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Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
WaxOnWaxOff · 04/03/2015 08:10

he's asked you to move out so he can live in the home with the children? cheeky fucker!

you need to put a stop to the bedtime visits, it's not about him seeing the children at all so please don't tell yourself that, all you'll be depriving him of is the opportunity to manipulate you further.

we're all cheering you on, you CAN do this. Thanks

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 08:12

He can't take them out at 7.30 at night. That's why I let him come and do bedtime. I will point out that he never did bedtimes until 6 months ago. Ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 08:12

He texted to say he isn't coming tonight. I told the DC and they all shrugged (or in one case smiled). Is that the sign of DC desperate to see their dad??

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 08:13

Yes he asked me to move out and live with his dad!! No way! I've done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 04/03/2015 08:13

Crying....pathetic.

This would make me lose even more respect for him.

You are way too accommodating. He should not be coming around every night. Why do you think he chooses bedtime to come? He is coming to see you, not the kids.

This is all part of a master plan and whilst it hasn't worked so far, it seems it is having an affect on you.

You feel it because you are a decent person. He was not and therefore is not. People don't change in a few weeks. If he came back he would be back to his old self within 3 months knowing that it would be much harder to get rid of him for a 2nd time.

To be frank, the way he feels (even if it is real) is not your problem.

You need to be tough from now and say that you need to get proper access sorted, you don't want him there every night and that you are never going to take him back. He needs to understand that last bit.

You have been strong so far in doing what you have done and you need to continue with this.

I bet all this crap from him will stop the minute he meets someone else.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/03/2015 08:16

It doesn't sound as though he is coming to see the children because he wants to see them, then. You may be in danger of mistaking him for a loving father who actually gives a shit about their welfare. (I notice you say he "won't" come any earlier, as opposed to "can't" - he chooses to come at a disruptive time. If he really wanted to visit his children he would come when there was some chance of spending quality time with them, surely?) As you recognise yourself, it's all about his loss and not at all about the family he hurt so much that they can't bear to live with him any more.

As for the counsellor, there are a few possibilities:

a) Your ex is misrepresenting or, to be kinder, misunderstanding what the counsellor said
b) Your ex is misrepresenting the situation to the counsellor who is therefore working from an incorrect premise
c) The counsellor is being monstrously unprofessional
d) The ex is lying.

Any of these are possible, but the one thing that is not possible is that the counsellor knows better than you do what you are going to do with the rest of your life.

But you know all this :)

Anniegetyourgun · 04/03/2015 08:18

Ha, cross post as usual!

DeliciousMonster · 04/03/2015 08:19

He doesn't have somewhere to live, he is at his dad's. So it isn't possible for the DC to stay there.

Not. Your. Problem.

In this case, he takes them OUT for the day.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 08:20

'He doesn't want to sell the house'.

Again.... think 'control'. That house is his way of controlling you. It ties you to him. All the time you live in it he has a point of influence. He can drag fixing it up out for years and years if it suits his purpose. He has legal access to a house that he jointly owns etc. It'll never be 'your home'... it'll always be 'his house'. Control.

So even if he doesn't want to sell the house and even if it is not worth as much as it would be when it was fully finished, I think you should take advice and get going on the sale. Realise the asset, take the cash and start fresh somewhere that is 100% your own (even if it's rented).

FantasticButtocks · 04/03/2015 08:20

He is still abusing you with this manipulation.

Well done for getting him out. Now keep him out.

If he cries and cries and loses weight etc, he is making damn sure you witness every little bit of his 'anguish', because he is trying to get you to do something!

HellKitty · 04/03/2015 08:22

See your solicitor. Communicate with X ONLY about your DC. Expect suicide threats, expect him to start bad mouthing you to everyone AND your DC. X will start to hate you. Where he lives is not your problem. Be strong, you can do this, many of us have.

Quitelikely · 04/03/2015 08:27

I think he sounds unstable.

Have you thought about suggesting two short visits PW?

I wouldn't want my dc anywhere near him.

Hopefully his interest in them will fade once he has to take them out of the family home and take full responsibility for them.

Kleptronic · 04/03/2015 08:29

Bloody hell. I don't have anything useful to add, but I wanted to say, well done you. Keep strong. Be good to yourself, and see if you can get some counselling to take care of yourself with, because you have been, and are, under a huge amount of strain and have been through so much, it'd be good to get some support to help you work through this stuff.

gamerchick · 04/03/2015 08:30

This is the hardest part keep strong. After the snivelling and snot comes the nastiness.

