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Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 10:46

Yes I have my own bank account.
He has asked me not to start divorce proceedings so he has time to fix things. His words.

OP posts:
UmizoomiThis · 04/03/2015 10:46

You not who

petalsandstars · 04/03/2015 10:46

Please see a solicitor - get your life back and him out of it and your home.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 10:47

Yes I had to tell the counsellor as DH brought up in the session how I wouldn't have sex with him.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/03/2015 10:47

Yes bang those claims in and maybe a proper claim for child support. 100 quid a month is an insult.

Meerka · 04/03/2015 10:47

What will you do, toast?

turbonerd · 04/03/2015 10:48

Just urgh at the subtle touching. It is controlling. It is disrespectful. He does not give a sod about what you want.
Try to disentangle your economies. He is using every means possible to Control you, but as others have posted, you can take it back. I find the steps you have take in just a month very brave.
For me the worst part was realising my ex is not a reasonable human. He is totally blindsighted to anything else but himself, his needs and his wants. YOur ex sounds similar, he will never ever listen to you, respect you or understand why you should not take him back. He thinks he owns you. He will be most displeased when it dawns on him you have taken the ownership of yourself back. How dare you etc. He will not listen to reason any more than he does now.
You dont need him to approve anything you do! Infact, it is good to start preparing yourself for how much he will rage at everything you do. But you are right and he is wrong.

FryOneFatManic · 04/03/2015 10:48

If he's earning enough to have had the child benefit stopped then he should be paying you more than £100 per month for the children. I'd be checking the CSA calculators too (can't remember what the CSA are called now, though). Put a claim for maintenance in.

currentnameinuse · 04/03/2015 10:55

And please stop writing down what you spend and showing him - you are so conditioned by him you can't see how awful this is. Please stop that now. It is none of his business, none of anyone's business but your own.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 10:56

He isn't paying maintenance yet as I guess it is all still temporary as far as he is concerned. The mortgage/bills pretty much eat up his salary.

OP posts:
Unexpected · 04/03/2015 11:00

You poor thing. I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it but if he wants to talk, can you suggest that you do so in front of the counsellor - so that you have an independent party to intervene if necessary and so that someone impartial is listening when you tell him that it is inappropriate for him to touch you without your consent etc? Please don't meet him on your own.

Momagain1 · 04/03/2015 11:01

Oh, Toast, the system is entirely in your favorr! You can get child benefit and more. You really need to get to Womens Aid, and a lawyer and get seperation properly set up, with him officially no longer allowed in the house, and that credit card converted to a proper cash payment for you to deal with as you see fit.

Quitelikely · 04/03/2015 11:02

If the mortgage and bills eat up his salary how are you planning to cope financially? It's inevitable that he will need to get a place of his own and my bet is that as soon as you get tough with him he will pull all the financial support.

Have you rang tax credits and child benefit? Council tax dept?

You need to get the ball rolling

Quitelikely · 04/03/2015 11:03

What did the counsellor say when told about his sexual assault

currentnameinuse · 04/03/2015 11:03

I agree - get claiming and get a lawyer sorted out pronto. Line in the sand time and all that. I know it is a scary prospect, but you will feel so much better once you make these steps. V empowering too.

Momagain1 · 04/03/2015 11:09

The mortgage and bills eat up his salary, but one of those bills is the credit card he is using to control you. That will convert directly to a new bill: his maintenance payment. And the house will be sold, solving the mortgage expense.

Stop feeling sorry for him! Odds are, he is lying about expenses, and possibly income. It is another way he controls you! look round the house and gather all the financial paperwork so you know the truth of it unfiltered by his control system. You have been worried he can get at your things when he is in the house, far more likely he might have been taking information like this that you need. if everything is in hos name, you cant keep these papers, or even copy them (not a lawyer, that is based on freds I have read here). But so long as any of it is in the house with you/on the family computer you have access too, you can bloody well read it! (And probably take notes)

MamaMotherMummy · 04/03/2015 11:10

I agree that his arriving at an inconvenient time is just another way to assert control. I think once a week to take them on an outing would be sufficient if the children agree. Get him out of your space.

I agree with all other posters about getting on with the practical side of the separation. You seem absolutely sure that you are not going back. The sooner you sort it all out the quicker you can start your new life.

All the best Flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 11:11

"He has asked me not to start divorce proceedings so he has time to fix things."

I would interpret that as he isn't taking you seriously. Again, think in terms of control.... Because he thinks he controls you, the idea that you might want something different that he can't control and which doesn't involve him doesn't appear on his radar. In his world, he always gets what he wants, by fair means or foul.

So, given that you are serious about the divorce, see the lawyer, get the divorce underway, get him out of your house, boost your finances however you can.... start as you mean to go on.

Goodbetterbest · 04/03/2015 11:18

Toast, my position is similar to yours and I can see it going the same way when he eventually goes. (Hopefully this weekend). What you say is all ringing true for me. I have a knot in my stomach just from reading your posts, and the replies.

We are having a Separation Order put together by a mediator. This will include a share of his pension, which is something to consider (shockingly two-thirds or pensioners living in poverty are divorced women Hmm) .

I have also just claimed for working/child tax credits, have child benefit, and will claim council tax benefit. Please ring them today and get the ball rolling. If you work 16 - 29 hours a week you will be able to claim WTC. entitledto.co.uk is really helpful and there is a tax credit calculator on the HMRC website.

Good luck.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2015 11:26

He has asked me not to start divorce proceedings so he has time to fix things. His words.

It's still all about him.
You know this can't be fixed.
Stop listening to this horrible abusive man.
Start divorce proceedings asap.
At least get an appt with a solicitor to see where you would stand.
Seriously, it's not about him any more. It's about you and what you want!

currentnameinuse · 04/03/2015 11:34

All of your posts are about him and what he wants and does. Time to shift that to you and your children. He is no longer your problem. He is v lucky not to have been in prison for what he has done to you. Please start thinking of yourself - you deserve at least that don't you?

Momagain1 · 04/03/2015 11:36

I think he was officially concerned with physically fixing the house when he spoke of fixing things. But it can also be seen as trying to fix the marriage (cant be done) or trying to rig things about the finances in his favor.

One advantage you have is his NOT BELIEVING YOU. So long as he thinks his games might work, he probably isnt moving on to the next stage of trying to harm you via the divorce. You need to stop access to the house, and move on with everything else before he changes his goal.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 11:38

Oh no, he means fixing the marriage. The house is fine.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 04/03/2015 11:46

Do you want to fix things?
If not, start the divorce proceedings.

Seriously, the legal system brings so much dispassionate clarity to these situations. Put in the hands of lawyers. Get the ball rolling. Get a formal contact arrangement. These are all good things that will work in your favour and limit the scope of his manipulation.

Momagain1 · 04/03/2015 11:56

The marriage is unfixable, so no need to honor that request. Though, as long as he can be convinced you are doing tnothing, the more you can get done so there's no need to inform him until he has to be made aware of the changes.

Have you read the post which is pinned to the top of the relationships board?

Read it every night before you go to bed.