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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP suddenly behaving like an utter arse. (long)

274 replies

verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:09

I have name changed as he knows the username I normally use.

Me and DP have lived together for a year, and it has been great up until this point. I actually thought things were going really well. We have no DC.

Recently he has started to refuse to do things, for example a festival that I really wanted to attend, he bluntly told me "You can go if you can get there, but I'm not coming with you and don't expect a lift." I can't drive and I'm not sure we could afford to run 2 cars anyway. We live in a rural location with no buses, it is 26 miles to the nearest train station. I have a hobby I like to go to and he has now also started to refuse to help in any way, he won't bring heavy equipment in the car etc for me. I decided to apply for my provisional licence and have saved up some money towards driving lessons (£500). When I first told him he laughed at me for about 20 minutes straight, when I asked what was funny he just smugly said "no, no nothing." and continued to laugh Sad. He has since been trying to convince me I should spend the money on dental treatment he wants, he won't go to an nhs dentist so it costs a lot more. I don't think he really wants me to learn to drive myself.

Valentines day we didn't do anything, I thought he might take me out for dinner or something but nothing happened. I didn't get a card etc. Although uneventful it wasn't a bad day, just a normal saturday. We hadn't argued or anything, then when we got in to bed I asked for my pillow back, we had 2 each but he took one of his another room to use on a chair for his back and had left it there so take mine. He then said "you are such a whinging cunt" and threw it on the floor. I don't know where that came from. I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that. He just said "Whatever" and "I can't be arsed".

The next day was horrible. I mean, it was unbearable. Any attempt I made at speaking to him I got one word answers very aggressively. I only mentioned mundane things like what shall I make for dinner etc. Sometimes not even a word just a grunt or "hmm" sound. I then tried to show him something related to my hobby and he said "I don't give a fuck". He literally didn't talk all day and we sat in total silence until I left to go meet a friend at the pub because I couldn't take being in the house any more. While I was out I got a text basically accusing me of being the one being funny. I replied and just said that I needed to get out for a bit and that I wasn't in a mood. He often makes comments about me cheating on him or having somebody at the pub (which I don't) and I told him I find this really offensive. He just carried on. It is the only place I can go to socialise as it is the only thing within walking distance (about 3 miles).

I don't know why this has happened. He still isn't being normal with me now and I honestly haven't done anything wrong. What should I do? I've been in only one relationship before and after leaving that one I promised myself I wouldn't end up feeling low all the time and like I'm going to get in trouble all the time. I'm not even sure why this has happened.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 19/02/2015 16:43

Run! seriously do not get pregnant by this man, he is emotionally abusive and it most likely will start turning physical. This is how it started with my ex, it is heart breaking to have someone you love treat you with such little respect.

I hope you don't make the same mistakes I did, get out now while you have no children by him and are not married. A relationship like that cannot last, it will end so its up to you how long you want be stuck in it.

I am sorry you are in this situation but this is the real him.

CalpolOnToast · 19/02/2015 16:45

My DH turned into a cunt on Citalopram but that was immediate not after a year! And I take it and am fine

AgathaF · 19/02/2015 16:48

What a horrible sounding man - abusive, aggressive, controlling, self-centred. Even if he is having the day from hell, it is still no reason or excuse to talk to you or treat you like this. This is who he is. Is this who you want to be with?

Do you have family or friends from where you used to live? Friends locally? You need to talk to people about this and get support and help from them to leave him.

verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:49

scottgirl, I am disabled so do not currently work, I am also doing an OU course from home. I have a social worker who comes to see me and helps me with doctors appointments and she may be able to help me view houses. I'm embarrassed to tell anybody about how he is. He acts totally different when anybody else is around. He has also been talking about getting rid of the landline phone but I use it to contact my elderly grandmother and doctors etc. My mobile doesn't get any signal here.

I don't have many friends around here and the ones I do have live and work at the pub. They have very small staff accommodation so they wouldn't be able to let me stay and I don't know them well enough to ask, they are more just people to chat to while out etc. I would be too nervous to leave my things here as I can imagine finding them all ruined in the garden when I managed to get a van to move them.

