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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dp is really into prostate massages but it just makes me gag

282 replies

lexiepix · 28/02/2015 07:54

Dh has told me how much he wants me to massage his prostate and it is by far his favourite thing sexually. I've read a lot about it, bought some massage tools, but every time I come to give it a go, I just gag and feel like I'm going to throw up. Has anyone overcome this?

OP posts:
uglyswan · 28/02/2015 14:01

Definitely not a health must, but the idea that it can be beneficial is a common one (not sure whether that's actually true, but he didn't necessarily make it up). OP, I'm not clear on this - is this something you would like to do and can see yourself enjoying, but you just can't get past the physical reflex? Or is the idea itself just profoundly unsexy and revolting? Because if it's the latter, then it's definitely off the table and you don't need to spare it another thought.

gatewalker · 28/02/2015 14:02

lexiepix - A woman called Jaiya has a few videos out that are really worth watching if you're interested.

Anal work obviously can't be addressed in a single post, but the guidelines are plenty of specialised lube - you can never really use too much; go slowly, and in fact spend time externally first; enter with one finger only first, and go reaaaaaaallly slowly - there are two sphincters, the first one is controlled consciously, the second is part of the autonomic nervous system so is not directly under the 'owner's' control.

You'll find the prostate past both sphincters and on the upper part of the canal if your partner is lying on his back. Wear gloves (nitrile are good) if you prefer, or use a toy, but put a condom on it (more hygienic), and be extra careful because you won't be able to sense how you're working with it as well as you would if you were using your own hands.

Ask your partner what works and what doesn't. Only go as vigorously as is comfortable for him - the tissues in that area are very delicate.

And exit slowly too. Very slowly.

And, finally. If you don't want to do it, you don't have to, and then don't. If you're curious, however, maybe nudge yourself to the edge of your squeam factor and see what happens.

gatewalker · 28/02/2015 14:10

lemisscared - It can be emotionally demanding, but right now it is really a process of educating people that there are professions such as mine that are available. Many, many people are unaware, and, of those who are, many are too scared to get in touch, or, if they do, they frequently change their minds. I understand how vulnerable it can be, so it's really more of a matter of patience and compassion.

judydoes · 28/02/2015 14:11

'STICK SOMETHING UP HIS MUM!!!! Grin

I'd second the let him do it himself, perhaps say some 'encouraging words'?

gatewalker · 28/02/2015 14:19

Suzannewithaplan - Re: porn and its harms/benefits. My answer is going to be part personal (no getting around that, as you'll see) and part professional.

I think most porn is at best boring, and, at worst, harmful and exploitative. Though there is porn out there that I do feel is changing that. I will not dump porn into one amorphous category of "bad" even though the majority is, imo.

From a professional perspective, whether you agree with porn or not, it is having a huge impact on sex on all levels, not just the physical. I work somatically with porn users who have nerve damage, and the specific approach of the kind of bodywork I do is to change entrenched, ingrained, mindless neural pathways that basically shut down a porn-mastubator's sensations/feelings/thoughts/awareness of themselves and others. Porn, typically, reduces a user to a single, well-used kind of action (think the death grip), which cuts them off from everything apart from that one, contracted, limited and limiting act (limiting in myriad ways, an example of which is cutting them off from intimacy with another person, frequently a partner who has no idea how to get through to them). A lot of this is shrouded in shame, which adds complexity to what they are facing.

I really haven't covered everything here, let alone done what I have covered justice. But that's the gist.

CatthiefKeith · 28/02/2015 14:29

In the unlikely event you really want advice, how about a vibrating egg on a lead with a control attached?

BrokenCircleBreakdown · 28/02/2015 14:30

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1729276-Yoni-Vaginal-Massage

Brian Smile

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 14:54

Nobody should ever do something unless they really want to do it. Because it might please someone else is not justification enough to force yourself past what is truly ok with you.

If you have to suppress anything then your boundaries are being crossed (wherever those boundaries may be) and that is not acceptable in a loving relationship

Joysmum · 28/02/2015 15:25

The prostate may also be stimulated externally Wink

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 28/02/2015 15:52

uglyswan - Thank you, trying a few solutions first before throwing in the towel has just made my afternoon. Still chuckling.

SauvignonBlanche · 28/02/2015 16:00

I think that if it makes you gag,then it's off limits.

uglyswan · 28/02/2015 16:10

yes, Ithought, the towel is a must. Smile

Suzannewithaplan · 28/02/2015 16:18

Gatewalker, thanks for your reply that's very interesting!

I get your point that it's a complex subject and that porn is not one amorphous thing.
It makes sense that the specific type of porn which has become so pervasive in out culture has had an effect on sexual function and expression.

As you say that doesn't mean that all material which qualifies as porn is bad, but I agree that the vast majority of what's available is 'at best boring, and, at worst, harmful and exploitative'

blueberrypie0112 · 28/02/2015 16:18

Just tell him that you are not into this sort of thing. And it does not turn you on at all. And if he is willing to explore other things instead.Sex play should be enjoyable for both of you.

gatewalker · 28/02/2015 16:25

You're welcome, Suzannewithaplan Smile

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2015 16:31

Well we started off at breakfast time and gone through lunch talking about this. Not sure I dare put the dinner on.....

I just think say no OP. It's for the best.

PacificDogwood · 28/02/2015 16:32

gatewalker Thanks fascinating stuff.

lexie, much as your DH cannot 'help' liking what he does, you cannot change what you don't. I think you'd be very well advised to listen to what your body is telling you seeing that your desire to please him does not let you see that there is coercion involved - even if you 'want' to do it.

HootOnTheBeach · 28/02/2015 16:35

Stock up on tiny condoms for your finger. Make sure he showers beforehand.

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2015 16:39

How do you 'shower' your prostate? Confused Is there a shower head attachment on the massaging tool?

Christinayang1 · 28/02/2015 16:45

Personally I would get my " marigolds" out

blueberrypie0112 · 28/02/2015 16:55

Enema?

Suzannewithaplan · 28/02/2015 16:58

'Make sure he showers beforehand'

do people really need to be told that their 'personal area's' need to be clean for intimate contact?

PeteCampbellsRecedingHairline · 28/02/2015 16:59

Tiny condoms Grin

In all seriousness I agree with the other posters. If you don't like doing it, don't do it.

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2015 17:01

Who would go into a chemist and ask for 'tiny condoms'? Confused or are they mail order?

PacificDogwood · 28/02/2015 17:04

Finger Cot: Amazon delivers

No need to ask the chemist Grin

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