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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing my almost-NC parents at the weekend, and having a bit of a meltdown.

230 replies

CaulkheadUpNorth · 04/03/2015 21:46

I'm just looking for someone to say Yes, been there, done that and it was ok.

I haven't seen them in about fifteen months, we are meeting at a relatives, so it's safe, and I will drive so I can leave if I need to, but I'm just very very anxious about it.

It'll be ok won't it?

OP posts:
WorriedUser · 05/03/2015 17:33

I am stupid enough to think this will make a difference but please don't go. I've not posted on here for a long time but have lurked for a few days. Only your post made me log on and reply. Please please please don't go. You don't want too and are being bullied into it. Your step father is a disgusting bullying abuser and is still abusing you. Break away for your own good. For good. Good luck.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 17:40

Thank you for your messages.

I'm hoping that there won't be an argument. However I'm not sure how to cease contact without having a conversation with them, and I imagine if I don't go I'll just say I'm ill and then be in the same situation in a few months time.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 17:42

How would you be telling them if you don't go?

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 17:47

I can ring and say I'm ill, or ring and say I don't want to and rhat it's because I'm not comfortable being there due to some stuff that happened with the dad when I was younger and leave it at that? I think I want to talk about that with the therapist tomorrow unless I can come up with a brilliant plan tonight.

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/03/2015 17:53

Just don't go. Send a card, a gift and invite them to come and see you sometime

Leave it at that

PacificDogwood · 05/03/2015 17:54

Caulk Thanks

I think this is one of those situations in which you either find yourself able to go and leave unscathed if you feel resilient enough to take some of their dysfunctional shit Hmm, or you simply don't go.
No excuses, v little in the way of explanation.
Could you ring the host and tell them that you won't be able to some?
"I won't be able to make it on Saturday after all."
If they ask why, just say "something's come up".

It does of course mean that you are very likely to find yourself in the same situation again in a few months.

Yes, do talk to your therapist again. Maybe ask her what she feels has changed that she did not advise you against going?

Hissy · 05/03/2015 17:55

You don't have to explain a thing, sorry, going to have to cancel my trip.

Here's a little something etc all the Best etc

Keep it simple

PacificDogwood · 05/03/2015 17:55

flessan makes some very good points IMO.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2015 18:16

I would still urge you not to attend this family gathering as I think it will not go at all well for you. It could come to pass that even being in the same room will be too much and you will not be able to say anything at all even remotely argumentative or controversial to them; they will shut you down.

I also doubt that you will be in much state to drive afterwards even though you will because they will leave you so very upset. It is not like in films where the person says their piece then drives away. Apart from anything else they are not interested in what you have to say; their version is the only one they care to believe and your parents are not worthy of the term.

You are very deep in FOG with regards to your mother in particular; they both trained you well to serve them and put your own needs and wants last. She did throw you to the sharks when she met this man and put her own needs well above yours; she also actively encouraged you from a young age to miss school so that you could look after her.

I would keep any message short and to the point along the lines that Hissy has suggested. You do not want to attend, besides which you are also not close to this cousin you mention.

I also think that flessan makes some good points.

troyandabedintheafternoon · 05/03/2015 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabULouse · 05/03/2015 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 18:32

Sorry, have been partying up at Asda, will read what has been said.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/03/2015 18:32

I'm actually concerned about Caulk driving there and not just driving back. Driving slowly between the lay-bys about describes the likelihood if she goes.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 18:35

I've done the drive a lot, but I've only ever got the train when I thought there might be a chance I'd be upset. However this time the journey will be over double the time due to the landslide at Banbury and I can't face such a long day!

OP posts:
Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 18:38

If I don't go, I think I need to say why that may be easier over the phone, I don't know.

I am reading and thinking what everyone is saying, even if I'm coming across as just being an idiot!

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 05/03/2015 18:44

Listen, you lovely lady. You owe your parents SOD ALL! Nil. Nada. And I really do fear that if you visit, then it's the thin end of the wedge. They'll have got a toe in the door that is your life, and they'll push and push and push, because you'll have set a precedent.

Yes, I've been in your shoes. Two ghastly parents and I went no contact in the years leading to their deaths (in their 80s), though I did support my mother financially in the various very nice nursing homes she was in - (and invariably got thrown out of, because of her narcissistic behaviour, including lying - and asking ME to lie to get the devoted staff into trouble. I saw her about three times during her last few months - and felt absolutely nothing. But I'm doubtless a lot harder hearted than you (and older).

Please don't go. Use a 'tactical illness' if you must, but I'd be tempted to just say 'No, I'm not visiting'. And don't visit, ever. You will have absolutely NO cause to feel guilty. They're the pair who ought to feel guilty.

WorriedUser · 05/03/2015 18:45

I wonder if they are using the cover of others being there to make out everything is fine and to carry on their abuse.

oldgrandmama · 05/03/2015 18:46

Just seen your post before mine. You are NOT coming across as being an idiot. Far from it. You sound caring and lovely - so please, don't let your awful parents put you through stress and sadness once again.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 18:59

We meet with the other people as it's easier for me to get there than get the ferry etc. Also, my mum can't do anything like cooking so I think it's mean to be less stressful for her if we meet with others.

I can waver between agreeing, and thinking yes, I never want to see them again, and I can do that....to.... I don't want to see them but I'm scared so it's easier to just carry on how things are.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 05/03/2015 19:27

What are you scared of? (I completely understand btw) it's just that it might help you to pinpoint your exact fear. Then try and think what's the worst that could happen. and how bad would that be?

It isn't really the therapist's job to tell you you're doing the wrong thing. You are an adult who made a decision and she helped you to see how that could work, what strategies you could out in place. I'm sure if you decide not to go and to cut contact etc she will help you decide how best to do that too. What way works best for you and gives you the outcome you want.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2015 19:29

What are you so scared of?. Perhaps if you relay your fears here further that could be a small but significant step into actually overcoming that fear. I can certainly see why you have been fearful; they made you so.

Carrying on your part of this overall dysfunctional dynamic is no option at all for you if you do want to go forward with your life. I do think that you will only get a sense of real peace if you were to go no contact with them. You also do not have to confront them in order to do that.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 19:32

I'm scared that they will tell me I'm a disappointment/not good enough, that sort of thing.

I'm slightly scared that he will make comments to me or some kind of touch.

I'm also scared it will go totally well and then I feel bad for making a big deal beforehand.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 05/03/2015 19:34

So you are scared that whichever way it goes, you will end up feeling bad?

Is there any way this could go that would make you feel ok?

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 05/03/2015 19:37

I don't think so. I've done things like chose clothes to wear I like, will arrive when I like, that sort of thing. That's it though

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/03/2015 19:38

Banbury line reopens in 13th March, dunno if that helps you any?

Either way lovey, you're not in any condition to go through with this trip, seriously.

Make an excuse and call it off.

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