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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shall I tell his wife?

307 replies

upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:16

Met a lovely guy online, he seemed perfect in so many ways. It was very intense, only 3 weeks but very intense. We planned a future together. I couldn't believe how compatible we were. I have waited for years to meet someone like him. Couldn't believe my luck.

Anyway found out he was married with a couple of kids. He gave me the usual rubbish, only together for the sake of the children. Separate bedrooms blah blah.

Told him it was over. I felt so angry, upset and humiliated and deceived, anyway I have done some digging around and have found out who his wife is on facebook. I have written her a long message with the complete transcripts of everything we said to each other on Facebook and intimate photos we sent to each other. I am just debating whether to send it to her.

OP posts:

Koalafications · 27/02/2015 19:58

Koala - it is a horrible thing that he has done to me. I am heartbroken and in a complete mess

That can't be undone though, can it? What has the wife done to you? I suppose misery really does love company...

I'm not sure how you can be 'heartbroken' after two weeks.

Koalafications · 27/02/2015 19:59

Oh sorry, it was three weeks wasn't it...

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:00

if I found myself in this precise situation, I would totally blame myself

and if a friend told me to cop the fuck on and quit believing the bullshit of men I met online, I would agree with her

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/02/2015 20:02

You sent naked pics to a guy you met three weeks ago? You're heartbroken? You were planning a future?
You need to take a good hard look at what was going on in your head because that is not healthy.

weedinthepool · 27/02/2015 20:02

Sorry but I don't think it's harsh to point out that OP is waaaay too emotionally invested in someone that she met online & only 3 weeks ago.

I have never done online dating (or any kind of dating actually!) but from what friends have said you have to develop a thick skin & develop a radar for wanker. There are a few about online

OP - did you meet with the man in RL Or was it all conducted online? If you have been on actual dates with this man then I can see that you might start to acknowledge a few feelings stirring but even after 3 weeks of intense dating I'd still be being very careful with how much time & emotional input I'd be contributing.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:02

I actually have a best mate who lurches around after unsuitable guys over and over

she believes every word they say, and finally at the age of nearly 50 is only just beginning to think I may have a point

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2015 20:02

Absolutely what fairy said.

88blueshoes · 27/02/2015 20:03

It's a tough one. On the one hand I think she has the right to know. On the other hand I think it's probably better for you in the longer term just to keep your distance, move on and forget the whole thing.

Aliceinvodkaland · 27/02/2015 20:04

hey anyfucker are you really oprah winfrey?

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:05

Op, after 3 weeks of "knowing" him, how do you know he is telling the truth about owning property here and overseas ?

my friend believed her new bloke was finally the one

he flashed the cash, gave her an "engagement" ring after just a few weeks

she then got a text from the real owner of the ring

Viviennemary · 27/02/2015 20:05

No don't. There isn't any point. He's a horror and just be glad you're not his wife.

SylvaniansAtEase · 27/02/2015 20:05

Sorry but I agree with those that say - tell her.

How many posts do we see on this board by poor women scammed, not by someone they've known three weeks, but by absolute shitheads they've loved, had babies with, bought houses with, who are fucking them over every day of their lives? And when it all comes out, we say 'You are better off knowing, better off with him out of your life' - and it's ALWAYS TRUE. Always.

Yup, you're ruining her life. Only you're not, because it's already ruined, she just doesn't know it yet. So tell her. Tell her before he gives her an STD. Tell her so that she knows, and she can (if she chooses) do some digging, copy his bank statements, and get her ducks in a row under her own steam and BEFORE he finally fucks off with someone else after emptying the joint account. Tell her so that she can leave him, now, and KNOW the truth about her own life and can choose to leave, instead of spending the next 20 years thinking they're on the same page and planning long term life together, when in fact he plans to dump her at 50 when the kids are old enough to do their own thing.

Tell her. If it were me, I wouldn't even care if you were doing it for revenge. I'd be eternally grateful that he chose someone who finally dropped him in it.

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2015 20:06

And we can reference you all we like AF. You posted, you will be read and responded to.

If you want a private dialogue with the OP then pm her.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:07

no, Alice, apparently I am the Devil incarnate for telling women to use their brains

NickiFury · 27/02/2015 20:08

I'm confused now, you seem to be responding to other and referencing their posts but you have asked not to do that to you? Ok then .

Last word to OP, don't send that message. You sound very unhappy and you probably have the idea that doing something will alleviate how much you're hurting. It won't. You will look back at this and be mortified when you're over it.

I was married to a very abusive man for a long time and very unhappy. I finally managed to leave and about a year later started a relationship with someone else. I was NOT in the right place to do that and ended up horribly hurt by him after only about six months. He didn't behave well but I realise now a lot of my pain at that break up was residual from my horrible marriage that I hadn't dealt with. It's very common and a lot of people go through that, I have read it about it regularly on here.

Honestly keep your dignity, it's a cliche but no one can take that and it really helps to know that you kept it.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:09

MZ, have a go at Ehric

share the poking around, eh

weedinthepool · 27/02/2015 20:10

You have said you are 'heartbroken' 'in a mess' 'not in a good place' etc and are talking about undoing a marriage after some online detective work. This is a 3 week encounter! I mean this in the kindest possible way Op but I really think you need to talk to someone about boundaries & emotional gatekeepinG.

whooshbangprettycolours · 27/02/2015 20:11

OP you really do need to think about what happened. 3! 3! weeks. You clearly are hanging your happiness on someone else being in your life rather than on you and YOUR life.

I have waited for years to meet someone like him. Why?

Get on with living and another one will show up

Koalafications · 27/02/2015 20:11

Agree with EhricLovesTheBhrothers

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:13

dickheads like this are ten a penny....damn right another one will show up soon enough

your own choice if you want to throw in your whole life and self esteem with one after 3 weeks

Ouchbloodyouch · 27/02/2015 20:13

Ok ANYFUCKER. I apologise. I referenced you because you had very recently made a reference on a thread I started.
However I do feel.. in my opinion.. that you are being a tad oversensitive. I see people 'referenced' all the time on other threads. You are not unique.

Ouchbloodyouch · 27/02/2015 20:14

Are you ok anyfucker? You seem a bit het up.

weedinthepool · 27/02/2015 20:15

The thing is their marriage is none of OP's business, she's a total stranger. What gives her the right to wade in & do the big reveal then wade right back out again?

Thisismyfirsttime · 27/02/2015 20:15

I would tell her and I'd certainly want to be told if DH was up to anything. I always wonder on threads like these why a lot of posters advise not telling, why wouldn't you? Wouldn't you want to know? He could spin her a load of bullshit and she could fall for it but she'd know. Why wouldn't you? (Genuine question.)

MrsTedCrilly · 27/02/2015 20:16

You need to send it, I would want to know 100%. Then she can make a decision based on the truth. Why would anyone not want to know!?

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