I'm exhausted from the constant snapping, rudeness and lack of appreciation. How do I make it better?

[RainOnTheTent]

There are two of my husband. He lives for weeks, sometimes a month or so as one person and then a switch flicks and he becomes the other for a similar amount of time.

Husband one is ok and I love him to bits. The kids adore him and he can be brilliant with them but husband two is vile.

Husband two is rude, snappy and aggressive (in manner and tone) to me and the DCs. Rarely says thank you, rarely concentrates on us, what we are doing or planning or gives us his undivided attention. He huffs loudly at complete strangers for doing minor things like inadvertently stepping in his path. Raises his arms in a gesture of "what the fuck" rather than one of "would you mind moving please" if a car or cyclists have blocked his way or done something without thinking. Flies off the handle with snapped responses with no need always taking things the wrong (negative) way. He never acknowledges the contribuion I make. Acts like he hates or disagrees with the very air that I breathe. He tells the DCs off for poor behaviour yet he models the most awful example. Muttering "Jesus Christ" loudly and clearly at the slightest thing that annoys him or constantly looking at his phone even when we are having some family time.

I just want a loving pair of arms round me (in addition to those of my children) and a heart felt compliment and a kind word or two every now and again.

When he chooses to be husband one all will be well but we have no say as to when that will be. Husband two has been here for many weeks and I am on my knees. Please be kind as I'm not up to harsh replies.

Rain couples therapy is strongly advised against in cases of DA. It will make it worse.

Please read what Bancroft says about therapy. If you go with him he will use it to get at you. If he goes alone he will just be a happier more well adjusted abuser.

i would recommend you go to counselling alone. For yourself. To help you discuss how you feel without him there telling you what you feel.

The we are both abusive tack is another classic abuse tactic. There you go he has admitted it though after a fashion. "We could both be the abuser". So he is admitting his behaviour could be construed as abuse. (It is). But in classic abuserr style he is insisting you take half the blame.

it is the same with therapy. They try to get you to meet in the middle/compromise. But in a rs where one person is the abuser meeting them half way means they ahree to be a bit less abusive and you agree to put up with being abused a bit and/or to provoke them less

This is his problem.
you are allowed to leave your marriage either temporarily or permanently if you are unhappy.
you do not have to stand by him while je sorts out his issues nor do you have to go back to him even if he dors

mink is right about going to therapy together. He will make use of it to get at you and justify himself.

'We are equally abusive' is indeed a line taken by aggressors who don't really want to admit their role, and victims who greatly overstate theirs.

Unfortunately, once a controlling person has been made aware of the dynamics and language of abuse (he mentioned the 'cycle of abuse' in his email) it becomes another weapon. So it might be helpful for you to explore your options alone in counselling, if you choose, so you can discuss matters with a neutral party. But if he truly wants to get help, he has to do the work for himself, and attend alone.

I am in a similar situation, except the flip side. DW is the angry - and scarily so when she explodes - half the time, and can go back and forth between Wife One and Wife Two like that in an instant. Always mad at something or the other, doesn't matter whether it's minor (car cut us off) or major.

I am constantly worried, always trying to protect myself (and my 6-year old DD) and creating coping mechanisms. After a long time, it finally clicked that it's a control thing.

I asked to go to counselling several times, only to be told to bugger off and that it never works, and that I need to listen and change.

TryingHard, the advice given to women here applies to you too. Keep a diary of events, texts etc and speak to someone - maybe your GP. You do not need dd living with this - do you want her living a life of 'coping strategies'?

Don't worry about the couples counselling - if she feels the need to control then she'd be using that to control you too. You could go on your own though.

It sounds like it might be helpful to think of him like the stereotypical moody teenager, thats how his latest behaviour sounds to me.
Hes utterly self-centered, throws a massive strop and dramatically "leaves forever!" (the passports, clothes missing) when things dont go his way, and complains to his friends how "God, my mum is so ANNOYING, everything is always MY FAULT, maybe I should just KILL MYSELF". He makes one "follow the letter but not the spirit" change in his language and then gets angry that you dont praise him up, down and sideways for it.

You cant stop teenagers or him acting like that or make them see what they cant/wont see, all you can control is how you react to it. What tactics work with them? You have to let them go, keep reasonably stating expectations and consequences and follow through on them. Theyve stropped off to teach you a lesson about how important they are and have now stropped back to see if it worked? Fine, but you dont want to speak to them or see them right now, what they said/did hurt you and that wasnt forgotten just because they left.

