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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 04/03/2015 09:03

FFS, Toast - you are NOT the one being controlling!!
Of COURSE you don't want him in your home rootling through your stuff and doing unspeakable things to your underwear - that's obvious and sane!

You cannot allow him to be in your home with your DC by himself, I honestly wouldn't trust him to behave in any right or sane way. Do you have to go away or has he offered it to you? If he's offered it, change your mind - it's a ploy, I guarantee it.

As for the being unable to get there any earlier than bed times, that has to stop too. He's doing it deliberately to fuck your evening up precisely so he CAN say you're failing. And then hanging around to fuck up your down time as well!

PLease please PLEASE stop facilitating his ongoing abuse of you and the DC - you HAVE to see it for what it is and stop going along with it!
You are allowing him to engineer your life still.

ConfusedInBath · 04/03/2015 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 09:17

I must admit I don't see why once a week he can't leave work early to pick up the DC. That would be better for them.

I have tried to be kind to him. Mutual friends have been told it was a joint decision and we didn't get along anymore. Not the true details. I've been respectful to him about that. Yes he is still paying the bills etc but I write a list of what I spend so he can see I'm not living on lobster and champagne!

It's the subtle touching that I don't like. After I told the counsellor about the sex without consent (and he cried and needed comforting) he didn't go near me. But now he's back to hugging me. Little strokes of my arm, back, bum. And I don't like it. It unnerves me.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 04/03/2015 09:18

So many of your posts are about what he wants:
he wants to see the children every day
he doesn't want you to sell the house
he needs comforting

I know it's new to you, but for god's sake put yourself first! Now, and forevermore.

You don't want to have him in your face every day: so you get a contact arrangement in place for him to see the DC on set days and times, and stick to it.
You know that bedtime is not a good time for a visit, so when he has his (less often than daily) contact with the DC, it is at a more suitable time for you and DC.
You want to sell the house: so you get the divorce rolling.
You want him to stop using you to mop up his tears: so you cut him off if he starts any conversation which isn't about practical arrangements regarding the children or the divorce.

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/03/2015 09:22

I'll be blunt toast he's grooming you if you were under 18 ide report him myself. Lists for spends? Really fuck me love your house is your prison and he has you locked up just as much as if he was living there, you've never escaped him.

Get a solicitor and go for a none harassment or none mol he's dangerous, you need to get help both mentally and legally.

Jux · 04/03/2015 09:22

Toast, please please put a stop to this nonsense. Call Women's Aid and get advice from them.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 09:24

I've spoken to WA. Really I'm fine with all of this. Just not his behaviour!

And the book for spends. He hasn't asked for that. But I've had years of justifying my spending and I won't give him a way of getting at me.

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 04/03/2015 09:25

Please don't let him into your home again. The touching - well don't be near enough to him to do it, but if he does manage it tell him to get off you. And giving him a list of what you spend - sod that! Have you claimed all the benefits you are entitled to in your own name yet? If not do so now. And please stop him coming over. Tell him now. And mean it. And don't lie to your friends either - tell them the truth. They will support you.

ConfusedInBath · 04/03/2015 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime · 04/03/2015 09:30

" But I've had years of justifying my spending and I won't give him a way of getting at me."

He doesn't need to say or do anything most of the time - you are so well trained that you are doing it yourself.

Just like Pavlov's dogs didn't need the smell of food, just the bell made them salivate.
You just have to think he "might get at you" and you obey his wishes.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 09:33

"I've been respectful to him about that."

It's clear you are a nice, kind person and you are keen to do the right thing. However, you're not dealing with someone normal. He will take any little allowances and kindnesses that you send his way and he will exploit them until he gets his own way. It's how he's conducted the whole of your relationship so far and it how he intends to carry on. A means to an end.

It's not respectful to cover up what he's done to you. It's a form of collusion. It's making him look like a reasonable person when he really isn't. He'll be telling anyone who listens a big fat sob story that he doesn't know why it ended, you were so good together..... and if you're not careful, you'll end up looking like the crazy woman that unreasonably dumped this perfectly lovely, caring, family bloke. Hmm So do confide in someone something approaching the truth.

And do get him out of your home.

GoatsDoRoam · 04/03/2015 09:34

Stop being kind to him. You are a kind person. He is a manipulative person. He therefore uses your kindness against you.

You don't need to stop being a kind person, as that is who you are. But you do need to stop being kind to manipulators. They see kindness as weakness and exploit it. Nice normal people don't exploit it - shower your abundant kindness on those people. Not him.

