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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP suddenly behaving like an utter arse. (long)

274 replies

verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:09

I have name changed as he knows the username I normally use.

Me and DP have lived together for a year, and it has been great up until this point. I actually thought things were going really well. We have no DC.

Recently he has started to refuse to do things, for example a festival that I really wanted to attend, he bluntly told me "You can go if you can get there, but I'm not coming with you and don't expect a lift." I can't drive and I'm not sure we could afford to run 2 cars anyway. We live in a rural location with no buses, it is 26 miles to the nearest train station. I have a hobby I like to go to and he has now also started to refuse to help in any way, he won't bring heavy equipment in the car etc for me. I decided to apply for my provisional licence and have saved up some money towards driving lessons (£500). When I first told him he laughed at me for about 20 minutes straight, when I asked what was funny he just smugly said "no, no nothing." and continued to laugh Sad. He has since been trying to convince me I should spend the money on dental treatment he wants, he won't go to an nhs dentist so it costs a lot more. I don't think he really wants me to learn to drive myself.

Valentines day we didn't do anything, I thought he might take me out for dinner or something but nothing happened. I didn't get a card etc. Although uneventful it wasn't a bad day, just a normal saturday. We hadn't argued or anything, then when we got in to bed I asked for my pillow back, we had 2 each but he took one of his another room to use on a chair for his back and had left it there so take mine. He then said "you are such a whinging cunt" and threw it on the floor. I don't know where that came from. I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that. He just said "Whatever" and "I can't be arsed".

The next day was horrible. I mean, it was unbearable. Any attempt I made at speaking to him I got one word answers very aggressively. I only mentioned mundane things like what shall I make for dinner etc. Sometimes not even a word just a grunt or "hmm" sound. I then tried to show him something related to my hobby and he said "I don't give a fuck". He literally didn't talk all day and we sat in total silence until I left to go meet a friend at the pub because I couldn't take being in the house any more. While I was out I got a text basically accusing me of being the one being funny. I replied and just said that I needed to get out for a bit and that I wasn't in a mood. He often makes comments about me cheating on him or having somebody at the pub (which I don't) and I told him I find this really offensive. He just carried on. It is the only place I can go to socialise as it is the only thing within walking distance (about 3 miles).

I don't know why this has happened. He still isn't being normal with me now and I honestly haven't done anything wrong. What should I do? I've been in only one relationship before and after leaving that one I promised myself I wouldn't end up feeling low all the time and like I'm going to get in trouble all the time. I'm not even sure why this has happened.

OP posts:
TheDailyWail · 19/02/2015 19:20

Leave a message again tomorrow. Can you get a duty SW to visit if she is not available?

rollmeover · 19/02/2015 20:08

Op this is sending chills through me.
You are disabled, live rurally, cant drive and he wants to get of the telephone. This isnt jist bad, its absolutely terrifying. Please try the social worker again tomorrow and say it is urgent.
It you think you wont be able to get the words out, then write down what you want to say.
Is there anyone you could ask to take the cat meantime? Would you mum/gran be able to take it if you paid for it/cleaned out the littler tray.

Please please please dont stay with this man.

DemelzaandRoss · 19/02/2015 20:09

Wait till tomorrow, I assume he will be out of the house. Pack a rucksack, get the cat carrier, use your saved money for a taxi. Go to the station, get the first train, with cat to your parents. Everything else can be sorted with their help. All parents ( I hope) would want to protect their daughter from this awful man. You could even pay for a taxi direct to them with the money saved up. This man sounds evil.

wigglylines · 19/02/2015 20:20

I agree with Demelza, grab what you can and get out tomorrow.

Maybe ring your social worker and explain you've had to flee because he was abusive, and ask if she can pick up the stuff you've left behind. But honestly, they're just things. You need to get yourself out.

TendonQueen · 19/02/2015 21:17

Yes, follow the plan above. Say you're taking the cat to the vet if you need an excuse for going anywhere, getting carrier out etc. But just get out.

uglyswan · 19/02/2015 21:30

Holy crap, OP, it is definitely high time you called the cavalry! These are friends, family, your social worker, woman's aid, pub acquaintances, everyone. There are times where you have to turn to the kindness of strangers (there is such a thing, I have personally experienced it). Make a list of all your most valuable posessions, find people who would be willing to store them for you. Ask your pub friends if one of them can look after your cat. Tell them you are afraid of your partner. Ask one of them to come back with you while you pack. I'm serious, you need to ask everyone you can think of for help. People are, for the most part, amazing. And please, please, make sure everyone knows the danger you are in.

RandomMess · 19/02/2015 21:46

I'm sure womans aid could help you? You don't need to have children to go to a refuge, You are so vulnerable. Once there they will help you get somewhere to live etc.

If you can't speak to the social worker because he's around pass her note.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 19/02/2015 21:49

Agree with whoever said when he's at work, pack a bag, get your cat in carrier, taxi, train, taxi, home to your mum. Fgs just do it, we're (mostly) all mothers here, and not a one of us wouldn't want to know if one if our kids was in danger. Or even just being treated like shit.

Paperwork, your OU stuff, some clothes, sentimental photos etc, you really don't need much. So what if he throws it all out, they're only things. You can get more things when you're safe. You're more important than other people's feelings, and possessions.

pocketsaviour · 19/02/2015 21:50

Vertical, the info you have added since your first post paint a very frightening picture indeed. This man has you so afraid that you cannot even imagine being able to ask anyone for help.

