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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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I'm exhausted from the constant snapping, rudeness and lack of appreciation. How do I make it better?

242 replies

RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 20:16

There are two of my husband. He lives for weeks, sometimes a month or so as one person and then a switch flicks and he becomes the other for a similar amount of time.

Husband one is ok and I love him to bits. The kids adore him and he can be brilliant with them but husband two is vile.

Husband two is rude, snappy and aggressive (in manner and tone) to me and the DCs. Rarely says thank you, rarely concentrates on us, what we are doing or planning or gives us his undivided attention. He huffs loudly at complete strangers for doing minor things like inadvertently stepping in his path. Raises his arms in a gesture of "what the fuck" rather than one of "would you mind moving please" if a car or cyclists have blocked his way or done something without thinking. Flies off the handle with snapped responses with no need always taking things the wrong (negative) way. He never acknowledges the contribuion I make. Acts like he hates or disagrees with the very air that I breathe. He tells the DCs off for poor behaviour yet he models the most awful example. Muttering "Jesus Christ" loudly and clearly at the slightest thing that annoys him or constantly looking at his phone even when we are having some family time.

I just want a loving pair of arms round me (in addition to those of my children) and a heart felt compliment and a kind word or two every now and again.

When he chooses to be husband one all will be well but we have no say as to when that will be. Husband two has been here for many weeks and I am on my knees. Please be kind as I'm not up to harsh replies.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 01/03/2015 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 01/03/2015 23:23

Has he ever had therapy alongside his ads ?
Could you get him to see his therapist ? If it's external things as well as at home that get these reactions...
Get him to go back to gp and discuss his dosage. Have they changed to a generic brand ? Is he actually taking his ads ?

Read "depression fall out " as was suggested .
Have you seen a counsellor yourself ?
Where do you see yourself in five years time ? Putting up with the bad bits for the sake of having the good guy some of the time ?

You cannot keep tying yourself in knots trying to make him happy just by going about day to day life. Decide what your boundaries are. What is acceptable behaviour/response for each "crime". ? Kid slams door what is appropriate reaction ?

He says you antagonise him just by being you...suggest he takes a break... Has he friends or family he could go stay with for a break ? I bet he turns round and says "no you go you are the problem not me .." (My ex always found a way to blame me for everything. )

RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 23:23

how are you feeling?

My stomach is in knots and I feel very sad and scared.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 01/03/2015 23:23

He is determined to put his awful behaviour on you isn't he?

To use his logic, it is a solution for him to move out as he is saying you are the reason he behaves as he does so therefore if he is away from you he won't be antagonised and will be happy won't he?

GallicIsCharlie · 01/03/2015 23:23

FFS, poor you Flowers

I took a sleeping pill half an hour ago. I've got to log off. You might consider reporting your thread for a move to Relationships?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 01/03/2015 23:29

gallic in sorry I've offended you but thats my experience of it. My mother could be fine for days and then a different persona would creep over her. I'm not saying all depression sufferers are like this - but my mother was, lots of accounts I've read have been like this and the op husband sounds like this.

Many people believe that if they devorced their spouse there life would be better. Then when they are dervorced they are down because of the devorce when in fact they have been depressed along. I think a lot more people are depressed and the don't even know it.

emotionsecho · 01/03/2015 23:30

If I were you I would stick to the request for him to move out temporarily so you can both have some time to think.

Agree he, or both of you, should go back to the GP and discuss the situation if possible.

Maybe suggest that after the week apart you could consider couples counselling, but only if both of you want to otherwise it won't be of any benefit.

I think you need to be apart from each other at the moment as this is not a healthy atmosphere for your children or you.

cestlavielife · 01/03/2015 23:31

What was his diagnosis that had him take ads ?
Does he go back for review ?
You could go to your gp and say you having hard time dealing with his (diagnosis eg depression ) and access some counselling yourself...having someone professional talk it thru with you might help you see where to go from here . You could also read Lundy Bancroft as some might fit and might be helpful to see more clearly.. This thing where he suggests that if you tried harder it would all be fine... There are no guarantees tho are there ? You might realise that whatever you do it won't make him happy... Setting your boundaries might help.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 01/03/2015 23:32

op none of this is you. It must be really hard for you. Flowers

nannyj · 01/03/2015 23:33

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you have any support in real life? I think if he leaves it will give you both breathing space but I know if he doesn't want to it will take a lot of strength from you to make him. You sound so worn down by it all and he is relying on that so he gets his own way. He wants the status quo to stay as it is because he likes it.

