I'm exhausted from the constant snapping, rudeness and lack of appreciation. How do I make it better?

[RainOnTheTent]

There are two of my husband. He lives for weeks, sometimes a month or so as one person and then a switch flicks and he becomes the other for a similar amount of time.

Husband one is ok and I love him to bits. The kids adore him and he can be brilliant with them but husband two is vile.

Husband two is rude, snappy and aggressive (in manner and tone) to me and the DCs. Rarely says thank you, rarely concentrates on us, what we are doing or planning or gives us his undivided attention. He huffs loudly at complete strangers for doing minor things like inadvertently stepping in his path. Raises his arms in a gesture of "what the fuck" rather than one of "would you mind moving please" if a car or cyclists have blocked his way or done something without thinking. Flies off the handle with snapped responses with no need always taking things the wrong (negative) way. He never acknowledges the contribuion I make. Acts like he hates or disagrees with the very air that I breathe. He tells the DCs off for poor behaviour yet he models the most awful example. Muttering "Jesus Christ" loudly and clearly at the slightest thing that annoys him or constantly looking at his phone even when we are having some family time.

I just want a loving pair of arms round me (in addition to those of my children) and a heart felt compliment and a kind word or two every now and again.

When he chooses to be husband one all will be well but we have no say as to when that will be. Husband two has been here for many weeks and I am on my knees. Please be kind as I'm not up to harsh replies.

What's my answer? Help me please.

Your answer is that he doesn't give a shit about you and blames you for everything whilst making himself out to be a martyr and inferring that you know what the problem is, and that the problem is you and that you are deliberately being obtuse about the problem being you.

'It won't help because the problem isn't me. But if that is what will make you happy. At least that way you won't have to admit to any of it being your fault.'

He sounds like a cunt. Do your kids really need a cunt in your house? If he is shouting at kids for...being kids then perhaps he can find his peace far far away.

Incidentally...
Children that continually shout scream and slam doors antagonise me. When not doing so they do not. As evidenced by lunch. By building robots. By doing homework this morning. By watching top gear this evening.

What he means here is that the children are also at fault. Or perhaps it is your fault. Never mind - whatever. But apparently his own kids are deliberately antagonising him by being kids. When they are 'good' he is happy. When they are 'bad' ie not being what HE wants, then he doesn't choose to actually parent them, no - the choice is that 'He tells the DCs off for poor behaviour yet he models the most awful example. Muttering "Jesus Christ" loudly and clearly at the slightest thing that annoys him or constantly looking at his phone even when we are having some family time.'

And...
him: I am not putting it all down to you.
After him: Maybe you should consider that the problem isn't me. But you.
and then him:I will change my reactions. I will keep the atmosphere happy. Everything else is up to you

So you can't win here! It is all your fault, you have to do all the work, whatever you do will be wrong and you have no idea what it is you are supposed to be doing wrong or do right!

He is a cunt. Any decent man would sit down and discuss parenting and other issues and compromise. Not bully you to obey him and do his bidding when he feels that you are not doing whatever it is he wants you to do, even though you do not know what this is.

Oh, apart from shutting up. That is most definitely what he wants you to do.

ask the kids to draw or write descriptions of each member of the family choose five words to describe them. it might be telling.

do you think the dc dont notice how miserable dad is?

growing up never being able to please a parent whatever they do is horrendous. scraping for crumbs of kindness . worrying what mood he is in.

as other said, stop going round in circles with him. you wont get anywhere. go see a counselor on your own. and when you say "what shall i do?" they will turn it back and say" what do you want to do? what do you want from life? how can you change it?" . you cant change him. his promises to "change" - well wait and see. but he still blaming you isn't he? you have to decide what to do here. what you want from life.

Please don't ask the children to get involved with this. That's terrible advice.

OP do you want someone to ask for this thread to be moved to relationships?

Oh my lord! Absolutely don't involve your children in this. Unbelievable advice on here.

Agree with Bake. Get the thread moved

That really is bad advice! The children should not be dragged into this!

