DP suddenly behaving like an utter arse. (long)

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I have name changed as he knows the username I normally use.

Me and DP have lived together for a year, and it has been great up until this point. I actually thought things were going really well. We have no DC.

Recently he has started to refuse to do things, for example a festival that I really wanted to attend, he bluntly told me "You can go if you can get there, but I'm not coming with you and don't expect a lift." I can't drive and I'm not sure we could afford to run 2 cars anyway. We live in a rural location with no buses, it is 26 miles to the nearest train station. I have a hobby I like to go to and he has now also started to refuse to help in any way, he won't bring heavy equipment in the car etc for me. I decided to apply for my provisional licence and have saved up some money towards driving lessons (£500). When I first told him he laughed at me for about 20 minutes straight, when I asked what was funny he just smugly said "no, no nothing." and continued to laugh . He has since been trying to convince me I should spend the money on dental treatment he wants, he won't go to an nhs dentist so it costs a lot more. I don't think he really wants me to learn to drive myself.

Valentines day we didn't do anything, I thought he might take me out for dinner or something but nothing happened. I didn't get a card etc. Although uneventful it wasn't a bad day, just a normal saturday. We hadn't argued or anything, then when we got in to bed I asked for my pillow back, we had 2 each but he took one of his another room to use on a chair for his back and had left it there so take mine. He then said "you are such a whinging cunt" and threw it on the floor. I don't know where that came from. I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that. He just said "Whatever" and "I can't be arsed".

The next day was horrible. I mean, it was unbearable. Any attempt I made at speaking to him I got one word answers very aggressively. I only mentioned mundane things like what shall I make for dinner etc. Sometimes not even a word just a grunt or "hmm" sound. I then tried to show him something related to my hobby and he said "I don't give a fuck". He literally didn't talk all day and we sat in total silence until I left to go meet a friend at the pub because I couldn't take being in the house any more. While I was out I got a text basically accusing me of being the one being funny. I replied and just said that I needed to get out for a bit and that I wasn't in a mood. He often makes comments about me cheating on him or having somebody at the pub (which I don't) and I told him I find this really offensive. He just carried on. It is the only place I can go to socialise as it is the only thing within walking distance (about 3 miles).

I don't know why this has happened. He still isn't being normal with me now and I honestly haven't done anything wrong. What should I do? I've been in only one relationship before and after leaving that one I promised myself I wouldn't end up feeling low all the time and like I'm going to get in trouble all the time. I'm not even sure why this has happened.

So you live in a small isolated community, you are disabled and cannot drive, he wants to get rid of your landline, leaving you unable to call anyone and he wants you to handover your savings?
As bleedingheart summarised it. This is the opening scenes of a horror movie, OP. Nice on a Saturday evening on telly - not nice in real life. Get out. It does not sound safe.

good summary = he sounds like a total cunt.
OP please leave.

I would describe his behaviour to your SW and ask her help to move your things. Your family will have you back to them in a jiffy and you would be safe then. he sounds controlling and the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.

I don't think I could take a house share without having to rehome my cat. I really don't want to lose her.
I have access to a little more money if needs be (I have a £600 overdraft but I never use it, he doesn't know about that). I tried to email about a small house that accepted pets but had to include a phone number and the estate agent called me, ironic that my mobile had signal for once, and it showed up as incoming call from X & X estate agents. I had to lie about how they had my details and said it was from ages ago when I registered with them to tell me about properties becoming available in the area. He believed me which was a relief.
It's really hard to even make calls without him knowing. Yes I will hand my notice in here. I need to stay in wales due to student finance and my family are in england so I couldn't move to my grans even for a short while as I would have to bring all my things back and it is such a long way it would cost a fortune.

You are all right of course. I cant stay here. He has changed so much, it really hurts when he has been horrible all day and his friend calls in, he is all laughter and jokes, acts so nice. Then as soon as they leave he goes back to hardly speaking to me. I've said bye to his friend before then turned and said something to him innocent/jokey and he has just looked at me and told me to "shut up". It's like a total personality transplant.

You are already being abused and it is going to get worse. Once you have no phone access, he will be able to assault you physically and you won't be able to call for help. Your social worker can help you but you need to tell her everything that you have told us. Please do it soon as I think you are in danger.

Contact your family and move back in with them for awhile. Thank your lucky stars that you didn't have any children with this nasty piece if work.

I bet he has a past littered with women he has treated appallingly.

This is so similar to my situation a while ago it's eery. Please consider leaving. You are very fortunate to have savings and it almost seems like he wants you to spend them on his teeth so you're back to dependency on him. Same with him threatening to cut off the landline.
So many red flags.

Try not to focus on why he's being like this too much. I did, and spent years 'helping' with his moods and behaviour and nothing changed for the better.

It's possible he feels safe enough now your relationship is established that he doesn't have to keep a nice mask on anymore.

But the main thing is that this is not a good living situation for you and you need to change that by getting away before it gets worse.

I know it's a lot to think about all at once and a big change but it's very likely you'll feel so much better once you're away from this kind of ill-treatment and belittling.

I knew you were in Wales from your description of the area.
Vertical I am getting my car back this weekend, PM me if you need some help.
I mean it.

