I'm exhausted from the constant snapping, rudeness and lack of appreciation. How do I make it better?

[RainOnTheTent]

There are two of my husband. He lives for weeks, sometimes a month or so as one person and then a switch flicks and he becomes the other for a similar amount of time.

Husband one is ok and I love him to bits. The kids adore him and he can be brilliant with them but husband two is vile.

Husband two is rude, snappy and aggressive (in manner and tone) to me and the DCs. Rarely says thank you, rarely concentrates on us, what we are doing or planning or gives us his undivided attention. He huffs loudly at complete strangers for doing minor things like inadvertently stepping in his path. Raises his arms in a gesture of "what the fuck" rather than one of "would you mind moving please" if a car or cyclists have blocked his way or done something without thinking. Flies off the handle with snapped responses with no need always taking things the wrong (negative) way. He never acknowledges the contribuion I make. Acts like he hates or disagrees with the very air that I breathe. He tells the DCs off for poor behaviour yet he models the most awful example. Muttering "Jesus Christ" loudly and clearly at the slightest thing that annoys him or constantly looking at his phone even when we are having some family time.

I just want a loving pair of arms round me (in addition to those of my children) and a heart felt compliment and a kind word or two every now and again.

When he chooses to be husband one all will be well but we have no say as to when that will be. Husband two has been here for many weeks and I am on my knees. Please be kind as I'm not up to harsh replies.

He really isn't a physical danger to us. He is an idiot and can be v v v v hurtful but he would never physically hurt us. I do understand and appreciate your concern but I am certain of this.

He would never hurt you while you are his dp maybe but remember when there is less to lose the gloves come off.

I could at least reason with x before as it had an interest in being seen to be reasonable ish. Now he does not give a toss.

Really hope you are Ok rain , just been reading your thread and you sound so strong. Just wanted to say I was with a man who would blow hot and cold like this and we are now divorced. Separating was very hard as I had become co-dependent which I now realise. I made excuses for his behaviour and put it down to depression - I see now it was abuse, plain and simplr. My children still see him but he does not appear to have changed much. It's only a matter of time before they decide they can't be bothered with him anymore. They have seen how much happier I am without him in my life, and newDP sets wonderful example of how a loving / respectful partner should behave. I feel like I have a second chance. If you split now, it will be tough but you will get through it. Support on here is excellent.

I hope you are right Rain, but he does want to control, disrupt and manipulate your lives.

Coming back to sleep in the spare room is not going to improve the atmosphere or his mood it will only make more difficult for all of you and he will blame you for it. He's hoping to wear you down or drive you out and he doesn't care whether you or the children suffer whilst he is doing it. He says he is coming back because he pays the mortgage not because he loves you or the children, misses you and wants to work things out.

It's lovely to see how many women got out of abusive relationships such as yours, rain, and went on to have more healthy relationships. maybe that could be you? ( I didn't, I just called time - and I'm so much happier alone)

Rain one of the things that drives you crazy about him, and he completely fails to understand, is his ridiculous over-reaction to things and his over-dramatic gestures and ranting and raving about things/people.

If you contact 101 about the threats on that text it could actually prove your point. As well as protecting you.

Obviously I appreciate that you don't want to get him labelled as a potentially violent man with police because you believe him to not be like that, plus you know about his hyperbolic tendencies, but TBH given that text I wouldn't care - I think it's chilling, and I would use it to gain myself protection and keep him out of the house.

Rain - reporting the threat could well serve you in the years to come.

For example, if you wanted to change the locks to stop him coming to your house all the time.

You need to play your cards right love, not just react to his whims all the time. Take back the power.

""You clearly believe I am insane. Obviously with my extreme reactions I cannot be trusted around people that cause me such upset. One day I may go to far and cause them serious injury or worse. Given that our marriage is clearly over that day may well be today."

This is clearly a threat?

A normal decent human being would not even think in those terms.

Am I the only one to notice that he has not once said 'I'm sorry for acting like a twat'?
I have severe depression and can be a total bitch sometimes. Once I realise I'm acting like this, I stop and apologise. I even had a go at my psychiatrist a while ago. I feel bloody awful about it and intend to apologise profusely when I see them next time. Your dh hasn't has he?
Oh and all this 'I'll stop my reactions' bollocks? Wait a while and he will start being more of an arsehole because he's apparently not able to express his feelings because you made him hold them in. He's just playing the martyr and he will hold it against you and use it as another way to emotionally abuse you.

You need to play your cards right love, not just react to his whims all the time.

I know this feels hard when you've been 'trained', but it's true and important. This bit's easy - a phone call & chat won't do any harm, and might be helpful :)

Not the only one, Bisley.
It's just that

• never takes responsibility and
• rarely, if ever, apologises

are just two more tick boxes on the classic abuser list

He found a private phycologist and emailed them to request an appointment. They mailed back to ask for more info (to check they were the correct person to be seeing). His reply was...

Good morning. My wife believes I have anger management issues that are impacting our marriage. She feels I overreact to things. She also believes that we are in a cycle of abuse (non violent) and that I am the abuser. In an effort to save our marriage I have said I will seek help.

