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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
ouryve · 04/03/2015 12:01

If he could do all those horrendous things to you, including sexual assault, without a touch of guilt and remorse, then tough titty if he's turning on the waterworks now that he can't have his toy to play with any more. Because that's how he regarded you. The tears are no more than a tantrum. He can fuck right off.

Floundering · 04/03/2015 12:11

  1. Stop the daily contact- make it all about the kids, it's confusing them and you need to get a routine established. Repeat ad nauseum.

  2. Where he goes with the kids for contact is up to him, not your problem, why can't they go to Grandads as its where he lives now. either way do NOT offer solutions, just the access that is recommended every other w/e & one midweek pick up. If he whinges just repeat this is how it will be.

  3. When he comes to collect the children have them ready, hand over a bag of stuff if needed on the doorstep. A cheery" bye have a good time with Daddy" Close the door. Pour coffee or wine, enjoy peace !
    If it is too difficult or he makes a fuss can you get a friend to be there to do it for you till he gets it?

  4. Get your benefits sorted out, child benefit can be registered in your sole name, as can child & working tax credits. Then you will have some regular income & anything else he deigns to give. CMS is the new CSA, there is a calculator on their website so you can work out roughly what the amount should be & suggest a slightly lower amount if he agrees to do it as a voluntary arrangement or else you will have to go through them & there is an admin fee. Write down the figures & leave them with him to digest. DO not discuss it with him tell him to get back to you with a reply (pref by email)

  5. Go & see a solicitor experienced in family law with abuse experience. You can have a free half hour, get one you really like the sound of & can work with, get a list of things to do & your entitlements. You can proceed if needed or not, if he toes the line then you will only need to go back a few times to sign papers.

You need to be calling the shots here & you can, you have tried the reasonable route and as ever he is pushing the boundaries, time to get him out of your life properly.

You are doing brilliantly but now is the time to get tough -firm but fair, for both you & the DC

ouryve · 04/03/2015 12:19

There is nothing to fix. Get divorce proceedings initiated ASAP. The sooner that's all over with, the sooner you can move on. You have solid grounds for unreasonable behaviour.

And don't tell him you're going to do it, so he can't suddenly make himself scarce before papers are served on him.

Lweji · 04/03/2015 12:23

I will be blunt.
You need to get as little contact as possible with this man.
It's not healthy for you or for the children, as he is continuing his emotional abuse and control.
Contact with the children looks like it should be supervised until he can show he is emotionally stable. He should arrange for it at a centre or with someone you can trust. No more emotional blackmail.
No coming into the house, no chats without witnesses.

tipsytrifle · 04/03/2015 12:56

Others have said it so much better than I can but really, this thread has made me feel ill on your behalf.

He's creepy, he's molesting you and he's still abusing you, your space, privacy, life and kindness. He's mistaken your kindness for weakness and is totally exploiting you. This really does have to stop if he is to learn that this is over.

Draw up a schedule of contact for the DC. This should not involve him staying in your home. Stop this bedtime rubbish. The DC don't need it, you don't need it. It is being forced on you all. It's disgusting.

I can see you feel like you're over a barrel by being dependent on him financially. So, in a way this marriage isn't over at all, is it? He just doesn't sleep there any more. I think you need to get more info about finance. Perhaps you're entitled to benefits and I'm sure that 100pm isn't enough. When you said: I'm trying to save as much as poss for when he gets angry and tries to hurt me in that way that really says that you're living much as you were before.

I know you've said how much happier you are now but truly, you'll be bloody ecstatic if you actually get out of this marriage properly!

I think the house has to go ... do you have a solicitor?
He has asked me not to start divorce proceedings so he has time to fix things. His words.
it is all still temporary as far as he is concerned.
This is utterly chilling; scary even.

I am NOT underestimating how far you have come, Toast, I'm just saying PLEASE get out of this marriage, for real! He's not right in the head with all this behaviour. He isn't listening to anything you say. He has moved out to humour you, his "little woman" who just needs a touch-up now and then. He's working his way round to the full service, mark my words.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 13:11

Just got off an hour long conversation with him. Apparently he doesn't mind if I forgive him or not as long as he can come home.

Have bpoked solicitor for tomorrow.

OP posts:
Meerka · 04/03/2015 13:15

good on you toast.

stay strong

tipsytrifle · 04/03/2015 13:16

ohhh *bleurgh ...

Good that you got straight onto solicitor's appt sheet! Time to get this ended, hey?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 13:19

So in theory I could have another 40 years with somebody I haven't forgiven. WTF???

