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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing my almost-NC parents at the weekend, and having a bit of a meltdown.

230 replies

CaulkheadUpNorth · 04/03/2015 21:46

I'm just looking for someone to say Yes, been there, done that and it was ok.

I haven't seen them in about fifteen months, we are meeting at a relatives, so it's safe, and I will drive so I can leave if I need to, but I'm just very very anxious about it.

It'll be ok won't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 12:13

Thanks for all the kind words. I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from seeing them- I just feel that I've put off seeing them for so long that I should go, and that I ought to go.

OP posts:
Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 05/03/2015 12:30

You say 'it'll be ok won't it?'. The answer is probably not, so why put yourself through something so painful? You don't need the therapist's permission to say no, I don't want to see my family because I just can't face it. Allow yourself to continue being no contact rather than seeing how things go at the weekend. Parents or not, they treated you badly and you owe them nothing no matter how much they try to bully you into going. Let someone know that you won't be there (whoever is the least awful among them!)

Could you plan to do something really nice at the time you are due to go instead and keep your phone switched off?

shovetheholly · 05/03/2015 12:33

I think it's important that you're going for the right reasons, OP. If it's through a sense of guilt/obligation, then please remember that it's a choice and you really, really don't have to. If you think it would help you progress to the next stage in your own journey/therapy, however, then I am sure there are people here who can help.

It's your choice.

When I first saw my parents after a time of NC, it was very difficult. It still is awkward at times. However, it was helped by the fact that my family tend to brush things under the carpet and not discuss them, so I knew I probably wouldn't have to deal with the issues head-on.

Personally, I have been in that place - but I can only talk about what was true for me (we are all different). I found the move from NC to reconciliation helped me to let go of a lot of anger and move on with my own life - it actually made me more independent of the situation, not less because I was able to look at my parents and genuinely say 'I love you, but I don't really care what you think of me or what you did any more. I am me, and I have a right to be here'. I can't tell you how many years it took me just to feel like I had a right to the piece of ground I tread on.

But I think this is a different journey for everyone and it can only happen when you are ready to choose that path. Independence and all it entails (releasing yourself from those expectations of a perfect family, accepting that what happened happened, moving on from it to a place of strength) can feel like a very isolated and lonely choice at times (the anger actually felt less so), but the peace that it has brought has been worth it for me.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 12:34

I would really like to do that. Just not go,do something nice instead. Then I remind myself that I've haven't seen them in ages, I can just give them this one day, that sort of thing.

They wanted me to stay at Christmas and I said no, and the same for staying in jan and feb for a few days. So this is a sort of compromise.

OP posts:
ninetynineonehundred · 05/03/2015 12:40

caulk whether you go or not you will be fine. You are so much stronger than you know and they cannot hurt you any more.

If you go because you feel obligation that's ok. You have worked out some ways to keep safe.
Once you've been, go back to nc if you need to.
You don't have to go and you will survive that too even if there is some fallout.

This is about what you need most, and if that is to go then it is one day only. You have survived worse and will get through this.
Good luck

shovetheholly · 05/03/2015 12:40

If you don't want to go, OP, you really REALLY don't have to.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 05/03/2015 12:42

Caulkhead, you don't owe them anything. The fact that they want to see you does not mean that you have to agree to see them. Your wishes on the subject matter.

If part of the reason you're going is because you kind of miss them, that would be understandable too. It's surprising what/who we miss sometimes. Just so long as there is something in this for you rather than just for them.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 05/03/2015 12:43

If you would prefer to do something nice instead, then just do it. The longer you don't see them the less guilt and obligation you will feel. Instead of feeling you can just give them a day, why not think of it as why waste a day on people you don't want to see? Why put yourself through the pain of seeing them and possibly increasing your anxiety levels? Put yourself first.

youarekiddingme · 05/03/2015 12:44

Ive followed some of your previous threads. More a lurker as I've not felt I've any useful advice or knowledge to impar. Flowers

However, your words "I feel I ought to go" feels like you feel you owe them a visit? Remember, you're not the young girl being abused anymore and are no longer your mums carer.

These are your parents - they owed you a secure supportive childhood - you didn't get it.

You owe them nothing.

Do something you want to do this weekend instead.

Miggsie · 05/03/2015 12:46

You should not go.
You should stop even thinking about ever seeing them again.

HellKitty · 05/03/2015 12:59

Don't go. Please.
Can I ask if you've ever thought about contacting the police?

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 13:01

Sorry to disappear - dodgy Internet!

