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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I tell his wife?

307 replies

upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:16

Met a lovely guy online, he seemed perfect in so many ways. It was very intense, only 3 weeks but very intense. We planned a future together. I couldn't believe how compatible we were. I have waited for years to meet someone like him. Couldn't believe my luck.

Anyway found out he was married with a couple of kids. He gave me the usual rubbish, only together for the sake of the children. Separate bedrooms blah blah.

Told him it was over. I felt so angry, upset and humiliated and deceived, anyway I have done some digging around and have found out who his wife is on facebook. I have written her a long message with the complete transcripts of everything we said to each other on Facebook and intimate photos we sent to each other. I am just debating whether to send it to her.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 19:22

You could but I doubt it would make much difference. The guy sounds like a seasoned con artist and he'll probably have an easy answer for the inevitable 'mad women' that contact his wife from time to time. Still.... could be fun seeing what happens

Koalafications · 27/02/2015 19:23

Are you doing it out of revenge or because you think she needs to know?

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 19:25

Don't send it

use your energy instead to think about how and why you let yourself get so comprehensively scammed

you must be a very needy individual indeed to have swallowed such bollocks ....how so ?

FenellaFellorick · 27/02/2015 19:25

opinion is generally divided on this I know from previous threads but if it was me, I would really want to know. Ignorance is not bliss, imo. You need to know for your sexual health and to make an informed choice on whether you want to stay in the relationship.

Original poster
upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:26

I think I am doing it for both reasons, revenge and I think she has the right to know

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:28

I guess I am needy but his story all seemed to stack up. He said he was a single dad. Didn't go round to his house because he didn't want to introduce me to his kids straightaway

OP posts:
WaxOnWaxOff · 27/02/2015 19:28

I'd probably forget him, forget messaging his wife, and do some work on myself to figure out why I was sucked in to planning a future with someone I barely knew after just 3 weeks tbh.

NickiFury · 27/02/2015 19:30

I think that's quite an unkind post actually AF.

It was only three weeks. I think many of us could be taken in for that period of time As OP says things didn't stack up and she found out and ended it.

I don't think you sound needy OP. He probably does this all the time. Don't send your message, who needs that drama, just walk away.

TheChickenSituation · 27/02/2015 19:34

Meeting someone online .... and then three weeks late, you're planning your future?

That is just crazy.

You need to service your twunt radar. It's clearly not working even a little bit.

LucyLocketX · 27/02/2015 19:35

Having been cheated on myself, I was grateful to finally be told by a third party what was really going on.

Original poster
upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:35

We just talked about the future, it wasn't any more comprehensive than that. No firm plans were made

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 19:37

Yes nicki it was "only 3 weeks"

that is precisely my point

3 weeks where op planned her life out with him....based on what exactly ?

intense yap that's what

fairylightsbackintheloft · 27/02/2015 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Koalafications · 27/02/2015 19:40

If you are doing it out of revenge, don't send it. It's a horrible thing to do.

NickiFury · 27/02/2015 19:40

I think fairy has said it well enough.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 19:43

If some bloke you met online is "intense" and already talks about a "future" with you after 3 weeks, you would have to be needy to lap that up

I would say the same thing to a friend

fgs, slow down and engage brain cells

Zusuki · 27/02/2015 19:44

Nah. You swerved a wrong un. Be grateful and move on.

In future, though, be very wary of anyone that is planning your joint futures together three weeks in. Alarm bells are deafening.

Original poster
upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:44

Koala - it is a horrible thing that he has done to me. I am heartbroken and in a complete mess

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 27/02/2015 19:47

It's tough, I understand why you would want too both revenge and she has a right to know, but not sure you should!

I'm not much help, but you come first so look after yourself, give yourself a month to start healing and maybe think about it then.

I feel dreadfully sorry for his wife but you must look after you first.

She may know, she won't be the first woman to trade a miserable marriage for a good lifestyle. If you're able to deduce that she's the wife so will others.

At for what it's worth I think AF was harsh.

Take care.

NickiFury · 27/02/2015 19:48

Maybe so but many women who post on here don't know about those red flags and OP is clearly hurting (who wouldn't be?) a bit of kindness and less blame wouldn't have gone amiss.

I hope you feel better soon OP.

Zusuki · 27/02/2015 19:50

I dont think AF is being harsh.

Its not a comfortable thing to hear BUT...heartbroken after three weeks of seeing a guy? Planning futures after such a short time? Its all incredibly unhealthy.

I'm not saying that in a spiteful way. I'd also say it to my dearest friends (and have said it to one of them actually) with their best possible interests at heart.

Original poster
upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:51

You are right Charlie97. He is in a very high earning profession. He has property in the UK and overseas

Thanks for your support

I wrote the message to her a week ago so need more time to think before I decide whether to send it. I am not in a good place

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 27/02/2015 19:53

YOU look after YOU!

He's hardly careful if you've found his wife!

Give yourself time and a break!

Xx

Ouchbloodyouch · 27/02/2015 19:54

I wouldn't. And I am usually the person who would. (See anyfucker? I love my drama!Wink)
It was only three weeks and I know they would have been lovely weeks. He will minimise lie and paint you out to be barking bonkers.
The fact that he solicited a date online whilst in a relationship shows that he couldn't have been too worried about the consequences.
I feel for you but be proud that you ditched him and didn't fall for his bullshit.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 19:57

Respondents on this thread

May I remind you that you don't have to reference your own replies against mine.

You can post what you like. Keep me out of it. My dialogue is with the OP. I thank you to do the same.

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