If you don't want him touching you, he doesn't touch you. You can step backwards, and say "Don't touch me, I don't like it." You don't need to keep accepting him overstepping your boundaries. Really, you don't.

paddlenorapaddle · 04/03/2015 09:47

I'm sorry this has happened to you but it sounds like he is still abusing you all this Subtle touching, its still the same sexual abuse he has been doing to you over the years

Please call womens aid you need support to help you get this man out of your life.

You have been incredibly brave but you are still conditioned to keep him happy and he's manipulating you playing you like a fiddle.

20 years in a month it can't be undone overnight, nor can sexual assault its going to take awhile before you are yourself again

Please see if you speak to a solicitor about getting the contact arrangements sorted out properly. You may also need to contact the local police's domestic abuse team so that they at least know of your address and should anything happen they will prioritise you.

Theres a brilliant book called Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft its worth a read

CoffeeBeanie · 04/03/2015 09:57

OP this thread is giving me goosebumps. He still is abusing you. What if he turns nasty and rapes you again?

I would do everything possible to never be near him again. Can you sell up and move? You are waiting for him to become reasonable, that will never happen. If he was, he would not have been a nasty shit for 20 years.

Wake up please!

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 10:18

Sorry, just reading back. Benefits? Can I get my child benefit back? I have no real cash of my own without dipping into savings and I don't want to ask him for any. He thinks the £100 he pays me every month should cover cash purchases. One of the DC has a maths tutor who costs £25 a week!

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 04/03/2015 10:22

Err yes of course you can why is he getting it then? Phone them up and tell them what's happened.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 10:24

No I stopped getting it because he earned too much. Didn't realise I could get it back! Thank god for that. He doesn't need to know does he?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 10:25

As you're living separately, different addresses and so forth, you potentially qualify for all kinds of benefits, even though you're not divorced yet. www.turn2us.org.uk has a very good benefits checker that could be useful. If he's still on the electoral roll for your address, that's something else you can flag up as needing to change.

currentnameinuse · 04/03/2015 10:31

Yes you should claim. Are you seriously saying he only pays £100 per month child maintenance?? What are you living on? You need to claim everything as a single mother and go via CMS to claim child maintenance from him. You need to change your council tax to single occupant too - that saves 25% as well as informing them he no longer lives with you.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 10:34

No he pays all the bills and credit card for food etc. I earn a small bit of cash but not much and I'm trying to save as much as poss for when he gets angry and tries to hurt me in that way.

Yesterday eldest DC asked him for dinner money for the week and he said I needed to pay for it, which I have, but I'm not sure if he thinks I'm bloody printing the stuff!!

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 04/03/2015 10:36

You need to claim working and child tax credits as a single parent then. You can tell them how much he gives you, it won't affect what you can claim. And of course you can now get child benefit too. He will stop paying at some point as a way to punish you. Getting everything sorted now will protect you from that and give you independence from him too.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/03/2015 10:39

He doesn't need to know what you claim and his maintenance won't affect it. Get those claims in asap!

Meerka · 04/03/2015 10:41

It's not respectful to cover up what he's done to you. It's a form of collusion

This.

Please, get some counselling. He's got you struggling through one hell of a fog at the moment. You are putting his needs and wishes above yours.

You had the strength to tell him to get out. You have the strength to enforce that .. because right now he's trying to worm his way back in and your behaviour indicates you're on the verge of letting him.

Harsh words but from what you've written, true. You're certainly letting him walk all over you and rather over the kids. Bedtime is important. They don't seem to care about him which is a direct result of his behaviour towards them. Why do you still put yourself so far last?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 10:44

"I'm trying to save as much as poss for when he gets angry and tries to hurt me in that way. "

If he's likely - and it wouldn't be at all surprising given what you've said already - to hold any kind of spousal maintenance over you as a way to further exert control then have you been advised to go for a 'clean break' divorce? Child maintenance is a different matter.

Also, do you have your own bank account into which benefits could be paid? www.turn2us.org.uk which I linked earlier is a great place to start. Citizens Advice Bureau are also very good at this kind of thing. Once you have your own income stream and own means of making payment (and of course you don't need to tell him any of this) then you may be able to relax a little.

UmizoomiThis · 04/03/2015 10:45

Sorry if I'm repeating as I've skimmed over some posts (very hard to read so I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you)... But it struck me that YOU had to tell his counsellor about the r--- .

I highly highly doubt his counsellor is actually telling him his opinion on your marriage. This sounds like complete bullshit made up to make you believe you HAVE TO give him another chance because a professional who may respect has said so.

I bet not.