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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP suddenly behaving like an utter arse. (long)

274 replies

verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:09

I have name changed as he knows the username I normally use.

Me and DP have lived together for a year, and it has been great up until this point. I actually thought things were going really well. We have no DC.

Recently he has started to refuse to do things, for example a festival that I really wanted to attend, he bluntly told me "You can go if you can get there, but I'm not coming with you and don't expect a lift." I can't drive and I'm not sure we could afford to run 2 cars anyway. We live in a rural location with no buses, it is 26 miles to the nearest train station. I have a hobby I like to go to and he has now also started to refuse to help in any way, he won't bring heavy equipment in the car etc for me. I decided to apply for my provisional licence and have saved up some money towards driving lessons (£500). When I first told him he laughed at me for about 20 minutes straight, when I asked what was funny he just smugly said "no, no nothing." and continued to laugh Sad. He has since been trying to convince me I should spend the money on dental treatment he wants, he won't go to an nhs dentist so it costs a lot more. I don't think he really wants me to learn to drive myself.

Valentines day we didn't do anything, I thought he might take me out for dinner or something but nothing happened. I didn't get a card etc. Although uneventful it wasn't a bad day, just a normal saturday. We hadn't argued or anything, then when we got in to bed I asked for my pillow back, we had 2 each but he took one of his another room to use on a chair for his back and had left it there so take mine. He then said "you are such a whinging cunt" and threw it on the floor. I don't know where that came from. I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that. He just said "Whatever" and "I can't be arsed".

The next day was horrible. I mean, it was unbearable. Any attempt I made at speaking to him I got one word answers very aggressively. I only mentioned mundane things like what shall I make for dinner etc. Sometimes not even a word just a grunt or "hmm" sound. I then tried to show him something related to my hobby and he said "I don't give a fuck". He literally didn't talk all day and we sat in total silence until I left to go meet a friend at the pub because I couldn't take being in the house any more. While I was out I got a text basically accusing me of being the one being funny. I replied and just said that I needed to get out for a bit and that I wasn't in a mood. He often makes comments about me cheating on him or having somebody at the pub (which I don't) and I told him I find this really offensive. He just carried on. It is the only place I can go to socialise as it is the only thing within walking distance (about 3 miles).

I don't know why this has happened. He still isn't being normal with me now and I honestly haven't done anything wrong. What should I do? I've been in only one relationship before and after leaving that one I promised myself I wouldn't end up feeling low all the time and like I'm going to get in trouble all the time. I'm not even sure why this has happened.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 20/02/2015 16:46

I'm a CP cat fosterer and if you live anywhere near Oxfordshire OP I'd happily look after your car for you until you are settled somewhere. Or as uglyswan said, there are cat charities all over the place that could be able to help you.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/02/2015 16:46

*Cat not car!

tipsytrifle · 20/02/2015 18:04

i reckon, if it came to it, a convoy could be set up for cat transport. I've seen and been part of it done for greyhound rescue.

How are you doing vertical .. worried about you ...

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 20/02/2015 19:15

Worried for you, Op. I know you have bigger fish to fry than updating a thread for strangers on the Internet, but it would be good to know you're ok, if you get a chance to safely respond. I'm just outside North Wales, if there's anything I can do to help pm me.

Original poster
verticalstripes · 21/02/2015 11:21

Yesterday did not go to plan. I called my social worker in the morning and was waiting for her to call back. Then at around 12 he asked me to go with him to deliver some parcels. He was covering for a friend, it isn't his job. I didn't want to go but he kept saying it will only take an hour or two. I finally agreed but before we left I said "please don't get angry today." He promised he wouldn't.

Well he did get angry. Very angry. It took 5 hours and he kept saying "Are you fucking stupid" and "can you fucking read?" because I struggle to pronounce the welsh place names. He told me off for not putting the postcodes in the satnav fast enough and made me get out of the car to speak to people even though I was really upset. At 1pm I asked if we could stop so I could go to the toilet. He wouldn't stop anywhere, and I had to hold it until 6.30 pm when we got home. He got so angry he punched the inside of the van door, but he was nice and normal as soon as we stopped anywhere or somebody was in ear shot. I was too scared to reply to him when he got so angry and then I was in trouble for not saying anything. When I cried he got so angry and I didn't dare do or say anything an he got even angrier. He was driving really fast and swearing, it was scary. I knew I should have stayed home but he just kept pressuring me to go with him.

Now my social worker isn't in the office until monday.

I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday. He was watching what I was doing and who I called when we got home.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 21/02/2015 11:28

You need to get out now sweetheart, you really do. I have been where you are now and it is terrifying. I had to flit in the middle of the night when I feared for my life. I left everything but I have never looked back.

I am so much stronger and all my relationships since have been positive. I had to have a long hard look at why I allowed such an asshole into my life then wasted 7 years on him, mainly fear, obligation and good old guilt.

Keep posting but please think about leaving asap.

scottgirl · 21/02/2015 11:28

Sad Hope someone can give you good advice, you must leave soon. X

DeliciousMonster · 21/02/2015 11:37

I suspect he wanted you with him in case you were planning something.

