I'm exhausted from the constant snapping, rudeness and lack of appreciation. How do I make it better?

[RainOnTheTent]

There are two of my husband. He lives for weeks, sometimes a month or so as one person and then a switch flicks and he becomes the other for a similar amount of time.

Husband one is ok and I love him to bits. The kids adore him and he can be brilliant with them but husband two is vile.

Husband two is rude, snappy and aggressive (in manner and tone) to me and the DCs. Rarely says thank you, rarely concentrates on us, what we are doing or planning or gives us his undivided attention. He huffs loudly at complete strangers for doing minor things like inadvertently stepping in his path. Raises his arms in a gesture of "what the fuck" rather than one of "would you mind moving please" if a car or cyclists have blocked his way or done something without thinking. Flies off the handle with snapped responses with no need always taking things the wrong (negative) way. He never acknowledges the contribuion I make. Acts like he hates or disagrees with the very air that I breathe. He tells the DCs off for poor behaviour yet he models the most awful example. Muttering "Jesus Christ" loudly and clearly at the slightest thing that annoys him or constantly looking at his phone even when we are having some family time.

I just want a loving pair of arms round me (in addition to those of my children) and a heart felt compliment and a kind word or two every now and again.

When he chooses to be husband one all will be well but we have no say as to when that will be. Husband two has been here for many weeks and I am on my knees. Please be kind as I'm not up to harsh replies.

I've now said to him...

Everything I do antagonises you. Cyclists antagonise you, other motorists antagonise you, the DCs antagonise you.... I know you think that this isn't an indication that there is a problem but truly when your reactions are such, it is. It must be horrid for you feeling so antagonised so much of the time. x

His reply was:

Cyclists who ride 3 wide across country lanes in direct contravention of the Highway Code and likely to get hit by a car antagonise me. Single file. Couldn't care less. Children that continually shout scream and slam doors antagonise me. When not doing so they do not. As evidenced by lunch. By building robots. By doing homework this morning. By watching top gear this evening. You antagonise me when you have to argue every stupid little point or phrase. Just so you are better or cleverer. I am antagonised by things that are antagonistic in their nature. Not just because.

When I then asked him to suggest a solution as he didn't agree with my suggestion he replied...
I will see the doctor. I will dose myself into a zombie. It won't help because the problem isn't me. But if that is what will make you happy. At least that way you won't have to admit to any of it being your fault.

I've read your suggestions about carrying on with life for a bit whilst making no demands on his time, no requests etc. Can you elaborate? I will give this a try. How do I approach the change as far as the DCs are concerned? Do I just do everything I'd usually ask him to help with? Clear up stuff he's had out etc? Not ask for anything at all. What if DS2 wants him to read to her at bedtime or something?

I think you have your answer OP.

What are you going to do about it?

What's my answer? Help me please.

I've asked him to suggest what would form a good solution as he doesn't agree with my suggestion of GP visit. He's telling me "why should I" and to look at myself and ME come up with a solution.

He needs a break. Why don't you suggest he has a complete break from family life for a short time and goes to live somewhere else to recharge his batteries. AND SEE WHETHER IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE. As he is convinced it is you and the kids and cyclists it might be better if he takes a break from all of it. Check him into a Premier Inn. Give him permission.

Stop commenting on his behaviour (unless he is mean to kids) for a short while. Just say nothing. Be all sympathetic and lovey dovey. And just see what happens. He may genuinely be in a state of collapse and trying to reason with him or bring him to his senses will make no difference and make him feel worse much worse.

I do mean it. If he was a woman and behaving like this posters might think he should be given some space. It sounds as if he is genuinely in distress. Have you asked him why he is feeling so unhappy? Has anyone asked him what he is feeling? Would that make a difference?

I think you need to leave. My mum spent years trying to fix my dad and really unless he wants to, no amount of pills will help. The constant highs and lows of your relationship are abusive and his way of controlling you. When you get nice husband back you are so relieved that life seems doubly fantastic but then the cycle starts again.

I grew up having to make life easier for my dad because of his problems and my needs weren't met emotionally at all. All my memories as a child are bad ones. I know there were good times but I have no memory of them. It's incredibly damaging to grow up like that. You may think you shield your kids from it I know my mum certainly thought she did but it's impossible to. You absolutely can't fix him he has to admit there is a problem and seek help and therapy. He won't suddenly wake up one day and be changed into the husband number 1. He can't keep up the pretence. You may wake up to it in the future but will have wasted years too.

Sorry to be so blunt but it's something I would never wish another child to go through what my brother and I had to.

He's said very clearly what he's feeling! He feels like the entire world should operate to his rules, doing & being exactly what he wants when he wants it. He feels entitled to go off on one when (astonishingly) the world forgets to check with him first.

I do agree that offering him a complete break away from family life's a good idea. You can use this time to get your ducks in a nice row, OP.

