Seeing my almost-NC parents at the weekend, and having a bit of a meltdown.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I'm just looking for someone to say Yes, been there, done that and it was ok.

I haven't seen them in about fifteen months, we are meeting at a relatives, so it's safe, and I will drive so I can leave if I need to, but I'm just very very anxious about it.

It'll be ok won't it?

Does it? That's helpful generally to know!

The parents will have bought their ferry tickets by now so I can't change the date.

But what your parents do is irrelevant. You can go another time, or not. Let them be, live your life.

They can't do anything to you anymore, you're a grown adult and can choose what you do and don't do.

You don't have to do this.

I'm currently sitting in the Not Going camp, but I think I want to talk to the therapist tomorrow about how I contact them and what I say, just because it feels like a big decision to make and I want her support with it.

Is there any way this could go that would make you feel ok? Sorry Op, that question I asked wasn't very clear.

I actually meant: Is there any way this whole situation could go that would make you feel ok? Including you telling them you're not coming. Or you never seeing them again. Anything that would give you a good outcome? Because with the 'going' camp, you seem to be saying that if you go, however that pans out you will end up feeling bad. How about if you don't go? Would there be a way to do that and end up feeling ok? Or cutting contact entirely and telling them why, would that give you an outcome that would feel ok?

Fb name change is because you are tightening your on line security. A very smart thing to do in this day and age so hackers find it harder to get personal Info. Teachers do it all the time so students can't find them. It is just fb. It's not official. If it is official they aren't going to know.

Second thing is you alternator on your car is gone. You went and got in your car for the drive up when it wouldn't start.

One if your neighbours looked at it for you and it turns out the alternator is faulty and has bled your battery dry. So even If you put in a new battery, it won't last long.

So you need a new alternator, and it is Saturday and can't get one til Monday at the earliest. That's if you an actually get in to the garage. So you are very sorry, had all the intentions of being there, but you can't make it.

Plus alternators are quiet expensive so will take a while for you to save up so won't have a car for a while.

Will that story make it easier for you not to go?

You had the intention. Was going to go but then the car died.

Cutting contact and telling them why would be the best, as then I don't think I would feel the weight I do now. I would feel sad, (or something) but I would know that it was over too.

Try writing "I'm not going" on a bit of paper, and put it under your pillow. If you sleep well, that's your answer.

Decide tonight not to go, see therapist, then get the wording for the phonecall\text whatever fine tuned on here.

It feels like a big decision because it is one. It is big and it is good. You will be deciding that your welfare and happiness is worth more to you than placating them or not making them angry/disappointed etc. In order to do this you will have to be taking a stand and saying 'enough! I'm not going to let myself be subjected to this toxic nonsense ever again' And that is a big and very positive step to take for yourself, and frightening to do. I'm sure between you and your therapist you'll be able to find out how best to do this, in a way you can handle, and which gives you your desired outcome. Best of luck

I agree with don't go. Putting yourself in the Not Going camp...You feel some relief? Yes? That is an indication it is the right answer, imho.

On guilt: you are setting boundaries for yourself because of their behavior.
(People set boundaries for themselves based on others' behavior all the time and not due to horrid behavior-just an off comment can justify it...And I don't think guilt enters into it in those circumstances at all, iyswim.) I think that you are making yourself feel guilty. You don't have to. Just stop it.

None of this was your fault. As previously said, you do not owe them anything. Nothing. Nada. Null set. Zero. Zip.
Check again: nope, still don't. And there is no guilt to attach to that.

15 months not seeing them is fantastic!! Congratulations! Imho, going will be a huge step backward. The anxiety you feel is a negative (as opposed to looking forward to an event with pleasant anticipation) and I think that is the gut feeling/guardian angels/subconscious guiding you to decline the event.

You do not sound like an idiot at all. It is hard to disengage, disentangle yourself from things engrained in childhood (brainwashing, if you'll forgive me).
I doubt an announcement of your position and boundaries will be respected by them. It will just be another opportunity for them, your step father especially, to be dismissive, disrespectful, and ridicule you...in the moment and for many years to come. Do not hand them that ammunition.

Let the hostess know you won't be there so she/he will not cook extra. You do not need to give a reason. "It is just not possible at this time" is a generic statement and if folks are rude enough to press beyond that then that is their problem and you do not need to answer...(It's complicated, and you just don't want to talk about it).

It's been an hour, and I still don't want to go, and feeling ok about that (and relief) so it's feeling more possible.

That's better - to feel OK about things. The last thing you would need is to hope that your situation will be resolved otherwise than by you eg by mortality. (As people often do.) You need to do something for your self I think.

You don't want to go.

Trust that feeling.

You don't have to go. You. Don't. Have. To. Go.

I know this is going to sound ridiculous, especially given all the support I've had here, but do you think if I ring the samaritians they will talk to me about it, or will I just be wasting their time?

I've had an email from my dad saying various different stuff and I don't know how else to calm down enough about it all!

Ring them, you won't be wasting their time, that is what they're there for.

I hope you're ok OP

Yes ring them.

You have no need to be fearful.THEY are the ones that are fearful.

I know what the fear feels like. I went nc with family because they refuse to acknowledge the peodophile in the family is harmful. I refuse to see their side of things.

Child abuse and all rape is black and white. It's simply wrong and it's a shame you can't have a frank discussion with your mother. It's their crying shame she did not protect you.

You can protect yourself.

Don't go.

Please please talk if you need to.

Heck No - call them. (He sent you a personal email? Sheeezz.)

Sorry - I meant No - you won't be wasting their time.

I would go. Contact is going to happen at some point I would much rather it were in a planned safe situation than a surprise or somewhere on. Their terms.

Why should contact be 'going to happen at some point' Need? It's not an inevitability as far as I can see.

It maybe time to block emails and phones. That way you won't have to read their crap. Esp if it hurts more.

If you are unsure how, tell us the phone and email system (eg iPhone and Gmail) and I am sure a tech savvy mumsnet yet will be able to take you through it.

Thanks for all the support. I rung the samaritians, who were jus reassuring that it's normal to feel this way, which was lovely, and then fell asleep, so that was ok.

I'll see the therapist today, and I'm going to write out what I want to say to them, like as an email, so I can show that to her too.

I'm glad you managed to sleep

Yes - getting some sleep is a good thing.

Hope your meeting with the therapist is constructive.

Thanks.

I'm really hopeful about it all, that maybe just not seeing them is possible and the right thing to do, and I feel much more relief at the idea of doing that than seeing them!