HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us

Woo hoo, well done Green

As I no longer have a dog, I'm bringing Harvey across

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmzgkMsf_GQ

for Green, for KOKO and to Hobbit for continuing to let us use her Bar

Izzietinis are on me tonight .

Morning Green and thank you. Survived VD, which thankfully is not an STI, but my wedding anniversary. Just as grim.

One month, two days to new life.

aaaah well sorry - but another milestone to tick off the list! - that's all we need to do for now survive! and get through whatever we we can - repair comes later

ive posted on old thread in reply to your other post - fully understand why struggling!xx

way not we

Thanks Green - for some daft reason I always find the weekends much harder than the week days which is odd because everyday is the same old, same old for me, and having VD/WA on top has made it doubly tough.

Hobbit, I hit my lowest point around about month 3.5, and by my calculations, you're at month 4, so about right to have a sudden and dramatic dip. Please don't give yourself a hard time for being normal. It won't last forever so pleased to read you're considering counselling again. Fake it til you make it is fine as an idea for keeping up appearances to others but what goes in inside your head can't be faked. KOKO.

Still got an Izzietini on my bucket list but not sure if I have that much courage!

Hello all . Great start to the thread Green and love the song

I feel slightly fraud-ish on this thread in that I think I did all my "trying to move on" while still married and living in the same house as twatface. I think I've been going through a snail's pace separation for years and years so now have no feelings for him other that comtempt and anger at what he has done to me and DDs

Where I am similar is that he is still trying to control me now even though we are in different houses (sorting out finance). He will procrastinate as long as he can while maintaining he has done/is doing nothing wrong. Where your previous posts are useful Green is in trying to help DDs. DD2 seems to have been lucky in getting the right AD first time round but it's been pretty bad at times with DD1 and I think her 2nd set of meds might be doing more harm than good. she has real trouble sleeping. I will get here to find out if she can try in anti-histamines and well as her meds next time she is at the GP.

What I hate is having little control over how my body acts atm. In stressful times it's 2 periods a month (or one that decides to go on...and on), severe tongue cracking, palpitations, and permanent stomach clenching. And even when I don't feel stressed..out of the blue an anxiety attack when at the gym. Yet in my head I know exactly where it's all at

I think as with everyone, it's just time...and waiting...and wanting to do a Sleeping Beauty for a year and waking up and it's all gone away.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Can I join you all at the bar? Mine's a cup of tea though. Wine seems to add to the anxiety maybe I'm not having enough of it.

VD was not too bad I ordered myself a lovely new bag and I'm pleased to report that there was not too much gushing amongst my FB friends some of whom seem to write essays boasting about their wonderful OHs which has tempted me to unfriend them on a number of occasions. However yesterday it seemed that they were all more in love with their pets than their OHs which suits me just fine.

VDay done and dusted now. I reckon I attached more importance to VDay this year than I ever have before! However, I think in the spirit of making more of these occasions as a family, it will be a treat ourselves day.

Don't forget everyone it's Tossers Day on Tuesday, so get those eggs!

That long post of yours Green I had a lightbulb moment, thank you. Will elaborate later.

I think Hobbit is due home soon. I hope she likes the new thread. I think Green has done her proud

Green - not posted for a few days but great news about your results and well done on starting a new thread - hobbit's bar is a fantastic name and I am sure Hobbit will approve. I also echo what you said earlier about a light bulb moment - not sure what made me have mine but it was as if overnight my attitude just changed. I can remember waking up on a Sunday and feeling sick because it was a long day ahead of me - I don't feel like that anymore.

I've been trying to stay off the internet for the weekend as twat has been posting all sorts - about how proud he is of DS (who has dyslexia) as the school phoned twat on Thursday to say how well he was doing with his spelling, reading and writing. So he has to post it - I feel like saying DS is only doing so well because we get up extra early every school morning so he can have 15mins extra help before school starts. Or the fact that I have to go up there every other week to make sure he gets the extra help he needs. He really has no idea - does he think it just happens by itself? Anyway rant over....thanks everyone for listening - feel much better now.

would have done exactly the same whoever they had been with

This was the lightbulb moment I picked up from your long post on the previous thread, Green. I have on occasion struggled with the concept that if I hadn't walked out originally, none of what transpired would have happened. I had recognised that my walking out was an acknowledgment that things were wrong, and it was really a desperate cry for help. So I try not to blame myself and think if only. But I had never considered the point that he would have been the same within ANY relationship. His inability to deal with emotional matters is within him and is not a product of my relationship with him. In fact, in the early days I was able to encourage more meaningful dialogue and ways of dealing with conflict. Over the years he has slipped into default gene mode and become the product of his upbringing. To add to this, he has also turned into his father. And as I said to him many times, and have repeated on the other thread, if he turned into his father I would either kill or divorce him. Life is too short to constantly manage someone's way of dealing with things. I wanted a husband, not a project.

