Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing my almost-NC parents at the weekend, and having a bit of a meltdown.

230 replies

CaulkheadUpNorth · 04/03/2015 21:46

I'm just looking for someone to say Yes, been there, done that and it was ok.

I haven't seen them in about fifteen months, we are meeting at a relatives, so it's safe, and I will drive so I can leave if I need to, but I'm just very very anxious about it.

It'll be ok won't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 15:20

Thank you everyone for responding.

Although I always focus on the abuse, there is a whole load of stuff with mum, where she would expect me to miss school to look after from from about 8yr old, expect me to comfort her when she was upset etc. all a bit shit really.

I'm now thinking a lot about not going, which I hadn't really before this thread.

OP posts:
PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 05/03/2015 15:28

So she was emotionally dependent on you then, and it sounds like you are still mentally sort of ready to take on that role when you're around her. I do understand, truly I do; it's hard to not respond like you've been trained to.

We're not trying to scare you off going, more to draw your attention to the reasons why you are choosing to do so and to also emphasise that there is a choice to not go. Whatever decision you make is of course up to you - you know yourself best.

cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 15:46

Caulkhead

Have you come across FOG before? I think you might benefit from reading this thread and the references contained in the first post.

(Oh - and I wouldn't go. Simply that. You have no need to and I think it could end badly for you.)

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 15:50

Thanks, I post there sometimes, although I haven't for a while.

I've found myself here wanting to defend them, which always makes me want to stop and think and remember that I can agree with you saying that they are a bit shit.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 15:56

That's probably a good thing about posting here then - it's enabled you to think and talk about things rather than just automatically go. (You're knee-jerking a little I think because your sky won't fall if you don't turn up. (And I doubt theirs would either - but that's a matter for them and not for you?))

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 16:00

I am the much sought after child, perfect daughter who can do know wrong (one brother in prison, one has never worked) but that is partly because I've never told them when things went wrong (ever, even primary spelling yests) because I thought it would upset them.

So the idea of not going, and ceasing contact seems like it is such a big deal because they act like it matters so much.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 16:03

That's OK - just feel free to splurge.

All of your posts sound frightened though to my ears.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 05/03/2015 16:05

Caulk, they make it a big deal and you've been trained to think that her/their opinion matters more than your own, because there is and always has been pressure on you to be the 'good' one. Therefore, the idea of deliberately not prioritising them makes you feel dreadfully guilty.

The truth is, no external jury IN POSSESSION OF THE FACTS would agree with them. Whether you mean to or not, you're helping your mum and her partner to perpetuate a world in which you must please them. What's in that for you?

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 05/03/2015 16:05

Caulk, they make it a big deal and you've been trained to think that her/their opinion matters more than your own, because there is and always has been pressure on you to be the 'good' one. Therefore, the idea of deliberately not prioritising them makes you feel dreadfully guilty.

The truth is, no external jury IN POSSESSION OF THE FACTS would agree with them. Whether you mean to or not, you're helping your mum and her partner to perpetuate a world in which you must please them. What's in that for you?

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 16:12

Blush I am frightened.

Nothing really in it for me. They did give me money for my car so I can drive and see them (but haven't) but that's it.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 16:20

What do you see as the long term future for this 'relationship' ? (Because going would likely simply prolong - possibly impair - your own recovery.) If you're going to let go of them (and I think you need to from the sound of them) then why not now, stomach churning though it might be for you.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 16:30

I want to cease contact with them. I can imagine doing that this weekend, because of the issue of the name change. However I can only see the end of the day being me walking out and driving off, I can't imagine the conversation.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 05/03/2015 16:40

It sounds a bit like you want to go & them have 'words' with you over the name change so you have an excuse to be NC with them, rather than have to carry on being evasive?

RabbitsarenotHares · 05/03/2015 16:42

At this function at the weekend, will you be forced to spend much time with them, or can you make sure you're mainly with other people?

I only ask because I'm almost NC with my sister, and the last time I saw her was at friends' anniversary party. Luckily they know the situation and in the table plan had put me on a table as far away from her as possible. That meant that I only had to spend a few minutes with her at the beginning, and could then avoid for the rest of the party.

(Unfortunately I had to go and meet my mother at my sister's house afterwards, but I'd left bags with a friend and took a long time over collecting them, and making my way across the city (with a vital stop-off for coffee en route!).)

Considering the year before I'd walked past my sister in the street and, despite her not noticing me I had a panic attack, I thought the party had gone really well. But I was lucky to be protected by people in the know.

Shelby2010 · 05/03/2015 16:42

Sorry I didn't mean that to sound like you needed any more excuse to be NC, more that you were looking for a reason that they & your other relatives would believe without you having to bring up the abuse.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 05/03/2015 16:54

Well, why put yourself through it if you can imagine (and dread) the outcome?

Don't worry that everyone will think you're dreadful. They will think, if they know you, that you must have had a reason that they're not aware of. That's how most intelligent people think.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 16:55

It's just me, parents and aunt and uncle, with the possibility of cousins coming round - sort of spending the day together at my aunts house. I see my parents there so that I have a shorter journey - going to my parents home involves a ferry and it takes too long for a day.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 17:15

Why do you think your therapist - who presumably knows all the background to this - has changed her advice to you?

Hissy · 05/03/2015 17:22

Who does the baby belong to that you are going to see? make arrangements to see them apart from everyone else.

you don't need to (and IMVHO shouldn't) put yourself in this situation.

Hissy · 05/03/2015 17:22

Who does the baby belong to that you are going to see? make arrangements to see them apart from everyone else.

you don't need to (and IMVHO shouldn't) put yourself in this situation.

Hissy · 05/03/2015 17:22

sorry

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 17:22

Usually I would say to her " I don't want to go, I don't know if I should go, what should i do" whereas this time I have said "I'm going on Saturday, I'm driving to I can leave, I'm seeing friends on the next day so I can look forward to that".

So I think it's that I haven't asked her, I've just told her, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 17:24

It's my cousins baby. I'm not close to them, so I'm not fussed about seeing them or not. It's just easier if others are there as it takes the spotlight off me.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 17:24

Think about it some more?

flessan · 05/03/2015 17:28

Caulk
Do you want to go so that you can confront them? Are you almost hoping for there to be a big row, for them to be unreasonable in front of other people, so that you can legitimately tell them that you are not going to see them anymore, thereby getting your goal of going completely NC with them without it being your fault? So you don't have to feel guilty?