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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing my almost-NC parents at the weekend, and having a bit of a meltdown.

230 replies

CaulkheadUpNorth · 04/03/2015 21:46

I'm just looking for someone to say Yes, been there, done that and it was ok.

I haven't seen them in about fifteen months, we are meeting at a relatives, so it's safe, and I will drive so I can leave if I need to, but I'm just very very anxious about it.

It'll be ok won't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 09/03/2015 20:46

I'm trying currently to think that all of today, I'm not speaking to them. Then tomorrow I can do all of tomorrow and that sort of thing.

OP posts:
PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 09/03/2015 20:57

It is like bereavement, Caulk. I went to see a therapist 3 weeks after my mum died, because I felt like I was balancing precariously on a sea of feelings and trying not to drown. She was amazed to hear when my mother had actually died, because she said it sounded like I had been grieving for a very very long time.

My mother was not great at being a parent to younger DC and.... well, I'd pretty much resigned myself to not really having the sort of mum you see vaunted in fiction and the media. She was the child in our relationship, and not a very nice child at times. So I'd got used to the fact that I'd never have a 'mum' mum, but it clearly took a psychological toll. I'd never realised that my response was essentially mourning, but it was.

Be kind to yourself.

Aussiebean · 09/03/2015 23:19

The fact that you are worried about upsetting them shows you are nothing like them.

I doubt they have ever spent a minute of your life worried about whether or not their actions are upsetting you.

Time to look after yourself.

cozietoesie · 09/03/2015 23:33

True, Aussiebean.

Remember your earlier posts Caulk? (I'm not going to quote their content.)

Ask yourself - if you heard the doorbell going and tweaked back the curtain to see them on the path, would you feel warm and happy or ....sick?

If the latter, they should simply have no part in your life.

Take care.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 11/03/2015 18:12

Firstly, thank you everyone for your support and kind words.
I've just reviewed post from my aunt - my dads sister. I haven't opened it, and I don't really want to, but is that the right thing to do? I haven't said to her that I won't be in contact with her, but I don't really want to open it incase. Does that make sense?

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PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 11/03/2015 18:23

Is she the aunt you were meant to be visiting last week? Is there anyone else you can ask to read it first, to scan it for 'but they love you' sort of appeals?

A middle course is to text or ring her, making sure to say 'I got a letter from you but haven't read it yet. I just wanted to check if it has anything to do with mum/dad, as I don't want to discuss them. I'll happily talk about anything or anyone else though'.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 11/03/2015 18:34

I love the idea of contacting her. I haven't got a number though.

It is the aunt who we would have been visiting, and she is my mums best friend, so it's most likely it'll be of the "you've done a terrible thing" type.
No one home atm but I may get someone to read it later. I have a job interview tomorrow so maybe I'll wait a couple of days!

OP posts:
Meerka · 11/03/2015 19:15

That sounds a very good idea! (to wait I mean). and yes, do get someone else to read it first. This aunt may be a nice person but she has no way of understanding the background and therefore her understanding of the situation will be way off, even if she is emotionally more neutral.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 11/03/2015 19:17

Oh for God's sake wait in that case!!

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 11/03/2015 19:20

My current plan (having calmed down a bit now) is to take it with me to the therapist on Friday. That will stop me from worrying about who to ask to help before then, and it might get to Friday and I've totally decided not to open it at all.

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GoodtoBetter · 11/03/2015 21:03

That's a great idea Caulk. You're doing great, honestly.

xxx

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 11/03/2015 21:04

I read the letter from my aunt. I know how stupid that was but I did it anyway. She is saying to contact her, that they all love me, and that I mught regret it, and to think how I would feel if it was the other way round.

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PeppermintCrayon · 11/03/2015 21:31

And who's thinking about how YOU feel?

You didn't decide to go NC on a whim. You have good reason. You aren't stupid but you do need to protect yourself when it comes to post - anything unidentified is opened by my DH at my request.

