Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm exhausted from the constant snapping, rudeness and lack of appreciation. How do I make it better?

242 replies

RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 20:16

There are two of my husband. He lives for weeks, sometimes a month or so as one person and then a switch flicks and he becomes the other for a similar amount of time.

Husband one is ok and I love him to bits. The kids adore him and he can be brilliant with them but husband two is vile.

Husband two is rude, snappy and aggressive (in manner and tone) to me and the DCs. Rarely says thank you, rarely concentrates on us, what we are doing or planning or gives us his undivided attention. He huffs loudly at complete strangers for doing minor things like inadvertently stepping in his path. Raises his arms in a gesture of "what the fuck" rather than one of "would you mind moving please" if a car or cyclists have blocked his way or done something without thinking. Flies off the handle with snapped responses with no need always taking things the wrong (negative) way. He never acknowledges the contribuion I make. Acts like he hates or disagrees with the very air that I breathe. He tells the DCs off for poor behaviour yet he models the most awful example. Muttering "Jesus Christ" loudly and clearly at the slightest thing that annoys him or constantly looking at his phone even when we are having some family time.

I just want a loving pair of arms round me (in addition to those of my children) and a heart felt compliment and a kind word or two every now and again.

When he chooses to be husband one all will be well but we have no say as to when that will be. Husband two has been here for many weeks and I am on my knees. Please be kind as I'm not up to harsh replies.

OP posts:
MelonBallersAreStrange · 01/03/2015 20:20

It is interesting that you are asking how you can make his behaviour better.

You can't.

He can.

What is he doing about it?

Original poster
RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 20:26

He's not doing anything about it. He thinks his behavior is fine and justified :-(

OP posts:
tak1ngchances · 01/03/2015 20:27

How much of the time is he husband one and how much husband two?

QuintessentiallyInShade · 01/03/2015 20:30

Look at it this way, he is husband two, but not able to keep up the pretense. If he was really husband one, he would feel awful about his own behaviour and try work on himself to curb it. He doesnt, so he is the vile one keeping a mask some of the time.

DoloresUmbrage · 01/03/2015 20:34

What does he keep looking at the phone for? Is he under pressure at work?

LosingNemo · 01/03/2015 20:37

I'm not sure if you are able to talk to your husband about this (when he's husband one), but it might be worth getting husband one to see a doctor. My DH was similar and eventually went to the doc, he's now on anti depressants and these seem to have made all the difference. Our world is a lot less stressful all round.
I do really feel for you, it's really tough, and really unfair. I wish I had a way of making things better in the meantime. Hang on in there.

SymphonyofShadows · 01/03/2015 20:37

The phone thing is a bit worrying. Has the husband 2 behaviour always been there to some degree or is it a newish thing?

Original poster
RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 20:40

About half and half at a guess tak1ngchances although it may just feel like that as when I'm living with it its so wearing.

If you are saying LTB Quint then I have to choose to wreck my life and that of my DCs. He can be such a great Dad when he wants to be. I just want him to switch back. He'd say it's all my fault but he must know really he is being a total shit and reacting horribly to every tiny thing, surely? Not saying I'm perfect but he's making war!

OP posts:
briteside · 01/03/2015 20:50

Are you talking about my father????

Your post perfectly explains my father during my childhood. He was eventually (After massive, massive pressure from my mother when I was a teenager) diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and was put on medication.

He is now 'Husband One' 99% of the time and is a wonderful grandfather to DC. I often feel so sad that he only managed to get help when it was 'too late' for my brother & I to appreciate it. Our childhood was fairly turbulent with his unpredictable moods and poor behavior.

I agree with nemo that you should try to talk to him about it, see if he can be convinced to get some help. For you and your kids...

Original poster
RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 20:50

Delores He looks at the phone for any reason possible! Mainly to "look something up" or "reading the news". He is under pressure at work but not the reason he is using his phone. He has a separate phone for work.

losingNemoHe is already on antidepressants. Been on them a few years. Before them the anger was real yelling and extreme shouting with quite a lot of swearing (but only when he was Husband 2). What's odd is he can honestly choose to switch character. Surely if it were a medical thing that wouldn't be the case. If I spoke to him and asked him about it he'd say it's because I don't give him what he wants and that i pick at him. The "picking" is me asking him to do stuff he should do anyway!

