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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/03/2015 00:06

Was he "helping" you over the years when you were crying due to his treatment of you

You have to detach. The crocodile tears are a big control act. Expect the threats of suicide next.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:09

No of course he wasn't. But apparently he didn't understand then. But now with the help of his counsellor and numerous self help books, he's a new man. Allegedly.

OP posts:
RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 04/03/2015 00:13

So instead of taking the time to improve his behaviour, show you how he can be everything you need he is manipulating you and playing the lost little boy card?

How is this behaviour different to the old stuff? I'm guessing it still leaves you feeling upset, vulnerable and confused? Honestly I would say you need to detach, he is never going to change. Detach emotionally then use the distance to plan your route, safely, to having him out of your life.

Btw, it is highly unlikely his counsellor says that, I assume he's telling you that because the counsellor certainly shouldn't be. (I.e. It's another line he's feeding you to manipulate you)

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:16

I am pretty detached emotionally, but I will admit the crying gets to me. it doesn't make me miss him or want him back but I don't want him to be this sad and pathetic. I want him to be ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:20

He doesn't like the basic truth to it, which is it doesn't matter how much he changes, the issue is I can't forgive him for the past. Treating me like I was stupid for 20 years because it made him feel better. Lying to me about wanting another baby to keep me. Waking me in the night for sex by shoving his fingers inside me (when I was horrendously sleep deprived from said baby!). Having sex once without my consent. Refusing for 4 years to have a vasectomy in case he "wanted children with his second wife". The unattainable high standards he set me. The letting me down whenever I needed him (hospital, exams, etc). Those are just a few things that I'm supposed to suck up and forgive him for because he's sorry now.

OP posts:
queenofthepirates · 04/03/2015 00:25

After enough abuse, you stop loving the person and that's presumably what's happened here. Give it to him straight-it's over. Then shut the door and go non contact.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2015 00:26

I think when you are feeling vulnerable or sorry for him, all you need do is read your post above.

He doesn't deserve your pity, sympathy, or help. HE must be the one to make himself 'OK'. You need to concentrate on making yourself happy.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:27

Yes it is.
Hard to go NC with children. He still comes most days to see them.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 04/03/2015 00:27

"Having sex once without my consent"

That's rape.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:28

Acrossthepond- I am happy. For the first tone for years. But I know people look at him skinny and sad and see me, and assume I'm the one at fault. It shouldn't matter but it does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:30

Yes I know what it is. I just find it hard to type the word. He keeps crying about that too since the counsellor told him what it actually was. I find myself comforting him for his upset. Nobody comforted me when it happened.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 04/03/2015 00:34

No reason for him to see children every day. It won't help them understand that their living situation has changed, and he is doing it to continue to manipulate and control you.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:41

I know there isn't. I'm trying to be reasonable about all of this. I know seeing the children makes him feel better and tbh they don't mind either way. But I feel on eggshells until he goes.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 04/03/2015 00:50

Him seeing the DC every day makes him feel better (allegedly - but he's still wasting away and weeping? Confused ) but makes you feel worse, and the DC aren't bothered either way. Hmm. Sounds like it's time for a more conventional contact arrangement which reduces the contact with you, i.e. once or twice a week where he picks up and drops off - could you even arrange it so he picks up from & takes to school on his night, cutting down the number of times you have to see him?

NickiFury · 04/03/2015 01:00

Don't comfort him tell him to fuck right off! Angry

It's always the same. For years and years they don't listen and only when it's real and you've moved on do they profess to "get it" now. You don't get to enjoy your new found freedom from abuse though, oh no! Now you've got to listen to their snivelling and pledges to change and feel a massive load of guilt because even though they made you fall out of love with them, they're just so devastated now Hmm. Cry me a river.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2015 01:31

Toast I think you are in a habit of dancing around him and trying to please him. I was the same way with my abusive XH. It was just the way my brain functioned because if HE was 'happy' he wasn't raking me over the emotional coals or abusing me. Even after we split when he would try to contact me (no DC, thank God) rather than just hanging up on him, my mindset was to try to soothe and calm him. I didn't really understand that I was still doing it to subconsciously prevent myself from being abused. That it was a misguided attempt at self preservation, even though he now lived miles away and was no longer a threat to me.

I haven't seen your previous threads so this may not apply, but have you thought about some short term counseling to help you feel more assertive & detached around him?

however · 04/03/2015 04:34

Perhaps you should attend a counselling session with him in order to tell his counsellor that the marriage is irretrievable and for you, there is no going back. Ever.

That way, the counsellor can help him move on.

Squeegle · 04/03/2015 04:56

He has been self centred and focused on his needs for years, and he still is.
Where is his concern for you and the DCs?

Agree re detachment and/or assertiveness training for you. If he has truly changed, then now is his opportunity to show you how caring he can be. Not for a display of self indulgent oh pity me wailing!

differentnameforthis · 04/03/2015 05:04

I find myself comforting him for his upset

Which makes you a wonderful person, but you need to stop. By comforting him, for the upset that he caused himself by abusing you, overshadows the upset he caused you.

He is now becoming the victim, please stop enabling this, otherwise you will let him back in!

Nolim · 04/03/2015 05:55

Do you have your own therapist op?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 06:03

I did go to one session of his counselling with him, much against my better judgement. I thought the counsellor understood, but he obviously didn't.

I do feel horrendously guilty that I can't forgive. I like to think of myself as a forgiving person but I just can't. I was so sad for so long and now I finally have a chance to be happy.

My final tipping point that made me instigate the split was when in a rage he threatened suicide, in front of the DC. And then refused to see that was a awful thing to have done. He swears he would never do something like that again but I don't trust him. My DC are damaged from all they have heard and witnessed, but have blossomed in the month. The house is happy and calm, I can parent them like I always wanted to. I can put them first, not him.

I don't have a counsellor yet. If he would just stop being so upset I would be absolutely fine. i want to be allowed to be happy.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 04/03/2015 06:25

Yes, you're right that is an awful thing to say in front of them.

You sound like you are on the right track- they have to come first- and for that you have to be psychologically healthy. His emotions are his business not yours. Just like it's up to you to look after your own sanity. Of course his sadness makes you sad- you're a kind person. But he owns it not you.

Good luck. Maybe time to consult a solicitor if you haven't done so, to understand how you can proceed re his access.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2015 06:31

and that's just it...he won't allow you to be happy and move on (all part of the abuse)

you will have to wrench yourself away all by yourself

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 06:41

I am sure if the situation was reversed I would be pleased in a way he was happy. It might take me a while but if I truly loved somebody I would feel bad for treating them that way and work on myself. And not cry!

He resents the heck out of me having so many friends who are there for me. I've had flowers and gifts bought for me, friends pop round, take me for lunch or coffee. I have a ton of people to lean on. He has nobody. But that isn't my fault! Something else I feel guilty for though.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 04/03/2015 06:57

Firstly. Be prepared for this to turn back to nastiness when he realises you aren't going to relent.
My ex was the same but he had cheated and simply couldn't imagine why I wouldn't take him
back, "like other wives do" Hmm
Secondly if u want to make it easier on him try to have as little contact as possible.
Can u get a family member to manage having over the chikdren for a bit.
Lastly, don't underestimate how abusers can behave when they finally lose control of they victims.