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Original poster

DP suddenly behaving like an utter arse. (long)

274 replies

verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:09

I have name changed as he knows the username I normally use.

Me and DP have lived together for a year, and it has been great up until this point. I actually thought things were going really well. We have no DC.

Recently he has started to refuse to do things, for example a festival that I really wanted to attend, he bluntly told me "You can go if you can get there, but I'm not coming with you and don't expect a lift." I can't drive and I'm not sure we could afford to run 2 cars anyway. We live in a rural location with no buses, it is 26 miles to the nearest train station. I have a hobby I like to go to and he has now also started to refuse to help in any way, he won't bring heavy equipment in the car etc for me. I decided to apply for my provisional licence and have saved up some money towards driving lessons (£500). When I first told him he laughed at me for about 20 minutes straight, when I asked what was funny he just smugly said "no, no nothing." and continued to laugh Sad. He has since been trying to convince me I should spend the money on dental treatment he wants, he won't go to an nhs dentist so it costs a lot more. I don't think he really wants me to learn to drive myself.

Valentines day we didn't do anything, I thought he might take me out for dinner or something but nothing happened. I didn't get a card etc. Although uneventful it wasn't a bad day, just a normal saturday. We hadn't argued or anything, then when we got in to bed I asked for my pillow back, we had 2 each but he took one of his another room to use on a chair for his back and had left it there so take mine. He then said "you are such a whinging cunt" and threw it on the floor. I don't know where that came from. I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that. He just said "Whatever" and "I can't be arsed".

The next day was horrible. I mean, it was unbearable. Any attempt I made at speaking to him I got one word answers very aggressively. I only mentioned mundane things like what shall I make for dinner etc. Sometimes not even a word just a grunt or "hmm" sound. I then tried to show him something related to my hobby and he said "I don't give a fuck". He literally didn't talk all day and we sat in total silence until I left to go meet a friend at the pub because I couldn't take being in the house any more. While I was out I got a text basically accusing me of being the one being funny. I replied and just said that I needed to get out for a bit and that I wasn't in a mood. He often makes comments about me cheating on him or having somebody at the pub (which I don't) and I told him I find this really offensive. He just carried on. It is the only place I can go to socialise as it is the only thing within walking distance (about 3 miles).

I don't know why this has happened. He still isn't being normal with me now and I honestly haven't done anything wrong. What should I do? I've been in only one relationship before and after leaving that one I promised myself I wouldn't end up feeling low all the time and like I'm going to get in trouble all the time. I'm not even sure why this has happened.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 19/02/2015 16:15

Leave. Leave now. Don't look back.

You are lucky in that you have no DC.

And what on earth persuaded you to move miles from anywhere when you don't drive?

ratsintheattic · 19/02/2015 16:15

He sounds awful. Maybe you should use your money to leave him. More constructively, is there any reason you can think of why he has changed - health, money, job, family. Whatever the answer he has to know his behaviour is unacceptable. Up to you whether you give him a second chance.

Jan45 · 19/02/2015 16:18

He sounds unbearable and his nastiness is shocking, is he trying to get you to end it or I she just a sadist who enjoys making you sad, either way it's not on, time for some tough talking, don't put up with it any more, the way he speaks to you is disgusting.

pocketsaviour · 19/02/2015 16:18

He wants out of the relationship. I'm sorry. I have seen men do this a lot. They haven't got the balls to end it so they behave like shits until you can't take any more. Then they can tell themselves "Hey it just didn't work out. She dumped me, man."

What is the financial/housing situation?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2015 16:19

Why on earth are you together now given all this?. What do you get out of this relationship?.

He is not coming off at all well here anyway even given his recent behaviour (I am wondering if he has met someone else). I am wondering also whether he wants you to end this so he can garner sympathy from his friends by saying, "oh verticalstripes left me!".

I think he wants to keep you dependent on him in all ways. He basically does not want you to learn to drive but for you to hand your cash over so he can have his teeth fixed!.

He does not want you to learn to drive (and besides which how is it that you have ended up living in such a rural area with no public transport; was that his idea?).

I would cut my losses now and walk away from this before you get any more hurt and or emotionally overinvested in all this. And why is he like this; well its partly because he can. He thinks you are going to cheat on him, has he been cheated on before?. He sounds paranoid to be honest with you. He may well be showing his true colours i.e. the real him now a year in, has that possibility been at all considered?.

NorksAreMessy · 19/02/2015 16:19

Have a look into your future. Does it look fun, happy, calm, contented? Does it include him?

queenoftheknight · 19/02/2015 16:20

What should you do?