I'm going to go against the grain. I'm taking and talking of only two things in isolation. Since when has it been a crime to raise one's arms in exasperation or to mutter "Jesus Christ!" in irritation at, for example, dangerous cycling on the road (to use the given example)?

Those examples seem petty to me. The man isn't calling the cyclists cunts, he isn't demonstrating road rage violence. He isn't lifting his arms to punch someone. He's showing mild irritation. Nothing else. You can't, surely you can't censure him for that?

The other issues, they need isolating and considering too, but these two seem to me to be attempts by the OP to find fault or at best poor examples owing to not having any better ones.

Rain, if you're concerned about emails from MNHQ alerting H to this thread, then I fear it may be too late. Somebody's already said they've PMd you and that generates an email. Change your email password!

I'm sorry that so many replies are telling you he's just a lovely chap who's feeling a bit down. Presumably this implies you should treat him like a poorly child, which is what he wants you to do - and it still won't turn him into a nice person!

Your responses have been fantastic and I'm very glad you recognised the Cycle of Abuse. Well, not glad you're experiencing it, obviously, but pleased to see you are not yet so worn down by it that you can't make the connection.

"Going flat" is good survival advice, as is continued repetition that it's logical for him to take a break from you & your children with all your 'stressful' behaviour.

Gruff - undiagnosed diabetes can cause personality changes. But it's not what I think is going on here.

OP do you want someone to ask for this thread to be moved to relationships

Yes please

School drops done and I must get off to work. I will be back on here tonight. Thank you for all the help.

It's a pity OP's posts haven't provided you with sufficient proof that what she says is true, hooby. It's a pity, too, that you choose to pick out small details rather than look at the overall picture she has very adequately painted, complete with quoted texts showing her H blames her for anything & everything that's wrong in their relationship.

Nice attempt at trivialisation, but fortunately ineffective.

Rain, the access to your email thing worries me. Why does your dH have access to it? What's stopping you from putting an end to that right away? What consequences do you fear if he finds this thread and reads it?

Why would I attempt trivialisation, Gallic? Seriously, what's in it for me? I don't know the OP or the OP's DH (you'll have to take my word for that), so what do I have to gain?

All I'm saying is that those gesture making and jesus christing issues are non-issues imho. People do that when mildly irritated with things around them although I admit I come from a culture where gesticulating, sometimes exaggeratedly for effect, is quite common. Even so, I can't see the abuse in those two things which others are seeing. I'm wondering if Rain is so fed up with other things or if there's more to this to the extent that anything her DH does is troubling to her. I felt the need to put in the other side of the coin on those two isolated examples. That's just my opinion, it doesn't need to be agreed with.

not suggesting children get involved but op needs to know how her children feel... if they anxious or worried or concerned. you can do this in a subtle way. you can chat on way to school about what they would like for Christmas or where they would like to go on holiday. you can subtly play a game in which you all draw family portraits. these things can give you information about how they see family life....it can tell you if they happy or just resigned... .

playing a game in which you ask your dc what they would do if they won the lotto and had a million pounds can give real insight sometimes into how they see family life.

talking about their favorite outing or meal or what are they looking forward to doing when you go on holiday in the summer...that kind of thing. can actually tell you a lot about how they feel about family life and dynamics. watching soaps and discussing soap families.

"if you could choose your holiday where would you go and who would you go with?" what do they respond?

It doesn't really matter how they see family life.

They are not the responsible adult in a relationship. They are kids and do not have the same reasoning as an adult.

Most kids love their parents whether or not they are abusive, and if they don't will probably be too scared to say anything anyway esp if the abusive parent is still in the house.

Unless you are a trained and qualified psychologist, this is not a method of determining the future of a marriage. And you could well do much more harm than you think.

I think it does matter. if you realize your kids are scared, worried anxious it can help you make a decision to eg leave. if they are totally happy and relaxed about the home environment because the home environment is relaxed and happy - then it may make you decide differently...

if your adult relationship is impacting on the kids - and it will, one way or the other, then that can help inform your decisions when you at crunch point which i think the op is at.

if a kid says i would take dad on holiday but give him his own caravan coz he is always grumpy - that can tell you something.