My advice would be to call Women's Aid and try and get out with their help. He may well ramp it up if he suspects anything. And if he starts on at you please call the police.

DeliciousMonster · 21/02/2015 11:38

And I agree - you don't need 'stuff' but you do need to be alive. I once left with 5 carrier bags and never looked back.

uglyswan · 21/02/2015 11:40

Can you call the women's aid helpline? Here's the number for Wales: 0808 80 10 800. Do your social services have an emergency contact number?

Squitten · 21/02/2015 11:41

You need to phone your family and get away from this man. He is DANGEROUS.

Auburnsparkle · 21/02/2015 11:42

I really hope you can get some help before Monday. I agree, he sounds utterly terrifying.

AgathaF · 21/02/2015 11:47

Here are the emergency duty social workers numbers for the different parts of Wales. Please get yourself out to a phone and call them this weekend.

His behaviour is escalating. He is dangerous and you are in danger. You could also call the police non-emergency number for support too.

Please don't leave it until Monday.

flux500 · 21/02/2015 11:51

@vertical don't wait for the social worker I'm surprised they don't have am emergency number? anyway you have to help yourself with this and either accept help from a fellow mumsnetter or book a taxi and go! We can't do anything else on the end of a forum thread it's really down to you now. Thanks Thanks

pictish · 21/02/2015 11:56

Oh OP what a horrific afternoon. I feel so sorry for you. This guy is a sadist darling, he gets off on trapping you so you are forced to be his unwilling victim. He forced you on that outing and took every opportunity to abuse you for the duration.
Please...please please get yourself out of this living hell asap.

diggerdigsdogs · 21/02/2015 12:00

You poor, poor love. Please do get out.

TendonQueen · 21/02/2015 12:06

If you get a moment when his back is turned, call either the police and say you need them to come out to the house now and get you, or a taxi. When either one comes, grab the cat and go. Use some of your money and go to the nearest Travelodge, they will take room bookings for people with animals. Then you have time and some space to work everything else out. Please don't leave it any longer. Punching the wall is far too close to punching you for comfort.

gingerbreadmam · 21/02/2015 12:13

who is your friend you see at the pub? can they help you?

if your dp is ever out they could collect the important things you need from the house and keep them with them. then on a night where you might usually go to the pub go there call a taxi and go straight to your parents. i know it will be expensive but it sounds like you have 1100 you could use if needs be and it will probably end up being the bestoney u ever spent.

failing that he does sound controlling and abusive but not violent could you just tell him you are leaving? or is he so manipulative he would persuade you otherwise?

gingerbreadmam · 21/02/2015 12:14

sorry i just saw he punched the wall, maybe best to sneak away than confront him.

your parents would be horrified if they knew you were going through this alone.

tipsytrifle · 21/02/2015 12:28

Please get out now Vertical. Somehow he is onto you thinking about escape. Or else he was on a total control mission with a side-dish of breaking your spirit. What a horrific day you had. There was no way he was letting you get out of that horrific journey with him. No way at all. Grab the cat and go as soon as you get a chance, dear heart. He really is very very dangerous.

obeliaboo · 21/02/2015 12:30

Leave.
Sounds like a selfish control freak, you are worth more.

tipsytrifle · 21/02/2015 12:31

I actually think calling the police is a good idea should you need to leave while he is present. You tell them you need out and are in fear of your life. I don't think this would be a misrepresentation of how things are now. That way you might get to pack a bag or two as well as Cat. Terrifying I know, but hang onto that idea as a serious possibility if you need it.

Oscarandelliesmum · 21/02/2015 12:59

Tipsy and others are right, OP. This is all escalating terrifyingly fast. Don't wait till Monday. You will be more than justified in calling the police and leaving under their protection. Either that or cab as soon as he goes out. It sounds like he isn't willing to let you out of his sight at the minute though. Please be careful xxx

FairPhyllis · 21/02/2015 13:33

You need to get out this weekend OP. Do not wait until Monday. He is escalating fast to physical violence (punching the van). It will be you next.

If the pub is the only public place you can get to under your own steam you need to go there when you get a chance, call the police and DO NOT MOVE until they arrive. Call 999 and say you are in fear for your life and need to get to a women's shelter. This would not in any way be an overreaction to your situation.

If he takes you out to a public place again, and you get to a place with people around, stay put, refuse to get in his van and call the police. Approach a stranger for help if you have to.

Don't pack anything or make any arrangements about the cat. He is sensing that you are breaking free mentally and this is a very dangerous time for you. If he catches you packing anything you would be in danger. Just keep your phone on you at all times.

If he becomes violent to you while you are at home and you cannot escape, try to steer things away from the kitchen (there are too many potential weapons in there).

Cover your tracks online if you are not already Advice from Women's Aid on staying safer online

wigglylines · 21/02/2015 13:35

The not letting you go to the toilet sounds like he was not prepared to let you out of his sight for a second.

As soon as you can, like now, email your social worker and let her know you are scared of him and are being abused. Tell her you plan to leave but it's hard to get away, please can she come help asap.

Then, don't wait for her to help, still get out asap. And call her when you are well out of the area.

The point of emailing her is as a back-up, so that someone in RL knows what's going on, in case you don't manage to get away.

Or, call the police.