Get rid of this twat and learn to drive. Immediately! Move nearer to town so that you are not isolated...and learn to drive!

This man is an abuser.

Learn to drive...please! It means that you are always potentially free.

issynoho · 19/02/2015 16:20

When someone tells you who they are, listen. He is telling you have is a total cock. Run for the hills and don't look back. Don't wait until he has worn you down any more.

Custardmiteofglut · 19/02/2015 16:25

Maybe you should use your money to leave him

^this.

You don't deserve to be spoken to as he did over a pillow. Imagine how he could speak to you when you're pregnant, hormonal and vulnerable.

He's showing you his true colours. Remember your promise to yourself. You deserve better than this lame arsed excuse for a man. Leave now and don't look back.

queenoftheknight · 19/02/2015 16:25

As to why.....people who are controlling are completely out of control. That's why.

Original poster
verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:26

I moved in with him a year ago, he already lived here. He actually said when I first moved in that he would help me learn to drive etc, but that never came to anything. I thought we would be alright with just one vehicle and I help towards the cost of fuel etc. I also helped him purchase this car ( I paid £700 and he paid the rest) because it would benefit both of us and his old one was on it's last legs. I thought he would be willing to take me places as he said he didn't mind at all and always had before.

I can't think of any reason at all. He has been on citalopram for just under a year now, I don't know if perhaps they have stopped working? He could be harsh before he started taking them but when he started the medication. Other than that I can't think of any health problems. Money is ok, we aren't really well off but we can afford a few things we enjoy. Nothing has changed for him family wise. For my my father has had a stroke, and has been in hospital for several months now. He was my only real security/family so I'm more vulnerable now he can't help me if things go wrong ect.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred2 · 19/02/2015 16:31

seriously..leave!!

Original poster
verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:31

The housing situation is the hardest, we are both tenants but his mother owns the property and doesn't like me. She openly admits he is her favourite son etc. I think I will have to consider moving but I have no idea how I will even get to a house viewing, I know he would not be willing to take me to one.

OP posts:
ChipDip · 19/02/2015 16:31

You need to leave him and thank your lucky stars you don't have children with him. He's showing you who he is. If you stay with him then you are choosing to accept this life for yourself. He sounds truly awful.

IonaNE · 19/02/2015 16:33

Get out fast, verticalstripes. Why would you want to be with a guy who does not respect you (e.g. his behaviours re. your hobby) but, at the same time, would think nothing of accepting, in fact he even wants you to hand over money you have saved so he can have his teeth fixed? He wants you to be isolated and dependent on him (hence his attitude to you learning to drive) and wants to crush your self-esteem (hence the long laughing). You can do much better, verticalstripes, there are nice men out there.

ToYouToMe · 19/02/2015 16:34

He's mean. Selfish. Aggressive. Inconsiderate. Abusive.

Why would you want to be with someone like that?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 19/02/2015 16:35

Leave him, he sounds awful and very unpredictable.

Take care.

Eminado · 19/02/2015 16:36

Leave!
Please leave you poor thing!

scottgirl · 19/02/2015 16:37

Do you work?

Eminado · 19/02/2015 16:37

And do NOT pay for his teeth. Cheeky bastard!!!

WannaBe · 19/02/2015 16:38

I would imagine it's likely he's seeing someone else. but tbh whatever the reason you don't deserve to be treated like this/ leave tonight. stay in a hotel in town for a couple of days if you can, and use the weekend to seek out a rental property. do you work?

Jackw · 19/02/2015 16:38

Is there someone you could stay with temporarily while you look for accommodation in town? I think you need to get out as soon as possible. He's got you isolated and dependent on him and now he's becoming abusive. You need to escape before it gets worse.

deste · 19/02/2015 16:40

You have to get out now because he is telling you who he is. He doesn't want you to drive because he is making sure you are controlled and kept in your place. Do you have any friends who could help to take you to view places? Arrange a few viewings in one day and get a friend to help.

Jaded2004 · 19/02/2015 16:42

He's probably stopped taking his meds. He sounds controlling, obviously manipulative and an utter arse. I'd check the meds situation but if he's decided not to take them then you will need to decide the best course. Personally I would pack and go stay with a friend or family, get out and stay out unless he's back on meds or decides to stop being such a knob.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/02/2015 16:42

You have enough saved up for a deposit and first month's rent on a room in a shared house. Get yourself to town, stay in a travel lodge for a couple of nights and find yourself somewhere to live.

Take anything valuable or sentimental with you.

But just go and don't look back.

I would normally advocate sorting out tenancies and stuff, but mummy will no doubt look after him. He's a nasty piece of work who wants you to be isolated. Get out.