I would recommend the Freedom Programme for you - and also, when a man is abusive joint counselling is never, ever recommended. Counselling just for yourself is a very good idea. But I agree he should leave, and him blaming you for his abusive behaviour is textbook btw.

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

If you've read down the thread I grew up in a similar household to the ops. I would have lied to the end of the earth to protect my mum from further stress and worry. So you can ask all kinds of questions but I doubt there will be fully honest answers from the kids. I would have told my mum what I thought she wanted to hear because I was trained from a young age to put my feelings last and my fathers first. I would never have said anything disloyal even though I have clear memories of wanting to push my dad off a mountain whilst on holiday in the Lake District when I was 7. I knew all our lives would be drastically improved if he wasn't there. I didn't tell my mum this until I was an adult. Children, when they have grown up in this sort of environment are damaged and don't respond how you'd think they would. I see it in my dd and how she has none of the worry I had as a child.

hooby my reading of OP was that she is not citing those as evidence of abuse but of situations that he could deal with differently but instead chooses to react very negatively..

And that for me is the crux. He chooses to behave like this. OP days he van turn it on and off and his rrsponse where he says he will play nice makes it clear that he can and he knows it.

So it isn't depression. Yo cannot switch depression off.

If he as saying, sorry I don't mean to be angry but... or I was just a bit ticked off ith those cyclists but it is no big deal...

But he isn't. He is saying I am right and you and other peole who annoy me are wrong. And my anger is your punishment which I choose to hand out.

Fwiw my x also only like the kids if they weren't stopping him from doing what he wanted. I.e. if he wanted to watch tv it would get turned up and up and the dcs get louder and louder and then he would turn it up more and then shout. He could never see that there was no incentive for them to behave because in his eyes behaving meant letting him in peace but in their eyes the reward for good behaviour is being ignored.

That it what he is saying to op. Be good so I can ignore you.

You can't change/help him op. He sounds like a really nasty piece of work. And I say that as a wife/mother who is suffering from a bad bout of depression/anxiety and hasn't been the easiest person to live with. I feel very guilty when I'm having a bad day as I tend to cry a lot and can be snappy. I worry constantly how that will affect our dc. I normally take some time out, get some fresh air just on my own as I do feel overwhelmed some days. If dh ever said to me he couldn't live with that and I was making our home life as bad as yours sound I'd leave, for my dc. I certainly wouldn't be trying to pick a fight with dh and shifting the blame. Like he is.

Thank you for having the patience to explain it properly, Grundy :)

If the incident with the cyclists had been a moment of passing irritation, he'd have said something like "I know, I was a bit of a prat". But, no, he expounded on his role as judge & jury of other people's behaviour and his right to have a go. His bad temper is other people's fault. Plus, if it had been a fleeting prattish moment, Rain wouldn't be posting what she is and their ongoing dispute wouldn't be happening.

As you pointed out, he has actually said he can choose to be pleasant. So he is choosing not to.

I agree - nothing you can do to change him. All you can do is change your reaction, and decide whether you want to put up with him.

Hi everyone - we're just going to pop this into Relationships for the OP.

I'm in a very similar situation as Rain. We had a massive argument in November and are meant to be in reconciliation stage. Here is his list:

Stress issues for me:

• Unclean chaotic house
• Kids not listening
• Our inability to socialise i.e. not being able to invite people for dinner due to both our lack of cooking skills. In other households, people can rely on their wives which I cannot.
• Not being able to save
• Car cleaning issues and accountability I always stress
• Where to settle down– your lack of interest. You not wanting to discuss this PISSES ME EVEN MORE!
• Your job issue
• Your weight issue and our eroding affection level

Credit where it’s due:

• You’re good with money
• You’re a fantastic mother
• You try to please me (but get frustrated too quickly when I criticise)
• You’re a very good dauther-in-law
• You’re reliable
• You make my hobbies possible

It doesn't look good, right?