The important thing to think on though is that this is who they are. Any change would take serious serious work from them and would be slow, and you might decide its better for you and the children if you are not his long-suffering captive audience until that process is not only started but finished. If he turns into Mr I See What I Did Now Wonderful in 3, 4, 5 years time then who knows? Maybe you could reconcile and get remarried. But until then, what youre getting is what you all will continue to get.

Good to know he thinks not hitting someone with a baseball bat means he has no anger issues.

I think his explanation of the cyclist thing to the psychotherapist makes him look completely bonkers btw.

Does anyone else think it was delusional and angry in its own right?

...it was the baseball bat imagery and the idea that if he hadn't actually got out of the car and started whacking the proverbial bad cyclist, then he can't have an anger problem, can he? Erm...

I know Poppy. He's also talking about not running cyclists over as a good thing.
What a relief.

phew - not just me then!

Yes, I found his email disturbing too. Not only for the "as yet" he hasn't run the cyclists down or battered them, but a number of additional reasons. I've had to re-read it and think about what they are. One really obvious thing is that he says "Come round a corner and there they are." You are supposed to drive round blind corners as if you expect a major hazard the other side. He has to brake & swerve. His anti-cyclist anger, therefore, is all about him demanding an open road so that he may drive as he pleases (inexpertly) and losing his rag when his error causes him an inconvenience. He's "frustrated by other people doing stupid things", implying that other people are responsible for his reactions.

There's also the fact that only one line out of seven is about the relationship - the first six are about cyclists! This is what small children and abusers do: focus on a single instance to distract from the overall issue. Once they feel they've demolished the partial argument, they consider the matter resolved although they haven't actually addressed it.

In the single line about his relationship, he blames his partner equally with no supporting evidence, despite having devoted himself to an example of his own unreasonableness.

I've been wondering how you're doing, Rain?

I did wonder about the email too. Did the psychotherapist actually reply to that email because imo a pyschotherapist that took a patient's word for it that they don't have AM issues is at least not very thorough.

If I received that email I'd be a bit

Mink, they suggested he see a relationship counsellor and come back if that counsellor identified anger problems. Tactful!

Agreed, Poppy. Barely contained rage and pomposity was what came across to me from that email. Plus a high degree of self absorption. No counsellor really needs to hear your detailed view of Highway Code offences before you've even booked an appointment ...

I guess the message was partly intended for you, Rain.

I agree so much with what you all say about his e mail. I thought just the same (although you have articulated it better than my head did!). I also agree it was partly for my benefit.

We are now in limbo as they said see a therapist but he's not done anything about that. I have found someone that sounds good from the link you gave me but have not given it to him as the advice is HE must want to do it. I can't see how therapy would help if he just goes and tells them it's me that has the problem!

He forwarded the message, asking him if HE felt he had these issues, to me with a sarcastic note saying "I thought they were meant to tell me whether I did or not!"

He made a bit of an effort yesterday but more with bring civil to me than real warmth. Then there was awkward huffing and complaining out load to nobody specific) when there wasn't anyone to serve him at the garden centre cafe food ordering point. Staff were all rushing about flat out, it was so busy, but he was fuming as they had a "food ordering" sign by one part of the counter but nobody waiting to take his order. Not great but rather than politely ask to speak to the manager or ask if he should wait or something He huffed and puffed and made snide comments designed to be heard. Poor staff working flat out probably for minimum wage - hardly their fault yet surely only reason to do that is to make them feel bad.

I feel a bit better as he's not being so bitterly evil like he was when I staryed this thread but it's just an easier part of tjr cycle isn't it?

Perhaps I shoyld give him the therapist contact details then send the therapist the link to this thread!

The

Please don't waste your life living like this Rain, he's not going to change, he doesn't want to, he enjoys it too much, he likes the fact that you're in turmoil.

His pleasure at witnessing your discomfort means he won't leave, so for the sake of you and your children you will have to take the initiative.

Could you go and see a solicitor and talk through your options?

In all of his reasons and communications he has never said he wants to address these issues because he loves you, doesn't want to make you unhappy, doesn't want to hurt or upset you or the children, can't bear the thought of losing you. It's all about him playing the misunderstood victim and paying the mortgage.

It's exhausting, and ultimately futile, to try to get another person to change.

Let it go, you are hurting yourself.