She then asked him whether HE felt he had these problems? His reply was:

I admit to getting frustrated with some things. Overreaction is a matter of degrees. I get told I over react to cyclists. A single cyclist does not bother me. Cyclists riding 3 wide on a country lane does annoy me. They are putting me in the position of potentially killing them because they are not following the Highway Code. Come round a corner and there they are in the way. I have to brake or swerve to avoid them. I might mutter an annoyance. As yet I haven't run them down or got out of the car and beat them with a baseball bat. So is that an over reaction do I have anger management issues based on this? I would say not. I would say I am frustrated by other people doing stupid things that put me in a potentially dangerous situation. As for the cycle of abuse. I think that the abuser/abused could apply to each of us equally. We are both strong personalities and stubborn. I guess I was hoping you were going to tell me if I had a problem. I am open to accepting I could have.

They then replied suggesting we went to see a councillor or relate together and if they say he had an issue then it would be worth seeing a phycologist.

So WHO does he need to see? Or who do we need to see? He's agreed to seek help and I want to go forward with that to see if it helps before I decide to end the marriage. I feel if we go to relate he will just blame it all on me (as usual) rather than an appointment for him. What do you think? Who is the right person to see and just him or us both?

He needs to see a psychotherapist/counsellor one who is integrative and will challenge him. You could go for initial couple of appts, but if he thinks he doesn't have a problem they can't help him.

It's ok to be annoyed or even angry with things, it's not ok to upset others or scare them with your (ie his) reactions.
I've been in your shoes.
It's very wearing.
It's the impact his emotions have on your family that are causing the distress.

How do I find a psychotherapist? One that is integrative?

Google BACP and there's a heading on there about finding an accredited therapist, there's also the option to just google therapists in your area and a directory will come up

Despite having years of therapy under my belt, I had to Google integrative therapy It just means using different approaches, depending on the situation. All my therapists have done that.

Here's the BACP find a therapist website. You can ring up (or email, as your H did) for an initial chat.

I feel the need to add, Rain, that - from all you've relayed about him - therapy will not alter your husband. If he goes along with it, it will be to learn new tricks and fresh ways of undermining you.

So WHO does he need to see? Or who do we need to see?

He needs to see whoever he chooses to see. His treatment is in his own hands only.

I know this is hard to accept when you are in the thick of trying to both understand and save your marriage. But please realise that you cannot manage another person's change.

If you are unhappy, you can see a therapist to discuss your feelings.

If you as a couple are unhappy with your interactions as a couple, then you can jointly decide to attend couples therapy. This is NOT the same thing as one partner reluctantly agreeing to go in order to appease the other partner, and then probably blowing off or sabotaging most of the sessions anyway because they were never keen on going in the first place.
Couples therapy is also NOT a place where a judge decides who is right and who is wrong for you. The therapist will start from the basis that your feelings are equally valid. So if there is a power imbalance, and any domination and control or abuse in the couple, couples therapy is NOT the place to go, since the therapist will totally accept it as a-ok (each of you is equally right, remember...), so if you are being abused, then couples therapy will just become a further theatre for the abuse to continue.
Unless the therapist is particularly switched on about domestic abuse, in which case his/her professional response must be to stop seeing you as a couple.

Did you see this thread, Rain? They are the abuser profiles from Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That?

You may recognise your H in one or two of the character snapshots.

Thank you Gallic. I hadn't had time to read it when it was posted before & forgot to go back to it. I've just read them all. He is Mr Right personified! Odd splashes of Mr water boarding too.

I found the link to BACP very helpful. I'm stuck now though as it's clear that unless he agrees he needs to go nobody will see him or if they will then it won't work.

What you're stuck on is trying to fix and change him.

You can't do that, love. It's not within anyone's power to fix or change somebody else.

You, however, are miserable, and looking for change. That makes you the ideal candidate for counseling. You might benefit from individual counseling of your own, as an environment to help you work out your own feelings, your own needs, and how these are or are not being met.

Put it this way: it isn't your husband who's currently on a message board, upset and at wit's end about why he feels so unhappy.

Blimey, this sounds like my soon to be ex - all the drama and over-reaction. I think he has a personality disorder (bit of sociopath, bit of narcissist) and reading about these has helped me to understand how to deal with him. There are various websites and a few cheap Kindle books I've found helpful.

Don't go to couples therapy, if he's like my OH he'll gaslight you and have you coming out thinking you are the one in the wrong.

He sounds like an anxious man who probably bottles it all up until he can't hold it in anymore, than it all becomes too much to contain.

I would suggest he needs some short counselling to deal with his anxiety level and bring it back down to where it should be. Possibly had some sort of trauma or bullying in his childhood/youth/early adulthood that triggered his brain to be on high alert for danger, and now is still on high alert so picks up on all sorts of things that bother him. He needs it turning down or he'll get depressive mood swings.

Sounds too simple, but it really is the key. Can't do anything for him otherwise. Is he open to suggestions for counselling or at least talking to you about what might have happened to put him on high alert? Could be the start of a new life.

Also, a book called 'building self confidence' or something like that talks about high anxiety and how to start turning it down. I am in the process of sorting this out with myself and already, 2 weeks in, I feel a lot calmer and at ease with the world and everyone (including myself) in it.

and no couples therapy, his anxiety level has nothing to do with you. Not anger management either, more about high anxiety.