The crying and the begging....

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

Hi Toast, I posted earlier in your thread to say I went through this with my DH 2 years earlier, I took him back at the suicide threats, regretted it pretty quickly and 2 years on in finally doing it like I mean it. Here's what I've done differently this time round:

1. I got a solicitor who is firm but empathetic, with a background in DV and child protection.

1. I enlisted lots of online and RL support to prevent me wobbling and giving in

1. I made my boundaries much firmer, even this time I've had the unwanted hug/kiss. I keep out of his way when he's in the house (he hasn't moved out yet) make sure I'm in different room from him and never reciprocate or show any sympathy for the sad faces, self pity, etc. my solicitor explained that it's 'fault testing'. That's what abusive men do. It's not genuine, although it might look that way. He's looking for a button to press that works, and now he's found one, he's pressing it repeatedly. If you stopped letting him manipulate you with the crying, that would soon stop and he'd move onto aggression/manipulation.

1. I've shown I mean business this time by serving the divorce petition within one week

1. I've had counselling on my abusive relationship with him, which has helped me let go of feeling responsible for him, his behaviour and his emotions. Also it's helped me connect with my inner bitch (we all have one, you just need to find yours and she will help you!).

It's a scary ride, but you will feel so proud when (not if) you find the strength to push back every time he pushes you. I am happier now than I have been for years, because he's no longer pulling my puppet strings.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

Toast: what's happening? Are things moving on as you wanted?