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Original poster

DP suddenly behaving like an utter arse. (long)

274 replies

verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:09

I have name changed as he knows the username I normally use.

Me and DP have lived together for a year, and it has been great up until this point. I actually thought things were going really well. We have no DC.

Recently he has started to refuse to do things, for example a festival that I really wanted to attend, he bluntly told me "You can go if you can get there, but I'm not coming with you and don't expect a lift." I can't drive and I'm not sure we could afford to run 2 cars anyway. We live in a rural location with no buses, it is 26 miles to the nearest train station. I have a hobby I like to go to and he has now also started to refuse to help in any way, he won't bring heavy equipment in the car etc for me. I decided to apply for my provisional licence and have saved up some money towards driving lessons (£500). When I first told him he laughed at me for about 20 minutes straight, when I asked what was funny he just smugly said "no, no nothing." and continued to laugh Sad. He has since been trying to convince me I should spend the money on dental treatment he wants, he won't go to an nhs dentist so it costs a lot more. I don't think he really wants me to learn to drive myself.

Valentines day we didn't do anything, I thought he might take me out for dinner or something but nothing happened. I didn't get a card etc. Although uneventful it wasn't a bad day, just a normal saturday. We hadn't argued or anything, then when we got in to bed I asked for my pillow back, we had 2 each but he took one of his another room to use on a chair for his back and had left it there so take mine. He then said "you are such a whinging cunt" and threw it on the floor. I don't know where that came from. I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that. He just said "Whatever" and "I can't be arsed".

The next day was horrible. I mean, it was unbearable. Any attempt I made at speaking to him I got one word answers very aggressively. I only mentioned mundane things like what shall I make for dinner etc. Sometimes not even a word just a grunt or "hmm" sound. I then tried to show him something related to my hobby and he said "I don't give a fuck". He literally didn't talk all day and we sat in total silence until I left to go meet a friend at the pub because I couldn't take being in the house any more. While I was out I got a text basically accusing me of being the one being funny. I replied and just said that I needed to get out for a bit and that I wasn't in a mood. He often makes comments about me cheating on him or having somebody at the pub (which I don't) and I told him I find this really offensive. He just carried on. It is the only place I can go to socialise as it is the only thing within walking distance (about 3 miles).

I don't know why this has happened. He still isn't being normal with me now and I honestly haven't done anything wrong. What should I do? I've been in only one relationship before and after leaving that one I promised myself I wouldn't end up feeling low all the time and like I'm going to get in trouble all the time. I'm not even sure why this has happened.

OP posts:
wigglylines · 19/02/2015 17:31

Are you sure you need to stay in Wales for student finance?

On this page on the Student Finance Wales site, it says you need to:

"normally live in Wales on the first day of the first academic year of the course (usually before 1 September)"

It doesn't say anything about not moving after. Is there anyone at the OU you can speak to about finance? At my uni we have a student support department who are very knowledgeable about student finance.

scottgirl · 19/02/2015 17:35

Can you call from the pub?

Shesparkles · 19/02/2015 17:37

Never mind staying in Wales for student finance, that's the kind of thing which can be unravelled at a later date. Forgive me if you've mentioned it and I didn't see it, but does he work?

Original poster
verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 17:37

scottgirl it is a very small local community and they love to gossip. If this happened and anything got back to him he would explode.

I have to go for a short while, I will be back in bit. Thank you everybody. You are all of course right.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2015 17:42

You need to escape from this alternate version of Royston Vasey as well as your abuser. Phoning your social worker would be a good idea as well as calling Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

flux500 · 19/02/2015 17:46

@vertical I would take the opportunity to use your phone when your in the pub or outside it and also when you go to your hobby. no one would want this for you and I guarantee they'd be appalled if they knew you were going through this and had not spoken out.

It is him it's not you. There will be someone better out there for you so don't be afraid. I believe he wants you to leave and is being an arse so you will be the one to finish it and he can play the victim to mummy dearest yet again. is it possible she has influenced him and basically said she will never give him her blessing to marry you/have children with you and she's made him choose her or you? I may be thinking this because my mother in law is very manipulate and it's something she would do.

pictish · 19/02/2015 17:51

Get. The. Fuck. Out!
This guy is a total shit, and he'll only get worse, the hateful cunt.

Run for your life lady!!

pictish · 19/02/2015 17:56

And I agree with a pp - it is not that he has changed, it is that he has let his mask slip to reveal his real self, now he has you isolated and reliant on him. You're his toy OP. He means to keep you as a pet he can bully and abuse, because he's fucked in the head.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/02/2015 18:02

OP you sound so lovely. You do not deserve to be treated like this. It's totally 100% him and not you. Please please find the strength (and the money!!) to leave.

BertieBotts · 19/02/2015 18:06

Where did you live before you lived with him?

Honestly, I would bet money that he was an arse all along and there were small signs but they were just hard to see. That's how they operate and then boom you're trapped by the time you want to do anything.

Do you use facebook or email etc? Could you contact family from there? I would honestly just go and turn up at their door, with cat. You can do OU from anywhere, that's the great thing about it.