Batty Drawers not only has to live with this, but worse. He is no longer a faithful partner. The die is now well and truly cast. His way of dealing with things was to run back to the old standby. A vacancy has now been created. Except this time, with no family ties, there is even less incentive for him to stick it out. I foresee a future of him moving from one woman to another, trying to escape from himself. I'm not sure he is escaping from me now. He is stuck there for wont of any other option.

I have pondered whether I would have him back. Things when good were good, and we had an easy relationship. But I couldn't trust him now. Not because he is someone to put it about, as we might say. But because of his new learnt behaviour.

I haven't fully processed what I went through leading up to him leaving. I will in my own time. I need to make a decision in my own mind that the marriage is over. Over because of my decision. Then I can move on.

I am gradually detaching more and more. I know it will happen. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know some of the reasons, but I'm all talked out now. That's it for now.

WWK sorry about the wedding anniversary. I have my 30th next bank holiday Monday. I don't think it will be too bad actually. Last year, things were awful, and we weren't talking. I relived the actual wedding day then, wondering where it all went so horribly wrong. There is nothing worse than being lonely when you are with someone.

Hobbit WWK is right about faking it till you make it being for public consumption only. I've done that in public, but at home, I'm me in all my range of emotions. I've hit 3.5 months now, and I'm definitely in reflective mood. I think before that it's all about shock and survival.

And what Green said about only dealing with today. Yes, I can't look far ahead. I plan the decorating, but I can't even begin to process the rest of my life. I haven't even really started socialising beyond those closest to me. I tend to retreat in times of stress. There are friends I haven't seen for an awful long time because of how things were before he left. I didn't feel I could fake it, I suppose. And I didn't want to talk about things except with those who had lived it with me on a regular basis.

Today I've been painting. I'm a bit fidgety and distracted though. Tomorrow I have a shit painting job to do, but at least that job will be finished. This was a job I was going to get somebody in to do. That's a result!

Oh fuck, I still forgot to mark the thread to watch....

Hi everyone, just thought I'd mosey on over to see what Green had done with the place!
I must say I'm very impressed so far, have an Izzietini on me:)
Just got back from watching "Fifty shades of very tame s and m" , extremely meh, but Jamie Dornan Is gorgeous, although I prefer him with a beard, I like the rougher look,

It is four and a half months since he left for me, and I'm riding a roller coaster at the moment, but I will get there, I'm not the first, and unfortunately will not be the last woman to deal with such a shockingly painful end to a marriage.

I have arranged an appointment to see my counsellor on Tuesday, I'll try again as best I can to overcome these feelings of betrayal and deceit.

Oh Hobbit so pleased to hear from you

Talking of 50 Shades, they had the book for sale in the supermarket in the Valentine's section. I'm wondering what sort of person would thin this an appropriate gift in the circumstances!

I think Drifting has offered to do the hoovering in the bar this week. He must be having an early night in readiness. Either that or he's still finding his way home from the pub....

Glad you've booked the counsellor. You will get there, just be patient, and don't expect too much of yourself at this stage.

Hi - can I join? Sorry for being away for so long - illness and dealing with his shit again.

He's trying to be nice and complying by only contacting me by email and even trying to sound chatty in them - wtf? I reply in a business like tone.

I think he's trying to reinvent himself before the next court date.

However, he returned the children after having them for 3 hours and he couldn't resist coming to the door to try to get me to retaliate. (He's been told not to come onto the driveway or knock at the door). I got my children in as quick as I could and shut the door in his face. I really wanted to say something but didn't.

I still have counselling twice a week - it's the only thing that keeps me going - but because it's half term this week I've got a week off. I'll be holding on by my finger tips especially as it's my little ones birthday and he's suddenly decided he's interested in her as well now.

I hope this doesn't sound horrible but too see that you all have bad times actually helps me realise that it's not just me. It can feel very lonely when the children have gone to bed and I think he's now snuggled up to the tart (or tarts - as I've now been informed that he maybe cheating on her as well - now that would be funny).

WhyMe please join in. You are most welcome. I'm sure Green/Hobbit will agree.

Well done on the door stopping.

Well done on the counselling.

And bloody well done on getting to today.

We're all having 'bad times', not necessarily at the same time, so well done for turning up and saying 'me too'.

I'm okay right now although it's been a hard week for me. Next week is more of the same, but I'm mindful of that.

We get to the end the only way we know how.

Which is one foot in front of t'other. No more, no less.

Hope your health goes onwards and upwards. KOKO. WWK.

just a quick reply to why of course you can join - that is exactly why we are here - for the bad times because we get them right down to the snivelling noses and eventually for the good that will come.

why it is not just you & it is not about you either - glad you are having the counselling - helps me too! come on in the evenings - that seems to be a common time - probably because the needs of the day have stopped and our brains "chuck" out whatever we have been processing.