Apparently I would be allowed to make every decision for the next 20 years so it would be fair (because he made every for the last 20). How long would that last?

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 04/03/2015 13:20

It probably feels overwhelming to you, what to tackle first, where to begin to unravel your joint lives.

As others have said, the physical separation from him is really crucial. Being apart will help you to start to see a clear way forward, to visualise yourself free, independent, away from his domination. It will soon be not about him, and all about you, if you can try to move things forward. It seems like when he is back, he is so intense it prevents you from seeing through all the emotion you are having to deal with.

Maybe write down a few steps to move things forward, gather some facts from agencies that can give you the RL support. It will be step by step, gradual day by day, but you can do it!

tribpot · 04/03/2015 13:20

Sounds very remorseful, I'm surprised you aren't bowled over by his heartfelt words?! (NOT)

Get this separation on to a formal footing, advise him you wish to establish contact with his children out of your house. The inappropriate touching absolutely must stop - my skin is crawling at the idea you're being subjected to that after the repeated sexual assaults.

Sort out where you stand where benefits are concerned and certainly claim child benefit - he may have to pay it back via his tax return but that's hardly your problem. Expect there to be financial retribution to go with the ongoing emotional abuse but there is simply no way you are going to free yourself from his control without it.

Meerka · 04/03/2015 13:20

yeah, all those promises of Having Changed are as reliable as Putin's idea of democracy aren't they.

Momagain1 · 04/03/2015 13:21

hooray for solicitor! What are you going to tell her/him you want?

Miggsie · 04/03/2015 13:23

Please buy and read Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that?" which will show you what your husband is and the way he thinks.

Men like your husband:
Accord women no respect
Think women are there to service them
Will humiliate and insult their wife/partner regularly to undermine her
Will expect slave like devotion but offer nothing in return
Expect you to anticipate their every wish
Bitterly criticise you while accepting no criticism themselves
Cannot conceive that you would have a thought or wish that would be contrary to their wishes
Will become manipulative and vengeful if you dare to disobey them
Don't want divorces as then they might lose face that they have failed to control their wife sufficiently
They never change
They never change
They never change

You need to see a solicitor and have counselling on your own.
Stop pandering to your DH and stop talking to him.
Everything he does and says is to suit himself and to control what you do

daisychain01 · 04/03/2015 13:24

He is just waffling, toast, it's ramblings that you don't need to even listen to.

So he's had an hour out of your life that you won't get back. No need to give him the oxygen of attention from here on in.

Nothing he has said enhances your life or well being so think of your future, he is your past....

Joysmum · 04/03/2015 13:28

He's playing a blinder isn't he Sad

He knows you better than anyone else and knows what buttons to push. I just hope you can see this for what it is. You need to be free of his abuse and control. Ditto everyone else re contact with the kids Flowers

currentnameinuse · 04/03/2015 13:28

Bloody hell - he really is on another planet. Next time he wants a conversation - please hang up. You are no longer his sounding board or battering ram. Detach and then detach some more. He is manipulating you, or trying to.

tipsytrifle · 04/03/2015 13:35

I think you need a plan for if he simply moves back in. I fear he might do just that.

mummytime · 04/03/2015 14:03

Toast - I suggest you find the black humour in this - his generous offers really are laughable!

Lweji · 04/03/2015 14:08

Apparently I would be allowed to make every decision for the next 20 years so it would be fair (because he made every for the last 20). How long would that last?

There is one decision you have made that he is not accepting.
And that is to separate. This should tell you all there is to know about him.

GoatsDoRoam · 04/03/2015 14:19

Apparently he doesn't mind if I forgive him or not as long as he can come home.

It's hilarious, really, how blatantly these men show just how little they care about their partners.

Other people really don't matter to him, do they? So long as he's got what he wants.

I agree that the only answer to this is to serve him with divorce papers.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 14:24

"Apparently he doesn't mind if I forgive him or not as long as he can come home. "

He is so funny he should be sponsored by Tena Lady....

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 14:24

He's saying we should give it 9 months to a year before making a permanent decision!!

OP posts:
MitchellGirl · 04/03/2015 14:27

Just set some boundaries. Stop him coming round every evening. Let him take the DC out at the weekend.

You need to toughen up to protect yourself and the DC.

Get the divorce underway.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 14:27

Stop it... stop it.... my sides are hurting.....

It's lucky that you don't actually need his permission to get divorced, isn't it? You've made a permanent decision, he's playing catch-up.... c'est la vie But get those locks changed because he doesn't sound like a man that's going to give in gracefully.

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