Full marks to him for clarity, though. If all short-tempered control freaks were this direct, the Relationships board would be an easier read.

it's something I would never wish another child to go through

And how! Thanks to my mother being besotted with Husband 1, we've all had lifelong ishoos to deal with and our relationships have all been buggered. It's no way to raise an innocent being.

I never ever ask dh to do anything that he doesn't think to do himself. If dd wants to ask him for a story let her ask him directly with the disclaimer - if you don't feel up to it I will do it no problem.
It's quite odd idea that you would ask a grown man to clear up something. Surely he either clears it up or he doesn't? Sometimes I clear up dh's mess - sometimes he clears up mine. It doesn't seem to be a question of asking the other to do anything unless it is already agreed that we share those tasks and it has happened loads of times that we share those tasks. The house belongs to both of us. If he wants to read a book or go on the computer he always says I am just reading a book or going on the computer - he is not trying to sneak off and shirk his responsibilities. Maybe you need to be more upfront about what you want from him day to day. Story at bedtime. Load the dw at supper. Whatever. But not random requests ifysim? Dh hates that too. He feels like he never gets a break from demands. So he tries to make it more predictable and ordered? I know when he is going to help. And he still offers help on occasion if I need it. And dh is quite a shorttempered person who says Jesus Christ a lot.

Same with bedtime and reading - dh knows to put the children to bed - if he didn't "know" I wouldn't ask him out of the blue. It is something you slowly come to an agreement on. One parent isn't always giving the other instructions.

Could you sit down and ask him (when he is in a better mood - not now) if he feels he does too much and what would he like to do?

So can I just clarify...

I can't leave as I need to be here for the DCs so should I suggest he go to a Premier Inn. That's £450 upwards for 7 days OR do the carry on but ask absolutely nothing of him? He's told me to suggest the solution and I want to give the best reply. If I say go to the hotel then what happens at the end of 7 days?

I'm that foul if I eat something I'm allergic to. But I don't eat it. The last time I ate a small amount of it I was really horrid to someone that I love a lot, and realised this afterwards and had to apologise. So, I have not eaten any of it since (even though it's something I crave). So this was something that could have had a really bad effect (whether as bad I don't know!) but it has been me that does something about it - I don't expect everyone to tiptoe around me when I eat some.

Op he sounds depressed, people can be an utter cunt when depressed and they blame very one else.

Read depression fall out, it's a real eye opener. It's talks of the damage of what it can do to families when it has a grip of some one. He sounds like he despises you and then goes through phases when his depression isn't so bad - things get better for a while. Right now you will have sole responsibility for every thing wrong in his life

your post up thread about having to ruin yours and your dc lives because you won't leave - I thought was really sad. My mother was always Ill with depression. My whole child hood was blighted by her horrible mood swings snd she crucified my step father. Myself and my db are NC with her now. You might be willing to forsake your whole life being with some one ill that takes his shit out in everyone but you shouldn't expect your kids too. I left to live with my nan at nine years old snd what a relief that was.

I don't want to give the impression that life is perfect chez Swan on the sharing tasks front and understanding each other's moods - oh no. We have constant battles over decluttering which dh hates. But someone who never tells you are wonderful and tells you everything is your fault - that is aggression and aggression is a very frightening thing even if it stems from anxiety. Whether in man or woman.

swan I really don't think that's the case here at all. This isnt a petulant man child who doesn't like to be asked to move his own friggin plate.

rain are there not any cheap B&Bs?

Unfortunately if he is in a depression and it certainly sounds like classic depression to me he won't get better until he gets the medication sorted out. Can you make an appointment to see his doctor yourself and tell him what you suspect. You could try to take all pressure off him for a while. Premier Inn doesn't sound practical but maybe he needs a room to escape to where he can have some peace.

Joyfull, I have chronic, severe clinical depression. My meds aren't working well at the moment. I do not go around snarling at everyone. How insulting that you think depression's an excuse for nastiness. Gloominess, yes. Self-hatred, yes. Cynicism & pessimism, classic symptoms.

But nastiness is a symptom of nastiness.

I've just said...

Ok, if it's on me then...
I can't carry on like this and I don't think it's fair on the children, even if if I could bear it for longer. If you truly think that I am the problem and that your reactions are normal and justified I think we will have to be apart. I need to be here for the children so I suggest you check into a cheap premier inn for 7 days and then review it.

Please stick with me. Here is his response...

That doesn't sound like a solution. That's a separation. And again just proves that you cannot see yourself having any fault in this. I know I am not perfect. That's normal. Scarily you don't realise you are not.

What a good reply! It is strong, reasonable and clear. How are you feeling?

Jeez, he's determined to keep on having a go, isn't he?

So he doesn't want to check out, he just wants to keep telling you how awful you are.

Twat.

And he's just come up and gone to sleep in the spare room.

What do I say now?