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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I tell his wife?

307 replies

upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:16

Met a lovely guy online, he seemed perfect in so many ways. It was very intense, only 3 weeks but very intense. We planned a future together. I couldn't believe how compatible we were. I have waited for years to meet someone like him. Couldn't believe my luck.

Anyway found out he was married with a couple of kids. He gave me the usual rubbish, only together for the sake of the children. Separate bedrooms blah blah.

Told him it was over. I felt so angry, upset and humiliated and deceived, anyway I have done some digging around and have found out who his wife is on facebook. I have written her a long message with the complete transcripts of everything we said to each other on Facebook and intimate photos we sent to each other. I am just debating whether to send it to her.

OP posts:
mildlyacquiescent · 04/03/2015 22:31

Excuse me if it's been covered, but...

You gave him a false name.

You have messaged the wife through Facebook, presumably under your real name.

Surely he'll now find out who you are? Or his denials of knowing anyone called Moira Cumsloudly will be all too convincing for the wife to disbelief, as they'll be true?

essejay72 · 04/03/2015 23:25

I think you have done the right thing. I was a wife who one day had the fateful message on facebook telling me they had met my husband on an online dating site. For me I had spent a good few years doubting wether my husband was being faithful or not but never had evidence to warrant putting a bomb under my life! But being confronted with just the fact that he had gone to the effort of creating a dating profile and actively put himself out there did it for me - believe me it's hard to read your husbands profile saying he has been separated 18 months and a listing all the things he loves to do when, in fact, when asked to do them it's like pulling teeth! But it was the proof I needed and relief to find out I wasn't paranoid! We have been separated two years now and I hold no blame on the lady that messaged me - she just helped me see the light and make that final decision, which was the right one! I did message back to thank her for her honesty - she was as much a victim, it wasn't her fault he was such a shit!

ShonaOCasey · 05/03/2015 00:04

why were you planning a future together after only 3 weeks and meeting a guy online? how is your heart broken after such a short time?
I don't think you should have messaged his wife... you should have just moved on

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2015 05:36

You gave him a false name? Is that right?

Charlie97 · 05/03/2015 06:26

Handful thank you for the education but you actually took the time to use the type the word DARLING.

Why are you blaming the OP for destroying his marriage? Should she have held back and got sight of his divorce papers or something to confirm formal separation? Or should he not lie snd deceive.

His wife is entitled to know, she may delete and not act on the message that's her choice.

He was in the wrong by lying!

handfulofcottonbuds · 05/03/2015 06:41

Charlie - direct your advice at OP, not me.

Original poster
upsetagain · 05/03/2015 06:47

handful I didn't send intimate photos to the wife, I did consider it but after following the advice of cheated on wives I didn't. I didn't call him lots of names either in my correspondence to her. I am finding your response rather strange like others seem to be too. You say you would expect more humility from me. Why do you expect anything from me at all?

iwashappy thank you for you advice, I know you have been through a difficult time so I have taken on board what you have said and advised. I have thought about the wife too. Obviously she will feel even more betrayed than I did

IfMaybeBut that is what I try and focus on, the husband is at fault here. He has hurt me and hurt his wife

essejay sorry you have been cheated on. It seems to be so common. It sounds quite similar to the man I was seeing, setting up a profile on a dating site. A deliberate act of cheating. I hope the information I have given her provides evidence for her. Like you said, she may already have doubts.

Charlie97 like you, I am finding some people reactions rather strange! Why do some people always blame the woman when clearly it is the man in the wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetagain · 05/03/2015 06:49

handful

Charlie is entitled to express her opinion on a public forum and direct her advice to whoever she pleases

OP posts:
TurnItIn · 05/03/2015 06:58

I'm a bit confused about the flash name/deactivated FB?

Did you set up a fake FB with your fake name with fake friends and a whole profile?

TurnItIn · 05/03/2015 06:59

*fake name not flash name!

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2015 07:00

But handful hasn't asked for advice. You have.

Do you imagine that none of us has ever been the cheated on wife / partner. I have. I know handful has been as well. Or do you only think those posters agreeing with you have valid experience and opinions to offer?

You asked if you should tell the wife. Some of us have said you shouldn't. I realise this doesn't fit in with your view. And clearly you're not very happy not to have your actions validated. But it is my opinion that, despite your protestations otherwise, you acted out of malice

Of course that doesn't excuse this man's utterly appalling behaviour. Nobody is saying that.

But I think you need to calm the hell down with the heartbreak and stuff. It was 3 weeks.

Original poster
upsetagain · 05/03/2015 07:01

turnitin I am not going to say anything about the names and fb details. Don't want to out myself

OP posts:
TurnItIn · 05/03/2015 07:02

I can't see how saying yes or no to whether you had a fake FB profile set up would out yourself, but fair enough.

Original poster
upsetagain · 05/03/2015 07:04

Bit the majority of people said to tell the wife. That is the advice I followed. Lots of cheated on wives advised telling the wife even though it caused them heartbreak.

You don't know what is in my heart so I find it strange that you say I acted out of malice.

I have calmed down now, thanks for your concern and kindness

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2015 07:11

Hmmm what makes me think you sent it out of malice? Your op. Your second post (in particular) and pretty much everything you've said since.

What I'm trying to say is that getting in a strip with those who disagree with you isn't really constructive. I know it's hard to read people disagreeing with you but sometimes they are exactly the ones you should listen to

Minniepinnie2 · 05/03/2015 07:22

IVe been the cheated wife in the past and when I read your post my first thought was your going to tell his wife no matter what anyone says, your just looking for validation and you didn't do it because you thought she ought to know you did it out of pure spite.

Maybe I'm wrong in thinking those things, but that's how you have come across in your post. You could have told the guy it would be the decent thing if he told his wife, gave him the option you tell her or I will. You didn't have to send the photos to her (and correct me if I'm wrong but at one point you were thinking of sending intimate photos to her?). You could have told her and said you had proof if she needed it.

Anyway you've sent the message to her it's out of your hands now.

Original poster
upsetagain · 05/03/2015 07:26

Best to go with the majority opinion whatever it is, that is the option I took

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2015 07:31

Christ if I lived my life by the majority opinion on mn it would be a car crash!

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2015 07:32

And come off it!!you were going to do it whatever anyone said.

Vivacia · 05/03/2015 07:32

If I were the wife in this situation I don't think the OP's motives would matter half so much as how she told me.

Original poster
upsetagain · 05/03/2015 07:35

I am thinking of leaving this thread now as it is turning rather argumentative.

Thanks to all of those who have provided support. It really made a difference and helped me reach a decision about what to do.

What has been done is done, the wife knows. Whatever happens next, I will just have to deal with it. I am strong enough to deal with it without support now

Thank you to those who sent me supportive PMs. It was much appreciated and I valued your opinion very much

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 05/03/2015 07:35

Exactly Vivacia - my thoughts are do something with a good heart for someone's benefit or don't do it at all.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2015 07:37

Fwiw (and I really will bugger off in s mo!) my OW did "tell" me. In a very subtle way on fb. It was enough to lead me in the right direction and ask the right questions though. If she'd sent pictures of her with my dp and text transcripts between them I think it might've finished me off

Vivacia · 05/03/2015 07:38

I hope for the OP's sake that she did this with a good will, certainly. As the wife I'd rather know either way, so long as it felt kindly done.

AlexTurnersmicropone · 05/03/2015 08:04

The message may have gone into her "other" box rather than her in box if you sent it through Facebook, I've had messages go into my "other" box and not seen them for months.