I'm exhausted from the constant snapping, rudeness and lack of appreciation. How do I make it better?

[RainOnTheTent]

There are two of my husband. He lives for weeks, sometimes a month or so as one person and then a switch flicks and he becomes the other for a similar amount of time.

Husband one is ok and I love him to bits. The kids adore him and he can be brilliant with them but husband two is vile.

Husband two is rude, snappy and aggressive (in manner and tone) to me and the DCs. Rarely says thank you, rarely concentrates on us, what we are doing or planning or gives us his undivided attention. He huffs loudly at complete strangers for doing minor things like inadvertently stepping in his path. Raises his arms in a gesture of "what the fuck" rather than one of "would you mind moving please" if a car or cyclists have blocked his way or done something without thinking. Flies off the handle with snapped responses with no need always taking things the wrong (negative) way. He never acknowledges the contribuion I make. Acts like he hates or disagrees with the very air that I breathe. He tells the DCs off for poor behaviour yet he models the most awful example. Muttering "Jesus Christ" loudly and clearly at the slightest thing that annoys him or constantly looking at his phone even when we are having some family time.

I just want a loving pair of arms round me (in addition to those of my children) and a heart felt compliment and a kind word or two every now and again.

When he chooses to be husband one all will be well but we have no say as to when that will be. Husband two has been here for many weeks and I am on my knees. Please be kind as I'm not up to harsh replies.

OP, let me give you a perspective from the an adult child raised in a similar family situation

My father was just like this all through my childhood. He had anger issues and treated my mother like shit. I would take ages to list all the ways in which he ruined my childhood. By making his kids a laughing stock in the neighbourhood with his ridiculous tantrums, never feeling secure enough to bring friends home, getting abuse from him because I was the only one in the family who refused to be nice just because he chose to be nice on that particular day.

Today, my parents are still married. He has not changed one iota and never took any responsibility for the fact that he drove his children away. He still rages that the world has it in for him, and takes it out on my mother. I am virtually no contact with either of them. I hate my father but any respect for my mother died a long time ago as she chose her relationship with him over the emotional well being of her children and i can never forgive that.

if you say you will never end your marriage then you have signed up for a lifetime of this, and he knows it.

Your children will vote with their feet one day, and you will be left just you and him. Does that thought appeal to you ?

I told my mother all this a few years ago when she was expressing confusion as to why I never visited. She just shrugged her shoulders like she had no say in the matter and never did, such was/is her investment in this abusive man.

Don't let that be you. You can stop this. But not by looking for reasons for how he behaves as he does, nor by accepting any responsibility for it.

It would be wise to start your own thread, Schnullerbacke, so posters can stick to focusing on the OP in this one.

tell him that him "reacting less" to all your and everyone elses supposed triggers, yet seething inside, is not a solution. Yes of course its better if he stops acting like a prick to everyone for 2 weeks out of the month or whatver it is, but he seems to be pretty good at telling you its your fault, but without telling you what it is he thinks youre actually doing wrong.

You are right BOFster but I really just wanted to show the OP how men like these blame everyone else but them. I might start my own thread one day, reading with interest what everyone advises Rain....

schnuller that sounds grim. What a patronising tosspot. I am on your behalf.
Please do start your own thread so we can help and/or visit the EA thread in relationships. They are a brilliant source of support and validation.

Anyfucker- that rings bells with me too (not personally- a close friend's family). The mother basically saw her role as behaving like the Virgin Mary interceding with God on her children's behalf, rather than standing up to the bully and getting them out of there. As a result, my friend acted out so much they were in and out of the care system as a teenager, and although the father is dead now, they still barely see the mother because of the resentment, and she has a very limited relationship with her grandchildren. These situations echo down the generations.

Schnuller, im not surprised shes not feeling particularly affectionate with that long list of criticisms

The most important thing I'm taking from this thread is... change your MN password/name! You need a space to think and chat, and it wouldn't be at all helpful if he read this thread.

I have a husband who can be a bit Jekyll and Hyde, but is different in several ways- he's mostly lovely with the odd nasty time esp. when depressed; I have told him if he's horrible for more than a day or two, I will leave him, I'm not going through the nastiness of his year long depression again; he does make a big effort to modify his behaviour if he's a bit snappy as I point it out. That doesn't mean I always like him when he's horrible, just as I don't think he likes me very much when I am stressy and shouty.

I think the key difference is though, we both feel able to point out when the other one is out of order and we both expect each other to moderate our worst sides (we both have tempers and can both be quite difficult).

Not that I am holding my relationship up as a template at all as it's not.

