your DP is interested in a full on relationship with you and your children, as a family. He's regarding you as a separate entity who happens to live in with him.

Financially, he's wealthy, you're not. But you've had to remind him to pay his share into a joint account. You buy things as separate entities: so if he wants something, he buys it, you want something, you go without. That would be ok if you were in a casual relationship: it's no way to run a family.

You've told him you're not happy. He's not too bothered.

I would start to reclaim your status as a completely independent woman. Please don't, on any account, put money into a property he might build on the basis that it's for your future. He is showing you very clearly how he sees you and your future together. Your belongings are still in boxes. He won't talk about it.

hereandtherex

Not sure if you're a troll or a div...

"If it were the other way round, we would have called him a cocklodger" No we wouldn't because a cocklodger is a man who doesn't contribute anything (or very little) towards the household and is in a better position because of it. That includes all the unpaid labour e.g. childcare, housework etc. the Op is contributing what she can financially (and is in fact worse off for doing so). She is also contributing fully to the domestic work required.

Do people really not understand the power differentials at play here and how the OP is more vulnerable and worse off because of them?

Thanks again for the various inputs. I'm not here to justify my situation, or myself for that matter, but just to clarify a few things:

I'm 46 (not 48), I've lived on my own with my boys for over 8 years (not newly split with ex), I've always worked, life has been a struggle as we lived in a tied cottage when the ex had an affair and handed his notice in leaving us homeless amongst other very difficult issues. The logistics and practicalities of being a single working and studying parent have been hard, particularly for my boys. I have no debts, I'm not looking for a bail out, I think my OH is doing a brilliant job with my boys and providing his home for us. I am proud and I have found it difficult moving in, I've told OH that I feel like a gold-digger talking about finances but he knows me well enough to know that I am the exact opposite of that. Whilst some people may be happy to work overnight with 13 year kids at home alone, I'm not. There is no legal age to be left alone, but I don't consider my boys emotionally secure enough to have to fend for themselves.

What I've really appreciated from this conversation is seeing other's perspectives. I can't see the wood for the trees so it is great to get a bigger picture.

Thank you.

xx

twinkle I was thinking the same thing.

You don't want to leave your dc to work
You can't move because it's a lovely village
There is no convenient public transport
You will soon be redundant
Their df wont support them

So what are you going to do?

I think that the state system of tax credits/benefits means that you really have to get these things sorted out before you move in together. I know you discussed it but it seems he has gone back on his word. I was in the same sort of situation, mostly dependent on benefits as a single mum, when I moved in with DH. I lost income support, tax credits, child benefit, everything. We combined out finances immediately, and because we got married before we moved in, I was in a secure position. But the state doesn't recognise the difference between cohabiting and marriage, at least where tax credits are concerned - you have lost out on them now because they expect your OH to be supporting the household.

DH is a high earner with no dc like the OP's DP, whose assets went entirely into the mortgage, but he was still able to understand the level of commitment he'd made to us as a family. My name is on the house deeds and we have joint wills which leave the house to DS (DH's stepson). After 3.5 years and living together, you really should be seeing yourselves as a family, with your dcs as a joint responsibility. I would not be happy to be living with a man who wasn't prepared to take on that responsibility.

OP you need to get a grip. Your boys are 13.5 not babies, you don't need a termtime job and I suspect the benefits office will have the same opinion. Unless you get a cast iron guarantee (preferably a legally binding one) that dp will support you, you need to get down to the job centre. At 13 it matters far more that the dcs have a decent standard of living than a mum who's home by 3.

Sorry OP, he doesn't sound naïve or a lovely person at all. He sounds quite calculating. Even if he's never married, had children or shared his life with anybody before, somebody whom he loves would be at the forefront of his mind, he would MAKE IT HAPPEN. Their stuff would be unpacked, he would have set up a joint account or transferred money in at the very start, the other person wouldn't have needed to even ask.

He's not thick or clueless, he just doesn't want to. He's told you not to count on being permanent in his life or being any kind of valid partner - he's leaving all to his nephew. Fine and dandy but don't think of yourself as his partner because it's really clouding your judgement. In no way is he your 'OH'. He's an 'OH SHIT' if anything, leaving you on tenterhooks like this.

You don't want to face that and I can understand that. It's a difficult thing to see up front and personal but that is your reality - and that of your boys. They're relying on you to make the right decisions for them. The fact that they've been brought up in the village isn't really an issue because if push comes to shove and you are made to move out at some point, you may need to leave the village and the boys go to other schools. You cannot count on this man, I don't know how much clearer he needs to be with you.

Discount him and his input and see what options you have with regard to getting your benefits back and finding somewhere to live. That's key. The boys will need to adapt - and they will. They were fine before you met him and they'll be fine when he's no longer in the picture.

For your sake and theirs, do not pin your hopes on this selfish man. He DOES know which way is up, he's just not investing in you as a couple, so it's obvious that you are NOT a couple. You'd be a whole heap better off on your own again - and so would your boys.

Can I just point out that I've not said anywhere during the conversation that I am not willing to work, or work only school hours. I have only said that I won't work nights, that is from 10pm to 8am. The OH works off-shore, hence away for 4-6 weeks at a time, I'm not prepared to leave the boys overnight on their own. Any other time from 7am to 7pm, I'm fine with that!