And I had one of those moments yesterday too when he dropped the kids off - actually asked me to me face what my results were & what happens next - thing is I didn't want to talk to him - gone way past that now because I no longer know what is genuine & what is the "head fuck". SAD bloody sad -this is what I wanted to salvage for the kids sake but not sure I can do it now!

will be back later

Hi WhyMe, so glad your health has improved, welcome, no, you are not on your own with having a "crash", it's just a natural part of dealing with an ongoing stressful situation.

I was thinking about this yesterday, the problem is that divorce is such a long, drawn out process, with a bereavement it's so sad, and you have the funeral and a tiny bit of closure happens then, and you have the time after to grieve and process your memories and thoughts about the person and their influence and involvement in your life. My dear mum died two weeks after my youngest son was born, after a six month battle with breast cancer, and that was a hard burden to bear, but she saw my child before she died, and I had him to care for to help deal with my grief.

But in divorce, the ex has actively chosen to hurt and deceive us, and does so for months and years in some cases, and the pain is ongoing, as more revelations and active inconsiderate behaviour comes to the fore.

Now, I realise that a lot of people are dealing with a lot worse shit in some cases, and don't want to come across like a self pitying individual, but it is so hard, some days isn't it?

I am in a dip at the moment, but I will come back up again, and the best revenge is a life lived well, it just seems beyond my reach at the moment.
Lots of love to everyone , Green, I love the new thread, keep it up girl!

Hello Whyme. Yes it is a long drawn-out mind-messing (too early to swear) process and the lack of control is the worst thing. I agree that although it's horrid, it's good to find out it's not just me, but there are those in worse situations. The wonderful thing about this thread is that there are those at the beginning, middle and end of the process and the support is amazing.

I tell myself that it is a process that has to be gone through, like it or not, and that there is light shining out there somewhere

I find with it being half term that I just don't want to get up

hi you lot - i just want to document this - i read another thread yesterday where I think there was a post from someone connected to the police who was confirming that EA comes under the Domestic Violence category.

I am just sorting my sols file and printing off my emails - i have come across some email communication I had forgotten about - there are so many emails I have sent to DH saying I feel I am being EA with just cause and this is all since he left - i have a file of "communication" that predates knowing about the affair where I have said his behaviour was cold & callous!

well you know that question you were asking yourself?

just reading some of the stuff my anxiety levels have shot up - and after yesterday's face to face contact I am now needing to get my head back in gear.

best put into practice what I have been preaching!

Hi all

I've been very industrious today painting the stairwell and landing, final coat. Bloody hard work but I must have got the knack more this time, and I didn't swear once. Been doing other stuff too. There's nothing like a holiday to get me wearing myself out!

However, I was thinking as usual today, and I wonder when do I ever really switch off from thinking about him etc? What on earth did I think about before?? Perhaps I will just get so bored thinking about him that I will be cured haha

Meantime:

Hobbit what's all this stuff about being a self pitying individual! and some have more shit?? WWK tackled me when I said a number of others were going through worse than me. She said it's not a competition....and lots of other wise words. But basically, we are all going through it, and each of us has every right to feel as we do. Stop bearing yourself up about it. I hope the counselling goes well tomorrow

bobs your point about others being at different stages and amazing support, absolutely!

Why you hold on in there! You are doing marvellously well in horrendous circumstances. And when you think about him snuggling up to someone, think about all the stuff he put you through. And think that one of those tarts will be his next victim.

Green you are amazeballs. I can't believe how far you've come, thinking back to some of your posts previously. The psychology studying seems to have worked it's magic on you. I kept thinking today of twat's comment about you being the Miss Marole of amateur psychology. Haha, well she always solved the case, didn't she

strong he's the fathers are very good at claiming disproportionate credit, aren't they?

iwas and drifting where are you?

Tabby isn't it good to know that now VD is over, you still have a lovely new bag to look forward to, haha

WWK that bucket list of yours! you're saving the izzietini till last. I'm very honoured that you will be partaking of my fave drink in your last moments

I was reading an article today about how Michael Gambon has for the last 10 years been dividing his time between his wife of 50 years, and his mistress and their two sons.

A good while back I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. Now I think you bloody selfish bastard and you vile female specimen. His wife was apparently devastated at first, but accepts it now. Well I hope she gets plenty out of it, like his absence and the house to herself, a bit on the side for herself and a very large slice of his inheritance. I would have killed the pair of them by now

izzie as always - you've put my head back in gear -yes that comment has made me laugh on many occasion! along with the others about xmas trees & pants lol

I too wonder what i used to think about before - my head must have been so "free" - had a little bit of a moment earlier but i guess there will still be plenty of those.

and I saw this today and thought of you - haha

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2954882/Why-dog-win-date-One-five-women-say-man-owns-one-instantly-attractive.html

hello everyone - im off to bed will catch up tomorrow