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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I tell his wife?

307 replies

upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:16

Met a lovely guy online, he seemed perfect in so many ways. It was very intense, only 3 weeks but very intense. We planned a future together. I couldn't believe how compatible we were. I have waited for years to meet someone like him. Couldn't believe my luck.

Anyway found out he was married with a couple of kids. He gave me the usual rubbish, only together for the sake of the children. Separate bedrooms blah blah.

Told him it was over. I felt so angry, upset and humiliated and deceived, anyway I have done some digging around and have found out who his wife is on facebook. I have written her a long message with the complete transcripts of everything we said to each other on Facebook and intimate photos we sent to each other. I am just debating whether to send it to her.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 27/02/2015 20:16

Send it. She needs to know.

wickedlazy · 27/02/2015 20:17

I would send.

If my dp was cheating I would rather know so I could kick him to the kirb!

TheJiminyConjecture · 27/02/2015 20:19

Just to add (another) word of caution, you mention intimate photos. If you were to tell his wife and potentially unleash a shit storm in his life, he may well get his own revenge using the pictures. You already know he's an arse hole, I hope these pictures are unidentifiable.

Twinklestein · 27/02/2015 20:19

If you're going to do OD you need to wise up fast. Perhaps take the humiliation as a lesson not to build fairy tales on sand. Check guys out thoroughly over a period of time, before thinking about the 'future'.

If I were the wife I'd want to know, but whether it's the right thing to do depends entirely on your motive. If you're doing it for revenge it will no doubt come backatcha.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:20

No worries, ouch. Thanks

weedinthepool · 27/02/2015 20:21

Erm because I wouldn't want a total stranger, who knows nothing about my marriage or my children or husband & who I have never met wading in on the relationship mrsted the wanker and his wife and their relationship has fuck all to do with OP. She doesn't get dibs on trashing her life just because she is upset!

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:21

OP, is your face on these "intimate" photos ?

Jumbooats · 27/02/2015 20:23

AF is totally right - OP must be a complete dilly donker to fall for that guff after three weeks .....

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:25

actually, ouch, I just went back to my TIO and realised I answered your own thread with a similar "stop falling for the Charming Man" kind of reply

now your patronising "are you ok?" complete with implied < head tilt > response is explained

I am ok, I hope you are too

but you do need to quit getting your head turned by Charming Men

wickedlazy · 27/02/2015 20:26

SylvaniansAtEase

Yyy!

And as for "What gives her the right to wade in & do the big reveal" the husband gave her that right when he lied to her and slept with her behind his wifes back...

weedinthepool · 27/02/2015 20:28

I don't think there has been any, ahem, RL contact though? I might be missing something but I think it's all been online?

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2015 20:28

There are plenty of MNers who planned futures with their DHs very quickly. There are even more MNers who are in happy LTRs with men they shagged on the first night myself included.

Friends should always urge friends to be cautious, careful and to protect themselves in relationships. It's often easier to urge this caution than it is to apply it ourselves.

I agree that the OP has rushed into this at alarming speed, but I draw the line at blaming her for a man's bullshit. He lied. Possibly very convincingly. It's a poor bloody show when 'assume he is lying and you're the problem if you don't' is the baseline. Smacks of sexism and victim blaming to me.

iwashappy · 27/02/2015 20:29

If I was his wife I would want to know. Well actually if I was his wife I would rather that he wasn't cheating but in the event that he was I would rather know.

Having said that if I hypothetically received a message from someone I didn't know saying that my husband was cheating I might not necessarily believe them. It would depend on the proof that you sent and how much trust there was in the husband. I am not for a second saying that I would think you were making it up but if there was wriggle room in your evidence it could be the husband convinces her it was just online flirting etc and it didn't go beyond that.

I am sorry that you have been hurt by him, but three weeks does seem a short time to feel that involved. I am wondering if you are feeling as hurt as you are because you have been deceived and feel humiliated rather than because the relationship ended.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:31

there's a time to hand all the blame over to a bloke and this isn't one of them

Ouchbloodyouch · 27/02/2015 20:32

Im ok and I don't get the head tilt any but I don't mean to be patronising (ok well maybe I did for about 20 seconds) so I will take the earlier proffered Flowers and reciprocate Flowers
As for getting my head turned.. if only. I live a sheltered life. But I digress.. back in the room..
Intimate photos? ? OP please tell me you didn't.? Ok. If you did DO NOT SEND

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2015 20:34

He's married, and he cheated on his wife and lied to two women (and more, who knows).

If we take op at face value, she was genuine, single, and opened her life to him.

Sorry, what bit wasn't his fault?

weedinthepool · 27/02/2015 20:35

She's not a victim though!! Is she? So how can it be victim blaming saying to someone maybe don't be so emotionally invested to the point of heartbreak after 3 weeks? Surely it's just encouraging a bit of sane self preservation?

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 20:36

I wouldn't. Just pretend you never google him and his family up at all.

iwashappy · 27/02/2015 20:36

I agree with those saying that if you are identifiable from the intimate photos you run the risk of these being bandied about.

If he's enough of a shit to go on online dating sites actively looking for women to cheat with then he won't think twice about showing your photos around if you drop him in it.

wickedlazy · 27/02/2015 20:37

"I wouldn't want a total stranger, who knows nothing about my marriage or my children or husband & who I have never met wading in on the relationship"

Erm I think the op does now know the husband quite... intimately now Hmm

And so you'd rather your dp/dh played away behind your back, had x amount of other relationships, and possibly made a fool of you behind your back? I know a girl whos dp cheated on her with her mate. Everyone knows, but no one has the balls to tell her. I feel really bad for her, but it's not my place to say/she might not believe me. She's always posting pics on facebook of him and how much she loves him etc, while most people cringe and pretend they don't know. I think in this case the op is the right person to tell the wife, and she has proof. And I think the wife would one day be grateful the truth had come out so she could find a man who respects and loves her enough not to dip is wick elsewhere.

IchBinEinNerd · 27/02/2015 20:38

I don't know.

You're not doing her a favour by NOT telling her anyway. Perhaps she knows on one level. It might give her the proof she needs to confirm she's not being gas lighted, OR, if she's not ready to face up to it she will dismiss you as crazy.

Either way, I think it will make you feel a bit better and it's not like you are being kind to her by not telling her. It's better to know. YOu don't know if the timing would be good but overall, it's better to know.

So I say, do it if it will make you feel better.

YNK · 27/02/2015 20:38

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Do yourself a huge favour by reading this OP.
Better luck next time

LabradorMama · 27/02/2015 20:39

Well said MZ

OP tell her, as sensitively as you can (if such a thing as sensitivity is possible in these circs) In her shoes i would want to know and I'm sure most women would

Zusuki · 27/02/2015 20:39

Oh for fuck sake this isnt victim blaming. OP isnt a victim.

She met an unpleasant bullshitter online. He is an arsehole, clearly.

But OP is a grown woman who is also responsible for her own actions. She hasnt committed a crime, but she does need to ask herself why she is 'heartbroken' over someone she has know for less than a month. Its irresponsible to just pat her on the back and say 'poor you'. A good friend would say 'poor you...now dont let it happen a-bloody-gain!'

ScotsWhaHae · 27/02/2015 20:41

Did you actually meet him? Like in real life?

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