I feel that if I don't see them then I'll just lie and say I'm ill, and I'll be in the same position at some point in the future, whereas at least if I go now, whilst things are ok for me (mh wise) I might end up having conversations with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 13:03

I spoke to the police once about it, we had a conversation in a corridor, and they gave me a "you're telling us this....and?" type response that put me off saying it again. He is the cater for my mum, and so I don't want anything to happen where I have to have that role instead. Blush

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 05/03/2015 13:29

I should go, and that I ought to go. Yes, but do you want to go? Your therapist's job is to help you work out what is best for you.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 13:39

She would say that it isn't healthy to go, and that the things I have done, like blocking their number, is healthy.
But I still have to manage the other 200+ hours in the week when I'm not with her but I'm getting calls and from them, feeling like Worst Daughter Ever etc.

(I haven't blocked their land line, although I don't answer when they ring.)

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/03/2015 13:42

You really don't owe them anything.

HellKitty · 05/03/2015 13:45

Ok. The police in our case of historical abuse were amazing and the man got jailed. Not once did they dismiss anything said. But I kind of understand (don't want to) the situation about caring for your mother. But please DO NOT GO. You've done amazingly so far this will set you back. Don't hand your power over to them again.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 13:49

I reported a rape to the police last year and they have been amazing, so it could be the change in area, as I've moved. I know he wouldn't do it to anyone else, I would immediately speak to the police if I thought he would.

If I don't go, I don't know how to say that without just crying off ill.

I've also just returned some stuff to Amazon I had bought for her for Mother's Day to try and make myself look like a better daughter. Blush

OP posts:
frankblackswife · 05/03/2015 13:49

Caulk, I have been in a similar situation and I broke contact - it's now been over 25 years. And do you know what I feel NO guilt, don't get me wrong it took a while to get to that stage but I remember the day I made the decision vividly -I felt free, I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders.
You're maybe not at that place yet but don't be afraid to put yourself first.
You owe them nothing, you do not need to go.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 13:54

The guilt is the main thing I am worried about feeling. I feel guilty now, so I can't imagine feeling more guilty.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 05/03/2015 14:00

You really dont have to go. You dont have to or need to do that to yourself.
It will be traumatic, You already know how its going to go, and you already know youre going to need to escape. You do not need to punish yourself. You dont need to visit them. It is a harmful thing to do to yourself

Branleuse · 05/03/2015 14:01

in reality, you need to find a way of going properly NC. Its the only way youre going to start to heal

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 05/03/2015 14:08

Caulkhead you do realise that even if you reinserted yourself into her life and became the most dutiful daughter ever, it probably wouldn't be enough for her, right? And that's leaving aside the whole messy question of her partner.

I think that if I were you, I'd be tempted to have a conversation with the intermediary relative about how no, you can't come, because of previous incidents with your mum's partner and also the fact that you find her very hard to be around. Be relatively honest so that they don't just think you've gone a bit mad. Then, don't go.

Leave your mum who you don't want to be around anyway to be taken care of by her partner, who you also don't want to be around. Sounds like a winner to me.

FantasticButtocks · 05/03/2015 14:13

They don't deserve a 'better daughter' though. Why do you think they do?

Your therapist thinks this visit isn't a healthy thing to do to yourself. But you are going to do it anyway, so that you don't have to keep making excuses and dealing with their questions. I understand this. The problem with this sort of NC by evasion and stealth, rather than by directly saying to them 'I don't want to see you because of xyz', is that things are not clear, so they will keep asking, and you will keep having the same problem.

I know this because I have managed something like this with my M for about 15 years, without ever actually saying I don't want to be in contact. I thought I had it all sorted and that she understood the 'message', without wanting to go into the ins and outs, as she would then have to hear stuff about herself which would be hard to hear.

I thought we had an understanding, she wouldn't push because she wouldn't want to know, and I wouldn't want to tell her. Therefore thought the polite once in a while emails were the best way to have a relationship, a nice distant one. Really thought I had it sorted. WRONG! Even fifteen years on, she has come out of the blue and 'got' me! She has rottweillered me by email. Suddenly asking why etc. and complaining about my not inviting her to various events over the years. I wrote a polite, evasive reply (which seemed the kindest thing to us both) and got a barrage of nastiness in return. A friend said to me it was because I haven't actually closed off the avenue. And I still haven't. Sad

How you are feeling about it, tells you a lot about whether you should actually go. You could always decide not to.

springydaffs · 05/03/2015 15:11

a polite, evasive email would not be kind if my kids did this to me, especially 15 years on (wtf?!), it would be torture. My GP was 'polite and evasive' this morning when he called to inform me of some dodgy blood test results. Torture. He was polite and evasive for his benefit, not mine.

Anyway, it's not your mum you have issue with OP, it's the scum she's married to. yy he's her carer but I would hope (?) she would rather have agency carers than this piece of shit looking after her.

I appreciate it's difficult when your mum is so poorly... but the same applies: that you are putting everyone else's peace of mind before yours. You don't want to her upset her - but what about YOU? What about YOU being upset? As for the lowlife, who gives af what he thinks of it, with his pussy jokes

This is not your dirty secret you know, it's his. You were an are entirely innocent.