Original poster
verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 18:11

I don't think he does want me to leave. He has in the past, once been like this. He waited until I was hurt (it was an accident nothing to do with him) I broke my collar bone and ended up in A&E, he refused to take me to the hospital so an ambulance came out. While waiting for them to arrive he got really nasty. He was messaging me at the hospital how sorry he was. When I got home he had a cry and told me he didnt mean it etc. Begged me not to leave. I thought it was a one off. This was a few months ago now. It hasn't happened suddenly again though it has come back gradually.

Outside at the pub is where everybody stands to smoke and the hobby is outdoors so no signal there either.

I just can't believe he has gone from being so nice to this. I'm scared that if I even start to pack he will go absolutely insane. How did he hide such an ugly part of him for so long? Before all this he seemed perfect, the opposite of who he is now.

I have to get in the shower now. I've upset myself and I really don't want him to notice. If I get upset he gets angry.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 19/02/2015 18:15

Google "cycle of abuse".

You don't need to phone for support, use email.

CarbeDiem · 19/02/2015 18:15

It sounds very much like he wants you to be isolated and is trying to make sure you are further so, by getting rid of the land line.

He sounds abusive and you really need to get away from him.

Is he present when the social worker comes? Please open up to her, she could help with your exit plan.

DeliciousMonster · 19/02/2015 18:21

OP he is a cunt and you have to get out.

MonstrousRatbag · 19/02/2015 18:28

If you can't talk to the social worker because he is there, pass him/her a note.

If the pub has a pay phone, use that to call someone and ask them to help. Trust me, you need to tell someone and your family would much rather know than have you struggling alone. See if there is anyone-a cousin, family friend, who could just drive down in a van to get you and your cat and your stuff.

This is not about you or anything you've done. It is abuse your boyfriend is perpetrating for his own reasons.

flux500 · 19/02/2015 18:30

Oh @vertical I feel so sorry for you.

but you have to find a way to leave. really.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2015 18:30

"I don't think he does want me to leave".

He still wants you around so he can further abuse you; that is your sole purpose to him. The incident with your collar bone was another example of him being abusive, he refused to take you to the hospital so an ambulance had to be called. His behaviour afterwards with the fake words of remorse and crocodile tears is also typical of abusive men as well.

I would also think that his mask started to slip far earlier on in this relationship but you have simply not recognised the signs or perhaps even minimised them as "being your fault" etc. A decent man would not get angry at you being upset, an abusive man though would.

I would leave at a moments notice and only take the bare necessities like any legal documents, your birth cert etc. Womens Aid can also help you leave.

He targeted you OP, I have no doubt of that whatsoever. What a nasty bastard he is.

Branleuse · 19/02/2015 18:31

You are being abused

ShizeItsWeegie · 19/02/2015 18:32

OP he sounds unhinged and capable of anything quite frankly! Put on a brave face so as not to alert him, go quiet and get your ducks in a row so you can leave in a taxi when he isn't there.

I used to work with someone who was absolutely vile in every respect. Her DF died and she went into a decline so the GP put her on AD's. She became normal. I found this utterly terrifying! She became sensitive to others needs, a good listener and a much steadier human being. After 18 months the GP gradually weaned her off the drugs and she returned to a hateful, sarcastic, cunning, manipulative lowlife that made the working day of everyone around her a living hell. Him at his best, is him under the influence of personality altering meds I suspect, thus, Mr. Nice doesn't actually exist. Please realise you deserve better than his treatment of you but take care how you proceed but please get away. Flowers

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/02/2015 18:34

When are you next due to hear from or see your social worker?

MaybeDoctor · 19/02/2015 18:35

I think your best line is to talk to your social worker. Pass her a note if need be.

Failing that, call one of your parents at their workplace. Or, call the police and ask to speak to a domestic violence officer.

ratsintheattic · 19/02/2015 18:49

Get anything you can't live without.
Call a taxi.
Get to a train/bus station.
Travel to your family by bus/train/taxi.
Worry about everything else when you get there.
Seriously - everything else is an excuse to stay.
You have the money to free yourself.

turbonerd · 19/02/2015 19:01

Vertical, dont worry about OU and student finances. I started in the Uk and had to move country and still continued the course and received the financial support til it was finished.
He is making you vulnerable and will become very nasty. He did it when you broke your collarbone, it was no accident and he will escalate.
Dont pack. Just "go to the pub" and disappear. Pm the poster who Said she would help. Please.

Original poster
verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 19:09

I tried to call my social worker yesterday but she was not in the office and hasn't returned my call yet. She usually takes me to a coffee shop as I've told her in the past I can't talk in the house so it is better to go out. I'm hopeful she will call me back tomorrow, I might try again in the morning though.

I am going to phone about any house/flat that is affordable when she next visits, she will drive us somewhere with signal. I am going to ask her to come here when the removal van comes as well, because I can imagine him refusing them entry and making it impossible to leave. I just keep thinking of when all this is over. It seems so far away.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 19/02/2015 19:17

Run don't walk!

Glad you've got the social worker and a plan. If you can't find a house immediately, ask the social worker if she knows who could take your cat for a bit. Even if you had to couchsurf/stay in a hostel for a bit, once you're based in town it will be easier to view properties.

It's possible to ask a police officer to accompany you if you need to go back there to get your stuff.

Worth talking to Women's Aid even if you just want the support and not necessarily any practical assistance.

Good luck.