You must tell your social worker.

Sounds like he is trying to cut you off from all outside influence.
Why would you give him your savings? hire a man with a van, use your £500
jump in the cab, & get out of there, don't look back
IT CAN ONLY GET WORSE, if you tell him you are off, either he will say "good, goodbye" , or start the "reeling back in" classic, when he becomes nice again long enough to keep you there, then will revert to the vile behavior.
Please don't play. LEAVE

Please talk to your family. Imagine how hurt they'd feel if they thought you'd not confided in them.

You can confide in your social worker, if no one else. s/he will help you to get out. In the circumstances, s/he might be able to help with the student finance issue, too, so that you can go wherever is best for you. Don't delay.

www.geauga.org/images/wscontrolwheel.jpg

There might be a women's aid near you with a support worker who could drive out and support you, if that seems like something that would be good.

The link above has 'using isolation' as a section of the power and control wheel of abuse.

I don't want to worry them
Try not to think like this.
If my DD was in your situation I would want to help her in any way I could.
I would certainly move heaven and hell to get her away from such an awful situation.
Please consider contacting your family for help.

Never said this before but LTB. He is a cruel and calculated abuser. This is not due to his meds not working - the fact that he behaves differently infront of others means he knows how he treats you is wrong, and can control himself. He CHOOSES to treat you this way. Was in an abusive relationship myself years ago and there are so many red flags/ warning signs in his behaviour it is unreal. I know how scary this must be for you but just leave. Don't worry about housing etc. Like someone said above, just go to a travel lodge/ grandma's/ friends couch for a few nights until this gets sorted. I was in a slightly different position to you, but i literally left with my keys and purse one night - not even a change of clothes. Dont let things get that bad! Things will only get worse with time: abusers scale there abuse up and before you know it you will be in a much more desperate situation. He has already begun isolating you from friends/ family. You are in a good position now cos you have a bit of money to help you break free.

And i agree with others, PLEASE tell your social worker. If you do nothing else for now, at least confide in her

I rarely post LTB, but I really think it's something you ought to consider. You are worth much more than this and don't deserve to be treated this way

sorry just saw that moving back to family is not possible, can you send you at least send your belongings home? You can call womens aid also
You cannot put you life on hold or in danger because you own a cat. I realize that your cat is your only friend right now, but, can you try & foster it temporarily ?

This man is an abuser, he is abusing you.

Please don't try to work out what you have done wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You will drive yourself crazy if you go down the route of trying to work out why he's acting as he is.

He is being abusive to you because that is his nature. The man you thought you knew was an act, this is the "real" him. There is nothing you can do to change him.

What you can do is move your focus from "why" to "how": forget about why he's doing this and instead make a plan for how you can get out, quickly.

Also, you do not owe him any explanation, or respect in the way you break up with him. If two decent people are together, and one wants out of the relationship, the decent thing to do is for the person leaving to sit the other one down and explain why.

But if one of the couple is abusing the other, you do not need to do this! Just leave. He will know why, and if he doesn't, no amount of explaining will get it through to him.

I spent far too long with my abusive ex as I tried to explain to him that I wanted to split up, and he manipulated me to stay, time and time again. I thought I had to tell him I was leaving. Eventually I realised I had to just leave, no explanation needed.

Pack your bags and go. Go stay with your family while you get sorted if you can. I would hate to think my children stayed with an abusive arsehole, rather than come to me for help.

Please please contact your family and ask them to help you.
You need to get out of this relationship and your P seems to want to isolate you more and more as he gets nastier and nastier.

Get out quickly.

It's isn't that he has changed. It is that he is no longer trying really hard to be nice, and he is showing his true self.

sorry messed up text

Good luck. he sounds horrible and you really shouldn't be treated the way he is treating you.

What a douche. Please get as far away from him as possible. He is systematically trying to engineer your dependence on him - escape while you can before he cuts off any more of your options.
Be brave, it will be so worth it. You do not need to be spoken to or made to feel like this.
A lovely safe normal relationship is waiting for you - get away and give yourself the chance to find it.

My mum doesn't drive and has no money at all. Also I'm not even sure how I would phone them without him hearing. My grandmother doesn't drive either and I really don't want to put on her. We live in a bungalow so it is all one level and nowhere is private. My family are also out during the day when he is working etc. He never goes out in the evening when they are at home.

My family think he is really nice as well. We have visited them before and he behaves completely differently when they are there.

What you say about his ex's. Actually yes. I've found out that somebody he dated briefly thinks he is totally bonkers. I also know he treated one of his long term ex partners like dirt for a while before she finally left. He played the victim to his mum as well who would believe him no matter what. They lived in a town near her family though so she was not as vulnerable and he couldn't get away with such behavior because she would just go to her family up the road.

I'm embarrassed to tell anybody about how he is. He acts totally different when anybody else is around. He has also been talking about getting rid of the landline phone but I use it to contact my elderly grandmother and doctors etc. My mobile doesn't get any signal here.

This, and everything else you have posted, makes me think you are in a very serious and scary situation.

You must speak to your family. You must engage help from anyone you can. Please, phone your social worker tomorrow and speak to her about this. Be honest. Tell her you need to get out with your stuff immediately. Because you do, you know.