Seeing my almost-NC parents at the weekend, and having a bit of a meltdown.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I'm just looking for someone to say Yes, been there, done that and it was ok.

I haven't seen them in about fifteen months, we are meeting at a relatives, so it's safe, and I will drive so I can leave if I need to, but I'm just very very anxious about it.

It'll be ok won't it?

Why have you not had contact for 15 months?

We speak on the one once a month or so, but I haven't seen them in that amount of time. They live 300 miles away, so I always say im too busy to drive that far for a day and can't take time off work.

There is historic sexual abuse which no one really knows about, and my mum has MS meaning I was her carry from 7 or so. We aren't close because I have always had the parent/lover role.

You are meeting in a safe place & you have worked out your escape route (so to speak), so although it may not be great try not to get too anxious about it.

I have not been in this situation but am happy to handhold if you need some support

Thanks. I've been talking about it in therapy today, so I think it's made me suddenly realise that it's actually going to happen (seeing them) rather than being something that will happen somewhen in the future, if that makes sense.

I remember your earlier thread. I too haven't been in this situation, but it looks like you've thought your escape plan through. Hopefully this will give you an element of control.

Hope it goes as well as it can, and that you get something positive from it.

Thanks for the kind words. In four days it will be over, so not long. I just didn't think I would feel like this about it!

Historical sexual abuse? One of your parents was the sexual abuser?

If so I don't think its a good idea to see them tbh

What is the whole purpose of this meeting at all?. What do you hope to gain from it?.

Who arranged this meeting at all and is said relative only being used by them as a winged monkey (them meddling and arranging contact with you on their behalf)?. Do not go to this meeting at all.

You may feel powerless but you still have a choice; you can still choose not to see them.

You have not seen them in 15 months for damn good reason!!. Doing this will only put you back even further, perhaps now years.

Your father abused you sexually as a child and has previously come out with highly sexualised comments about you as well. He should be in prison. Your mother stays with him for her own reasons of self interest.

I think us knowing why you are meeting will help with advice. If it is just a case of a smiley gathering, the suggestions will differ if it is actually a meeting to try and clear the air

Smiley... I meant family

Haven't read your prev thread. Was one parent the abuser? I personally would choose to remain nc if that was the case. Just for self preservation. for you op. Do whats best for you.

According to what Attila said, you owe them absolutely nothing. If you father had shown remorse, sought help, handed himself in then possibly you could begin the process of building some kind of contact.. if you felt it beneficial. Again, it's all about what's best for you at this time.

It's just a general family gathering. They wanted me to go and stay in the summer/Christmas/January etc and I've been putting it off. We're meeting now as there is a new baby in the family and there has been a run of birthdays recently.

I agreed to go, but didn't initiate it. I'm generally quite worn down with their asking and telling me how they wish they could see me more, that I just agreed to see them with other family there.

Even more reason not to attend to my mind; attending family gatherings is a free choice. You however, have been strong-armed and worn down into going. You can see other family members if you wish without having to see these two dysfunctional people. Other family members may well be over invested and may not step up to protect you from these two evil people.

You feel extremely obligated to your mother but she really threw you to the sharks and acted in her sole interests by making you her confidant and carer from a young age. You've been conditioned by these two and the damaging effects of all that abuse are still very much present now and that too thrives on secrecy.

What has your therapist said about you attending this gathering?.

I think going would be a grave error on your part; it just opens you up to being in their firing line yet again. There is no good reason to attend.

You really do owe these people absolutely nothing.

The therapist hasn't said "I don't think you should go" whereas in the past she has said variations on this. She and I identified ways I can stay safe, and put plans in place for speaking whilst I'm there and I have arranged to do things I enjoy on the Sunday.

I've recently changed my name, away from family ones and to something I like instead. Someone told my parents that I had a different name on fb, but I haven't explained why (and have ignored the contact they have tried to have about it. I'm expecting this to turn into a Big Deal whilst I am there, so I'm sort of expecting to have that conversation and leave.

^as above^ OP, you need to break free. Any contact based on the current family dynamics is going to be damaging.

The therapist hasn't said "I don't think you should go" whereas in the past she has said variations on this. She and I identified ways I can stay safe, and put plans in place for speaking whilst I'm there and I have arranged to do things I enjoy on the Sunday.

Those measures are simply not enough, nowhere near enough. The way you protect yourself here is by not going at all.

I wish this therapist of yours had said you should not attend; where did you find this person anyway?. Is this person is a member of a recognised counselling body?.

Is this therapist at all versed in dealing with adult abuse survivors?.

Identifying ways of staying safe is all very well and good but being in the same room as your stepfather and mother with them spouting on is another matter entirely. You feel unable to confront them at all and you've been guilted into going. What plans have really been put in place here, what happens if they start on you?. What if other family members close ranks?.

If nothing else I hope I have made you think about the complete fallacy of walking into this situation.

"Someone told my parents that I had a different name on fb, but I haven't explained why (and have ignored the contact they have tried to have about it. I'm expecting this to turn into a Big Deal whilst I am there, so I'm sort of expecting to have that conversation and leave".

They will not let you get off that lightly. This is all going to go very badly.

I would also take umbrage at the person who deigned to tell your parents about you having a different name on FB. What does it matter what name you use?. It was never their concern and that person also acted in their own self interest rather than yours.

Sorry, I wrote a message but it has shown up. I basically said that I've blocked their numbers, changed my email, blocked other people in the family from Facebook (although I think they were told by one of my old school friends who lives nearby them, asking if I had got married).

My therapist is a registered, integrative psychotherapist, and I've seen her for nearly four years. So she is very used to me and my relationship with them, especially when visiting.

can i just ask again, is one of your parents a person who abused you.

Yes, my step father.

well from your op i would be having a meltdown too, i would not go.

hard to comment without knowing if the abuse has been addressed or if your mother knows, all that and more.

I would keep my life and contact with the rest of the family, seeing new baby etc... totally separate. I wouldn't be there.

No one in the family knows about it. He has a reputation for making remarks (last year it was pussy related - do you wash your pussy etc) but that's it.

My mother has MS and has done for 30 years. She is entirely reliant on him for everything, although I was her carer as a child/teenager. She needs him, and so I have always kept it from her.

What are you going to gain from this meeting?

I just want to you to know that you don't have to go, even if that means waking up on the morning and deciding, even if that means getting 5 minutes away and turning around and going home.

Even if that means walking in, seeing them and walking straight out again without saying a word.

I just want you to know that you are in charge, and it's your choice whether you see them or not.

You don't owe them (or anyone else there) anything.