I'm exhausted from the constant snapping, rudeness and lack of appreciation. How do I make it better?

[RainOnTheTent]

There are two of my husband. He lives for weeks, sometimes a month or so as one person and then a switch flicks and he becomes the other for a similar amount of time.

Husband one is ok and I love him to bits. The kids adore him and he can be brilliant with them but husband two is vile.

Husband two is rude, snappy and aggressive (in manner and tone) to me and the DCs. Rarely says thank you, rarely concentrates on us, what we are doing or planning or gives us his undivided attention. He huffs loudly at complete strangers for doing minor things like inadvertently stepping in his path. Raises his arms in a gesture of "what the fuck" rather than one of "would you mind moving please" if a car or cyclists have blocked his way or done something without thinking. Flies off the handle with snapped responses with no need always taking things the wrong (negative) way. He never acknowledges the contribuion I make. Acts like he hates or disagrees with the very air that I breathe. He tells the DCs off for poor behaviour yet he models the most awful example. Muttering "Jesus Christ" loudly and clearly at the slightest thing that annoys him or constantly looking at his phone even when we are having some family time.

I just want a loving pair of arms round me (in addition to those of my children) and a heart felt compliment and a kind word or two every now and again.

When he chooses to be husband one all will be well but we have no say as to when that will be. Husband two has been here for many weeks and I am on my knees. Please be kind as I'm not up to harsh replies.

No couples counselling with a man who's manipulative and emotionally abusive! It won't work.

He wants you to accept blame for things you have not done which causes you to doubt yourself .

You know deep down that him leaving is the right thing for you and your children

Don't play his game! Disengage NOW. Do not pander to him by explaining yourself - you'll never be able to do so to his satisfaction

Disengage disengage. Stop texting. No more explaining.

Ok so I stop texting. Then what? What happens tomorrow? What do I do/say then? He clearly doesn't plan to leave. I feel like showing him that Cycle of Abuse diagram.

Gallic FFS how would being diabetic be relevant? I'm diabetic yet manage not to be an arsehole to my family.

Sorry OP but it does sound like your husbands not for changing. If you waited for the reappearance of the nicer side of this split do you think you would get a different/productive response?

The very worst thing you could do is show him the cycle of abuse . Trust me on this

Here's what you do ...

You message MNHQ and get this moved to relationships

You stop texting him

You behave normally at home for now and you stop taking about it

You make sure you have important documents in yor possession

You ask for advice over in relationships

Ok?

But you need to be clear in your mind what you want . Do not give away anything to him

And who gives a fuck what HE plans to do ? Of course he won't leave voluntarily . They never do

Just be normal for now. If you must tell him you're going to aim for harmony in the household and smile and nod

And make your plans on here with the women who will support you

I wish you well. Take care and good luck

Ok so I won't show him the diagram!

Happy to have the thread moved but think that would create an email reply notification from MNHQ and he has my e mail log in so don't want to risk him seeing that really. Not saying he checks my mail but I know he can.

Easy to say be clear in my mind what I want. I just want it all better. I want the nice guy back. BUT I am sick off the relentless awful vile behaviour over the last few weeks.

Ask someone on here to mail them and they'll move it

I know you want the nice guy back. I know how you feel because I've been there too. For quite a few years

I'm now married very happily to a wonderful man. My one regret is that I didn't take my actions sooner. Please don't waste more of your life I this idiot. You'll never regret the happy days to come but they'll come a lot sooner when you accept what your husband is

That conversation you had sounds really good. You expressed exactly what you wanted, and he agreed to go along with it.

The way he has been acting has not been making you happy. You've asked him to change. He's agreed to do what he can.

He is also very clearly indicating that the way you have been acting has not been making him happy. As he has agreed to do what he can to help you, maybe you could ask him what you could do to help him? That's reciprocal, equal and fair.

Ignore mamas advice!

I must sleep. Please get this moved so that you get proper advice from women who aren't all 'awwww poor little man '

Boomf you seem to feel so strongly that her husband is abusive without understanding the full story. You are in fact acting in a way that is controlling to the OP by telling her what to think, whose advice she can take etc. I understand you have had a past with this and I respect that, but it really looks like your emotions from your experience are so strong that you can't see there could be other possibilities. OPs got to decide for herself, it's her relationship and her husband.

Nope. You're wrong. I just don't believe in making excuses for men who act like arseholes towards their wives and children.

You obviously do believe in making excuses for them. We can hold different opinions of course
Yours just happens to be very male abuse apologist ( and no, I'm not a raging feminist )

He's just not listening and doesn't sound like he ever will, if he asks or mentions anything tomorrow morning whst do you think his reaction would be if you said you still want to him to go?

If he won't I think you seriously need to plan to leave with your children.

Whatever he says his reactions are extreme and his explanations are nonsensical, and now he is claiming he can control those ludicrous reactions to everyday minor irritations in order to maintain a 'happy' atmosphere, yet earlier he couldn't because they were so antagonistic it was reasonable to react the way he did???

An arch manipulator, whatever you do or don't do it will never be his fault, always yours or someone else's.

OP je sounds very like my ex.
You might find the EA thread helpful (sorry cannot link, on phone, but you will find it in relationships).

My advice would be to go flat. He wants you to say "it's not me" "what have I done" etc. So you are forced to justify yourself or to argue. (You have done brilliantly so far sticking to the point though - his behaviour his problem). Don't justify or engage. Go flat. Appear to accept it.

It is a classic tactic to try to get you to take half the blame. He will change if you will. But if your behaviour isn't unreasonable how are you meant to change it? He is setting you up to fail so he can behave how he likes. As you say, he can switch it on and off.

