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Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/03/2015 20:30

I don't think his timing was a coincidence. I'm glad that he didn't stay or put you through another crying session but eventually you will have to put some boundaries up - if he can't make it back in time to take them out for tea, he can't see them. I doubt they were that fussed about seeing him on a school night?

Still, at least he should be out of the house for a while now - when is he off on his holiday?

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 10/03/2015 20:32

I don't think you gave in toast - it's an improvement on hanging around to talk for ever and sniffing your hair at any rate!

However, I do think that you may need to tell your daughters that this situation is going to change. You need to make a firm statement about him not coming into the house AT ALL. He has no business there. You've said before that he's sufficiently senior to change his hours if he wants to, so he can do that. But YOU have the right to make some demands here too, apart from the 'Fuck off' one.

You are so busy trying to keep all your kids happy and in their comfort zones, and I think it could be confusing: "Mum must be really angry with Dad, because she told him to leave. But she then lets him in the house and lets him act like Dad again sometimes, so that's confusing. What the hell is going on? What can I expect to happen in the foreseeable future? Is Dad coming back? He's not REALLY left. Why is this happening if she's just going to let him back? God, this is annoying. Feeling quite cross with Mum for not making a decision now."

Obviously this is all courtesy of my fevered imagination, but I think there may be truth in it. Kids (and people in general) like to have some idea of what to expect and are comforted by the knowledge of solid boundaries - this is especially true for people with AS traits, IME. A 'no entering the house' rule may seem harsh, but right now you're treading this half-and-half path between separated and married and it must be very hard for the kids to understand. Better to choose one path or the other, in terms of mental hygiene, than to oscillate around in the middle.

Sorry, I am well aware that it's easy for me to say and much harder to do. I do believe it's the best way forward for you though - simply put, it's cleaner.

geekymommy · 10/03/2015 20:49

I suspect I have some AS traits, too. You know what is really hard for me to understand and deal with? A situation where someone says the rules are one thing, but what's actually going on is something completely different. That's really scary and hard to deal with, especially if the real rules seem to be changing all the time. If I know what the rules are, even if they're different than they have been, I can work with that, I can find ways to cope with that. If the rules aren't what people say they are, and they're changing all the time, that's hard to deal with. It makes me angry and frustrated when someone acts as if the rules don't apply to them and gets away with it.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 10/03/2015 20:59

Yes I get that. I also know that my DD struggles with change, so I'm trying to work with her. And If she says she wants to be at home, not sitting eating chips for an hour then I really need to abide by that. And if she says she would like to see her dad, then I need to help that too.

I have three DDs at very different stages of their childhood and they all need me to help them and manage this, which I'm trying very hard to do

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2015 21:14

He kept his hands to himself, yes? And no 'back of the hand to the distressed brow' histrionic, right? So don't look at what you didn't do, look at the fact that you told him to keep himself to himself and to not make an emotional scene with you and he did what you said. That's an improvement in my book!

NettleTea · 10/03/2015 21:16

yep. thats true.
and each step forward is a good step forward.
This thing has been a lifetime in the making, so a day at a time, moving forward, is good.
Next weeks solicitor sounds positive

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 10/03/2015 21:16

He stayed on the opposite side of the room to me and there was no sighing, crying, sad looks.

The girls seemed relaxed and happy, went to bed ok.

It was an improvement.

OP posts:
PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 10/03/2015 21:26

That sounds like quite significant improvement to me! Pleased to hear it - much less stressful for you.

Just to play devil's advocate though..... his behaviour this time isn't any guarantee of next time. Either a) he's got the message and will maintain a respectful distance, or b) he'll be feeling a bit hurt/aggrieved that, amazingly, you were quite happy with the situation and so he'll ramp up the emotion in order to bolster his ego and garner himself some sympathy. I sincerely hope it's option a), but please keep your guard up just in case.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 10/03/2015 21:29

Oh I don't think it will stay like this! I think it will change again very soon.

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/03/2015 22:14

I'm sorry if I let you all down

You don't ever let us down. You don't owe us anything.
The only people you should be thinking about is you and your children, and what is the best for all of you.

All we can do is advise you and support you, in as much as we can.

GallicCunt · 10/03/2015 22:57

YY, Toast, my love, you're not doing this for us!

You will get cheers, pompoms and flowers whenever you take a piece of your life back, though :)

NettleTea · 11/03/2015 22:05

Hope today has been better for you and not too filled with calls, texts, etc.
And hope tomorrow goes as well as possible

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 12/03/2015 06:22

Thank you.

Only one call today where he asked if we could start moving things forward properly. Apparently he gets it now. I'm not sure whether to be relieved or wary.

OP posts:
tribpot · 12/03/2015 06:49

Given this comes after a week of intense behaviour in the opposite direction, I would be wary - but make sure you capitalise on it and get things sorted/papers served as soon as possible.

NettleTea · 12/03/2015 09:37

yep, that sounds like an opportunity to try to get some of the sticky stuff sorted while he is going through a benevolent phase, because it possibly wont last long.
Or he is attempting to call your bluff because he still suspects this is all a hard nosed ruse to make him behave

Lweji · 12/03/2015 09:57

Sorry, but I suspect he means the exact opposite of what you think. Did he say what he means by moving things forward?

Or he has met someone else. A bonus.

Or he thinks you don't really mean it and will back down.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 12/03/2015 09:57

I think either way it's the breathing space I need. He obviously feels guilty for going on holiday which is ridiculous but I must admit I'm a bit miffed to realise because of that then he won't have any time in the Easter hols to look after the DC!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 12/03/2015 09:59

He said we need to sit down and discuss putting house on market and where to go from there.

I'm not in any way trusting him on this but it's a bit of headspace rather than the constant battling and worrying of what he will say next.

OP posts:
Floundering · 12/03/2015 10:06

Do you need to have a discussion about selling the house?

Email him ( sod it if the sec sees , if he's bothered he'll get a new email)

"We're selling, here's a list of estate agents locally let's pick 3 to do evaluations, here's the list of things that need doing before we move, I am getting to do them to get the house in order quickly & will pay for the bill out of our joint account/card/ send the bill to you. "

You are doing so well at keeping him at a distance, go one step further & leave all negotiations where possible to email/text.

Lweji · 12/03/2015 10:15

You pick two agents and he picks another two agents. It may be that you agree on at least one and you end up with 3. Win, win.

Don't sit to discuss anything. Do it by email only.

NettleTea · 12/03/2015 10:21

yes I agree with Lweji. The less room for discussion the better, and her approach demonstrates him being given equal input so cannot claim you are being controlling or taking over.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/03/2015 12:48

I agree to the less said, the better. Be aware that he may be entering a 'gathering info' phase. Do not tell him anything about your finances or future plans that he doesn't already know. But of course, try to find as much as you can about his!

If he's still seeing the counselor he/she may very well have told him to pack it in and cooperate. Whether as a means to show you he's 'changed' to keep you or because the right thing to do is let you go, who knows (or cares).

Use this, but don't expect it to last. And don't trust him as far as you can spit into a hurricane!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/03/2015 14:01

HOw's it going, Toast? Is he still "behaving"?

Jux · 13/03/2015 17:11

All those sort of discussions need to done in writing - email or text. If you can't avoid a face to face discussion, then avoid agreeing to things (I'll think about that and get back to you) and follow up with a summary of the discussion by email or text - pref email.

Good luck.

Floundering · 17/03/2015 19:00

How are you Toast ?