Hope you get some thinking done inbetween the school run etc.

my acting out didn't get that bad, BOF, but there are definitely huge mistakes I made as a young woman that I attribute directly to the malign influence of growing up with a deeply dysfunctional father figure

Interesting post AnyFucker. So why didn't you play ball as a child and why did you refuse to be nice when he was? Were you not longing for a 'normal' period?

schnulr, as a younger child (maybe 0-8 or so) of course I went along with the nice/nasty cycle

kids do...they modify their behaviour, they walk on eggshells, they long for "nice daddy" to come back, they even blame themselves when he doesn't, they virtually live for the crumbs of normal parent interaction that are thrown their way (this is defined as emotional abuse, btw)

but what happened to me was as I grew older, saw how other parents were, started to form my own opinions, started asking myself "hang on, is this fair, I haven't done anything to deserve this", started gettig pissed off with how everything hung on what sort of mood he was in and how he expected me to simply turn my resentment at this off like a tap I just stopped

gradually our parent/child relationship was completely eroded. Al of this was his fault, not mine. he was the adult in this situation, he takes all the responsibility in my opinion

the defining moment I think was when the family were looking to move house. My parents had planned some viewings and when I put my coat on to attend he said "she's not coming is she...it will cramp my style"

a small thing, in the big picture, but defining nevertheless

my mother said "of course she is coming, she is a member of this family too" but the damage getting to that point was already done. And of course, it was later brushed over as nothing

but that is not nothing to a child

I need 'like' buttons for your posts here, AF. I recognise so much.

I know, gallic. I think we have "chatted" about it before. or you have seen me banging on about it before, one or the other...

OP ring women's aid; 0808 2000 247, They're very good with helping with exit strategies.

Rights of women; 020 7251 6577, are amazing for legal advice lines are open Mon-Thur 7-9pm and Fri 12-2pm.

Your DH, sounds abusive to me, I'd not bother with the submitted wife thing or whatever, he will find reasons to continue to be angry at you and blame you for everything, the more submissive and passive you become the more he'll increase his demands of you. You cannot live a life forever walking on eggshells.

Your life sounds exactly like mine was, I did divorce him. And altho it wasn't the easiest decision to make or live with, I could not live in that marriage, no difficulty I experienced afterwards was anywhere near as bad as being faced with a prospect of a lifetime of living with that kind of man.

Are you physically safe OP?

Also go speak to your GP about your concerns RE your husband, maybe se/he can shed some light on it for you?

AF your parents sound very like some neighbours when I was growing up. Poor wife was so conditioned she would not disagree with him if he said the grass was pink. He was a horrible imposing nasty man. I often remember her crying in the garden. Thankfully nowadays its much easier for women to access the help they need to leave.
I do agree that the OPs husband sounds abusive and manipulative.

I don't think my mother ever cried in the garden. She did acquire an addiction to major tranquillizers though.

I reckon she got to that point by following the kind of advice like "just do everything he says and see if it helps" (as given rather ignorantly upthread)

it would take heavy medication to do that for years on end, I am sure

My friend's mum was on tranquillisers too

I'm on chocolates...

Schnuller , your list left me reeling. It has a horrible, hectoring tone: and it's all about how you perform, as if you were a seal, or a domestic appliance.
I hope you will feel able start a thread some time.

Rain, this thread and the links at the top might be helpful while you gather your thoughts (as mentioned by mink last night)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2155666-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships-30

Schnuller, I hope I didn't sound too brusque to you earlier- my apologies. I misread your post and thought you were the husband, and I didn't want to see the thread get derailed .

My ex would say to me "if you'd just do what I say we'd be fine". I spent a decade swithering between trying to be myself and trying to do what he said so that we'd be fine. We were not fine as nothing I did was ever enough, and my trying got to ridiculous levels.

You cannot fix this, you cannot fix him, and you have every right (and arguably, responsibility) to walk away from it. I walked away when I was pregnant with DC2, and we weren't married (I hadn't sufficiently proved myself to be fit to be his wife) so he had all the assets.

Best thing I ever did, but it took years to feel like I had myself back. My only regret is not doing it a lot sooner.

OP, I hope you do find the courage to do what you need to do. He's made it clear he has no intention of changing and I odubt that he has the ability to change, anyhow. His tone is one of a petulant child. If a decade and a half of marriage and of fatherhood haven't got him past that stage, it's never going to happen.

So long as you're absolutely sure he wont escalate and you're safe, the best thing you can do while you work out what to do next (and make sure you have lots of loose ends tied up and documents in a safe place) is disengage. No more texting or pleading. You're just going to keep in getting the same answers because you're not living up to the impossible standards of perfection that he expects from you.

If it really was you and your fault, I'm pretty sure he would have left of his own volition, by now. It speaks volumes that he would sooner stick around and constantly gripe at a woman he finds so irksome than get the hell out of there. He can't prod and poke at you and direct so much ire towards you, if he's not there.

Aye I saw that rather silly advice. Just dance on the eggshells and don't break any and HE will be happy. He wouldn't have allowed her tranquillisers, he wouldn't even allow her give birth anywhere but home. My mother told me years later that she used to leave painkillers in her peg basket. I have spoke of her on here before.
Sorry for the slight derail OP but honestly if you stay with him you will regret it. Being nice to your wife isn't some huge big undertaking that he's making it out to be.

There's not a possibility that this could be bipolar disorder rather than plain depression, is there? Some people with bipolar get irritable in the manic phase. It's not uncommon for people with bipolar to be misdiagnosed as depressed. Antidepressants can make bipolar mania worse. Has it gotten worse since he went on the antidepressants? If it is bipolar, talking to him when he's in the irritable/manic phase isn't going to do much good. You'll need to talk to him when he's not like that.