OP posts:
tak1ngchances · 01/03/2015 20:51

I can be like husband two when I have PMT or when I am very anxious. At the time I think my behaviour is perfectly reasonable and rational. But actually it is appalling.
I agree with a pp, he may have depression or another mood disorder (although probably not pmt...)

tak1ngchances · 01/03/2015 20:52

Sorry just saw he's on Antidepressants. He should get the dosage looked at for sure

Original poster
RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 20:53

I meant to say - thank you so much for posting. I really really appreciate it. I'm taking in every word like a sponge.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 20:57

Ok, so If he does need different antidepressants or a different dosage how can I get him to see/agree to that? He just cannot or will not see his behaviour isn't normal or justified. How can I get from here to there without making another battle?

OP posts:
tak1ngchances · 01/03/2015 21:02

I would just say, Listen I love you but I cannot live like this. When you did/do xyz I find it really upsetting. I know you don't see a problem but truly there is. Can you please think about your medication and whether the dosage needs to be tweaked?

Bakeoffcake · 01/03/2015 21:10

Agree with tak1ng. Also would you be able to go along with him to the Drs so you can tell them how he is?

Original poster
RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 21:19

I would go with him, of course, but I just can't see him saying "yes Rain, fair enough. When I say it. More like FFS you are unbelievable."

I'm willing to try but can't see it going well.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 21:29

Would it be a good or bad idea to text him the words from tak1ng's post? So he can have a chance to think before responding not just react (badly)? Even so he could well just type the knee jerk reaction reply to be honest. And once he has voiced his opinion that's it - he won't change it.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 21:57

So here is his response:

Maybe you should consider that the problem isn't me. But you. Everyone is up and happy when you are not around. You say stuff that deliberately provokes an argument. Anything I say you argue against. Even the most benign thing you will have to take the opposite opinion. Mini Rain sulks screams stamps and slams doors and you side with her over me. I have given up.

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 01/03/2015 22:08

Sorry OP. He sounds abusive. Nice and nasty cycle.

GallicIsCharlie · 01/03/2015 22:11

Well, you have it in writing :( The reason he's an ill-tempered arse is because you don't act like you're joyously delighted to live with an ill-tempered arse and because your child is a child.

You might think there's a way round this. I just think life is short, and childhood even shorter.

I'm biased. I grew up with a dad like this and it fucked me over, as with my siblings. Uncertainty & fear are not markers of an excellent childhood. What mood will HE be in today? What must I do to keep HIM happy? Why can't I make HIM happy, what's wrong with me? But I am being quiet, Mummy!

Urgh.

Swanhildapirouetting · 01/03/2015 22:15

He sounds absolutely horrible.

However. To Give Him the Benefit of the Doubt could you just avoid doing things with him for a bit. Take the children out without him "to give him a rest". Make no demands on him - try a controlled experiment to see what exactly is triggering him. Is it children's (normal) behaviour, is it work, is it meals, is it driving?

If he follows you and deliberately tries to criticise you then you know you have a problem. Then he is not just reacting but trying to actively control you by his moods.

Even if it is not his fault that he is depressed it is his fault if he is convinced that YOU are the problem.

He definitely needs help. But he will have to seek it out himself and admit to the problem. You could try logging various incidents not to show him even just to remind yourself you are not being over sensitive.

He is setting the most terrible terrible example to the children - you are not being kind to him by putting up with it but being unfair to them to let this situation continue. Is there anyone who could spend the day with you in his company just to observe what is going on?

GallicIsCharlie · 01/03/2015 22:19

Are you sure he isn't diabetic?
Does he do weight training? Could he be using steroids?

Swanhilda's monitoring suggestions are very good. But for god's sake don't let this go on too long. Time is ticking.

nannyj · 01/03/2015 22:21

You are describing my father. He was on anti depressants all my life and had chronic anxiety. But to me he seemed quite able to switch his behaviour at will. Please don't think his actions don't affect and traumatise your children. As a child I felt I walked on eggshells and have many issues left over from having to live in his house. My mum also didn't want to split up the family and I still blame her to this day for not leaving him.

Swanhildapirouetting · 01/03/2015 22:24

If you really believe you have a future you could try just not asking for anything at all from him - no criticism no comments demands nothing. And then if he is nice to the kids - maybe you have Husband 1 back.

But perhaps despite that you won't feel very satisfied because essentially your relationship is not such a good one. Maybe you are not temperamentally suited and he will never be the right husband for you because we all need to make demands on people occasionally - alternately he will never be able to co-exist with those particular demands being made.

Some people do not get on. The bit you said at the beginning about him swearing and yelling does not bode well. Was there a time when you did communicate effectively with each other and shared the same views about what needed to be done and how to behave? I think that is the baseline from which you need to operate - if the relationship was there before well and good but if it was always a bit tricky - maybe he cannot sustain this life with you. And you are much much better off without him. And he might be a better father when he is not being vile to you.