He has deliberately isolated you and it sounds like his behaviour is now escalating.

Please stop thinking about "but what if" and start just taking action. I promise it will feel better. There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. All the shame belongs to him. He is putting you in fear and that is absolutely not okay.

Do you have an email address for your SW? Is it possible to ask her on email to contact you urgently, that you are in fear for your safety but she must not "give the game away" if she phones the house?

FairPhyllis · 19/02/2015 22:02

OP you need to move quickly because if he is already talking about disconnecting the phone, he may just do it without giving warning. You're incredibly vulnerable here.

If you can't get hold of your social worker tomorrow, go to the pub and call Women's Aid or the police from there. Worry about your stuff and the cat later - I am a cat worshipper but here you really do need to put yourself first.

Don't underestimate how helpful slight pub acquaintances can be. If a woman approached me in a pub and said she was fleeing DV I would call the police or WA for her and stay until help arrived.

SylvaniansAtEase · 19/02/2015 22:48

OP can you say roughly where you are in Wales? North south or middle? Name changed to say I am south. We could help if you are... And we're not the only ones I'm sure. If you can give the,nearest big town name- a MNer might be close enough to help.

CheerfulYank · 19/02/2015 22:49

Yes. Get out immediately. Take a cab when he's at work and go.

I don't drive either and I understand how isolating it can be. We both of us need go learn but that's neither here nor there now. :) Get away from him!

Does your dad drive?

Hypotenuse · 19/02/2015 23:11

Time to pack up and leave, OP.

Imagine how happy you'll be seeing family again or feeling free and safe in your own home, a new home, it'll be so much nicer than how the house you're in now feels!

mildlyacquiescent · 19/02/2015 23:36

Distressed to read of your terrible situation, OP. You are in grave danger. Please leave today or tomorrow. The idea of taking the cat to the vet and meeting your social worker is a good one. You have the money... use it to get yourself and puss home.

And please make sure he doesn't see this thread.

AlpacaMyBags · 20/02/2015 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mix56 · 20/02/2015 07:48

email social worker, tell her its urgent.
Contact Womens Aid & get a non-mol order.
if he is out, start putting your most valuable things together along with a bag of emergency clothes, hopefully your social worker will find emergency housing for you, (preferably as far away as possible in a town where you can live without a car) & with non mol order, you can go back & get the rest of your belongings, if you fear that he will destroy your things, take photos, then ring his mother, & tell her the situation, or better still the SW could speak to her, & tell her that you are returning for your possessions & that everything has been photographed, if he destroys them then he will be taken to court. (I have NO idea is this is possible, but a good bluff )

You need to leave, he has done it before, & now with this further info, WE recognize it for what it is, Serius emotional abuse. Sadly it will take you some time to understand, but its not your fault, its one of the symptoms of the abuse.
It may seem insurmountable, but actually you will survive it.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 20/02/2015 11:20

How are you doing this morning, op? Are you ok?

tipsytrifle · 20/02/2015 11:42

I am also very frightened for you. This man is seriously setting you up to be his prisoner. Regarding the cat, there must be catpeople like me who would foster until you were re-settled. It might have to be local to where you are now but first things first. And do it asap. If you have access to an overdraft you might even be able to board the cat for a month while you get a plan sorted out?

I'm hoping your social worker could be a real physical help with your escape. Make no mistake, this is an escape you need to effect. Might she even foster cat?? Worth an ask because I think this situation is terrifying, ominous and escalating fast.

molyholy · 20/02/2015 13:34

Just an idea Vertical, but do you have facebook on your phone? I assume you have access to internet as you are on this site. You mention you have met an ex of your partner who thinks he is bonkers. Could you contact her via facebook, tell her you agree he is a nutter and you need to get away, could she help? If she knows of his behaviour, surely she could help in some way. I know I wouldn't mind helping somebody out like this.

AgathaF · 20/02/2015 14:12

I think that is a potentially dangerous idea molyholy. The previous g/f is an unknown quantity and may not keep that information to herself. It is vital that the partner here does not get wind of the OP's plan to leave. Domestic abuse/violence is known to escalate when a victim is in the process of leaving, a situation that vertical needs to avoid.

molyholy · 20/02/2015 14:30

Yes in hindsight, it is not a great idea Agatha. Just felt for the OP and hope she can get away from her partner ASAP, before he is allowed to abuse her further.

LlamaLove · 20/02/2015 14:39

How are you today Vertical?

Its very hard to see the wood from the trees when you find yourself in a situation like this but you are in an abusive relationship but you also have savings and a social worker.

Well done for trying to get hold of your social worker. Keep trying again today. Can you text her explaining you urgently need help and delete the text from sent and logs?

You could also try calling womens aid - if he ever goes out.

uglyswan · 20/02/2015 15:01

tipsy, of course, the cat could be fostered while the OP gets herself sorted out. OP, can you contact your nearest cat shelter and ask them? www.catchat.org/adoption/index.html

tipsytrifle · 20/02/2015 16:19

uglyswan - thanks! I used to have that link but couldn't find it in puter!
I'm fostering 3 in the back bedroom atm. Plus my own 10 plus visitors who just like it here when their owners go to work

tipsytrifle · 20/02/2015 16:21