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Original poster

Shall I tell his wife?

307 replies

upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:16

Met a lovely guy online, he seemed perfect in so many ways. It was very intense, only 3 weeks but very intense. We planned a future together. I couldn't believe how compatible we were. I have waited for years to meet someone like him. Couldn't believe my luck.

Anyway found out he was married with a couple of kids. He gave me the usual rubbish, only together for the sake of the children. Separate bedrooms blah blah.

Told him it was over. I felt so angry, upset and humiliated and deceived, anyway I have done some digging around and have found out who his wife is on facebook. I have written her a long message with the complete transcripts of everything we said to each other on Facebook and intimate photos we sent to each other. I am just debating whether to send it to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetagain · 27/02/2015 20:42

I am naive, I agree. I am new to dating. I met my ex when I was 18 and was married to him for 20 years. We split up last year.

The intimate photos don't have my face in them but his do. Yes it was stupid but I thought I was in love with him. He said they haven't had sex for years but I don't think that's true, I used to have sex with my ex DH sometimes even when we didn't get on. It's all been a big lie

OP posts:
IchBinEinNerd · 27/02/2015 20:43

I get it OP.

I don't often feel that connection. It's rare enough that when it comes along it's been a long long time since I felt it last. So, when you allow yourself to feel it, and it turns out to have been all lies, and you feel humiliated and decieved, then I can well understand how three weeks is long enough to feel devastated.

If I'd lost a baby at 7 weeks Pregnant (three weeks knowing I was pregnant) I'd have been devastated, adn that's not a relationship it's just an idea.

Original poster
upsetagain · 27/02/2015 20:44

Yes I met him in real life

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:44

Telling Op she has no blame at all in this exact scenario is infantilising her

She is a grown woman. Old enough to just hold even a little bit back after 3 weeks of "knowing" someone. Sending pics of her tits (let's hope it's just that) and planning a new life with someone who wouldn't even invite her to his house ?

come on now, I'd like to credit women with more sense but unfortunately I keep getting thwarted

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:45

Ich please refrain from comparing losing a baby to getting caught out by a bullshitting dickhead.

Original poster
upsetagain · 27/02/2015 20:46

Thank you IchBin - that is exactly how it was. It was how I felt when I met my ex a long time ago, I thought I would never feel like that again. A few weeks ago I was exhilarated and now I am the opposite

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:47

OP, you have done a very silly thing. It doesn't define you. Your responses here are making more sense than your "defenders".

Move on. Read that article by Joe carver linked above...it tells you all you need to know about how these men operate. You've been played. Look to your twat radar and listen to it in future...it will serve you well if you just listen to it.

ScotsWhaHae · 27/02/2015 20:47

Ich did you just compare this to losing a baby?

Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 20:49

Op I think you need to put your time and energy into sorting yourself out, you put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation here

It's obvious you are still recovering from the breakdown of your marriage and this has made you vulnerable to a predator...and that is what he is, who else would go on line, married, and intentionally deceive a complete stranger

Get to a counsellor and get your head sorted out, falling in love and sending intimate of yourself to someone after three weeks is not healthy behavior

shovetheholly · 27/02/2015 20:49

I have been at my most gullible when I have been at my most vulnerable. It is incredible what you will believe when you are really hurting and desperate for the situation that appears to be unfolding before your eyes to be true. I think the OP knows she's rushed into this and her first post opening the thread suggests that she feels humiliated already - and she's done the right thing in ending it, which took guts.

OP, I feel for you. Personally, I would want to know if I were in his wife's shoes. I suspect other people wouldn't, though, and you may want to think carefully about whether you want to bear the brunt of his rage and anger at your action, or whether it would be easier FOR YOU just to move on from this sadder and a bit wiser to these kinds of tricks. Flowers

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:51

Holly I agree with you and like I said, Op has been foolish and she knows that. I think telling her she bears no responsibility for that is equally unhealthy.