OP posts:
26Point2Miles · 19/02/2015 16:52

Do either of you work?

26Point2Miles · 19/02/2015 16:52

Oh sorry x post there

Joysmum · 19/02/2015 16:54

I would never allow somebody to talk to me like that. Why do you?

If you've been in a year, are you named on a periodic assured short term tenancy? If so then give your LL (his mum) written notice that you are ending the tenancy (you need to give at least 28 days and it will end on the last day of the next period).

Make sure you give notice so you aren't stitched up like a kipper.

26Point2Miles · 19/02/2015 16:54

Could you go to your grandmothers?

Ask social worker to see about a room in a shared house for you? Or look in the local paper for one?

AnyFucker · 19/02/2015 16:55

please leave this abusive twat

SunnyBaudelaire · 19/02/2015 16:55

the thought of him laughing that long about you learning to drive tells us what we need to know.
Get rid, life is too short.

AnotherMonkey · 19/02/2015 16:56

Oh my word get out now.

I don't often add to LTB threads but I want to come and get you myself.

Don't be embarrassed to tell people how it is - he should be embarrassed, not you.

verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:56

I don't have anybody I could confide in. My family also live over 200 miles away so would be helpless. I don't want to worry them.

OP posts:
SkaterGrrrrl · 19/02/2015 16:58

LTB.

Flowers
SunnyBaudelaire · 19/02/2015 16:58

you do not want to worry them?
that is how felt before I ran off to my dad and SM's place with babies.
I need never have felt like that, I know now.
I could come and help you if you live in Wales.

sakura · 19/02/2015 16:59

omg, it sounds like one of those horrors!
No mobile signal! Him talking about killing the landline that you use to contact your elderly grandmother! Him lying about getting you on the road. His mother owning the house you're in!
Why don't you use your 500 pounds to get to your elderly grandmother's place, sign onto some housing association and get housing benefits. Or if you work, stay with her until you find a place.
OMG

bleedingheart · 19/02/2015 17:00

So you live in a small isolated community, you are disabled and cannot drive, he wants to get rid of your landline, leaving you unable to call anyone and he wants you to handover your savings?

He is an abusive bastard. Please, just leave him, get your stuff and go. Why even stay in the area? You can do your OU course elsewhere can't you? What about telling your social worker that you need help? Can she get you transport to move?

It is unacceptable for him to treat you like this. It is no way to live, Vertical.

sakura · 19/02/2015 17:01

Seriously, ask your grandma if you can sleep on her couch. I'm sure she'd love to have you

SunnyBaudelaire · 19/02/2015 17:01

maybe your SW has some info about women's refuges OP?

MairzyDoats · 19/02/2015 17:01

Where did you move from? You've got a small stash of money which would be enough for you to hire a man with a van and move home to family, would you want to do that? This man has ARSE all over him, I don't usually do this but seriously - LTB!!

fromparistoberlin73 · 19/02/2015 17:03

op, pleasae run for the hills. this is just a little taster. what delights will he present you in 6 months time

praise be you dont have kids or a mortgage

Penguinsaresmall · 19/02/2015 17:03

Forget 'worrying them'.

If u were my daughter I would want you to come to me with your worries - and I would want to help you. Do you get on with them? Is there any reason why you can't get on a train back to where they are?

I will repeat what others have said - get away from this man.

MadameJosephine · 19/02/2015 17:04

I'm sure your family would want you to go to them if they knew how you were being treated. I left my abusive DH, travelled 150 miles by bus with a toddler and just turned up on my parents' doorstep unannounced and they welcomed me with open arms, no questions asked

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/02/2015 17:04

He's cutting you off from everything!

Pagwatch · 19/02/2015 17:04

If your family are 200miles away, you are not working, doing an ou course and have no local friends able to help you - why do you need to stay there ?
Get out and move close to your family.

CatsCantTwerk · 19/02/2015 17:05

Op, I'm so sorry you are going through this, You need to get out.

Is it possible to stay at Your Dads house? Is anyone staying there whilst he is in hospital?

Thanks