I hope the support you're getting here is helping you. Flowers

RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 23:36

The support and advice here is really helping thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Iwasinamandbunit · 01/03/2015 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emotionsecho · 01/03/2015 23:39

You say you're exhausted and you sound it Rain, if you continue like this you will be ill, please don't let it get that far.

Boomf · 01/03/2015 23:52

Listen to me - his behaviour is nothing to do with depression or hunger or being sad or being stressed or his meds being wrong or you being so awful to be around

His behaviour is because he is ABUSIVE. He verbally and emotionally abuses his wife and children. He WILL NOT change

You must stop trying to make excuses for him. You're being very brave. Please don't let your children grow up with this dynamic being modelled as 'normal'. You've told him you want him to go- stick to this. Who the fuck does he think he is? Of course he won't WANT to go will he? Far easier to stay and abuse you further whilst enjoying all his home comforts

This is HIS fault and his doing. And it's showing your kids that this is how their father treats their mother

Don't be the woman who puts up with this . Make the choice to get rid of this twat. I can guarantee you that you'll see husband one back again as soon as he realises you mean business

Google the cycle of abuse

Boomf · 01/03/2015 23:53

Oh and get this moved to the relationships topic. It's not helpful for you to be told that the poor man is treating you like shit because he's depressed

RainOnTheTent · 01/03/2015 23:57

He's the latest and thank you for reading and sticking with me. I hope you see I am trying to incorporate your advice Flowers

Him - That doesn't sound like a solution. That's a separation. And again just proves that you cannot see yourself having any fault in this. I know I am not perfect. That's normal. Scarily you don't realise you are not.

Me - I know you are determined to put your awful behaviour on to me.

To use that logic, it is a solution for you to move out as you are saying I am the reason you behave as you do. So therefore if you are away from me you won't be antagonised and will be happy won't you.

Him - I am not putting it all down to you. You however are putting it all down to me.

Me - I am putting the atmosphere and awful behaviour down to you. (Or down to a depression or other mood disorder.) your extreme reactions to all sorts of things are not ok. If you don't wish to acknowledge that and address that then I can't make you. However if that is the case then I need a separation as its not fair on me or the children to be around it. If you want to also consider counselling then I would go together if you wanted to. But that is as well as not instead of the other decision.

Him - Wow. I suggested counselling years ago and you were dead against it. What changed? I have said I will reduce my reactions.

Me - Lots has changed. I am in a situation that is likely to have a long term and damaging effect on our children. It's v late now and with work and school tomorrow I am going to leave it for tonight but you told me I had to come up with the solution. Here it is...
I am putting the atmosphere and awful behaviour down to you. (Or down to a depression or other mood disorder.) your extreme reactions to all sorts of things are not ok. If you don't wish to acknowledge that and address that then I can't make you. However if that is the case then I need a separation as its not fair on me or the children to be around it. If you want to also consider counselling then I would go together if you wanted to. But that is as well as not instead of the other decision.

That won't change. This needs addressing. If not for you or for me, for the DC.

Him I will change my reactions. I will keep the atmosphere happy. Everything else is up to you.

OP posts:
RainOnTheTent · 02/03/2015 00:00

I should say we have been married 15 years this is not some 5 minute relationship. We have 3 DC (14, 10 & 6)

OP posts:
RainOnTheTent · 02/03/2015 00:01

What do I say/do now?

OP posts:
Boomf · 02/03/2015 00:02

Oh stop engaging with this nonsense. You're going round in circles. You don't need to explain anything further to him. Tell him you wish to separate and you no longer wish to discuss the ins and outs of your perceived shortcomings

Boomf · 02/03/2015 00:04

This is not a court of law! You do not have to 'prove' anything as concrete

It is simple . You are unhappy. You dislike his behaviour. You have no desire to discuss or accept blame for his behaviour . You wish him to moe out and you'll then both have some space to consider the future

Tell him to get bent

Ilooklikeawhale · 02/03/2015 00:06

If you want to work things out, it could be really helpful to see a couple councillor? I have very similar issues with DH and having someone external involved has helped me to explain the impact his behaviour is having on me without going into a huge argument. He is now seeing someone to work on his own issues, it will not be a quick process but him acknowledging the issue is already a huge step forward.

CurlyWurlyCake · 02/03/2015 00:06

I agree with the last town posts by boomf he is forcing you to make the final move so he can say you started all of this.

He is redirecting any responsibility onto your shoulders

Leeloo01 · 02/03/2015 00:07

Rain - I have PM'd you as I can chat by message for a little while if you are still up.

CurlyWurlyCake · 02/03/2015 00:07

Town = two and now three!

RainOnTheTent · 02/03/2015 00:08

google the cycle of abuse

Oh my god. This is EXACTLY how it is.

OP posts: