Seeing my almost-NC parents at the weekend, and having a bit of a meltdown.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I'm just looking for someone to say Yes, been there, done that and it was ok.

I haven't seen them in about fifteen months, we are meeting at a relatives, so it's safe, and I will drive so I can leave if I need to, but I'm just very very anxious about it.

It'll be ok won't it?

Phew! I believe you are right to trust yourself and your own feelings.

You don't have to speak to them, or see them, or read their emails, or take their calls.
They are horrid people and you don't have to explain yourself to them.

I hope your therapist will help to strengthen your resolve

Thanks.
I've spent all of today thinking "I can do this, I can not go and then that will be the end of feeling like I should go". I can't imagine ringing them, but hopefully I can email them.

I think writing it all down is a good idea.
You can then still decide whether you want to actually send it as an email (or snail mail) but putting it in words will help make things clear in your own mind.

I am so sorry this happened to you, it happened to me too. I have been nc with my parents for 6 years, i gave them no reason they do not deserve one, but in my case my mother knows what my father did and it is not healthy for me to be around them in my opinion and a relief when i finally cut contact. You should do whatever it takes to heal and thats the most important thing.

Good old Google has helped me with some things to say in an email.

I feel so sure that I am doing the right thing, but then I panic and hearing that other people have been here and That helps.

Email. Sent.

{{massive hugs}}

So bloody well done, Caulk

How do you feel?

Good for you! Do you feel better for it?

Well done. Now don't waste your time second-guessing what they are going to think. It doesn't matter.

I would actually block their email, so you cannot read their response (because I don't believe any reply from them is actually going to make things better)

Well done.

Have you made plans for what you're going to do tomorrow instead? (Gloriously self-indulgent, I hope.)

blocking sounds a good idea. Or setting up a separate folder for their mails. Read them when you are ready. Even better, is there anyone who could buffer for you ... ie read them first and filter them?

Caulkhead I know this isn't the point of your OP but I think you really should tell your mum about this. I'm sorry, this is sticking my oar in to something you've not asked us to.

But, MS or not (which I have btw), if you continue to keep this from your mum, she'll think your nc is her fault. She'll be wondering what she did wrong.

I mean, maybe it was her fault. Maybe you're really angry with her too.

But, do you think maybe she deserves the chance to understand? Understand her daughter. Understand what's gone wrong all these years. To make her own choice about whether or not she needs your step father no matter what. Perhaps you don't think she deserves that chance, which is fair enough.

Plus, perhaps it's time you transfer this problem on to someone else.

xxxxxx

The only email worth reading from them would be a totally whole-hearted and sincere apology for everything they have ever done to you. You are not going to get that. Therefore, best not to read any of their crap. It will only upset you. You've said your piece. You don't want any arguments or contact with them, so you can cut them out now.

Well done.

Now for the love of cabbages, find something else to focus on so you don't drive yourself mad!

I'd be tempted to drive myself to somewhere remote (i.e. with no data connectivity or phone signal) tomorrow and spend the visit time there.

They only have my old email, which is on my kindle but not my phone so I won't pick up an email unless I look on there.

Tonight I'm helping a housemate with some sticking-labels-on-stuff for her work and drinking wine. Tomorrow I'm going to Bath I think.

I would like mum to know, but I don't want her to feel she has to chose between me and him. I talked about that with the therapist and we agreed that rhat was something she and I wanted to talk about a bit more before I talked to mum.

This is only a staging post on a long journey after all.

Have a good time in Bath.

PS - and if you are close by, pop into the Abbey and view some of the memorial plaques. They're very fine and very moving.

I will. I love Bath, and it's so different to where I live up here, so really somewhere to enjoy. Plus it has the Best Bookshop Ever which I can enjoy!

it does? which one's that?!

Mr Bs Emporium of Books. It's behind house of Fraser. It AMAZING. I will drive them from birmingham. just to wander round and eat cake. The staff will suggest books you will like based on what you already read.

thanks for that hint, next time i can get there we'll certainly.

if you ever visit the NE, pay Barter Books in Alnwick a visit. It's wonderful.

sorry, distractoin there!

I've reviewed two emails from them, but am ignoring them. That's ok isn't it?

Mild panic I didn't have earlier. I only checked because I was worried they hadn't received it.

yes its ok to ignore them. You don't have to open or answer them at all if you don't want to. If you do actively choose to open them, do it in a time of your own choosing. But as I say you don't have to open them at all. the power IS in -your- hands.

Do you have anyone at all you can talk to about this irl, who could vet the mails for you?