Your aunt is trying to tell a story that doesn't have you in it - only them and their feelings. It's not okay and you don't have to respond.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 11/03/2015 21:33

Thank you for your wisdom. I did think that the "me" that they know would put everyone else first (to my detriment).

I appreciate that she is trying to be really nice, but I can now see that it is so that they don't get hurt by me.

OP posts:
Meerka · 11/03/2015 22:38

If you're tempted to write back, I am not sure anythign positive will come out of contacting her yet, caulk. But in the near - middle future perhaps something might.

It's so hard to cut off one's family and it takes a bit of time to ride the waves. Most people want a loving family and the idea of someone being there who will understand and take your part has the pull of the most powerful magnet in the world.

But you need time to adjust to the new status quo and she will not, cannot possibly understand where you are comign from because she does not have the facts.

In your shoes I would be tempted ina few days to write a handwritten note back thanking her for her letter. Explaining that it was an extremely hard decision and it hurts very much but that there are facts she is not in possession of. That it's clear from her letter that she wants you and your mum and stepfather to be back in contact but that again, there are reasons that you made this decision that she is not aware of. That you cannot be in contact with them at this time and that you do not wish to be pushed towards contact when it can only be destructive. That you don't wish to and cannot discuss this any more, that you did not take this step lightly (perhaps it appears that way but it isn't the case) and that you have to protect yourself. That you do wish her well and hope for the best for her.

A note like that leaves things open for the middle - distant future and at the same time makes it very clear that you are not open to discuss it.

Best of luck tomorrow!

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 11/03/2015 23:14

Meerka's 4th paragraph is spot-on. I would add that you request she doesn't contact you about this again, as unfortunately you will not feel able to reply.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 12/03/2015 07:23

Thank you.

I'm trying to stay emotionally detached from it this morning, but I have read what you've said and it really helps.

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Meerka · 12/03/2015 07:57

Good luck today.

I rather suspect the decision to value your own needs will have subtly shifted how you approach people and subtly, your decisiveness and strength will come over in teh interview. fingers crossed for you =)

Meerka · 12/03/2015 08:08

just re-read that and it sounds a bit strange. gah. hope you know what I mean ...

GoodtoBetter · 12/03/2015 09:04

Baby steps, Caulk it can be a bit overwhelming at first, but you're doing the right thing and you're doing great.
Sending you strong, calm vibes today.
xx

cozietoesie · 12/03/2015 09:28

From reading your description of it, that's actually a surprisingly low-key letter from your Aunt given that she's your Mum's 'best friend'. I wonder whether the rest of the family are quite as unaware of the situation as you thought?

Other posters have given good advice though - and it might be useful to discuss with your therapist today as you suggested. You're doing great, Caulk.

Good luck later on.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 12/03/2015 11:37

I didn't get the job, but never mind. I'm ok about it. I'm avoiding going home by having a late brunch. I'm going to put off contacting her until the weekend maybe.

I say she is my mums best friend, but my mum isn't her best friend,if that makes sense. My mum has very little friends and so will have talked to my aunt a lot about it I imagine.

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cozietoesie · 12/03/2015 11:55

Sorry you didn't get the job - there will be another one coming round the corner where you and it will 'fit' better, I'm sure.

....she is my mums best friend, but my mum isn't her best friend,if that makes sense....

Yes - that makes perfect sense.

I think that if I were you, I'd remember though that families can be surprisingly perceptive so it's not impossible (as I more or less said once) that she has more insight into your general situation than you thought. Sometimes they don't appear to be doing anything (which may or may not be the right thing/wrong thing) but it doesn't necessarily mean that they can't see other people more clearly than you think.

I think you're right to still not contact her quickly though.

Do you see your therapist this afternoon/evening?

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 12/03/2015 13:15

Tomorrow (Monday and Friday) so I can think it over with her.

I'm so pleased to have got home today and not had any post, and to still feel as ok about it as I do.

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Meerka · 12/03/2015 13:35

glad to hear you're feeling ok =)