I really would try and behave as though he's not around with regards to childcare though or cancel going away. You can't rely on him when he's so emotionally unstable.

The paranoia will come at some point also as his tiny brain can't comprehend you not taking his back and he'll start accusing you of another man. Don't hesitate to start ringing the police to have him removed if you ever need it. The sooner this bit is over the quicker the kids can start to heal. Don't let it drag out.

Meerka · 04/03/2015 08:33

Really well done on kicking him out.

Now you have to go the next step.

Which is to say that he comes to the children when it is convenient for YOU. Not him. No more bedtimes. he can take them at weekends for the day. That's normal.

He texted to say he isn't coming tonight. I told the DC and they all shrugged (or in one case smiled). Is that the sign of DC desperate to see their dad??

Your children have blossomed without him, you say.

I wonder how long he'll keep coming once he realises that you aren't going to crumble for the manipulation.

For years I have managed the utter shit he sometimes says, by deflecting or telling the DC the truth. But I can't do that if I'm not here.

You don't say how old your children are but it sounds like they might already have a very good idea about who and what he is.

You want him to feel better - why?

Part of making amends for screwing up and consuming someone else's life (yours, in this case) is feeling bad. It's coming to regret what you've done and coming to actually genuinely feel some of the pain of what's happened and what you've done, how much you've heart someone.

If there is any chance of him becoming a decent human being instead of someone who sucks the life and joy out others, then he has to go through that process. you're not helping him by comforting him, no matter how sad you are for him.

You also need to put that care and concern towards your children. It can't be easy to turn off that concern for someone else when you've lived with them for years, but it's the next step you need to take.

You don't need to be mean, but I would suggest lines like "I am not the right person to talk to, talk to a friend" said calmly and neutrally. "I'm sorry you feel like this but I'm afraid that it's over". "If you really care for me now, if you really have changed, then give me what I need. Give me time and space to heal after all these years. That's what I need and want. Not tears and more of your emotions".

Remember, he threatened suicide and didn't mean it. He cries, it's very very unlikely he means anything real by tears either.

I also wonder just how often he'll come for the children's bedtime when he realises that you mean it, that it's over.

Hide your vital paperwork and anything you treasure at someone else's house. EA people can get very nasty indeed when they realise they won't get their own way.

Solasum · 04/03/2015 08:35

OP do not allow yourself to think even for a second that you 'can't cope' with your DC. By saying this he is playing on your anxieties and making you doubt yourself. Your children are already flourishing since he left. That means you are winning, not just coping, no?

Stay strong. You are allowed to be happy, and you will be!

thenextday · 04/03/2015 08:38

I feel for you. I am getting similar treatment from h ..veiled suicide threats etc.
I am remaining totally detatched...resolutely ignoring all texts and emails about ending it all.

Stay strong x

Meerka · 04/03/2015 08:46

how much you've heart someone.

oops .. hurt! not heart!

Charlie97 · 04/03/2015 08:48

I've no words of advice, but well done getting this far...keep strong x

Stoatystoat · 04/03/2015 08:51

Well done for getting as far as you have. I'm sorry he is continuing to control and emotionally abuse you, this really needs to stop.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/03/2015 08:58

Why can't he take them out on his day off? He doesn't need to see them every day. Once a week is fine.

Allofaflumble · 04/03/2015 08:58

Don't waste your time worrying about him. Before long he will be too busy to bother with your kids as he will be lining up his next victim.

She no doubt will believe all the stories about you being a psycho bitch etc..... Seen it so many times....

PurpleWithRed · 04/03/2015 08:59

When I told my XDH it was over he immediately stopped doing a load of unpleasant things I'd repeatedly asked him to stop doing over the previous 18 years. Which told me he'd known I hated them all that time but just didn't care. From that moment on it was too late, ever.

Stick to your guns, he had multiple chances over multiple years and he chose not to put things right. This situation is of his own making.

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/03/2015 08:59

Hi toast

Sorry lovely but it does sound like that he hasn't actually left at all, he's there every night, it's like he goes to work and comes home.

Your boundaries are non existent lovely seriously they are way off kilter and that's how he's keeping the .

I think a period of no contact for everyone is the way to go, ide let him take me to court to be honest, maybe even out the house on the market. He's not taking you seriously and why should he. Your not making any demands or putting in boundaries.

I don't wish to appear jumping on you toast, but this cycle has to be broken some hoe because your going to end up having a nervous breakdown because he still calls all the shots Thanks

Greenrememberedhills · 04/03/2015 09:03

Toast, why do you think he comes at "bang on bedtime"? He isn't so interested in the children- it's to see you.