I let my x off with doing nothing to see if that helped. He loved it. I did everything. He did nothing. Nothing except still be a twat.

When he picks fault with you just stick to the line- you are right,this is not working so let's separate.

I suspect he won't change. Only he can change himself. But you are doing the only thing you can - making him see there are consequences so he must change and/or getting yourself and your dc out of a crappy situation.

I'm sorry, but I agree with boomf.

OP, of course you're not perfect and no doubt have faults.

But, that doesn't mean you have no right to feel that this has pushed you beyond what you can take.

I know this sounds glib - but I am recently divorced, and when I was going through it, I kept asking myself how I could justify leaving a nice guy like this? And I kept thinking how nice he was, and how he (like your DH) was constantly telling me how he'd work at a, b or c and I should meet him halfway.

That sounds like a compromise - and I know it felt like one to my ex-DH, who is a genuinely lovely guy - but, sadly, it wasn't enough for me, and it wasn't a real compromise. It was still doing everything on his terms, because he was the one who couldn't accept I was unhappy, as you are now.

What he is doing here, when he says he'll work on this thing, but you have to do the rest, is setting the terms of the debate. He's saying he won't respect your feelings, he'll insist you do things his way. So, the compromise he's offering may feel like a big one to him - but if it isn't enough for you, then you are allowed to say that.

I am not saying LTB. All I am saying is, if you wait for him to acknowledge you might have a point in all of this, you could be waiting forever. You do not have a duty to explain why you're unhappy in such a way that he agrees that feeling is rational. Of course it'd be lovely if you could. But, if you can't, you can't. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel that way.

By this I mean:
I would say to my x your behaviour is not acceptable.
Him: it's your fault
Me: ok let's split.
Him: but it is all your fault
Me: if you think that then we need to split.

Rinse repeat.
At this point he either has to admit it is him or else accept it is over.

(Hence why my x is my x. Wish i had realised much sooner instead of going round in circles. In the end he was hoist by his own argument)

Other posters are right he's setting the sgenda and controlling the outcome.

He keeps moving the goalposts and contradacting himself to manipulate the situation to justify his position and achieve his goal.

He reacts in an extreme fashion because it is reasonable to react that way to such deliberately antagonistic behaviour by other people - he doesn't have to react that way he will humble himself to keep a 'happy' atmosphere for you, look how he is prepared to emasculate himself just to please you but he has already put the caveat onto it that you won't appreciate this because you can't accept your share of the blame for his justifiable (to him) reactions.

He wants you to provide a solution, so you do and offer options to address the issues, but that's not the solution he wants so he is objects and gives you a fait accompli that he will change, but tells you that you won't so he can't be blamed when it doesn't work.

The only feelings that are valid to him are his own, he dismisses yours as how you feel is irrelevant to him, you've told him clearly and concisely what you think and what you want and he is ignoring you as that is not what he wants to hear.

Rain change your email password and get some privacy.

Agree with Boomf's advice at 00:19.
There are posters on the relationships board who will recognise what you're going through, and can support you.
Yy to changing your email password. Hope you get some sleep.

I suspect nannyl or briteside is my brother!

home should be a sanctuary for you and the kids. None of you should have to walk on eggshells like this.

A 'd'h should not behave like this. There may be mitigating factors (is he taking his meds?). But the bottom line is that you and the dcs need a stable home.

Hi other than boomf and a few others you have had some absolutely shockingly poor advice on her. I am speechless.
To LTB is something that you would need to decide for yourself but it will absolutely not ruin anyones life.
If you can get this moved you will have much better information to help YOU decide what the next course of action should be.
If you start getting your ducks in a row and he senses that I can guarantee that he will suddenly be receptive to the idea of counselling. This would be a big mistake.
As an aside he sounds truly horrible. Really. Getting cross with the whole world because they don't dance to his tune?
You can't live like this and its extremely damaging to you and your children.
If I were to suggest you talk to Womens Aid would you dismiss it by thinking its a charity that only helps victims of violence?
They assist women who suffer from all sorts of abuse. They helped me (practically) leave my abusive partner who was very similar sounding to your husband
I had already come to the decision by myself after YEARS of walking on those damn eggshells! Don't rush but don't waste your life either. The one thing I would stake my life on is that he will not change.

Please listen to Boomf.

You are living the life I was up until 4 months ago. The nice periods I now think of as crumbs of affection, designed to make me think things could always be like this, as long as I did x, y and z.

It is a miserable way to live and will only get worse. The walking on eggshells, the checking if he'a okay with every little thing, tbe constant questioning yourself. The feeling of must be tidier, better cook, earn more, list goes on and on and on.

It isn't you, it is him. I'd make plans to leave as honestly, he will never change. You will be much older and going through the same cycle except, IME it gets worse so that the nice part is incredibly short and very infrequent.

I don't think anyone is telling the op to suck it up (well I wasn't ) although symptoms do point to depression.

Depressed arsehole & nasty arsehole are still the same and shouldn't be tolerated but it could be a cause. I do think op should get him to leave, I've lived with my mother who was hideous when she had it and it does impact on the kids like I said I left my mother at nine because of it.

If op does consider this maybe severe depression and he needs his meds upping then she can see that this is absolutly not her fault, councilling won't work and only he can fix this. Rather than 'trying' to 'give it ago'

I'm quite shocked at posters demanding the op listens to them and ignore other posters. That in its self is bullying. Which I think she can do with out.

I don't think its bullying joyfull some advice is ridiculous.

At bullying . Maybe the OP should listen to the abuse apologists and man pleasers instead? Maybe he will change after 15 years? Maybe he will have some sort of epiphany in the shower this morning ? Or maybe he will continue to be an abusive twat to his family ? Who knows Eh