Because that means it would be ok to do the exact same thing again and learn no lesson from it. And it isn't.

weedinthepool · 27/02/2015 20:52

Hmm, well I can see why you got to the point you did if you have been married for 20 years from age 18. I'm assuming you didn't do the jaded one night stand stuff and haven't experienced the use them then lose them scenarios. Falling in love & a request for rude photos in a 3 week period would send me running for the hills, especially online! But I'm an embittered old slag hag so I'm sorry if you feel like you have had a rough ride. What us your gut feeling re the wife?

Waimaz · 27/02/2015 20:52

i would tell her. id want to know if i was the wife.

Koalafications · 27/02/2015 20:54

If I'd lost a baby at 7 weeks Pregnant (three weeks knowing I was pregnant) I'd have been devastated, adn that's not a relationship it's just an idea.

Oh fucking hell. I've heard it all now. Comparing a miscarriage to someone getting overly invested in a twat after three weeks? FFS catch yourself on IchBin.

IchBinEinNerd · 27/02/2015 20:54

anyfucker normally we completely agree, but that comparison was necessary to show that in three weeks your head can embrace a new idea so rapidly and so enthusiastically that to lose it even after "just three weeks" is devastating.

The most painful break up i ever had ended after only 7 weeks. I will never forget the pain. nothing could ever compare. To be honest, 8 years with an abusive man didn't compare with the pain I felt when the 7 week relationship ended (the two were linked of course, one following the other).

weedinthepool · 27/02/2015 20:56

Xposted but the miscarriage comparison is fucking awful.

IchBinEinNerd · 27/02/2015 20:57

op you're getting a hard time here.

WHilst I would never ever send anybody a picture of my t1ts, I do think that your worst 'crime' was to believe what you were told. Your 'crime' was to be too trusting. But until the first time we're badly burnt, we tend to do that. I believed everything a man claimed to feel until after the first time I was humiliated and deceived. Then it dawned on me, hang on, words and actions, actions or words, hmmmmmm.

It's a painful lesson and a steep learning curve. Having people tell you you were WRONG to have believed what you were told, I remember how that magnified the pain,s o I do sympathise with you.

IchBinEinNerd · 27/02/2015 20:58

it's not awful!!!!!

it's such a good comparison. three weeks in to a pregnancy you don't think ah well, three weeks is nothing.

It's what you FEEL.

Joysmum · 27/02/2015 21:03

If I were a wronged wife I'd like to know so I could make my own decisions about my future

Given that, I could hardly be a hypocrite and not tell somebody else because of my own selfish reasons.

Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 21:10

OP tell the wife, what she does with that information is up to her

Then get some support and move on, there are lots of nice people out there and next time you will go into it a little wiser

ProcrastinateNoMore · 27/02/2015 21:13

OP I'm going to ignore some of the vile posts on this thread and talk to you. You made a mistake. You won't be the first and you probably won't be the last - this guy is the lowest of the low.

In terms of sending stuff to his wife, I think you need to be very honest about your motives. If it's because you genuinely want her to be informed then yes, I would.

In terms of dating (online or otherwise) you need to protect yourself. Be very careful about believing full on charm attacks. You're vulnerable because the dating game is new to you in some ways and things have changed dramatically. My good friend was in a very similar situation - married for a long time from a young age and when she tried OD she fell for a few scumbags. They exploited her naivety at dating. She took a break and when she went back to dating she kept her measured head on. Good luck with it all - I know it can be a shock to find yourself back dating after a long relationship.

Ouchbloodyouch · 27/02/2015 21:16

I do actually see where you are coming from ich people are very quick to dismiss the feelings that develop really early on. But I can equally see why its not the best comparison. I would take it out of the equation.

IfMaybeBut · 27/02/2015 21:16

If I were the wife I'd want to know. You'd be doing me a huge favour

Can't really see anything wrong in falling for someone in three weeks...surely that's often the honeymoon period when you feel full of hope and happiness? What you do with that feeling is another thing entirely. Personally I'd enjoy the moment but be cautious and no one will ever be sent an intimate picture of me.

IfMaybeBut · 27/02/2015 21:18

I get the comparison Ich. you are not comparing loss of a baby to loss of this tosser at all. You're pointing out that in a short space of time people can develop hopes and dreams

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 21:20

....unless he is the guy from the U.S. TV reality show called "say yes to the dress" he calls every customer "hey beautiful" ha... just joking. sorry.